I am with Truth and Love.

December 4^th is an anniversary of my plunge out of delusional living, into the vast awareness of reality, truth, and knowing.

 

Most individuals who sit in meditation are seeking to find more awareness and to be more present.  My awareness came in like bull in a china shop, stamping and kicking, and uprooting carefully placed family members, futures, hopes and dreams, crashing any small-idealized version of me, leaving me broken in a million pieces.

 

Enlightened for sure, in reality absolutely, in horror beyond what my mind could hold and without a strand of thought I could rely upon, I was left aware. 

 

I have been reading about the Presence Process, which seems like a much gentler way to be woken up from delusional thinking, instead of finding yourself on a landscape where nothing makes sense to your mind.

 

A landscape filled with contradictions so huge the mind had little to offer in the way of explaining.

 

Finding your self out side of the mind looking at the damage that went on while you lived in there in some state of Psychotic thinking, leaves you breathless.

 

I looked up Psychotic disorders; they are severe mental disorders that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. People with psychoses lose touch with reality. Two of the main symptoms are delusions and hallucinations. Delusions are false beliefs, such as thinking that someone is plotting against you or that the TV is sending you secret messages. Hallucinations are false perceptions, such as hearing, seeing or feeling something that is not there.

 

As I was shocked out of my mind and standing naked in reality, brushing up against a multitude of disgusting facts, I have come to see that whole event as a good thing.

 

I was propelled out of my mind and into a land of Reality, by a tsunami like wave taking everything I ever knew to be true and turning it false, being dragged along with big eyes and open ears, unable to fit into that small dark mind to hide, I had no choice, but to face the stark reality, without a barrier or buffer to soften the blow.

 

It amazes me still that I lived for 46 years with a delusional mind, and called it normal.  And perhaps to me it was the only normal I ever knew.

 

I come from a long line of delusional people.

 

Folks who tried valiantly to create a different story than what life presents to them, all done within their minds.

 

“Forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot change,” is the meaning of forgiveness Martha Beck uses and which gives me much peace. 

 

I not only accept but cling to the fact that we cannot change the past.  We cannot unring bells and change things around to fit what our minds feel more comfortable with.

 

While many in my family see me, still today, as the one who did the ripping of the family unit, the one who is tearing it apart, they are correct.

 

Yet what I am really ripping apart is their delusion that we had a loving family.  I am going in their minds and messing with their beliefs they hold so dear.

 

They are acting like I am taking a loving kind father and Me and me alone, turning him into a pedophile.

 

That I am taking a loving kind mother and turning her into a self absorbed distant religious zealot.

 

That I am taking a kind loving brother and forcing him to join the side of the defense, to live with a pedophile, that it was I who swayed him to stand against me.

 

How in the world do these facts sit in their minds and feel comfortable in their bodies?

 

How did I control these people to take actions like this?

 

It becomes my fault for ‘tearing up our family’….I made them do these things.

 

How am I standing here accused of ‘ripping your family apart, stitch by stitch’?

 

As I stand here today 5 years later, there is not one regret I hold, not one thing I would have done differently.

 

Some suggest I do not call, stop by, go to parties etc.

 

Party with whom, what folks do you want me to be with?

 

With people who stand strongly against me for tearing down our family, for taking their kind loving thoughtful family and turning them into monsters.

 

How dare I wreck their family?

 

I made a pedophile, me…I made that?

I made a mother who was so absent that she didn’t even arrive up here for four months….I did that?

I made a brother reduce the ‘sentencing to time served and two years in another state’….I did that?

I made a brother arrive to see him with a bottle of cognac….I did that?

I made a sisters stop calling me because it was too hard to hear the truths, I did that. 

 

What did I do?  Please, tell me how in the Hell I was able to sit here in my home and direct these individuals.

 

In YOUR minds I am doing a hell of a lot of damage.

 

Ask your father what he did and why, for surely I was only present for my own molestation, my own rape.  It was my body his penis penetrated, it was my friend who watched it and recorded it in her mind, it was my body who carried the terror for 46 years.  It was me at 7 years old.  Is that a delusion?

 

When you are blaming me even today, you are saying that I made him act, I made him rape me, and it was my fault, I tore up the father and made him turn into a pedophile.

 

Delusion is thinking that it was my fault then, and today for tearing up ‘this family’.

 

I am under no delusion of where I am standing or who I am no longer standing or dealing with.  I am standing in Bright awareness and very comfortable being exactly where I am.

 

I am out of my delusional mind standing at one with Reality.

I am out of my delusional family too.

I am out but in good company, I am with truth and love.