My Faith Lies in the Truth

In writing about gratitude I wrote that I am grateful to have what my mother so desperately wanted; a man she could trust…that she felt by forgiving his sins over and over, she would end up with that man.

It is incredible that by repeatedly forgiving the same sin over and over, you don't see the sin, but the slate wiped clean.

It showed her tenacity for not giving up on her dream…even if it continually showed blemishes.  Or her tenacity and her faith.

Even if the dream was impossible, she never wavered…she wiped away the stain over and over and over again.  Never seeing the soiled cloth.

I can't imagine how it had to feel to finally give up after 50 years of holding on and finding nothing in your hands…but the soiled cloth.

What I find so incredible is that I too once believed in the cloth's ability to wipe away stains, and now I am an unbeliever….yet I still believe in love and trust.

I found my way to love and trust by doing the opposite of my mother.  

My brother once asked "How can you be so sure?"  It wasn't about anything specific, but just how can you be so sure?

Because I am living my life by what I see and not by my ability to wipe away things away.

I don't have a magic cloth or eraser, I see clearly and I respond in kind.  

I am sure about myself. That I will have the ability to respond to what is, for it cost me too much in the past to not respond.

It wasn't easy at first to see life without a filter or soft cloth to make it kinder, but once I understood that my mother was not spared, she wasn't able to create a better world, but just involved more people in her make belief world, I was able to stop pretending to pretend things were different than they appeared.

But, I did not toss out love, trust or finding great relationships…I instead learned how to grow and develop ones worth having.  

I do this by seeing each action and not wiping away the bad ones and holding on to the good.

I hold on to both.  I honor the good and I honor the bad.  

I learned more from my bad behaviors and why I did what I did.  

They actually held a part of me that was in pain or that I denied.

Looking back, all my bad behaviors were screaming my truth.

The truth that my mother wanted to wipe away…with her faith.

In the end, my truth was stronger than her faith.

How can I be so sure?  I can, because my faith lies in the truth.