I M Perfect lady

My brother wrote on his blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com about Being positive and acting positive…being polar opposites, and I agree.

What I believe happens is that when you are raised in an abusive family you work like hell to keep it appearing and looking positive, nice and pretty….and that space is where you believe the heart of the family lies…in the space above the abuse.

And it is the child's job to continually create and re-create this space…and not look directly into the parents lives…but to see them with one eye closed and humming loudly to block out the harsh reality of what they are doing.

While beneath this pretty picture the children are painting, lies the dark ugliness of abuse…rotting and infecting each new generation…while the older generation continually tosses out abuse like yesterdays OLD NEWS. 

Acting positive in order to be a family…while the negative feelings surge and rage through you, require you put on a pretty face.

Trying to be patient, trying to be kind, trying to be positive.  Using alcohol and drugs to keep you feeling positive.

It is a false positive…in a false positive family. In order to be part of this family, you have to leave your abuse and its affects and stop talking about it.  IT is not welcome here. It is over and done, we moved on.

 This isn't something that is taken lightly or not defended.  I am shoved to the side in order to protect this false positive family unit.  For I will not act positive about a negative member(s).

Somehow dysfunctional families are striving to be perfect by NOT talking about the negative, when in fact, the only way to return to being positive is to talk about it, to keep talking and dealing until it is fully displayed and dissected and no longer putting in a negative charge into your system.

If only abuse was a one time event.  

If only abuse happened, and then was dealt with, but instead in abusive homes, it happens, it is covered up and never talked about, and you are left with a negative feeling inside of you that then goes on to collect more negative feelings, while the home life surface looks like a Hallmark Picture…

If you look again, at the family snapshots my mother sent, of a large family doing christmas, you would not see any indication of a pedophile or his damage upon the children…you would have to look deeper into their lives.  It is to HER benefit that a false positive be hung up. 

She doesn't want to air the dirty laundry of her marriage and child rearing years…she wants it to reflect the kinder side of her life.

It leaves those of us out here with the affects of the abuse, no where to go.  We don't fit into the family picture she paints.  In order to come in, you have to pretend to pretend that you are not abused OR that it has had any adverse affects in your life.

It is okay to say your abused, but don't talk about it or act like it…and certainly NOT for 8 years!

I guess I talk about it because she won't.  I talk about it because it made me who I am today…I make sense when you factor in the negative in our home.

It is not having the space in her life for us to be abused…that pushes us away.

Even my brother doesn't want me there, for I have this negative side of my life.

A side that has wrecked havoc in my world.

How could I ignore it and live a full life?

And if I did ignore it, would all the affects go away?

What I know for sure, is that my life was out of control until I was forced to face the negative and see where it was the leading director in my life.

I lived my life dancing above the abuse…in order to feel positive.  I was the good girl to make me good.  I had to please others to feel positive.  I had to make my children be good for me to be a good mother.  I was directing the world around me to make me good.

Now, I am good inside.  I am good with being abused.  I am good in knowing that I was but an innocent child and I was abuse.  It isn't who I am, it was what happened to me. 

It matters not how many kick my ass to the curb, I am still a good person inside.

Their actions say more about them, than they say about me.

As they kick me away, I know that they are kicking away abuse.

I am not my abuse.

I am me.

In order to make a false picture family, you will kick aside the good and keep the bad, for in order to make the negative positive, you make the positive negative.