I M Perfect lady

"Mental illness cannot be treated separately from the person; they are inextricably linked. Bipolar disorder is not like a physical illness where you can point to an empirical issue and fix it. So I feel I've answered the question, "Where does mental illness end and where do I begin?" In my case, we are one. I've made friends with the enemy, and the illness is no longer my disability."  Andy Behrman

This stuck with me after reading his article.

And I just experienced how the affects of being sexually abused by my father linger even 10 years into what is called healing or recovery.  It seems I can't escape.

I believe that the wounded girl will ride with me always.

I had thought, I could adjust my sails and she would be left on an island; separated from me.  That I could love myself enough, and she would disappear. That perhaps with enough Art Therapy, I could create myself into a person who would be unaffected by her childhood abuse.

But I now believe I can't separate myself from her.

I can however make her my friend…or at the very least accept and try to understand her.

She comes forth when someone close to me spends time with the family I am estranged from.

The feelings of betrayal flood; erupts.

I am overwhelmed and lost.

Betrayed and small.

The small girl eclipses my nowadays world of being 55. I am reduced to a child inside.

She doesn't want to be close to the "traitors".

I once again am uncertain I can articulate how insidious the affects are and how powerful these emotions of my childhood travel into my today world and cloud my judgment. 

What I know is that I wasn't able to consciously feel these feelings back then.  I had to force myself to participate in family…against the feelings of betrayal.

Each time family gathers as a normal one, I feel betrayed.

It is to pretend that my experiences didn't exit.

I can also see how the trigger happens and also how I place the blame of betrayal upon the wrong person.  

I back up from my husband or child…feeling betrayed…AGAIN.

It seems they carry fumes of betrayal from my family…it sticks to their being and I can't get near.

I place the false blame upon them…transferring my father's and mother's sins upon them.  I can't seem to separate the past from the present; it becomes one.  One big enemy.

It gets so convoluted…it appears quite mental…overblown and distorted and yet it all makes perfect sense coming from whence I came.

The lack of true expression as a child, creates this distortion in my adulthood.

I have a million betrayals coming to bear each time I perceive betrayal.

I have to look up the word "Betrayal".

"to fail or desert especially in time of need"

"to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.

 

"to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty."

Before I move on, I had to look up "Treachery".

"betrayal of trust; deceptive action or nature."

To me what I felt as betrayal was family betraying the meaning of family.

By actions and their nature they destroyed the content of what family is.

I also feel that I tried long and hard to create a family one that was stronger than the original betrayal.

My parents betrayed family when one chose to abuse the children and the other allowed it by virtue of doing nothing.

I tried to overlook and build around that.

Until I 'gave up'…and accepted the truth.  We are not family.

Yet, I am made to feel like the enemy or the traitor or the one who betrayed the family by sticking to the truth of abuse.

I can see how I felt as a child up against this family making machine…that totally overlooks and forgives and blesses all things that are unfamily like.  Like a tidal wave they overrun my words.

The party moves on.

People act like family is still there.

The illusion not broken.

And, each time someone close to me goes to their events, it feels like new believers. 

Converts.

I don't have the answers as to how not to feel betrayed…or how not to feel the need to back up. For in the past I neglected these feelings and tried to move forward against the magnetic field pushing me back.

I sit with this.

I sit with my wounded girl.

Giving freedom to come and go, also brings in triggers and these feelings.

I can see why others demanded complete and utter control and compliance…so as to not feel or see or know the disillusion of family.

I looked up "Disillusion" too.

"disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be."

It must be easier to paint me a new color than it would be to see the betrayal of family.

I feel I carry the label of being mental or being overly dramatic of screaming betrayal one too many times.

I think what gets my back up is each time they gather…it feels like they are stating the betrayal never happened; that all is well with family.

My body reverberates the lie.

What will always be a part of me is knowing it is a lie.  I can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend, we are family…

I love that my body doesn't lie.

 

 

 Here is the link to the full article about Mental Illness "Is Recovery Possible?" 

http://bipolar.about.com/od/electroboy/a/electroboy-mental-health-recovery.htm