I M Perfect lady

"If abandonment is the core wound

the disconnection from mother

the loss of wholeness

then the most potent of medicine 

is the ancient commitment

to never abandon

yourself

to discover wholeness in the whole-mess

to be a loving mother

to your insides

to hold the broken bits 

in warm open awareness

and to illuminate the sore places

with the light

of love."  Jeff Foster.

 

So much is being said in the words above that resonate with me and my journey.

How I was abandoned with my wounds – unattended – and how I had to hold my broken bits with warm open awareness.  Seriously. 

I recall feeling the task was too large. To ask a broken down person to heal thy self if you will – felt insane.

 

To illuminate the sore places is heart wrenching and yet hold them to the light with love. To love the sadness and empty hole where a loving parent should be.

 

Often I hear that abused children lose their innocence – they don't.

They lose the parent who leaves us unattended.

We lose the parent who hurts us.

We don't lose our innocence, we are innocent.

We are abandoned but still innocent.

We can even be broken and innocent.

The ones who lose their innocence IS the perpetrator. They no longer are innocent parents. That is theirs to carry. When they harmed us or left us unattended, they abandoned us.

I am not sure I can articulate the way a parent abandons us as they abuse. For they no longer are our parents. We are left without parents.  A true loving parent will not abuse. A true loving parent walks away from those who abuse their child. 

It seems utterly insane that this even happens.

Yet, so many children, adult children, experience being left alone far too early.

To not have the comfort of knowing someone is there for you.

 

What is so tragic are the many children who are left alone with huge wounds in dysfunctional homes, who have no one that sees them or hears them. That alone feeling can only be healed when we step in and mother ourselves.

We truly can be the mother we never had.

 

I had to learn how to mother.

Learn how to be strong and set boundaries while broken.

 

I had an image of me as a young girl and she lived in me. At 46, I began making choices that would honor her and respect her and her brokenness.  Even broken I was a good mother to me.

 

As the years have passed, I am in awe of what I achieved - maintaining a strong commitment to myself – even when challenged by my family of origin – or more abandoned by them.

Which many of them would argue against.

 

Yet, as a brother or sister – If you stood with the parents – you abandoned me.

The same many would claim that it was I who abandoned my family for I am estranged.

That it is I who walked away.

 

As an estranged child it does appear at first glance that it was I who choose to leave.

Many never consider the reasons I am no longer part of the family.

Or more – see the commitment to my self and what I needed to heal.

All they may see is family – and love it and all its brokenness.

Neglecting the pieces that make up a family – each person.

 

I love the words and the sentiments they hold – for they bring hope and healing and more self -love.

 

Often we want to love only the good parts of us – and seldom is it talked about how we actually need to shine light and loving kindness on the pieces that hurt us.

 

This is one of my greatest achievements – my commitment to myself.