I M Perfect lady

The book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes is full of insightful passages into the dynamics and intricacies in the journey of abuse.  Incredible in the trajectory of our lives, by our bond with our abuser.

A bond that isn't consciously formed or even visible…yet its magnetic force field lives our lives for us…like an addict, we are drawn.

While I know I have witnessed the insane attraction; it leaves me breathless in the way it was constructed…and how we appear powerless and hopeless as we dance bonded to the one who betrayed us.

What I failed to appreciate was the addictive aspects AND the strength of the bond…even though I have felt its strength not only in myself but in others.

It appears to be a lightly made choice to be loyal to a family member, while masquerading as their drug of choice.

What I had felt and even tried to articulate was that my drug was my family.  It seemed like a complete juxtaposition, but my wellness depended upon me breaking that bond.

A bond that was formed and created from the toxic combination of kindness and abuse.

I have more respect for a married man to ask a woman (not his wife) for a date, rather than to groom and smoothly subtly court himself into an affair.  For clearly the woman would be aghast to be asked out by a married man….but, a 'friendship' that is slowly brewed is not so easily detected as the dance of a courtship with a married man.  His 'kindness' has an agenda…which is the mask that hides his betrayal.

The bond that is created is laced with kindness while injected with abuse.

The betrayal is when the 'kindness' isn't what it is was set out to be…

The grooming and courtship that most abusers put out first is the bond…a bond of trust, faith and love…and it is made to withstand the abuse.  They not only rely and depend upon it, but will shame you for pointing out their 'faults'…when there is so much more 'kindness' than the one small infraction.

Just as my father's supporters rallied and presented his hardworking ways, his never asking for anything for himself, for supporting financially his 14 children by clothing and feeding us.  Failing to bring in the cost of his abuse towards his daughters and the consequences for all who lived in his home.

The bond isn't that that abuse is laced with kindness, but rather the opposite. There first is formed a kindness that appears to be solid gold…and then a small speck of abuse is added.  

What most will fail to bring into their awareness IS that this kindness and trust gathering, confidence building, faithful courtship HAS to be in place first…in order for their abuse to happen.

Abusers are the master manipulators in setting us up. Setting things up.  Working the landscape for their benefit.  It isn't about us, but themselves.

There was one key question I thought, well actually many in this book, but one that stood out.  Who would it affect most and how, if you broke off the relationship?

Isn't that an interesting question?

Especially when you look at the toll it has taken on your life.

How would your life be better without this relationship…?

Looking back at my life, I can clearly see the cost it had on my life to remain in a relationship with my father and my mother…as well as many of my siblings.

What wasn't so clear to me was the betrayal bonds that I had and how they were like addictions and how hard it was to break free of them and be in peace, love and joy.

The inability to be free… was the huge key in knowing I was bonded.

Here are a few signs he writes about whether trauma bonds exist in your life.

"when you obsess abut people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)

when you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain

when you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you

when you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive

when you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you

when you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable

when you ae unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships

when you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care

when you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away

when you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen

when you are loyal to people who have betrayed you

when you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse

when you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

He also goes on to write….

"Trauma Bonds as Addictive"

"How do trauma bonds become addictive?  The answer is in the same way other addictions work.  The criteria for addiction are the following."

1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior

2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom

3. Obsession with the behavior

What I didn't know, is that being in relationships with those who abused you was an addiction itself.  I however, felt the pull and hardship as I exited the relationships.

It was like a withdrawl from a very strong substance, AND like an alcoholic, I wasn't allowed one little sip or taste and I felt it would have me falling off the wagon.  

I quit smoking over 23 year years ago, and in that time I have not put a cigarette to my lips nor take even one drag….for that is all it would take to have me bonded to the butts again.

I feel the same way about the engagement with my abusive family…

Just as I understood the harmful consequences of smoking, I also now know the abject impact those relationships would have on my life.

And, the cost is just way too high.

What I would lose the most is my inner sense of peace, love and joy for my self, my soul and my essence.  I would betray the very soul of me.

Knowing this keeps me away.

I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me to be once again pulled into the tangled web of abuse laced with kindness.  What a deadly combination.

You want the kindness…but it comes trailing abuse.

I had said in the very early days of finding out my father was a pedophile, of knowing it to the depth of my being….to pick one. The father or the pedophile.

The kindness or the abuse.

What I would say, is that it is a pretend kindness for running unchecked and out of control is the call of abuse, the desire and addiction to take what he wants without regard to the cost it will leave behind on the victim.

A married man doesn't see his wife, his kids or even the woman he is cheating with, all he sees is himself.  A pedophile doesn't see beyond his tortured desires. 

I was the complete opposite of these two….I didn't see my own needs.

Again, the questions "Who will suffer the most when the relationship ends?"

Surely not the person who is being hurt the most…but rather the one who gained the most at its inception.

While it appeared that I lost a lot by leaving so many relationships behind, I was actually gaining one that I had never even seen.  My relationship with me.

Martha Beck in her book "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World" writes about how we have each have a purpose for our lives and all things will serve that purpose.

In the past, my purpose was to please my abusers….to perhaps promote and contribute to their lives and happiness, while disregarding mine.  I was a people pleaser without a core value to call my own.

I also recall very early on putting out a decree "I will go forth with Love, Peace and Joy".

In all my choices from that moment on had to feel right by me.

They had to match those feelings inside of me.  If, I felt at all twitchy or anxious, that was the wrong choice FOR me.

That is how the bond was broken.  I made a bond with my spirit; my little girl inside.