I move as One.

 

 Expectation.

– anticipation of something happening: a confident belief or strong hope that a particular event will happen

–  notion of something: a mental image of something expected, often compared to its reality.

–  expected standard: a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of somebody.

 

There seems to be two ways to BE in this world, either walking with our expectations simply laid out ahead of us, or we are walking naked without expectations, surprised endlessly with what arrives?

 

You may not even know that you are smack dab in the middle of expectations, until you are frozen and unable to move without hurting someone?  We even have expectations that we will not hurt another, like that is our business?

 

I am beginning to see that all we can literally hurt is another’s expectations of us.

 

If I have expectations of another, it literally puts them in a position of being a puppet for me.

 

My expectations are requirements from them.

I am taking a part of them and owning it.

 

Is it possible to own a piece of someone and would you want to and why?

 

Why do I need a part of someone else? 

It seems really odd to me now, but I used to live in the land of expectations, in the sea of owning another’s life.

 

I used to own my children’s lives and I used to want my sisters and brothers to act a certain way for me, to make me feel special to make me feel loved and appreciated. 

 

It was a break through moment for me when I told my son, “Your job is to be a 12 year old boy.  Your job is not to make me happy.”

 

What a revelation that was for me.  Inside buried deep was this odd seeking device that was always looking for others to bring a part of me to me.

 

Like my son’s job was to make me a good mother?

How does that work?

 

Well in my old mindset, a good boy equals a good mother.

A bad boy equals a bad mother.

In order for me to be good, he had to be good.

There was no separation between the two of us.

 

When I separated from my mother, father and siblings, I could see where the dysfunction lay. We all were co-dependent upon each other.

 

I had never stood alone and separate, I never even had a free thought or moved in a direction that the whole did not approved of, I needed to make sure I didn’t mess up others expectations of me and ruin their good opinions.

 

Have you ever done the three-legged race, where you have to move in sync with someone else or you fall? That was me, I was forever tied up to someone’s leg.

 

That other leg was an expectation.

 

I cannot explain the weirdness to walk alone unencumbered by that third leg?  The freedom brings a lump to my throat. 

 

When I undid the ties, they too became free. 

 

I remember feeling so inept at walking alone. It was like this whole world was a foreign land.  I hardly ever made an independent choice one that was outside of an expectation of another.  In fact I always did my level best to not step out of line with the third leg.

 

It is pure joy to move along as one, to no longer need to ask the many legs if they want me to go in a certain direction.

 

I just sit with myself and see what it is I want to do, what honors me, what brings me peace inside.  I have no expectations even of myself.

 

I never know what it is I will do today or even in the next few hours.

But reality will arrive and I greet it and then I move.

 

I move as One.