I M Perfect lady

"Peace from Broken Pieces, by Iyanla Vansant…speaks of our pathology, our patterns that we inherited from our parents and they got them from their parents; how we replicate their lives, unless we break the cycle.

I taught my children by how I lived my life. I taught them the same way my mother taught me, in how she responded to life and mimicked her self worth. 

The way she responded, shouted out her self worth, her allowance for behaviors and lack of boundaries showed she did not matter to herself.  As she continued to put others first, I too was taught that I came last, always.

When I saw myself differently my pathology began changing.  I no longer was invisible to me and others magnified…instead I began living my life as if I mattered.

I still see the old pattern emerge now and again in my children, its fragments clinging to their lives…echos of my old self still present…ghosts of my old pathology long ago recorded, still singing itself out in the now.  

I totally get the lure of this pattern, I understand completely its profile.

I had no real self unless I was doing, giving and living for the needs of other…I considered it selfish to focus on me.  I would disappear if another didn't need me in some capacity.  I needed to be needed, or I would have been left with my worthless self.  My value and sense of self came strictly from others…I had to shine in their eyes, for my eyes seen nothing in me by myself.

As my mother before me, I lived self less… as a tool for others to use.

I didn't have a me.  I didn't know what that me wanted…I was a complete stranger to myself.  I didn't know how to act if I wasn't acting for another.  

My pattern was to disappear in others lives.

The old pattern now is in shredds and a new one has replaced it.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for my daughters…with pieces of both patterns in their lives…yet hopeful.

I can't know how long or how deep the old pathology is within them and which pattern will present itself more fully in their lives…and a part of me believes they signed up to learn this complicated pattern, the reversing of dysfunction.  

All I do and feel I can do, is keep reflecting the truth back to them, for the old pattern was knitted together without it.

It truly is broken down into two distinct patterns, Truth or Pretending not to know the truth.