Passing on the Love!

My youngest brother let me go, said good by and backed up from this situation….moving on.

Interesting that I am the problem.  I am the trouble, I am the one to leave.  Why?

What did my do, as my son used to say when little, what did I do?

My persistance and bulldog stance in not capitulating leads them to walk away from me. Most have claimed they can't live 'being so negative', they in order to move on, they have to just be positive.  Or, like my mother…pack it away as "Old News".

My latest brother to leave, wants most to move on and be positive and to forgive and love, so he will. But, not me.

I am one that is too hard to be with, for I will not see life through only one lens, positive.  I will see clearly both sides of life and I will move freely based upon the actions of others.  

Unbeknownst to him, he is showing clear signs of being confused, by throwing away the one who speaks the truth and clinging to the one who overlooks it.

I know I will get flack for this, for saying they are overlooking the truth…but they are, for they are not moving away from it, just allowing it to be IN the relationship.  It is okay.  

What always makes me nuts is how they will walk away from me, who hasn't done one negative action toward them, but will stay close to those who have.  

I also know, that in their confusion, this makes sense.  In order to keep a relationship, they have to make someone wrong or bad, and it gets to be me.

I just want to know what I did?

What did I do specifically to you?

Besides writing about abuse.  Abuse which you claim happened.  Abuse which you all say YOU TOO WERE affected by.  If we are all on the same page, then why is that you let me go?  Why is it that I am kicked to the curb for writing about something that is true?  Oh and if you all agree with me, why is it that we walk differently?  

My brother showed me once again the juxtaposition of words and actions.

We agree, but we show it differently?

There would be no disagreement about our parents and our childhoods, there only is a disagreement in how we move.

I move completey away from abusive actions, while you all stay…and move on with the relationship.  I wonder why that is?  I wonder why you stay as much as you wonder how I can go?

While you kick my ass to the curb, you are choosing to stay for a reason, you get something in return, a reward, a prize, a benefit…there is more of a payoff for staying the course in your lives…for overlooking abuse and being family.

Is it family?

Can you overlook the 'bad seed' and call it old news and get a family you can trust and know and rely upon? Really?  What is the exact make up of the person you are holding on so dearly to?  And more importantly, what exactly did I do wrong.  

I stopped all relationships with were connected with abuse and I am wrong for doing that because I tossed out family with the abuse???  Well, where else does abuse live?  It isn't in the furniture…but in the actions of the individuals.

I stopped my relationship with my mother for the exact reason that my abuse is old news to her, it isn't something worth speaking about any more.  While I am still working on changing the patterns in my behaviors so that my children will have a new one to follow.  8 years it has taken me so far to right her wrong.

Not my wrong, but hers.  What again did MY Do?

Please be specific…show me where I wronged my family of origin.  

I know where I wronged my children.  

I wronged them by repeating what was done to me by my mother. I am still working on a new pattern with my children.  A loving pattern.  

While you all see me working on hate….I am actually working on loving me and then passing on the love.