I M Perfect lady

Martha Beck writes in ‘Steering by Starlight’ she writes in a chapter called, Quick Stargazing Exercise for Beginning at the End.

Try this:  Think of someone whose approval you covet.  It might be your lover, someone else’s lover, your boss, a celebrity who may never even meet you, or (if you happen to be an approval whore like me) every single person you ever meet.  Get all those needy feelings front and center.  Let them fill you whole mind.  Now imagine that you get to spend an hour with those people whose approval you seek.  Can you feel the desperation, the grasping, the sick sense that this hour isn’t nearly enough?  Excellent.

Now, begin at the end.  Imagine you already have this person’s approval, that they adore you, that nothing on God’s green earth could ever diminish their total approval.  You are awash in approval. You couldn’t possibly in a million years soak it all in.  Letting this mental position fill your mind, picture interacting with your hero again.  Can you feel the freedom, the ease, the humor suddenly available to you?  Can you feel yourself start to smile without trying?  Can you tell that this version of you is way more likely to get approval than the version who’s always desperately seeking it?

If so, you have just visited the observatory in your head and focused briefly on the truth as your Stargazer self knows it.  If not, try again.  Sometimes it takes a while to focus the telescope, but you’ll get there with a bit of trial and error.

Once you do this exercise in your head, try it in a public place.  My favorite social avenues are coffee shops, so that’s where I do most of my experiments, but you might choose another location:  a book store, a shopping center, a rock concert, exercise time in the yard.  Just choose a place where there are lots of people milling about.

For Trial One, walk into such a place thinking, “I need these people to like me! I need them to do what I want! I need their help!”  Notice how people interact with you.  For trial two, go into the same place the next day.  This time, prep  yourself by thinking, “These people love me. They think I am clever, handsome, talented, and gracious.  I rock their socks.”  If you can keep such thoughts in mind, you’ll notice you move differently, talk differently, smile in a different way as a sock-rocker.

Do this exercise several times, and you’ll start to notice how differently other people act around you.  The more desperate you feel, the more they’ll move away.  The more sure of their adoration, the more positive interaction you’ll get.  If you want extra validation, have a friend precede you into the space you’re using for the test and observe the way other people interact with you.

I’ve supervised this experiment with clients who have very low self-esteem, including juvenile delinquents and ex-convicts.  The results are amazing.  In a self-critical, fear-based mindset, the clients seem to physically repel people – everyone in the space literally moves away, some slightly some dramatically.  But when my clients manage to hold on to thoughts of being worthy and lovable, others move towards them, usually smiling, appearing to relax, as they get closer.  No one seems to be doing this deliberately; it’s like watching a field of tall grass bend one way, then the other, as the breeze changes.

              Martha Beck

I had a conversation with a friend this morning and brought up this section of the book, explaining to her, that while she would like to look at others for their treatment of her, she literally is the one who begins the dance.

Just by how she feels inside, she is the ‘breeze’ telling them which way to bend or respond.

It is almost if they can’t help but be swayed by her dark desperately seeking need, and that desperate need never attracts love, only pushes others away.

What she desperately feels she needs literally stays further and further away.

And ironically when she no longer needs their love, attention and approval she will have it.  When inside she is full of Knowing she has their approval, she will get more of it, when she feels herself being loved by them, she will get more.

“0e the change you want to see in the world,” Gandhi said.

I can also feel my brother and sisters desperate need of me, and it indeed does push me further away.  I feel their need for my approval, and the lack of their own self- approval.

This goes as well for my mother, they are desperately seeking or needing ‘something’ from me. 

And no matter how much I would say, do and be love in their presence it will not outshine or overshadow what is inside of them.

That pulsating bundle of energy that is thirsty for outside approval is an endless sucking noise that we out here can’t fulfill.

The switch has to be made inside; you have to feel it to get it.

It is so hard to imagine that our inner view of ourselves matters that much, that we and we alone are directing how the world responds to us, how the dance begins and ends with you.