I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Silence is upon them.

    I watched this episode about sexual abuse among the amish. “Keep Quiet and Forgive” on PBS.

    https://player.pbs.org/viralplayer/3105356631/

    And there is a book “Behind the Blue Curtain” – by Lizzy Hershberger – which I plan on reading soon.

    “How Great Thou Art” was being sung….leading into stories of young girls and women breaking the silence of their sexual abuse – the beauty and the horror – is the how I feel about religion. The juxtaposition leaves religion with a very sour taste.

    This is just another cult like sect that uses the fundamentals of their religion to keep victims silent – while protecting the males who are criminals.

    When the leaders speak of forgiving the perpetrators – it is a sex trafficking environment where little girls are unprotected.

    I don’t care how many times you sing “How Great Thou Art and how you see Him – etc. If your religion blesses away sexual crimes against children It is NoT a God connection. Period.

    Folks are quick to tell me I am against religion. I am trying to wreck the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, that the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church- and any other religion who allows the perpetrators to sit in their benches. I am against these ones for sure and I don’t believe they would be sanctioned by God or love or kindness.

    The tragedy is the criminal sexual assault on young girls IS that it happens in the midst of ‘god fearing folks’.

    The hymn plays on – in its beauty and behind the scenes little girls are forever changed by the acts of sexual deviant behaviors.

    It is insulting to even call these religions of God. They are more of the devil.

    I feel so deeply about the exposure of these crimes in religions and I would love to see them all implode –

    The women are leading the charge and some men have joined in to see what can be done.

    Some were saying there needs to be a preventive measure put into place – instead of dealing with it after the fact. Now isn’t that a great idea! I am sure the little girls and boys would love to be in a spot where abuse was forbidden.

    This gives me great hope – of more and more silences breaking. That even in the ultra conservative churches, the women are standing up!

    An alternative to silence is upon them.

    I hope there is a movement of women failing their religions and the rules that were forced upon them.

  • That is Me.

    I listened to a podcast, about exploring the rising trend about going No Contact with your Family.

    I have been No Contact with my family now for over 20 years, which seems almost surreal. A brother was the last contact I lost – about 10 years ago.

    It was good to hear others experiences. And, it affirmed a few things.

    One being how the old way – of respecting your parents – for their role – rather for how the relationship was between you – is over.

    The new way is now about the relationship. How do two people engage with each other. We no longer put the role before the way the relationship feels inside.

    This makes so much more sense – and I feel that both sides would gain so much – if the relationship was healthy.

    We are no longer expected to stay in toxic relationships no matter who they are with. There is a huge amount of freedom knowing you can do the No Contact route.

    Another part was when a hospice nurse spoke about parents who were dying and how they wanted the estranged child to call. The feelings the hospice nurse had was that it was about control – that the parent believed since they were dying the child would acquiesce.

    The nurse felt it was a selfish act.

    This was how I felt and it is good to be affirmed with that choice. She even said that even though the child didn’t want to speak to the dying parent, most wanted to be called upon the death.

    The nurse saying something about how terrible it would be to find out on Facebook. Which is exactly how I did.

    The podcast also showed how there are many reasons for children to have no contact with their parents and siblings. As well as parents who put up boundaries against children.

    Mostly, it is about how we feel inside when we are with our families. How they see us, hear us and understand. Just as in any relationship we have, it is best when they are healthy. When we can be ourself and be loved unconditionally.

    I think this trend of No Contact, will make better parents – ones who are less about the role they play and more about the content of their relationships. It will help them see their child as unique individuals.

    One young girl said how much better her insides feel now that she has no contact – she feels so free and happy in her life.

    That is me.

    You can listen to Oprah’s podcast to hear more.

  • Feel Kind

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 

    In the world today there is much evil that is being shared and reported on. More than what our humanity’s psyche can hold.

    It leaves us feeling impotent and that evil is winning.

    What I believe is that there is a balance of good and evil – and if it isn’t your time to suffer; perhaps it is your time to put good energies out in the world.

    The monks who are peacefully walking are sending out waves of goodness.

    We can send out goodness by what we do each day, how we live and love.

    When the world feels like it is sinking with so much evil – We want to do something to that evil.

    In my experiences so far – is that you can’t change evil – evil does what evil does.

    “A MIND CONVINCED AGAINST ITS WILL, IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL.”

    A person who is okay doing and standing by evil – is under the control of a mind that I feel is insane.

    I am not sure we can engage with evil and win.

    I believe we can be more like the peaceful monks and bring more awareness of that to the world.

    Feel how your body feels as you try and engage with folks who seem blind to humanity – and then feel your body how it feels to be doing what you love.

    I was empowered by setting up boundaries against family who chose to support evil by doing nothing.

    In our smaller circles is where change will happen. In our lives, in our communities and how we engage and interact with others. How we tolerate or don’t – those who do evil – even on small levels.

    How we live in our relationships – what we do and say and act will send vibrations out into the world.

    Let your vibrations be those of love, peace and joy. Let’s flood the world with kindness.

    I steer clear of those who carry out evil acts and those whose minds are unclear.

    Each of us have something we can do each day to make our planet feel kind.

  • Where Love Lives.

    A lifetime ago, I used to go Caroling with my siblings. One year I made us all scarves to wear. The simple joys of the holidays. Being a creative person, each Christmas I would try and make them all something. Pouring my heart through my hands.

    My brother sent a text yesterday. “Happy birthday! Life is short, enjoy each day. ”  Just enough to bring them and the drama to the front. 

    No matter the words I use, they can’t comprehend my journey.  

    I started to respond, but what could I say? What words would make him and them – understand the magnitude of love, peace and joy there is away from them.

    I believe they see me as suffering in the past hurts, holding on to grudges and non-forgiveness. Forsaking this moment with a mind and heart full of anger.

    Why else remind me of the shortness of life and to enjoy it.

    No matter the words I would type or the sentiment I tried to present, he wouldn’t understand how my heart and soul are filled with light. That stepping away from cycles of abuse the brainwashed cult-like religion – set my soul free and my heart to love.

    I miss family – but not the toxic one. That family comes with generational behaviors and patterns that are near impossible to have real relationships with.

    When I look back at our blind innocence and the unconsciousness of our denial – how we dressed up the holidays to be more – to hide the truth that lay beneath.

    What an impossible task to try and make our family whole. No scarves or ornaments – made with love by me – could put a dent into righting the mess.

    Those simple fun memories are now tainted, knowing what we didn’t acknowledge.

    If only they were just joys of caroling, with fun scarves, sharing our Christmas baking. If only there wasn’t ugly truths right beneath the surface.

    A friend sent a photo of her and her 4 sisters caroling – and their mom.  It fills my heart and breaks it. Of the joy of family and the loss of mine.  A wound that will follow me always.  They are there – sometimes loud – most often a faint hum in the background of my wonderful life.

    I know there are many of us out here, who are living, loving and finding peace and joy – away from our families of origin. It is more than okay to feel the ache of loneliness and feeling sorrow when you see family being loving family. And, the holidays can be especially hard to walk in tandem with grief and joy.

    What I know to be true is that the grief just pops up here and there in the sea of goodness I live in.

    My heart can hold joy and sorrow. If Christmas wishes were granted, I would want my siblings to join me here – on the outskirts of toxic family patterns.

    Until then – I hold space where love lives.

  • My Wonderful Life.

    I turn 67 today and it seems I have lived at least two whole lifetimes. I love who I am. I love who I love and who loves me.

    I landed in a good place after following my inner voice. When you step away from generations of patterns, you can’t really know your destination – all you really know is “I won’t repeat this pattern.”

    The new pattern evolved with each choice I made and each No I was brave enough to utter.

    It still amazes me how I was able to walk away from all I had known and believed into the unknown.

    What I do know is that at 67 I am very grateful to be living this lifetime. It has been incredibly insightful to know a life of dysfunction and to witness the process of leaving and then the life afterwards.

    Some may see 67 as being old – yet my spirit is so young and alive. She breathes deeply and is anchored in the present moment.

    I celebrate my journey and being me. I love how far I came, my courage and boldness as well as my childlike awe of magical everyday moments.

    We can’t know how long our lifetime spans – and this second life feels like a bonus life. I feel like I died to who I used to be – and was born into a new life that honors me, my truth and spirit.

    December 4 was the beginning of the passing of the old me. So I may have two birth days.

    What I celebrate today is life, love and peace and joy. These are with me always.

    Happy happy day to me – this is another day in my wonderful life.

  • Where the Heart Lives

    Tonight I am sitting with gratitude and a thankful heart to the home we have been lucky enough to live in for the past 30 years.

    This home welcomed us with our 4 children and a dog.

    We loved, lived and grew old here. We have survived some tough patches – but the majority of my memories here are good ones.

    During the tough patches it was a refuge sitting along the river with wide open fields and plenty of nature to soothe my soul.

    This place holds many memories for our children and grandchildren. Campfires, camping, fishing, and skiing, snowshoeing and kayaking. Endless wonderful things to do, right out the front door.

    How lucky were we to raise our children here.

    Our youngest was one when we moved here – and now he is returning here with his wife – becoming the third generation to call this home.

    And we are moving back to where we began as newly weds. Back to the land our children have memories of as well.

    The place on the river has steps and we couldn’t live on one level – so we felt it was best to be in a place that would welcome our old age. A place where we could live on one level and have less upkeep and less work all around.

    So we will be able to visit here and have new memories here – so it isn’t good-bye – but see you later.

    My heart will always hold this place dear. Love has lived here, and love is moving here and love will go with us to our new home.

    Home is where the heart lives.

  • Signs of Change.

    In the past 21 years I have been waiting for the sexual abuse to start coming to light. For the flood gates to open and for victims to start standing up and speaking out. For victims to rally one another and expose their abusers. (Victims in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.)

    And, even more for those who hear the words of the victims to start hearing them.

    Not only listening but to also start taking action steps needed. To not care more for the religion or the reputation of the abuser and his family.

    But to care more about ending this systemic violence against children.

    It seems at least in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church the darkness is being pierced by voices of victims. Older victims whose Statute of Limitations has passed – as well as those who still can press charges.

    What is so sad is that there are many decades between these girls. Decades of these abusers getting away with it. Decades of preachers knowing and doing nothing; but forgiving.

    I am hopeful the more who stand up, the many who will follow. There is more support today than there was even 21 years ago.

    So called by standers, have to stop standing by – and instead start doing whatever is possible to support the victims.

    To stop supporting the church, the preachers and even going against family if need be.

    As the victims speak out – there also needs others to be willing to listen and sit in the truth and more, be able to take actions.

    I always figured that things would happen in time. Not in my time – but for the truth to erupt when it was time.

    My heart and soul feel that the speaking up and exposing the abusers is contagious- I want it to be uncomfortable for those who do nothing.

    And for those who are willing to go up against the old paradigms to be cheered and supported.

    Twenty-one years ago began the seeds of estrangement. I was unwilling and unable to be with folks who were more comfortable in the darkness.

    I still find it hard to believe that I am the one on the outside looking in – that my family of origin has remained intact.

    While being outside of the family and without a religion, I have found inner peace, love and joy.

    It is my hope that the new victims coming forth are treated more kindly than I was. And that they have the support of many. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be supported by your mother and siblings.

    Twenty-one years later – and somethings are showing signs of change.

    May all victims start to live their lives with artful abandon and be who they were born to be – before the abuse happened.

  • His Daughter to Live hers Well.

    Dates on the calendar can stir up memories – a glimmer of significance to the day. My father would have turned 96 today – he’s been gone now 13 years – but he was gone for me long before that time.

    It is different when you lose someone you were already estranged from – and your memories are tainted by his worst deeds.

    What I don’t have are heart felt memories – or sadness that he’s gone. It is a void where a father should have stood.

    So a date arrives and it is unusual with its significance- a day that used to be – and his life it feels was one that brought pain.

    I don’t follow the news, but there are many who do – and many who feel the angst of all that is going on. I don’t have answers for the multiple things that are wrong – but what I do know is that within my family of origin when all seemed lost – what I focused on was what I could do in my small corner of the world.

    I could gather Love, Peace and Joy.

    I wasn’t changing the devastation my father’s life did.

    I wasn’t changing the lives of those who suffered – I couldn’t.

    But, I could affect change in my small circle. I was able to use my life to live the opposite. I live with intention and keep as much love, peace and joy in my world.

    There are things we have influence over and there are millions that bring stress – and where we can do nothing.

    I believe if each of us sought out more of what we love, what brought joy and held peace, the world would tilt in that direction.

    I knew if I focused on my father’s deeds and the suffering and pain he sowed – I would have shriveled up and died inside.

    When I vowed to not let him define my life – I turned towards a new direction.

    It wasn’t easy at first – it felt awkward to turn away from so much bad – to seek instead the things that warmed my heart. Over time the new habit became my life.

    Even today as so much is upside down and backwards in this country – I still center myself on the choices I can make to bring love and light to my little world.

    It is during the darkest of times, we need more art – in all categories. We can send waves of positive energies out into the world each day by what we spend our days doing.

    Perhaps in honor of a life so wrongly lived – it is a must for his daughter to live hers well.

    Art is a sanctuary for my troubled mind- or when my left brain is stressed. There is joy letting the right side play.

  • New Blog Site

    My old blog host – stopped hosting. So, I had to move my blog – and choose WordPress. Now I have to learn a whole new way of composing a post.

    When Typepad gave me the news that they were done, it felt like someone was tossing out my journals. For so much of my healing, learning, and growing is documented on their site.

    Moving the entire blog to WordPress was an option, so I chose that. Now we are here and I have no idea how to manipulate the site to look like my content.

    I am sure with trial and error and patience, I will find my way around this new publishing site. And, I may learn to love it, and find it has new potential for my blogging.

  • Your Inner Spark

    Last Sunday, while walking with my granddaughter, we met a father with two little girls walking towards us – heading towards the ice cream store at the beach.  One of the girls seen the big cone and asked her dad if they were going for ice cream – to which he quickly replied, "No, remember today we are working on our spirituality."

    The little girls wanting ice cream looked young – near the 5 year old range.

     

    When we got in the car, I asked my 10 year old granddaughter what she thought Spirituality was – she didn't know. 

    I wondered how you taught a young child about spirituality and worked on it.

     

    I told my granddaughter, that often spirituality was about the spirit and did she know what that was or where it was located. She did not.

     

    I told her I felt it wasn't in our mind or bodies – or even heart – but close to it.

    The place inside of us that is our essence that feels love and joy – and is uniquely us.

    Like how each of us have something inside of us that finds joy in different things. 

     

    And she said, "Well I love ice cream and having it would bring me joy." 

     

    As we talked, we talked about different things that make our insides happy – and how it didn't seem that 'working' on our spirituality – would be work.

    And, that skipping what we love or things that brought us joy – seemed the opposite of spiritual work.

     

    I told her I felt little children come into the world with wide open spirits and they naturally gravitate to what their spirits love. And, that it would be more work to steer clear of them.  

     

    I am not suggesting that each time a child wants ice cream they should have it.  But, I was taken aback – that a child would have to work on their spirituality.

     

    I had to look up the definitions of spirituality….

    This seemed to resonate.

    "The word spirituality comes from the Latin “spiritus” which literally means “breath”, signifying Life. The most important thing we have is this gift of Life. It then follows that if we have this amazing gift of Life, then we all have a way that it is being manifested in and through us."

    If spirituality is about breath – signifying life.  Wouldn't spiritual work then be about life, living, and being present with our breath.

    In fact in our conversation, I said that often folks who were spiritual were trying to be present, in this moment of time – I guess with your breath.  And that if you can be with your ice cream, that would be spiritual work.

     

    What I know to be true for me in the past two decades is that I am drawn to things that fill me with love, peace and joy.  That my spiritual work is to be where my feet are – or my breath. 

    To be and breathe in nature and truly be with whomever I am with.

     

    Perhaps when all my old pillars crumbled, what I was left with was my spirit, the self that sat near my heart.   My spirit felt like a young child – innocent and curious and waiting to be seen and heard.

    My spiritual work from that point on was to live as truthfully and as authentic as I could – being honest with my feelings of love and joy – and being brave to step away from things that didn't align with my morals and values.

     

    My spiritual work was learning who I was and then to live from the inside out.

    I recall when my husband and I didn't know who I would be – when my past was so completely changed, that I no longer felt connected to my life – I told him, we could start simple and go and see if she still likes ice cream.

     

    What a beautiful world it would be – if spirituality was to connect to the little child within each of us – that sees delight in the simple things.  Where we go within to find what is true and loving for the child.

    I feel a child comes into the world – with their spirits lit up – and that they don't know how not to follow what brings them joy.  We as adults, we might try and dim that light, but showing them our world, instead of us learning through their eyes.

     

    My life and my views of the world are so different when I see and live through the child's eyes within me.

     

    I have a curious delightful grandson who is only 7 months. He lights up – when he sees me, and his smile is bright.  His spirit is uncovered and pure joy. 

     

    I have two grandchildren who I felt had very strong spirits and wills.  Their parents did a tremendous job in preserving their spirits – while balancing the proper training they required to be human – if that makes sense. 

     

    It is takes a parent who can see the little spirit and what it requires.  They knew when their emotions were bigger than their little bodies and helped them navigate the big world.

     

    Spiritual work – is to honor the spirit within. 

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     "In yoga, "Namaste" is often said at the end of a class as a gesture of respect and acknowledgment of the divine spark within each person. 

     

    The breath of life is to feel your inner spark.