I M Perfect lady

“I Want To Know What Love Is” is the name of my brother’s post ( www.messyguru.typepad.com ) how do you recognize what love is?

 

Love to me is like the word gratitude, it is a feeling inside an overwhelming emotion, not a word.

 

The word love can be thrown around and tossed into some pretty dark and twisted places, manipulating a body and mind.

 

People use the word love to cover-up many actions that are hurtful, laying it on top like a Halloween mask.

 

The word love can be used and abused like a body and mind. 

 

Just as most wars are fought in the name of God, most abuse is done in the name of Love.

 

When abuse is done in the name of Love, we are left with a backwards feeling of love.  “Love hurts” is a line in a song, and we believe this to be true.

 

It isn’t a knowing or thoughtful response; it is a subtle knowing that even when hurting us they really love us.

 

I know this may seem insane to most, yet when those we love hurt us, we can’t separate where love ended and abuse took over, we didn’t see love die.

 

Love changed into abuse like an actor changing costumes, in a reverse way, all appeared to look the same, but inside the damage lay.

 

Our definition of love changed, replaced by this unnatural event.

 

What we failed to notice was love slipped away, totally.  It did not stay.  Love cannot be with abuse.

 

The magic trick our mind had to do to continue allowing us to be with folks who hurt us, was to erase the old meaning of love and add a new one.

 

Taking the natural whole meaning of love and adding abuse, degrading, manipulating, painful, hurtful, emptiness piled high until all we are left with was self- loathing.

 

Instead of hating the abuser, we began hating ourselves.

 

Self -hate instead of self -love, the switch was made, the costumes exchanged, but perhaps it was done on the wrong one.

 

We needed to change who they were, instead we changed who we were.

 

We walk away feeling guilty for an act we did not do, but an act that was done to us. 

 

We mustered up the strength to walk along damaged inside, silently hating and hurting, putting on a ‘normal’ face.

 

The normal face we tried to keep was on them.

 

What an insidious game we played, what work it was to ‘pretend’ they were normal, what work to pretend that we were too.

 

For when we couldn’t speak of who they were, we couldn’t speak of our inner wounds, we couldn’t tell anyone that love slipped away, that abuse took its place, that the normal inside of us was replaced.

 

So what is normal natural love?  What was there before abuse slipped in and pushed love out?  Who were we before this happened?  Can we remember?

 

How does it feel to not be abused?

 

While we try and sort out love from abuse, the abusers seem to walk away free.

 

Instead of looking inside of us, the clues are outside.

 

Reality needs the adjustment in our minds.

 

In our minds the costume changed, not in reality.

 

In our minds we exchanged love for abuse and called it even.

 

In our minds we exchanged dad for pedophile and called it even.

 

In our minds we exchanged mom for pedophile lover and called it even.

 

In our minds we exchanged reality for a pretend land and called it even.

 

As long as we lived in our minds only, we were normal, they were normal, and all was normal.

 

In our minds that love was normal, but what is out of our minds Love?

 

What is Love that stands alone, Love that water cannot wet, fire cannot burn, what is that Love?

 

Is that a Love that can be sold, bought or destroyed? 

 

When abuse comes in does Love change or is it just simply waiting for us to discover it didn’t go anywhere, we did!

 

Love doesn’t fall out of someone, you can’t lose Love, but we can fail to notice Love, you can look away.