I M Perfect lady

Today's reading in "Simple Abundance" By Sarah Ban Breathnach she writes,

"When we can't access our inner resources, we come to the flawed conclusion that our happiness and fulfillment come only from external events. That's because external events usually bring with them some sort of change.  And so we've learned to rely on circumstances outside ourselves for forward or backward momentum as we hurdle through life. But, we don't have to do that any longer.  We can learn to be the catalysts for our own change."  Sarah B

To switch gears from outside to inside will require you to change from being passive to being agressive….from a bystander to movement…from wishing to doing.  It will require YOU to move Before there is a crash on the outside; to become the change you wish to see in the world as Ghandhi said.

I was forced to go inward, for my outer world became littered with debris, and each piece carried with it a mountain of dyfunction and lies.  It appeared to me that the only place that held peace, was inside of me….in a far corner, a place where the Me of me lived.  Untouched by the wreckage outside.

I clung to this space. 

Small though it was.

It was a complete change…finding and being me from the inside, instead of being defined by the outward events.

I guess, I fled to the inside, for I did not feel that it was right to be defined by my father's pedophilia.  "This will not define me", was a war cry, a plea to the Universe to see me from a different view.

It wasn't that I denied who my father was, but his life and my life were not going to be one.  It was the beginning of separation…of searching for a Me that I defined.

Who was I?

I knew that even if I was abused, that wasn't the whole of me…nor was it something that I designed for me….it happened to me, but it wasn't my choice.  

In deciding that I would not be defined by my father, I literally changed my perception of me; from the outside to the inside.

I used to say, "I am living my life from the inside out…."

What I believe Sarah is working towards is the same. To live life from the inside out, but without having to experience a total life crash on the outside…and being forced to alter your life.

She then writes about the 6 threads of contentment…

"There are six principles that will act as guides as we make our inner journey over the next year.  These are the six threads of abundant living which, when woven together, produce a tapestry of contentment that wraps us in inner peace, well-being, happiness and a sense of security. First there is Gratitude. When we do a mental and spiritual inventory of all that we have, we realize we are very rich indeed. Gratitude gives way to Simplicity – the desire to clear out, pare down, and realize the essentials of what we need to live truly well.  Simplicity brings with it Order, both internally and externally. A sense of order in our lives brings us Harmony.  Harmony provides us with the inner peace we need to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us each day, and Beauty opens us to Joy.  But just as with any beautiful needlepoint tapestry, it is difficult to see where one stitch ends and another begins. So it is with Simple Abundance."  Sarah B.

I do believe it is possible to make these changes ahead of the crash, but I do wonder what the impetus would be?  It almost seems that we as humans wait for life to become unbearable, before we look for a new way.

I can't see the reason for creating a new tapestry if the old one is not thread bare and full of holes.  

I do believe that I have woven a new tapestry, a new cloth and pattern that is a full composite of me, even the dark colors of abuse are weaved in, but along side of them are my free choices…choices that bring me Love, Peace and Joy.

There is a flow and harmony in my world by what I allow and what I do not….

I see the cloth of abuse being dark….minus the sharp colors and bright hues…I see it as a blinding cloth.  Blinding you from seeing you.

My new piece of fabric is filled with contrast and legacy, but it is now stitched with awareness and truth, layered with what brings me happiness and contentment.

Perhaps what we do is use the blinding dark cloth and add our passion, our creative choices, like making stitches of color that define us.

I can almost visualize a quilt that represents this….the dark with added pieces of bright….it could be the six threads.  Gratitude, Simplicity, Order, Harmony, Beauty and Joy.

I truly feel that my life is mostly made of this cloth.