I M Perfect lady

I was given a gift of a small book, "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the 50th Anniversary Edition.  

It is written by a wife, a mother and a woman…she asks, "What is the shape of my life?" referring to a shell.

"The shape of my life today starts with a family.  I have a husband, five children and a home just beyond the suburbs of New York.  I have also a craft, writing, and therefore work I want to pursue.  The shape of my life is, of course, determined by many other things; my background and childhood, my mind and its education, my conscience and its pressures, my heart and its desires.  I want to give my and take from my children and husband, to share with friends and community, to carry out my obligations to man and to the world, as a woman, as an artist, as a citizen."

"But I want first of all – in fact, as an end to these other desires – to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can.  I want, in fact – to borrow from the language of the saints – to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible.  I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense, By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony.  I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, "May the outward and inward man be at one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." Anne

As I was reading this and picturing the life I carry, I couldn't help but see the difference between my life now, and my life before I knew about being abused.

Imagine the two different shells to carry and the state of grace or the lack thereof, living in them.

A woman living under the shell of abuse, can't move in harmony with how she feels…instead she moves to please others. The whole dance and composition of the shell is not about her; but about keeping the abuse a secret, her feelings a secret.  It is a shell and a life that is lived without her…yet lived by her.

That is a life that is moved by the shell or secret…where you are being moved along by its needs, not yours.

Once I knew what was upon my back, how my life was being orchestrated by abuse and its need to be unknown, I threw that shell off…and have been attempting to form a new shell (life) that reflects me…that I can wear gracefully…that is pure me.

The difference between my two lives is remarkable and how it feels to live under each, on opposite ends of the spectrum of life.

I am not sure if there is a graceful way to wear abuse.

And, it has taken time for me to walk gracefully in my new life.  And, there are still places and people where it requires herculean efforts to be grace.  Where I am once again challenged to match my inner(feelings) and my outer(actions)…in an awkward presentation, compared to my old responses.

Where my inner requires me to say and do things that they don't agree with or like and I then have to remain steadfast to hold on to my grace…while knowing it is upsetting to them.

It can't pretend to pretend to pretend to walk their way and my way is unfamiliar and unknown to them.  We are walking and expressing two completely different languages.

In one life I lived and moved to preserve abuse and in the second life I lived to preserve the spirit of me.

The cost to go back and just acquiesce, it isn't about the shell of abuse or that I am now a big girl and it can no longer hurt me, or that he is dead or that she did the best that she could, or that family is family no matter what, or that everyone did the best that they could and had their reasons….It would be about me losing my grace.

My harmony with self.