I M Perfect lady

I finished reading "The Fifth Sister: From Victim to Victor – Overcoming Abuse" by Laura Landgraf.  The complexity of incest and its longevity is astounding. To say nothing about the repulsive displays of humanity towards their own, and the powerlessness of the child and its long lasting effects they are left with.

The author became the black sheep of the family as she worked to keep her children safe as, she herself, set up boundaries. And, she lost the tenuous relationships she had with her sisters; due to their lack of wanting the wrath of her parents.

What I failed to consider was that.

How you have to be strong enough to withstand the ugliness that will come your way when you speak up and against family.  It isn't so much about the truth, but the backlash that will surely follow.

How it is better to keep sweet than to be the focus of attack.

While it is tough to speak of being abused within a family, it is much hard to be treated openly hostile.

Rather than willingly bring this upon themselves, family members will keep their mouths shut about the truth and become the voices for their parents.

In my experience, this is very true.

It is shocking to actually see this in action.

Here is what Laura wrote…

"Katie calls to say "shame on you".  Carly asks me to remove myself from her life.  I am stunned. What am I?  The black sheep for exposing my parents?  Or is she not strong enough to endure the brutal barrage from them to keep her inside their control?"

"Brandy and Daniel tell me my sisters are playing their roles in the family script and breaking away from such a family system takes a profoundly sturdy person.  They reassure me that I have immense courage. They're proud. I want to believe it all. I vacillate between confidence and terror. The very air feels fraught with pre-storm electrified stillness."  Laura

It truly does take a person of substance to walk away. And sadly, coming from a family fraught with abuse, it is very unique to find one. For the very nature of incest creates a person with the "self-esteem of flea" as Laura says.

The very nature of being able to heal yourself Will require you to get beaten up by your family as you leave.  It is the nature of the dysfunctional family system.

They are only following the family script and trying to keep under the radar and in the good graces.  And, not strong enough to survive being abused as they leave.

In her book, she writes;

"I think the fallout of this debacle may ruin us, Laura," Mom says, arms and legs crossed as she leans back in her chair. "We may be willing to fall on this sword, but I wish to god you were mentally ill.  Then you'd have an excuse for being who you are." 

"I go cold inside.  How can her words still hurt me?  And, yet they do."  Laura

Thee insanity of blaming the one who is blamed for speaking of their criminal treatment to children and minors is beyond words. 

Again, I experienced the same treatment, and I am sure my family would love to believe that I too am Mentally Ill.  It would be easier than trying to explain my absence due to the abuse that permeates the family circles.

She asks questions at the back of her book, I am sure for book clubs.  Here is one.

"Where are the lines of loyalty supposed to be drawn as a mother, between herself, her children, her spouse, and her community.  Do you think complicity in a spouse's mis-conduct typifies child abuse families?" 

An interesting line to distinguish, and walk. What is your line?

Where do your loyalties lie and why?

It was interesting to read about the ways each family member contributed to the abuse and why, and until.

A black sheep I am, for I followed my soul.

,

I am sure the questions she asks at the end, could be applied to our family as well.

Perhaps I will attempt to answer them next time.