I M Perfect lady

I continue to learn about me.  

I allow myself to put my self out, and then feel put out…and want to blame someone.

Anyone but me.

What I need to learn is not to over 'extend' myself…while 'lessening' other people's loads, I weigh myself down and then act like I have been 'put upon'…when I am the one loading me up. 

My last example wasn't a huge burden, but enough for a slow boil resentment inside.

While my mind searched for someone to blame, it didn't come to me, until I was in a conversation with someone who too was selling himself short.

It is so easy to look at the empty-handed folks with resentment…even when I was the one who orchestrated or emptied their arms.  It amazes me how I want to carry others…without no regard to the cost to myself.  I speak before I ask "how will this make me feel."

I want to spare the burden of others, while overloading myself…not seeing me cracking under the weight.

I used to feel like a rescuer, or one to 'save the day' or make the party, or shine in some over achieving way…only to subconsciously expect others to over participate as well.

Like we all need to give until it hurts.

What I also noticed it is harder to say no to small things and easier to say no to things of great moral outrage.  But to allow myself to carry just my share seems like I am barely trying…or 'not caring enough'…and even 'not loving enough'.

I am sure this goes back to the dysfunctional raising, where you are not to look at how certain behavior affects your inner self, but rather act without regard…and make other's happy, no matter what.

When you put yourself first, as you first make choices…you would be able to shut off the valve of resentment. 

It is maddening to know that I am the one to be resentful of.

And, it is very good news.  

For once again, I have the power to change.

For when I take on too much, all I serve is resentment…to myself and others.  It isn't serving caring or love.

Serving me love, will often mean doing less or nothing.

I will watch more closely how I serve myself.