Sometimes the weight of estrangement seems too much… being the outsider or the one who 'left'…who required more than their capabilities. When my new requirements are too hard for me to carry, and yet impossible to put down.
Where it is hard to be me, but impossible not to be. Where life is asking me to continue down a road less traveled and what it feels like to experience estrangement.
Somehow, I forget to remember that estrangement from family will not be to be embraced, but instead to feel the absence of family.
To be set apart.
If only this estrangement could be quickly healed, that it was only in my mind where my family was abusive, that in reality, we were just a large poor family…with family type disagreements, not the deep dark crevice of abuse.
If only I could go back into the warm embrace of family…
I wonder what is worse, knowing there is no family to return to or being estranged…and is it the same?
Why is it that I want more from family; than it seems others do? Why am I not settling for the plausible reasons for their behavior?
I looked up "Plausible" to see what it truly meant…and was shocked.
1. Seemingly or apparently valid, likely, or acceptable; credible: a plausible excuse.
2. Giving a deceptive impression of truth or reliability.
3. Disingenuously smooth; fast-talking
Wow.
I thought plausible was actually a second choice….that it was a reasonable new option. That I chose one way and they had a completely new second choice that was also acceptable and credible. That I chose estrangement and to leave abuse, while they found a valid way to stay in the family.
Who knew that plausible was giving a deceptive impression of the truth or reliability?
Yet I knew by how I felt.
Their actions have never felt right by me.
Plausible is a way of talking to me that hides their truth.
I wonder if they have used plausible for actions by my parents? If they have a plausible family even?
Plausible isn't a reliable second choice, but rather a way of distorting the truth.
I am stunned by this…and yet affirmed.
Plausible is disingenuously smooth…fast talking. What comes to mind is a snake oil salesman.
"If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."
What is sad or not even plausible is to create a family out of an abusive one….to make null and void actions that have done irrevocable damage…to make up a plausible excuse.
I am not sure what is more damaging the original sin or the plausible story that follows…
It seems very little are standing with their actions or are reliable witnesses to their own deeds…and feel that I am gullible enough to hear a plausible story and not see their action.
Knowing the true definition of plausible has made me more confident of my walking. I do labor at times with my knowing in how it seems so severe and relentless…but if I did not, abuse would become plausible love.
I M Perfect lady 
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