I M Perfect lady

Patrick Carnes book, "The Betrayal Bond" is like a blueprint into so many lives…to not only what happens to a life that has been abused, but its consequences or the changes their life then takes.  

He writes…(it is a long blog, but full of great information)

"Children are presented with what trauma researcher David Calof has described as the "universal bind".  Do not see, hear, sense, feel or address what is real. Instead, accept what is unreal and proscribed in the interest of your survival.  Disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable.  The bind is that the child is presented with only two options (1) to be overwhelmed with terror and not able to function, or (2) distort reality to survive. Because of the bind, distorting reality becomes part of the "working model" eventually used in adult relationships.  Therapists Blizard and Bluhm describe it this way."

"These defenses are highly adaptive in childhood, because they permit the child to survive in an abusive family.  In adulthood the defenses become maladaptive, because they prevent the survivor from accurately perceiving the presence or absence of abuse.  By permitting the adult survivor to maintain a relationship with someone who resembles the original abuser, these defenses perpetuate the cycle of abuse."

What Patrick is writing is what I have experienced myself and what I am dealing with or witnessing of my family.  The mere fact that their lives went on pretty much uninterrupted, shows the universal bind.

He goes on to write about the crashing of the bind…or when we are no longer able to keep reality at bay.

"Sooner or later this system gathers enough momentum that a life crisis occurs. Something so bad happens that the victim can no longer simply go forward. Forgetting about the past and coping with the day is not enough.  Those who have the courage decide to change, whatever the cost; it literally takes that kind of resolve to make the change."  Patrick

What I experienced was a life crisis, while most in my family were not at the breaking point, they, it seems, had years to go…

It isn't that the affects of the abuse were not severe for them as well, but that their lives and addictions are not at the crisis point.  While it is the most terrifying and life ending feeling, it is what is needed to right yourself… to stand nose to nose with reality.

He goes on….

"The Path of Awareness"

"By reconstructing the path from the original trauma to the life crisis, we gained an important insight into recovery.  People in our study recovered in stages, and the order of their recovery was almost the reverse of how people got into their life crisis. Most had to experience some type of intervention to get out of the trauma-based system.  If they were addicted to alcohol or gambling, they had to start a recovery program around that illness.  If they were hooked into a destructive relationship, they had to do something about it. If they were dissociating, stuck in deprivation behaviors or immersed in shame, they would seek treatment for it. To start, they had to focus on the trauma solutions, identifying the immediate source of the chaos. Their recovery was akin to putting up a tent in the wind – some pegs have to go in the ground before you can anchor the tent and raise the poles."

"These early interventions create confusion about what is real.  The survivors, in beginning these intial changes, also start to accept that the rationalization and distortions they have used or believed were part of the problem. And they were confused by that. Remember, a survivor has been asked to disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable. After the intervention, survivors are unsure of what reality really was. This created the window for the next stage – the next stage in which denial and repression break. When survivors stop using the dysfunctional solutions they have used (i.e. high-risk behavior, medicating or anesthetizing, repeating the event), they can expect that:

memories to previous abuse will return

they will have intense reactions to what they do remember

they will have an expanded understanding of what happened in the past

they will see continuing aspects of those abusive patterns now

they will know how high the cost has been

they will be very fearful of what this means for them and their lives

"After the intervention, those participating in the study asked several questions: What if this is all true? What does this mean about me? About my family? What will happen now if say this out loud? How will people react? Will it be worse if I admit the truth?  Is it safer to hide? As you've read this book, you may have asked yourself some of those same questions."

"If you understand that this fearful reaction is the beginning of grief, it helps. Whenever there is a significant loss -whether individually or collectively – the stages of human grieving are quite predictable. First, there is denial – "This cannot be true?" Then there is fear – "What if it is true?" This is followed by anger – "This is unfair." Anger is followed by the wrenching pain of loss "This hurts too much to bear." Finally, there is acceptance and an attempt to derive some meaning out of all that happened."

"There are several things that make it different for survivors. First, grief is delayed. Most grief cycles begin with a current loss, such as the death of a loved one. Survivors have not been able to acknowledge the pain that has been accumulating. It is somewhat akin to running in front of a growing avalanche for years and never being more than a few inches in front of it. When you stop, the avalanche overwhelms you. When you no longer have the cushion of trauma solutions, the pain envelops you all at once."

"Second, the intial trauma may have distorted the relationship template used as an adult. The result is that survivors have a vulnerabilty most people do not have. They often are not able to discern when someone is being exploitive or abusive toward them. This interfers with their sense of loss, their outrage and their pain."

Third, most people plunge into grief can be public about their loss.  If a loved one dies in an auto accident, there is no mystery as to why the family members hurt. But when the loss is shrouded in pledges of secrecy and in shame and betrayal, getting support wil require incredible vulnerablity: "How could I have been so foolish? So trusting and accepting?" Worse, talking about the loss means disloyalty within the abusive system.  Anger can help break the loyalty of the betrayal bond. For survivors, the typical anger at God most people in grief experience is coupled with anger toward the victimizer. This anger becomes an empowering emotion that helps to break the secrecy and dissolve the insane loyalties."

"Finally, most people grieve because the loss is painful. Survivors must add another dimension to that pain. It starts when they realize that the people who abused them were also abused. Perhaps the abuse may even go back many generations. Survivors move beyond this realization to a new level of integrity when they acknowledge that they have also abused others.  Maybe they did not do the same things, but they still victimized others.  They are part of the unbroken chain, which can be incredibly painful to admit.  We call this victimization consciousness, which means the victim understands the whole picture. She now grasps and accepts the whole complex series of relationships, solutions to trauma, and accumulated loss. With acceptance comes a new sense of peace." Patrick.

First of al,l it took me awhile to understand what he meant by "Trauma Solutions". 

Trauma solutions are what we came up with to NOT feel the pain or see/hear and sense the abuse.

So, now we have the trauma that we don't want to deal with and then the trauma solution.  

What I also understood, that I was in grief about so many things…that my life was in a complete overload between what had happened, who they truly were, and how I had built a life upon a false reality, and then who I was and what I had done.

Each small piece was enormous…and I had many on my plate.

I sense that many are believing that they ARE DEALING with the abuse of our childhood home, when in fact all they are truly doing is running inches ahead of a huge wall that will collapse at one point.  It isn't IF it will, but when it will.

All the disbelief that is directed my way, is the universal bind…I feel their distortion and insane rationalizations…which all are key points showing their abuse.

This book clearly shows the landscape and the cost of living in abuse, unaware.