I M Perfect lady

Video: WSJ Live: Andrew Solomon on Strengths in Difference.

What I hadn't thought about is our "Vertical" identity; the things we naturally inherit from our family of origin, the language we speak, color, religion etc…and then what Andrew calls our "Horizontal" identity that we get from our peer group.

He suggests that most parents ideally love their exceptional children…but it takes a long time to accept them.

He is mostly speaking about the exceptional child; those born with differences…but what came to me my peer group of adult children of abuse…my horizontal group.

I became an exceptional child at 46 when I acknowledged my abuse; when my denial broke.

Andrew speaks of how society is expanding and changing, in there being less stigma for the exceptional…but I believe the most challenged today are the abused children peer group.

Mostly because its acceptance would threaten the 'normal' family and 'normal' parents…creating them to the 'exception' not the rule.  In order for the stigma of abuse to disappear, the normal family will lose its grip on normal.

Our peer group most often doesn't ideally get parental love; for in abusive families it isn't there.  Let alone acceptance.

In fact, most often our families are the ones to turn their backs on us IF we insist on aligning ourselves with our peer group.

And if we turn our backs on our peer group, we turn our backs on our truth.

For some reason I knew we were the most stigmatized for our 'exceptional' status was created by family or someone known to our families.  

While it appears that the stigma is about us and our past of being sexually abused, it is much more about the family losing its reputation…and about changing the images and ideals we have about it.

Bill Cosby is in the news about sexually abusing women.  How many will adjust their preconceived ideals about him and change him into a man who rapes and abuses women?

His sterling image is more at stake than the women…and yet most will want to know more about the women accusing him; than question him and his actions.

This is the stigma we face.

In order for us to be loved and accepted in our peer group, someone has to fall.

Someone's reputation will be sullied.

Someone's love will turn to abuse.

Someone's life will change dramatically.

Our peer group, "children of abuse" are mis-labeled and seen as the wrong doers…and are gladly cast off in order to save the reputation of our abusers.

We are questioned, our motives scrutinized, our words doubted…and the abuser is allowed to stand mute and will gain volumes of supporters based on his carefully constructed mask he/she presents to the world.

The stigma of being abused IS that we are falsely accused of being the wreckers of family, the non-forgivers, the ones out to ruin an otherwise good person or family.

By casting us as the bad guys you all are letting many abusers run free all because you don't dare change your ideals about someone you thought you knew…