I M Perfect lady

Accepting who you are seems like kindergarten play, and yet, it is my belief, that people are complete ill at ease with who they are, where they have been, and what experiences they have experienced, and are trying desperately to be something that is impossible to be.

Isn't the autoimmune diseases, when the body fights itself? I looked it up, "An illness that occurs when the body tissues are attacked by its own immune system."

When we are unable to wholly accept who we are, we are at war with our self…fighting not to be in the life we have lived.

Maybe it is due to the feelings of shame we have for leaving our self behind in so many decisions.  To spend our choices based on how they will affect others and not how they will feel to our self.

I wish there was a word for this non-acceptance of self, this annihilation of our own life's journey.

I wonder too, if we consulted our self first, before making choices, would we then be able to live with our self more comfortably?

I also know, that one of the first affects of abuse is the wanting to leave your abused self behind, to hide it and never look. Perhaps this becomes a way of life…to not see/feel or be with your self.  Maybe to make others comfortable we had to leave our abused selves behind.

I know, for my self, that when I fully accepted my abuse, I was able to accept me completely and I found such great love and affection, admiration and gratitude for all parts of me. 

The part of my mind that shielded me from abuse, by failing to acknowledge it with memories.  The part that worked so diligently to right wrongs that were not mine to right.  The confused volatile, screaming mother, trying to love her children…without the proper model. Even the terrified adult woman who didn't know who she was…I accept them all.  I understand and feel deeply for all aspects of abuse and its long term and lingering affects…and the woman who lived through it.

To not accept her during her various stages of development, would be to not understand or appreciate her growth as well as her trials along the way.

Dr. Robin wrote about repentance….being a U-turn.

"To repent is to turn and go in another direction." 

I feel that my last 8 years have been going in a completely different direction than my first 46.  I did a U-Turn and began living with full acceptance of me.  

The way the FALC viewed repentance, was only to forgive an action that happened, but they never required you to change direction. 

Repentance in the FALC, is repetiveness…to keep falling and sinning and getting it forgiven time and time again. 

How can you accept a self that fails over and over again?

How can you trust a self that is so unreliable?

The difference I believe is that their belief is that you can wipe away actions….and that alone leaves you with no incentive to change. But, what if your actions leave an indelible print upon your life? What then?  What if you had to carry with you all that you say and do?  How would you live knowing there is no life eraser?

I thought for 46 years that the church held this magical eraser only to find out it was all in my mind, but that in reality, my actions were written as my life.

I had to accept all my sins as part of me….and the only repentance was to make a U-turn and live a life knowing each choice is a part of me.  I will make them either in denial or in awareness, but either way, they are me.

Acceptance of self is a wild and terrifying ride into reality…as your self, without a mask or eraser to make changes.  It is living naked fully exposed…actions and experiences all in the open for all to see.