I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • What didn’t happen

    "Therapy is about grief; the grief of what didn't happen." Edith Eger

    I heard this on a podcast yesterday with Brene Brown and Edith.  

     

    When you look at your traumas this way, and how you navigate through them, it makes more sense that we are grieving what didn't happen.

    What didn't happen after.

    What others didn't do.

    What we won't be able to do.

    There are huge volumes of loss that ripple away from the original trauma.

     

    What didn't happen to me is a huge hole of sadness.

     

    When you are in a family, there are many things you take for granted – all things that happen.

    And, if you are in a caring and nurturing family, the things that do happen feel like love.

    When your family is dysfunctional and toxic, you grieve what doesn't happen.

    Even if you weren't aware of it consciously, there was an un-named sadness that was the backdrop of your childhood.

     

    And, even always seeking and wanting more.

    We just didn't know the more we sought, was grieving what didn't happen.

     

    In seeing trauma and childhood wounds in the light of what didn't happen, opens up my understanding of the levels of grief I have been processing. It wasn't just the initial hurt – but all that echoed from there.

    From what my father wasn't and who my mother wasn't and how my siblings didn't act – etc and then into what didn't happen for the past so many years.

    All that I have missed.

    A grief of what didn't happen.

    IMG_0719

     

     

     

     

  • Rethink.

    Here is a link to a podcast I listened to with Adam Grant and his new book "Rethink" with Dax Shepard.

     

     

     

    It is long, but interesting in how we as humanity engage with each other.

    We all need to take a moment to consider just how much we know.

    And, how much we don't know.

    Imagine how much of life there is still to explore and learn about.

    And, can anyone truly know it all.

    Even when they act like they do.

     

    He suggested that those on either ends of the spectrum of extremism know less – not more.  Which is what most of us know intuitively as we watch their lives play out.

     

    Each of us act out our thoughts and even intelligence.

    We are fond of saying "Who in their right mind would do such and such."

    Believing that others see life through the same experiences as we do.

    They don't.

    We are all indoctrinated into life by our parents and what they believe and what their religion is – by where we live, what is the color our skin, male or female, and what social economic system we live in. And, there is more that teaches us subliminally by how others act in our circles.

    There is a lot that was programmed into us without a thought.

    I would love for all of us to be willing to Rethink.

     

    I have been shown over the past many years how wrong I was. 

    How wrong the messages I received growing up were wrong.

    How wrong I saw the world, and others in it.

     

    There is much we can all learn, if we Rethink.

     

    IMG_0745

  • Our History

    One little choice can change your world, who you are, what you stand for, and the path you take.

    One little liberty of refusing to wear a mask – has a snowball affect.

    I wonder how many really looked at the outcome of not wearing a mask. Not the daily view; but the one that led to the Capital building.

     

    If you stand up for your liberties by breaking the rules, in order to keep standing, do you have to keep breaking the rules?

     

    When does it stop?

     

    I am in shock and awe of the First Apostolic Lutheran church members and how many have take this route.

    How being lawless and supporting those who are, is now a good thing. 

    A patriot thing.

    An American thing.

    My head hurts trying to make sense of the senseless 

    I just can't figure out their choice making, or the things they rally for, or against.

     

    Yet, mostly, I am affirmed.

    My experience with some folks within the church(es) has been one of sheer confusion.  And, maybe it was my naive or innocence in who I thought they were, compared to who they really are.

     

    Just as it seems like a no-brainer to wear a mask and help reduce the spread of the virus and help business stay open, they go on the opposite end; assuring longer closures and more spreading.

    They speak of their liberties – like they have full power of their lives, their bodies and minds. When in fact, the mask wearing was the least among all the liberties they had to lose.

    It is to be standing naked and appalled being asked to take off your hat.

     

    It is hard to see where their minds are and what causes them to act the way they act. Hard to understand the choices they make given the options available.  Whether to align with the laws or go against them.

     

    When I first discovered my sexual abuse, I discovered church members knew and did nothing. No thing.

    The very thing you think they would be up in arms about, they sat silently and often worked to keep it quiet.

     

    So, in our minds, we believe that "good" christians will act this way and be on the side of the law.

    When in fact, the opposite is more true.

    Some will dispute this; but we are seeing actions that are showing us who they are.

    As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are; believe them the first time."

     

    I did.

    I am not so in shock of how they are acting; maybe more in shock of the public displays.

    The boldness and arrogance in which they are going against the rules and laws.

    What appears to be anithkical to their religion perhaps is actually the core of who they are.

     

    What is the character of their religion, IF it is okay with rule breaking, or turning a blind eye to the crimes against children?

    A friend suggested that they confuse "leader" with abuser.

    That seems right. That they can't tell the difference from an abuser to a leader Or that their leaders are abusers. So, to them an abusive leader is a leader.

    And, their choice making reflects their confusions.

     

    Again, I am certain there will be many who will dispute this and tell me they know exactly what they are doing and what they are standing for.  That they are being patriotic and stand up for the liberties of all.

     

    There is a sleight of hands in all of this. A place where it switches from standing for liberties and breaking the laws.

    A place where the knifes edge changes the side you are standing on.

    The place where you slip from a law a biding citizens to a law breaker.

    I have to wonder how many folks who break the law ever feel that they are in the wrong.

    How many break laws every day, believing it is their right.

     

    So for the many who feel I am in the wrong; perhaps you and I don't see eye to eye and for that I am grateful for.

    I used to see the world with your mind.

    This may seem very confusing and the ramblings of a mad woman, who is mixing my experience with the church members and how they are acting in a pandemic. I had to write the things that hurt my head.

    What hurt my head, and even my heart are members of a church acting so unkindly.

    I am thankful I am no longer a member.

    I am grateful that I made the choice to mask up, to follow the guidelines and to be on the side of history where I don't have to break laws to keep standing up for my choice.

    And each time the question arises, when we step out in public, we make the same choice OR we can choose again.  

    I also wonder where the other leaders of the church are, the ones who have to be sensing the demise of their reputation as church of morals and values. No one else is speaking up, but allowing the loud group to be their voice. Is it the voice they want to represent them?

    How is that quote. "It isn't the actions of our enemies; but the silence of our friends."

    It feels like many christian organizations or religions who are condoning the no masking, will all lose their morals and values with this pandemic. They will lose being the heart of our communities.  They are instead the ones who are rallying against the agencies who are striving to keep us all safe.

    At the end of the day, we all are going to be seen by how we act.

    You may act as a group, but we all choose alone.

    IMG_0145

    And, our choices become part of our history.

     

  • Lot of Living to Do

    In an exchange with a friend, I shared how there are still many times I have a lump in my throat and/or a feeling in my chest of sorrow.  The sadnesses of our lives don't just disappear; but the sounds of them grew fainter and then again come crashing in loud.

    I just don't believe that life will always feel like love and joy – and peace I feel happens when we can carry all of our emotions with us and accept them as they appear.

    There is a finesse in living with the pains of yesterdays.

    I learned that I could juggle both – and it was best not to hold on to any feeling too tightly; but to keep flowing with what arises.

     

    I process and shed many many tears on my mail route and it still offers me the space to breathe into the lumps and sorrows.

     

    Just as the virus was the background to 2020 – so are our past pains.

    Mixed into the memories and losses are todays sadness and missing – as well as the smiles some thoughts bring. Being open and present we can experience many emotions in one day.

    We are not the emotions we feel.

    We can honor them, acknowledge them, feel them and know this too shall pass.

     

    One of the things that helped me to maintain a balance, was to balance life.

    I allowed myself the minutes to be sad. Really Sad – and even really mad.

    I then gave myself minutes and hours of creative space and active movements.

     

    Even today, I know that who I am as a person is better when I have created, when I have been outside, and even when I take the time to be with me.  Breathing in and sitting with my truths.

     

    I am grateful to feel the wholeness of being human – being fearless in feeling the deepest sorrows and then the brilliant feelings of love and joy.

    Often we do not chose what arrives in our lives; but we do have the option in how we assimilate it into our worlds.

    Again, being creative and resilient offers to us ways in which we can expand and grow into who we are.

    I just wanted to share that a beautiful life holds all expressions.

    No part of me is being rejected.

    I am not ashamed.

    In order to be who I am today, I had to go through all that I went through.

    It is in the difficult times we find out who we are.

    You can't become a badass without struggle.

     

    Even a badass strides with lumps in their throats and sorrow in their chests.

    And, they do it living life in ways that are beautiful.

    Creating a strong inner knowing, it is survivable.

    Thrivable.

     

    And, I am extremely grateful for all the strong badass women who walk with me – while each carry their own lumps and chests full of sorrow.  We not only live – we live lives of adventure and growth. 

    We are badasses inside and out!

    Cheers to last year, and Welcome 2021

    IMG_8486

    We have lots of living to do!  

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • All Used Up

    I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years – or two different things going on at once.

    The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

    I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

    There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

    I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

    Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

    Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

    And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

     

    I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

    Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

    Maybe being less social suits my personality.

     

    There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

    The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

     

    My pictures show a year of love.

    The people I love and spend time with.

    And, the many things I love to do.

     

    I see 2020 as another year of being me.

    Where moments turn into days and then months.

    I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

     

    The few weeks of fear – turned into acceptance and compliance – doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

     

    Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

    Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

    I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

    Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

     

    2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

    There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself – so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

     

    I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

    I see me going grey.

    I see me getting healthier.

    I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

    I see me enjoying more free time.

    I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

    I see me one year closer to retirement.

    I see me living.

     

    Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

    I didn't miss out on very much.

    Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

     

    As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

    For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

    Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

    2020 for me was a good year.

    2021 is looking good too.

    I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

    It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts – for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

    I spent mine well.

    They are all used up.

    IMG_4919

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • All Used Up

    I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years – or two different things going on at once.

    The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

    I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

    There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

    I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

    Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

    Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

    And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

     

    I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

    Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

    Maybe being less social suits my personality.

     

    There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

    The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

     

    My pictures show a year of love.

    The people I love and spend time with.

    And, the many things I love to do.

     

    I see 2020 as another year of being me.

    Where moments turn into days and then months.

    I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

     

    The few weeks of fear – turned into acceptance and compliance – doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

     

    Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

    Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

    I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

    Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

     

    2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

    There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself – so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

     

    I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

    I see me going grey.

    I see me getting healthier.

    I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

    I see me enjoying more free time.

    I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

    I see me one year closer to retirement.

    I see me living.

     

    Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

    I didn't miss out on very much.

    Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

     

    As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

    For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

    Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

    2020 for me was a good year.

    2021 is looking good too.

    I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

    It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts – for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

    I spent mine well.

    They are all used up.

    IMG_4919

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Young as you feel inside.

    Getting older feels odd, and then stagnant.  

    The body is beginning to show its age – okay it has now for quite sometime; but I am seeing more old than just regular me, and yet the inside feels like Me unchanged.

    The body now bruises with big bursts of color and I don't even remember how IT happened.  For it doesn't take much to color my skin.

    My joints hurt less – with the less carbs I eat.

    The lighter I am – the easier it is to navigate the things I do.

    IMG_5695

    I am grateful there are not too many "old people" body issues with me yet.

    I love that I love.

    I love that I am loved and can accept it.

    I love that I can feel love; and sorrow.

    I love that my body can express itself.

    My heart is free to be Me.

    IMG_6890

    I am so very grateful that I have a beautiful circle of women who enjoy being outside and doing fun things.

    IMG_8980

    It almost feels like I am in my second childhood.

    Where there is more time to play and the responsibilities are being reduced each year.

    IMG_9549

    Next year, I can retire.  

    That will plunge me right back to age 4 – no school and no work – just play!

    As the outside of me is showing its age, the inside of me is not.

    I feel the same – but with a wider knowledge – experience has added volume to me.

    Or color and intriguing details – like the finishing touches that make Art pop.

    IMG_1697

    And it seems perfectly aligned that as my responsibilities are reduced, I get to play grandma.

    We seem perfectly matched.  The childlike wonder is in us both. And, perhaps a slowing down and wanting to embrace the little things in life.  I am thinking the best grandmas are the ones whose little girl is eager to play once again!

    Sometimes being a mom felt like I was "playing" mom. That I wasn't really old enough to be one. 

    And, then other times it seemed like I had missed my childhood; for I was a second mother in my childhood home.

    The only down side of getting old – is that there is less time to live.

    Which makes it doubly important that you don't waste time – that you live this day, and this moment.

    IMG_3790

    When I look backwards in my endless amount of photographs, it shows I am doing an excellent job of using my time with things I love.

    I celebrate Me today. 

    Who I am, what I have experienced and more, the bravery I have had to be Me.

    Looking at all my pictures, getting old is so much fun.  Here is to another Year!  Let the Adventures begin!

     

    IMG_9224

    You are as young as you feel inside.

  • Learning about love.

    I am sitting in the same house, in the same room, in the same chair, and body – when my whole view of the world changed.

    The outside world was the same.

    But the way I viewed myself and the world around it was completely upside down and backwards.

    The truth has a way of setting you free – but I heard, it will make you miserable first.

     

    Looking back over the past 16 years, the first few were extremely rough. (Learning about my sexual abuse by my father. I had been in a deep state of denial for 46 years. My body knew; but my head did not acknowledge it – or failed to record abusive behaviors.)

    The first few weeks/months and years I felt a stranger in a familiar land.

    Reconciling the feelings of my body – with the thoughts and beliefs in my head – was to re-learn what it meant to be Me.

     

    I know there are stroke patients or ones who suffer brain trauma and they have to re-learn many facets of life. This is how I felt.  The simple choices, became hard.  I didn't trust my head's judgments or the thoughts that arose. I had to double check them with my body and my feelings and the little girl inside.

    I didn't know what love was.

    I didn't know who I was.

    I didn't know where I came from – what the truth was or what was fiction.

     

    What I did know, is that if I could stay  the course, if I could walk the hard walk, if I could veer off the legacy of abuse and into a new pattern, the history that flowed from me – would change.

     

    Looking back, there doesn't seem to be a choice. Or perhaps I was already half awake when the truth fell in.  But, the character of who I believed me to be, really grew from that day forward.

     

    I used to see my mother as a woman of morals, values and pious.

    Only to learn that my beliefs about her –  didn't match her actions.

     

    What I then had to do, was to make sure that my actions matched who I wanted to be.

    Because 16 years ago – I was my mother.

    I believed that I too was a woman of morals and values. I wasn't too into religion. I had began to back up and out of the church.  But, was wondering how to share this openly.

     

    The transformation to verge away from who I was – into who I dreamed I could become took a long time.

    Morals and Values are not just words.

    They are the actions that can be seen and felt.

     

    What I find so interesting about the church that I was raised in, is that it is all in the head.

    There is a saying from Gandhi 

    Your beliefs become your thoughts,
    Your thoughts become your words,
    Your words become your actions,
    Your actions become your habits,
    Your habits become your values,
    Your values become your destiny.

    I believe this to be true.

    It all begins with what you believe.

    About yourself, others and the world around you.

     

    A simple yet profound belief of who my father was, who my mother was, what the religion actual stood for or more blessed away, changed my thoughts.

    For, once you see – you can't un-see.

     

    While December 4th is a date that changed my life forever, it isn't tragedy or a negative day.

    It is however a day of loss.

    And, gain.

     

    I lost the woman I was.

    I was disconnected from my body and the truth of reality.

    And, that is to not live a full life.

     

    Today, while in the same house, room, chair and body – I am completely different inside.

    My head, heart and soul are together in harmony.

    We can accept tough truths and know what response will honor us all.

    I am deeply grateful for my journey today.

     

    The legacy of abuse only works, if you act as the generation before you.

     

    My heart sings, knowing I walked the walk my little girl would be safe in.

    And, other little girls after her.

     

    While I thought I wasn't able to save my little girl. I actually did.

    I saved her to be open, free and innocent in the present.

    I have no shadows of guilt or regrets.

     

    The life I lived for 46 years was directly a response to the sexual abuse I experienced.

    But, it was only by bringing it into the open, that my little girl felt safe.

    All little girls need someone to see them, and act with love.

     

    I celebrate the 16 years of walking with my little girl and learning about love.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Being Thankful You Can

    It is Thanksgiving, and many of us may be giving up our traditional Thanksgivings, in hopes of lessening the spread of Covid.

    As I thought of so many feeling disheartened by the lack of normality, it came to me that there are many whose Thanksgivings will never be the same – again.

    We are being asked to pause.

    We are not being asked to NEVER.

     

    If we can remember, that for many of us, our loved ones are still here, and there is a potential of another gathering.  We can take a pause and do something non-traditional this year.  We can breathe in that we are being responsible. We are doing this – so to spare another – a Never.

     

    Also, there are many of us out here who have had non-traditional holidays, due to estrangement.

    We have selectively chosen to redefine what holidays mean.

     

    So, on this 2020 Thanksgiving, I hope that we can feel love.

    Even if it is from afar.

    Love with the potential of many future gatherings.

    I feel hope, that when we all gather again, we will feel deep gratitude at the simple things. 

    This is a moment in time.

    A page in a chapter.

     

    Take the time to feel even the simple joys that are present today.

     

    It is easy to fall into what we can't do, and fail to see what we can do.

    Do something today that makes your heart sing.

    Being thankful you can.

    IMG_9052

    Seeing these rocks light up last night – was the perfect start to Thanksgiving.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Church

    Some time ago, I began saying "My Church" when I was out on Sunday mornings in the woods.  

    It was something that I truly felt; but had not really tried to explain or even think deeply about.  I just loved the time I spent, either alone or with other women, doing something we all love, outside in nature. And, if it was on Sunday Morning; it became "My Church".

    IMG_7556

    It wasn't until I sat with the vast difference between nature and religion, that I felt the expansive inclusive acceptance of nature; the opposite of so many religions.

    As you step into nature, nothing is required. There are no rules or sins.

     

    You are fully accepted, just as you are.

     

    I left religion 16 years ago.  

    And, about that time found the calming nature of nature.

     

    My world and life was so upside down and backwards, my heart and soul were crushed, and it felt that my home was too small to handle all the emotions that filled my body.  And, when I stepped outside in the morning, the sun would greet me, the wind and trees and ground felt solid, trustworthy and steady.

    It gave me all of itself and there was nothing I had to do in order to receive it.

    Nature does nothing and is everything. 

    A child doesn't need to be taught about nature.

    They are natural participants with it.

    At one.

     

    IMG_7471

    Often religion works with the mind, to bend it away from its natural leanings.

     

    For instance, the body.

    When you sit and think about how some religions try to rule the body, by making up rules.

    No make-up, no hair dyes, no birth control etc.

     

    I was just talking to a friend about my nude ladies and how I don't see them as sexual in anyway; but women who are at ease in their skin. Who are empowered and free.  Who love themselves with all their flaws and celebrate who they are and how far they have come. The struggles and the pain, to land in peace and acceptance.

     

    I see my ladies and nature as one.  

    Just excited to be who and what they are.

    A tree of a certain type is that.

    A body of a certain type is that.

    Only man, and often religion create a rule that limits that or tries to oppress it.

    Willing its will against the nature of things.

    IMG_8701

    What I know to be true, is that nature is a loving open space that gives.

    Acceptance and oodles of space to just be.

    It asks nothing of you.

     

    Imagine the largeness of it.

    I have said my definition of love is freedom.

    And, that is also my definition of my religion.

    Freedom to be who you were born to be.

    Freedom to express yourself with the body you have.

    Freedom to feel love of your own self.

    To love not only your body, but to love the nature of who you are.

    To love the accumulation of who you have been, to where you now are.

     

    I almost feel that religion is the opposite of nature.

    It is so unaccepting – contained – and limited.

     

    The difference between the two, leaves me breathless.

     

    All I know, is that my life; my heart and body and soul feel complete when I am in nature.

     

    My old religion had me believing in my wretchedness.  My sinful, blah blah blah.

    I 'needed' to be saved, needed to do this and then that. And, couldn't do this or that. Ya da ya da….

     

    Nature is.

    There.

    And you enter.

    Amen.

    IMG_8735
     My Church.