I M Perfect lady

I love what Brene Brown has to say about setting boundaries and its impact or perhaps byproduct…compassion.  

Boundaries and Compassion

"One of the greatest (and least discussed) barriers to compassion practice is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable. I know it sounds strange, but I believe that understanding the connection between boundaries, accountability, acceptance and compassion has made me a kinder person.  Before the breakdown, I was sweeter – judgmental, resentful, and angry on the inside – but sweeter on the outside. Today, I think I'm genuinely more compassionate, less judgmental and resentful, and way more serious about boundaries.  I have no idea what this combination looks like on the outside, but it feels pretty powerful on the inside."

"Before this research, I knew a lot about each one of these concepts, but I didn't understand how they fit together. During interviews, it blew my mind when I realized that many of the truly committed compassion practioners were also the most boundary-conscious people in the study. compassionate people are boundaried people.  I was stunned."

"Here is what I learned: The heart of compassion is really acceptance.  The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us.  This research taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."

 "Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming.  But it's also much more effective. Shaming and blaming without accountability is toxic to couples, families, organizations, and communities.  First, when we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior.  By the time this boss is finished shaming and humiliating his employees in front of their colleagues, the only behavior in question is his."

 "Additionally, if we don't follow through with appropriate consequences, people learn to dismiss our requests – even if they sound like threats or ultimatums. If we ask our kids to keep their clothes off the floor and they know that the only consequence of not doing it is a few minutes of yelling, it's fair for them to believe that it's really not that important to us."

"It's hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors. We can, and, in fact, it's the best way to do it. We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors – to address what they're doing, not who they are. It's also important that we can lean into the discomfort that comes with straddling compassion and boundaries.  We have to stay away from convincing ourselves that we hate someone or that they deserve to feel bad so that we can feel better by holding them accountable.  That's where we get into trouble. When we talk ourselves into disliking someone so we're more comfortable holding them accountable, we're priming ourselves for the shame and blame game."

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.  This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or choice.  For our own sake, we need to understand that it's dangerous to our relationships and our well-being to get mired in shame and blame, or to be full of self-righteous anger.  It's also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability."  Brene Brown 

In my experience her research and findings are true.  I may have appeared to be sweeter before I set boundaries, but inside my feelings were not so sweet.  Now my insides do feel much softer, kinder, more accepting…because I have set up boundaries.

People no longer mistreat me.  Not because they have changed, but because I have set up boundaries as to what I will accept and what I will not.

I have requirements and standards as to how people treat me and I hold them accountable for their behaviors.  And, I am the one they blame for having the audacity to put on standards, and not themselves for not being able to meet the mark.

Putting up boundaries WILL mean that some folks will not make the cut, some will have to change in order to continue in the relationship with you….and in my experience, most will take the easy road of blame and shame….and put all the responsibility on me, hold me accountable for 'wrecking' the relationship, when in fact, I am the one who is responsible for raising the bar.

I raised the bar and set up boundaries to ward of mistreatment, to stop the cycle of abuse.  Most will put all their focus on the perpetrator and never see what it is they allow…without boundaries.

So many in my family have raged at me for doing what I am doing, for holding folks accountable, like who do I think I am?  How can I call it loving or kind or anywhere near healed, to do such a thing?  Where is my compassion and loving heart?  

I know Brene is right, the practioners of compassion are the most boundary conscious.  I am very aware of what hurts me, of what upsets my insides, of what I will allow and what I will not.  I love that this makes me more compassionate and less judgmental….for it has felt that way for the past 8 years.

I am much more accepting of others and know the power of boundaries.

Without them I would be filled with rage, blame, shame and resentful….with them, I am compassionately at peace… With who I am, and what I am accountable for, and I give back to others what is their responsibility.

They blame me for having boudaries, instead of blaming themselves for having none.