I M Perfect lady

Chapter 11 in "Hungry" by Robin Smith

Living with the Hole

"The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie." Ann Landers

"Thousands of people connected with my term "hole in the soul." I think that's because deep down many of us know that there is also a hole in our souls. We make up our country as its citizens, so if there is a hole in the soul of the country then we must check out the individuals who comprise this body we call America. The same is true of parents and their children.  Parents want their children "fixed" and whole. But those same parents are often unwilling to look at their own brokenness and the holes that their children inherited from them."

"Having a hole in your soul is nothing to feel ashamed about. It is something to attend to. The holes in our souls highlight the key elements that are missing in us, and become a trusted guide to find the root of what is broken and injured in ourselves. Holes don't just go away of their own accord.  Some remain empty, while others get filled with imitation fillers or inferior substances – which always cause bigger problems later. But they may just as easily be filled with life-giving materials. These life giving materials are the nourishment we need and crave."

"We nourish ourselves by establishing and maintaining healthy, substantive relationships with self and others; by having boundaries that foster respect and allow authentic "yeses" and "nos" when necessary; and by practicing good self-care as we nourish and nurture ourselves.  Yet too often we go hungry."

"When families choose to mask their pain and suffer in silence, they are filling the hole with a temporary, inadequate substance.  They're busy applying spackle to a crater, hoping people on the outside won't notice their suffering. They're terrified that others – even perfect strangers – will see the truth of their sleepless nights, loveless marriages, addicted family members, angry parents, despised siblings, and internal conflict. They'd rather fill these holes in, cover them up, than let anyone know they are human, hungry and imperfect."  Dr. Robin Smith

At times I had to wonder if my pointing out all the holes in my family of origins fabric was helpful or exploitive, if there was a way to heal and not reveal?

The truth of my family is literally the hole in the soul of our family…which leads to holes in the souls of the individuals who all have started from there.  

My soul's intention was to give my children a fabric that wasn't filled with holes and gaps and me pretending with artificial fillers and remain in the family for the ease….instead I hope to pass on my fabric. 

My fabric in how I live my life.  

There are no holes I try and cover up.

There are no rips that I want to pretend are not there.

I live out in the open in all things…often to their discomfort.  

My history and life's past may not be filled with wonderful loving memories, but it is my fabric of truth…

My fabric of truth has many dark tones and I am now doing my best to add life giving colors…

I believe we can't truly be ourselves until we reveal our selves to our self. I know who I am and where I came from and how it affected my life.  I am now unwilling to settle for relationships that are not substantive and healthy.

I will not willingly make holes in my soul…for your comfort and ease.

I am too aware now of what rips holes in my soul and I will not willingly participate in in the shredding of me.

I can live with the holes of my past and respectfully honor how they came to be…how I came to be.  

And, I believe I now have the opportunity to weave a new cloth in what I pass on to the generations below me. At the very least, I will not be one to make the holes in their souls…by being dishonest…and covering up my legacy…or showing them an inauthentic way of being.

Each choice we make and all we do, knits together the legacy we leave behind…

I see mine as a very rich tapestry with swirling darkness and graceful brights…the years of blind unknowing, clashing with the mind blowing awareness and infused with my inner truths of who I am…the Fabric of My Being!