I M Perfect lady

What do you write, say or feel towards a man you have known your whole life?

 

The reason he came into my awareness again is that it is his Birthday today, my father turns 83 I believe.  I have lost track of time in his life.

 

When I decided I would write about him, I sat waiting for feelings to come up, I have been asking myself what do you feel towards him now.

 

There seems to be an empty cavern within me, a silence and vacancy of feelings, it is not indifference but the absence of rage.

 

The last time I seen him was the fall of 2004, I recall touching his shoulder and feeling relief as they drove away heading south for the winter. 

 

Like an obligation was over.

 

I tucked away the sense of guilt that followed, embracing instead the space I would have not having to go there, it was getting harder and harder to be around them.  I no longer had to come up with excuses with the kids to not go to Sunday Dinners.

 

At the time, I had no one thing I could point to and say this is the reason I want to separate from my family, but I had become unenthused seeing them.

 

Something was changing within me and I was finding it harder and harder to pretend to feel connected to them or even the wanting to try.

 

 

Inside space was already moving and growing, the space I would need to take such bold steps.

 

I felt terrible that my feelings were freedom as they drove away, and I am not sure I spoke it out loud, in shame I kept silent.

 

As the news broke, as my feelings were justified, I knew to the dept of my being I would never see that man again.

 

It was like a long struggle was over and now I simply had to clean up the mess.  And what a mess it was, but I felt strong in an odd way and I had a clear focus.

 

The fight within me was over, the fight between love and fear.  In the end fear won, fear was justified fear was reality and I was no longer having to force love.

 

Forcing love when fear stood in its place.

Trying to push reality over.

What great relief to go with reality.

 

His was such an unnatural love, so twisted I can’t even wrap my mind around it, nor can I pretend to understand his feelings.

 

If I had to choose who I would rather be him or I, it is no contest I would be me.

 

I was forcing myself to love a hurtful being and he was hurting a loving one.  I was trying to make innocent a man who wasn’t and he was making wrong the innocent.

 

We are opposites and my path is easier.  Thank you dad for taking the path you took and for giving me the easier one.

 

I guess in the end, that is what dad’s do, they spare the child and they take the rougher road.

 

I always hear, who in their right mind could do such a thing.

 

What I know for sure is that your mind isn’t right, there is a major disconnection going on, you are lost behind your addiction your disease, lost and alone.

 

I cried for you in the first hours of your discovery knowing you would die a very lonely man.  I know this more than ever.

 

Beneath the messed up mind, behind the mountains of dysfunctional abuse, sits a little boy lost.

 

You and you alone have to make the journey back to him.

I can love the little boy, but I fear the mental mind that stands in front of him.

 

I am not certain if you will be free of that mind in this lifetime, or why your soul choose this journey, but for some reason I was set free. 

 

This is my lucky lifetime.

 

I wish it were yours.

 

My Birthday wish for you is to become free of that mind, to find your spirit self, to embrace love, peace and joy, to be once again a little boy.  Happy Birthday Dad.