Keeping me from my life.

A comment on my last post, prompted me to remember these two quotes by Dr. Maya Angelou.

"Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives." 

"…surrender in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."

What I knew, but didn't know know, was that one of the affects of abuse is lying.

We lie to survive…

We surrender to lying, for it feels better than knowing the truth.

And, I also believe we are forced to lie for the abuser and if the person we tell doesn't believe, we are forced to give up our truths, for no one will help.

Our tolerance for lying is how we literally survive.

It is almost a requirement to being able to make it out of abuse…and at the same time; the tool we used to survive, is the same one that we have to tear down in order to heal.

No more lies.  And, we know intuitively how much trouble we will be in when we begin this process. 

Fear and terror come in when we give up our lies and refuse to play the game of secrets.  We are putting aside the cocoon we used to protect ourselves when we were little.

We survived by crawling into lies.

It seemed impossible and completely insane, to be so terrified of being truthful.

And, how at 54, I am okay with 'not being liked' when I am being truthful.

How immature this sentiment is, and yet so powerful that it kept me a cripple…a woman who felt more secure in lies, than standing in her truth.

Not only did I have to fight myself and keep my own fears and terror at bay, but I had a family who ridiculed and hollered at me while exiting my 'safe' place.  Which makes the healing from abuse so unique and complex.

If your abuser is a family member, you will not be supported as you discover and recover your truths.  Instead, they will rise against you

Not only do you feel vulnerable for leaving your survival mode, but you are being bombarded and put down for doing so. There are no cheers of encouragement, rather there is raining disapproval.

I stand in awe of my journey…and, as Dr. Maya Angelou also says, "I would take nothing for my journey now."

Looking back, it seems as if the veil of illusion was ripped from my eyes and the truth blinded me.  I was ill prepared and crippled, like bird whose shell was busted from the outside.  One moment I was in the comfortable illusion, the next standing naked, defenseless outside with the truth swirling around me; one assault after another.

I had thought the inside of the egg was my life…when in fact, it was keeping me from my life.