I M Perfect lady

I heard a common phrase for the first time.

"Empty words". 

What struck me was how true the phrase was.

Words are not always full.

Of meaning, truth and actions.

Sometimes they are just letters arranged a certain way. 

Words without meaning, are meaningless. Empty.

I used to be a person that didn't look deeply or stare intently at anything.

Contents didn't matter. 

Surface did.

I used to even live a surface life.

What mattered most, was what people saw.  The outward appearances defined me.

The facade of life.

I was an empty word.

Inside the word woman was a place without meaning.

I was a composite of the church's beliefs. Sins of what not to do, caged me.

I think you could almost see the strings that bound me.

The word woman, as it pertained to me, was void of anything of value, color, desire, truthfulness, authenticity, empowerment, freedom, love, peace and joy.

I was a very controlled limited surface woman.

No deep diving into the word was necessary.

I was defined by my religion – first and for most.

And, the dysfunctional part, due to abuse, held me tight control.  Others, may lose control completely, but mine was displayed by the lack of freedom to be…Me.

Perhaps the empty word woman, was more filled with the abused affects.

I was a woman, but I didn't control me.

I was, a dutiful daughter, a submissive wife, a friend to everyone – disloyal to me.

Once I fully inhabited the word woman, I became to inhabit other words as well.

Or, I guess, I brought my lady to all aspects of my life.

She was no longer eager to be controlled, or abiding or dutiful. She was free.

And, she used her free will.

She set up boundaries and began to form herself.

The difference between the woman I was, and the woman I have become is like a black and white drawing and one of many colors.  A picture in the lines and one who dares go beyond the behaviors of conformity.

I believe, that if you are a woman of depth and substance, you will bring her to all your other identifying words.  Just as an empty woman brings that.

Nothing of her.

I recall, shortly after breaking free of denial, I looked around my house and knew it wasn't me who had decorated it.  I was nowhere to be seen.

In the beginning it was terrifying to see me nowhere and then equally exhilarating to begin adding me into my life.

I had woke up from denying me.

The empty woman was filling up.

And, I feel that I have come a long way, but each new experience, new boundary I place I am creating and adding to the woman Me.

The fuller I am, the less I worry about how others see me.

There truly is freedom, beyond the good opinion of others.

What they think of me IS THEIR business, not mine.

When you are a codependent woman, others matter. For you are not free. You are entangled in their worlds to get your meaning and to feel complete.

I unplugged everyone a long time ago.

I am solely responsible for my happiness, my love, my joy and Peace.

I dove deeply into my tangled mess of abuse and have create a space within now that is full of what I feel rings true for me.  

My content is full of Me.

Empty now of religion and its droning.

Silent of my dysfunctional family's shame and guilt.

I can see why the spiritual teachers use the analogy of a cocoon and butterfly.

For that truly is how it feels.

From the dark confines of controlled fear into the wide open spaces of being free.

Each choice we make, each step we take, will either empty the word woman out or fill her up. 

I have been ridiculed, shunned and turned away from, as I walked a completely different walk after denial. And, there is nothing I would trade for my journey now.

I am who I am, because of all who turned away.

Each added a new brilliant defining aspect of Me.

My Lady in my Art depicts, strong, free, adventurous, determined, daring, empowered, delightful, serene, peaceful, loving – the word woman- Filled.