Author: bjukuri

What does your heart want – was a questioned posed on a podcast this week.  I don't think we ask this of ourselves very much.  We typically know what is expected of us, what others are doing, or not doing, but rarely do we just sit inquiring with our hearts.

I have been riding along the route this week pondering this question.

The first and most basic thought is, "I want others to be free to be their authentic self."

My heart truly beats for others to listen to their own truths.

And, to be courageous enough to voice what needs to be said.

I was 46 years old before I heard the longing of my heart. 

It was very young when I heard it breathe.

My heart seemed to know when I would be able to hear it.

When the outside world fell silent with disappointment.

I am not sure if I turned a deaf ear on what I used to focus on, or did I suddenly hear a new voice from a new direction. I am most inclined to believe it was the first.

Our hearts, I believe, want our attention.  

It seemed my heart had to be broken by the outside voices, in order for me to hear it inside of me.

What does my heart want?

Back then, it just wanted me to be with my truth.

Period.

To stand with it and not turn away.

Even when, or especially if its voice was in opposition with others.

By following a very simple and basic – and even historically, old system –  I leaned into my intuition, and followed my feelings. 

I wonder what the difference is between feelings and heart, and even soul?  What is it inside of us that leads us intuitively – to honor the truth of our lives and experiences – and to do what we know in our hearts is right for us.

I used to think I had a conscience, but mostly it was a belief system that was formed around a cult.  Its bells rang when I veered off the rules of the religion. It wasn't an organically created. It wasn't Me.  It was how I was programmed to be.

Becoming me, took time.  I had to sit with choices, explore feelings, write out the different choices and who they would serve, and what the long term consequences would look like.

I heard the line from an audio book, that a man speaks to his great grand children when making a decision, and sits with how it will affect them.

I get this.

I want my choices to stand the test of time.

That the decision will go smoothly into the next generation not placing a debt that will be hard to live with.

I believe, my siblings and I, carry a huge debt from our parents.  Its burden isn't one that is easily lived with; plus what we add to it. 

As I was unwinding the programming, and the affects of being sexually abused by my father, it truly felt like I was trying to turn around generations of poor choices. That so many of my ancestors made the 'easy' choice to go along to get along. To forgive and forget and live as if there were no abuse. 

Which only carried its debt to the next generation – compounding the negative impact.

By stopping and listening to my heart, and living my life differently, I have reduced the weight my children have to carry. I am carrying and owning what happened to me, so it doesn't spill down to the generations below me.

And, hopefully showing a model of being yourself.

Regardless of what it looks like.

When I first heard my young inner self, it was from beneath a pile of stuff other people needed from me.  I had been trying to live a life that others needed me to live.  There was very little in my life where my heart could beat freely.

I now feel the lack of weight upon me.  I am no longer under the influences of the cult and family – those two were very huge.  

Now I am able to live free as Me.

My inner feelings, knowing and being guide me.

No one is using my heart.

What does my heart want?  It wants this for others. Especially those who have come from heavy dysfunctional families to be free.  Free to feel soulfully connected to their own hearts.  

On Facebook a quote caught my eye. "Unpopular fact: There is still grief involved with letting a toxic person go."

So, while my heart was singing with a new connection with me, it was also grieving the loss of family.  It still grieves today.  

My heart has many broken pieces, and yet it loves more deeply because of what it has lost.

On Independence weekend, I want this personal freedom for all.  

May your life reflect who you are inside.

On a podcast, it was suggested that we write about our experiences with Covid 19, so that we can remember how it was for us during this time, and the things that stand out or were a hardship, and even those that improved our lives.   Some are even writing one sentence a day depicting your day.

My experiences are as an 'essential worker' and I have kept on working. Not only working, but working harder than in 'normal' times.  I am overwhelmed at work.  First it was the fear and the unknown of the virus.  Once I got used to watching my hands and wiping down the surface of my jeep and keeping things sanitized – sorta, I relaxed into a new routine.

However, the day upon day of heading out with a cart load of packages got tiring by the end of month one.  We are soon will be entering into our 4 month. 

I have gotten better at sorting the packages and keeping my jeep organized, and even have become accustomed to the large numbers of parcels.  It has become a new different  work day.  

Yet I am tired – and I understand – I order as well.  And, I am as many of you are, concerned about how long this goes on, what the future will look like, and how many of those we know will become sick or worse pass on.  The stress of the unknown is wearing us down mentally.

I am physically tired, mentally tired and then when you see others acting so neglectfully, you become tired in your thoughts. And disheartened in your fellow humans.

While we are all supposedly working to reopen safely, there appears to be a bit too many who have considered this virus not a threat, and masks not useful.  It feels like we are bailing out the boat, and they are splashing about bringing in more.  

I feel we would all feel better if we were in the same boat, and working together.

And, the folks who are being civil disobedient, are from churches who I once thought of as caring individuals. Well, some.  And, some are from ultra-conservative religions who I am not surprised are not following a rule that originated outside of their religion.

Yet, I am still surprised in their uprising for liberties – when they have given up so many rights to be part of the religion.

I wonder if there is a hierarchy of liberties?

They are free to give up the rights of their woman and their bodies.

They are free to give up the rights of who they are friends with, what they drink, to dye their hair, paint their nails, pierce their ears, tattoo their body, to not have sex prior to marriage etc, oh the list is long.  These liberties they have no trouble giving up.  But, tell them to wear a mask and social distance, and it is a revolt!

I am quite sure there can't be a reasonable explanation for the lost liberties it requires to be part of their religion in comparison to wearing a mask.

I don't know how they got so sidetracked in this virus.  An illness that has now become political – and it feels insane.

This part I have no idea how it works itself out, and before it burns out, it will have us on two sides of living during a pandemic.

I feel odd when I encounter the mask-less.  Odd, in knowing they can't be counted on to help the vulnerable, to help the stressed and overworked folks, by working to slow it down.

Instead it feels like they are adding fuel to an already burning fire, while we are trying to spread wet blankets.

We can't know if masks works, if social distancing help, – but doing nothing gets nothing but more sickness.

My emotions are triggered with the divide.  I feel the futile nature of what we are trying to do. I feel that the truth isn't being noticed. And, that many are playing into the hands of the virus.

And, there will be a cost.

Sickness will spread and lives will be lost.  And for what?

So that you can have your limited liberties?

Really?

You may be mask-less, but the lack of the mask is the least of the liberties you have lost.

Imagine the loss of an open mind?

The loss of being an individual.

The loss liberties of being free to be yourself.

And, the loss of caring for the most vulnerable.

Perhaps what adds the most stress is knowing there are those among us, who are self-absorbed, and that behavior adds weight to an already heavy time.

It is hard to even articulate and sort out the different strains a pandemic can have on my life.  

What I am trying to do is my part. To at least not make things worse and to make life livable while we traverse through these times. I do go out and do things outside with friends.  I am living within the guidelines – and maintaining my good life.  Wearing a mask doesn't take away my love, peace and joy.

Mostly the pandemic displayed heroes, and it also displayed fools.

Life often gives us the opportunity to learn about people.

We will remember those who walked with us in ways that didn't weigh us down.

I am happy to be in the company of caring souls.

The estrangement between a parent and child goes against the gravitational pull of nature.  In fact, anytime there is a breech in the contract of family, our systems will feel the pull and push with our emotions.  

I wish there was a simple and general response to estrangement, or what to do when a person feels that they are safer away from family than with it, but it is at the very least, complicated.

Estrangement isn't an easy thing to accomplish.

Nor, do I believe is it something that is taken lightly or made in moments of whim.

It is the last ditch effort to save yourself, a final realization that if you don't separate, your mental well-being will be gravely affected.  Your sanity, harmony, peace, love and joys – need separation in order to survive.

The ones we estrange ourselves from may or may not realize the contents of their toxicity, the levels of their dysfunction, or the cost and toll of being in their lives has on others.

How can you calculate what it feels like for others to be in your world?

And, each of us has a tolerance level.

Perhaps it is a drama or trauma tolerance.

Some of us can withstand leagues of pain and suffering and be okay with turmoil and angst.  Others of us just reached the bottom of the barrel of our tolerance. We have nothing more to give.

Meaning, we no longer have the band width to be in your presence.  Your life infringes upon our sanity in ways that makes us crazy.

Truly.

The set and tone of our worlds are disrupted too much by your life's choices or the lack thereof.  We simply cannot float hope out that things will be different "next time".

It is like the curtain has dropped on reality.  We know who you are as a person, is not who we can be in a relationship with.  As children we don't pick who are parents are.  But, as an adult, we can choose who we want in our lives.

This healthy boundary making is very hard.

It is these same boundaries, we so wish our parent practiced.

Our healthy choices are seen often as punishment towards a parent, or that we are non-forgiving, unloving etc.  Rarely can an estranged parent see the child being responsible and self-loving.  They instead see the estrangement through their eyes only.

Somehow, the parent believes the child can't see them.  Doesn't understand their pain etc. When in fact, the child has lived with the effects of the parent's choices more than any other.

We have lived with the consequences of their 'poor' choices.

Often for years and years prior to leaving.

It may seem like it was one event, one moment in time; but it is actually the accumulation of years and years of hoping and wanting things different.  Of forgiving and forgetting, and moving on, in hope.

Until hope runs out.

The bottom is reached, and there can be no more.

There is no energy left to fly the flag one more time.

We simply are done and done.

I often wonder if my mother has taken inventory of her life's choices and how they impacted her children?  If she really counts the moments of time, SHE and her life choices have gravely impacted the relationships. The chips and cracks she has inflicted upon the parent and child relationship. There is a price tag for each choice, and sometimes the price is estrangement.  You will lose the privilege of being in their lives.

Children grow up.

And, have children of their own.

It is now my choices that will affect my own children.

As a mother, what is the cost of my own choices upon my children?

What I do and how I live reaches into my children's lives.

I either impact them with love or pain. 

At the very least, it is my hope that my life doesn't cause or bring stressful energy.

And, that I am responsible for my own boundaries, my own mental well being, that I am dependent and not needing them to adjust their lives for me.

Love is freedom.

Love is overflowing good energy onto those we love.

Love has boundaries.

Love estranges itself from others to maintain peace, and joy.

I personally question those who don't have boundaries, who claim family is family no matter what.  I believe, that without boundaries, you will settle for anything and anyone. Being able to close down relationships within family, in order to preserve a tranquil and loving environment, creates a safe place for your children to thrive.

Sadly, those of us who have had to estrange ourselves, come from families where we were unsafe.  And, in order to feel safe and honor our feelings, leaving was the only answer. The family and its environment wasn't going to change, so we had to.  We had to change who we allowed into our lives.

When a child feels unsafe in your presence, it is perfect that they become estranged.

Unsafe doesn't mean just physical, but our mental and emotional well being matters too.

A strong healthy person can walk away.  Even on shaky legs and an uncertain future away from family.

Putting up boundaries in an environment where none have been, isn't easy.  And, it will be seen as rebellion and dislike or hate.  When in fact, it is the most loving thing to do.

Loving yourself enough to go.

On this Father's Day, there are children who have left who won't feel like celebrating today.

Celebrate your strength.

Celebrate knowing what real love is.

Perhaps by knowing what love is not.

There is much going on in our world today, it overwhelms the mind, saddens the heart and hurts my soul.  It is hard to find a thread to untangle my thoughts.  Yet, it feels familiar in its circular unending beat.

"Good People" doing evil deeds.

And, the victims are being unseen, unheard and unacknowledged by the lack of change.

The lack of change sets us up for a repeat performance.  

And, this is what beats us into depression, anger, rage and protests.  

There is no end in sight, NOTHING of great significance changes.

When the root cause isn't dealt with, actions will be repeated, it is just a matter of time.

The systems in place work for the outcome they want/need or were created for.  Until you change what the system works for OR whom, it will not change.

When I was learning about my sexual abuse, I expected it to be a shock to others as it was to me. I expected the systems in place to be built in a way that would not allow this.  However, after a few weeks, I quickly learned, that I was in a system that was created and geared toward protecting the perpetrator.

This can sound so surreal to some, but the bottom line is that our society was created for white male dominance.

It isn't until you actually need the system to see you and protect you, do you find this out.

My small interaction with church and state left me feeling unseen and unheard. I was a white girl in a strict religion who was abused. It didn't matter to the systems that be. I wasn't unique and special. I was just another one.  Another one to pretty much ignore. Life goes on.  Unchanged.  I had to find a way to live in that space.

I did. I changed.

And, I lost the innocence of believing in the society's systems doing what is right.

However, I was a product of this same system. Where I was taught to believe I was superior due to the color of my skin, and the church I was raised in believed we were the only ones going to heaven.  The chosen few.  

These beliefs messed with my eyes and brain and the way I saw the world.

Perhaps when the system I was part of didn't protect me, I saw the system with new eyes and those eyes then seen the world in a new way. 

I don't have answers for this horrible time we are in, but maybe we can all unlearn what we have been taught. And, we can change the system by our lack of belief in it.

Also, when no one saw me as valuable, I was able to find my own value. 

I know it is unfair to ask the victims to change the world, but I am pretty sure the ones who are benefiting from the system will not be changing it.  

I was born privileged in white skin.

I was taught of this privilege by how to see OTHERS.

When I think of the systems I was raised in, I was raised to see the white male as dominant and powerful.  

I was taught to fear black or skins of other colors.  Or at the very least see them as less.

I was taught to value me less.  

I believed that a woman didn't own her body. 

I believed that a good girl was nice and didn't live her truth.

I believed in a god who looked and acted like the white males in charge.

When I look at what is happening today, in who is supporting our president, I am appalled and affirmed.

Strict religious families are supporting a white male who they will not look at.

Not at his many faults.

For this is how they have been taught.

Those faults can and will be washed away with the forgiveness of sins.

I am just seeing today on a real broad scale what I experienced.

The faultless white male who is dancing with evil in a system that protects him – always.

And, the system in place is the blind followers – who have been taught since childhood to see the world through eyes of the system.

I am rambling and sounding like a crazy woman, but what I know to be true, is that the system in place is being seen finally for the insanity that it is.

When a white man can kill a black man in public and no one can stop him the system was on full in real life display!  IF you can't see it as being wrong, YOU are part of the problem.

You are in the system and it is working for you.

I only know, that if and when I have the opportunity to stand  between a person of color and the police I hope I can.  

I understand their frustrations, rage and anger. I get it.  What they want most is for the rest of us to see what they are experiencing. SEE IT and work to change the systems.

As Trevor Noah said, we all signed a contract as americans.  We signed a contract as humanity, and when one part isn't holding up the contract, we need to be outraged.  We are only as strong as the weakest link.

The cop who murder a black man in broad daylight as others watched unable to stop him, IS the system we all created.  

Until the world stops and a new system is put into place, this will continue to happen.

We each need to look around the systems we believe in.

Who do they support and why?

What equanimity do they give to all members?

Who is more valuable and how do you know?

Who has freedoms and who does not?

There are more questions than answers.

We each have to question our own systems in order to see where we are part of the problem or where we are wrestling to change old systems.

In our circle of influence, let us be the change we want to see in the world.

We each have a role to end this violence, most often it is just a belief we hold, that we never questioned.

All it takes is one lady biking, and a woman with balloons joins in to make a parade.  Add a bird on the back, and it takes on a new tone.

Sylvi said, "I think the bird needs to be playing a flute."

Today, I came back to the parade and added a few more things.

When the clown joined, it started to feel more like a real parade. I love creating her.  I have to do more silly ladies!

With all the small loose pieces, I feel anxious until it is all sewn in place.

After showing this to a friend  - She said looks like the clown wants to be holding something  - maybe a flag???  Like an Earth Day flag?  

And, so here is what I finished up with.

It's a busy quilt in these quiet times. I am not sure if this represents what my mind is doing    - a parade of emotions, ideas, thoughts and feelings.

Tomorrow I will add the binding.  Maybe something to calm it all down. 

Doing art is a neat process and sharing with friends and adding pieces to help move the story forward, or to balance things out.

There is lots going on for this one small piece, but there is lots going on for each of us.

Let's give ourselves credit for doing the best we can as we traverse through these new times.

One day the parades again will happen.

We will gather and be close.

And, we can be a crazy bunch enjoying life.

I love this parade!