Coat of Expectations

Every now and again, a ghost of my old self arrives in the present…"there but the Grace of God go I"…

It was discerning and uncomfortable, enlightening and affirming…as the new me felt how impossible it was for the two energies to mix. 

The old me was totally engaged in the future, planning and controlling this moment of time to assure a more peaceful tomorrow, by delivering expecations like garments we all were suppose to wear.  It mattered not if we would be uncomfortable wearing them, we would appear better if we did.  Our self we were in this moment of time, was not good enough.

I found it perplexing and engaging to witness this.

How thoroughly engulfed in the future she was…her mind would not accept us as we were.

This controlling the future, kept her from just being with us.

That was me.

It is denying this moment…escaping the here and now and the what is, preparing for a better tomorrow.  You can never relax and just be…nor can anyone in your presence. She is looking for your plans and controls…or is looking to plan and control your world.

It was so uncomfortable to be your self in her presence, for it was different from what she wanted.  And when I didn't race to fit her expectations, long silent pauses filled the room.

I used to be real good at making the uncomfortable comfortable, of being that someone that others needed me to be…forsaking myself to wear their coat of expecation.