I M Perfect lady

In my past couple of posts, I let loose my frustrations of how imbalanced it appears when you are trying to bring an end to an abusive relationship.  How it isn't just an easy exit.  Each party has Rights, and it seems at times, the rights of the one doing the abusing gets first pitch.  That we have to make sure, and then sure again…we have to have facts…and nothing but the facts. We have to have first hand accounts and they need to be impeccable….etc.

This is all to assure us that we too cannot be falsely accused.

However, there seems to be a fear that has stretched the reason way out of whack and that we need to move it back toward reason.  

While it truly does seem like the police are making darn sure there are no errors in the accusations, they are not quite intune with the lives of the victims. 

The fact finders and the ones carrying the wounds (facts) are often at odds.

How can we build a bridge of trust and truth seeking?

How can we enter into a relationship between the abused and the ones helping?

How is it that the two sides who need to meet in agreement end up often so far apart and part in anger, frustration and helplessness?

Is it possible that there is a role for mediators?  Someone who can dial back the emotion as well as put some caring and hope in the law of the land…

In Dial Help, I heard that the police deal with offenders so much, that they often can't switch when dealing with victims and end up treating them like offenders. For oddly enough, the shame and guilt that victims often carry resemble the same postures of offenders.

Even if the guilt and shame are groundless in victims…their body language and verbal content still reflect guilty actions. 

A middle person who understands and can advocate for the victims is needed from the git go.  Not only to help the victim, but to be a reminder to the police that they are not offenders…even if their guilt and shame vibes are present.

The complications of abuse and the pathway out is riddled with pot holes.  

The intent on both sides is to stop abuse.  But, somehow each side is falling short. It is my humble opinion that the two sides must work together to double team the abuser. 

For the abusers are lanquishing in the trials and tribulations as they witness the struggle for the two sides to work together in harmony.

Each time the two sides fall away in distrust and weariness…the abuser wins again.

How can we manage to eliminate the holes and begin to create a foundation where abusers will begin to fear?  With people in place that can make the transition seamless filled with the facts and first hand accounts that CAN be used in the courtrooms….and courtrooms that are willing and able to prosecute.

By ratcheting up our frustrations and pointing fingers and blame, we will end up fighting among ourselves and taking our focus off the abusers, and what needs to be done to get them off the streets.  

What we are finding out already is that there is very little communication or sharing between the "helping" agencies.  Where victim advocates are not offered at the police stations. Why is it that immediately, they are not assigned someone?  Shelter homes are not lending resources about advocates either?  It seems that the victims are being victimized by the separated agencies not willing to step on toes or share information.

Perhaps there needs to be a third party. A separate impartial string, that can dangle in all of the agencies.  A rope that will lead the victim to each new helping place…with a list of what to expect, what is helpful, what is the best prep in order to fulfill what the laws of the land need.

A laundry list of crucial points…because now it seems that the abused parent is learning as she goes…by what appears to be too late and not quite enough.

How is it that we are not clearly educated on this stuff?

How is it that we all know about fire safety, but we don't know what are the crucial points in exiting abuse?  

In order for abuse to begin lessening, we have got to form a tighter group.  We need the law to recognize the NEEDS of the victim and make sure that they are not alone.

We tend to think that victims are supported when their families are pulling a tight circle, but we fail to acknowledge that most families have no clue as to what to expect, what is needed and what is helpful, for they too are first timers in the sea of turbulance of finding out the truths about their children and grandchildren. Emotions are running high and often out of control, trying to stop the leak that has been going on far too long.

Advocates that can calm the waters and offer helpful ways through….are needed.

We all need to recognize that we are on the same team…and we all play a key role, but we need to tell each other what those needs are.  It seems now that there are many individuals….but no team.

We are all on the same side….trying to stop evil.