I M Perfect lady

Mark Nepo – December 29

"As long as we sing, the pain of the world cannot chaim our lives."

"Through cancer, through growing up in America, through learning about the innumerable struggles for freedom around the world, all different but the same, through being with the people of South America, it has become very clear that giving voice to what is the inner essential to surviving what is outer.  No matter where we live or whom we love, no matter what we want or what we can't have, this is the lesson I can't repeat or learn enough."

"When everything in life presses from outside of us, we have no choice but to sing like scared children relying on their song to stop the pain, the way that fire stalls the cold. This is the secret of all spirit, why it cannot stay inside, but must be brought from within us into the world. For it is the song from within that keeps the pain of living from snuffing our lives. It is the song from within ignited again and again, that keeps the world going. When we do this for ourselves, we do it for every child not yet born."

"As night and day takes turns of this massive Earth spinning nowhere, the song we share within takes turns with the catastrophes of living. When we go silent, the age goes dark."

"Sing, then, in whatever tongue your pain has taught you. Sing, though you have no training and never went to school. Sing, because the cry from all the places you have kept quiet will stall the cold, will soften the danger, will keep the world possible for one more turn…."  Mark Nepo "The Book of Awakening"

Singing for me means to share your life, to give voice to your experiences and words to your pain.  Singing is being you.  Singing is not silencing your life, but to sing even if you can't carry a tune.  Sing out loud from deep within you.

Most often the second stage of abuse is forced silence.  We have to stop singing our life…we are controlled by the silence we feel we must keep.

We are only allowed to sing about things that don't matter and the ones that do, the life altering events, we stifle those words…go mute in fear and shame.  We learn to not talk about our truths…for we were told that it is shameful and we will lose those we 'love'.  So we don't.

When we dare to speak of the abuse, we get our song back…and we may lose relationships.  But, in my experience, the relationships were based upon my silence and keeping my song inside of me; my truths.

How can you have a relationship where the truth is left unsung?

What I feel is the most devasting and long lasting affects of abuse is that our singing voice is silenced.  That we have to bear witness alone without a voice…we become part and party with our fear of singing out loud what happened…and to keep singing until someone hears us.

In the past 8 years, the way I have been treated as a big adult who began singing, is that you will not find a familiar ear to hear your words.  

Families of dysfunction are all tone deaf to your words.  They only will hear songs of praise and good memories and will fall deaf when you sing words of abuse.  Oh, they will say they hear you, but they will continue on with their life unchanged.  Like your words passed through their ears without falling into their consciousness.

What I have come to know is the ability of the human mind…how it can take the least amount of information and weave the most plausible story, or it can in 1 10,000th of a second, disregard what it hears and replace it with what It believes.

I also believe that it is not our singing voice we fear, but the lack of being heard and for the world to stop spinning in its normal routine.  What I am most perplexed by and even admiral about, is the way most lives will return to back to normal, like nothing happened…with barely a skipped beat.

What I called life changing and life ending, was just a small blip on their screen.

It shows to me their controlled minds…and how their beliefs block my song from entering. It is wildly intriguing and at the same time extremely maddening.  It shows live living proof the affects of abuse…an abused mind.

The greatest feat of our abusers is their ability to convinve our minds to believe something that isn't real.

And, once they flip our minds out of reality, we then live from this skewed view.

Imagine if you will, we BELIEVE that our abusers Love us.

We believe that we did something wrong.

We believe we did something to be ashamed of.

All the beliefs are attributes of the abused mind.

It isn't the fact that we endured the physical act of sexual abuse that leaves us scarred for life, but rather the way our minds has been turned.

If you were abused and had a loving parent see it for what it was, you would not be left with an abused mind.  

The abused mind flips around all the facts of the event of abuse and the characters that are involved. Where you take on the traits of the abuser and the abuser becomes innocent.

In order to flip this around, you literally have to go against your mind and your beliefs and literally stop living life by what your mind says and rely instead upon actions that your eyes can see.  And sing what you see.

I refused to be swayed by the words that many wanted me to hear to 'explain' their actions away.

I did not care for words, but relied instead upon actions.

Imagine if you will how a child is convinced that the perpetrator loves them while forcing them to preform sexual acts. This extreme juxtaposition is made 'right' in your mind.

When you can finally get right with reality, you are no longer under the affects of abuse…the flipped around mind.

I sang my truth against the protesting mind…knowing it was my way to being free from the affects of abuse.  My writing and blogging is my song of freedom.