I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Revolting against It

    We see the world through our beliefs, our fears and often our guilt, and even our wishes.  

    It is hard to get a clear view of reality.  

    A reality that is stripped of everything but actions.

     

    Reality is often divided into those who see, and those who are blind.

    Or more, those who believe and then the nonbelievers.

     

    In my experience, it is near impossible to change someone else's mind.

    Or, to clear their vision.

     

    The believers believe in that which they have been programmed to believe.

    Actions will not sway them, facts will not be allowed to enter into their already made up minds. 

     

    Reality doesn't care what you believe or what programs you have running in your head.

    Reality is.

    And, wins only but 100% of the time.

     

    There is no point in fighting, fearing and arguing with it.  The sooner you can come to peace with reality, the more conscious your choices will be.

     

    As a wise woman said, "In the moment of a crisis, you are only given a few choices."

     

    In the case of this pandemic, we only have a few choices. We are either part of the slow down or part of the problem.

     

    What has been so interesting to me, is that the folks who belong to a very strict religion, a religion who has been telling them what to believe and directing their lives since childhood, are now up in arms about the government "TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO!

    I am perplexed by their response.

    And, then not.

     

    The religion dogma or conditioning is a sleight-of-hands, in which they have been brainwashed; but feel they have free will.

    This is very hard to understand or for me to articulate.

    Brainwashed controlled folks, acting like they are free, and that the government is trying to control them. They don't want to have their rights taken away, when they have already given them up to the church.

    What free liberties do they truly have?

    The women do not have rights to their own bodies.

    The things they are not allowed to do – sins – control them in ways they cannot see – BUT they feel they are free.  Freely choosing to not do this or that.

     

    It blows my mind, and not. That the most controlled folks are now up in arms about the government telling us to stay home for the health of others.  

    They are more concerned about their rights and being controlled, then infecting others by their actions; or non actions.

     

    Their fear of losing their power, which is already gone, is what is causing them to act irrationally.

     

    Perhaps it is their subconsciousness making them revolt. They can't afford to lose whatever small freedoms they have left.

     

    It isn't the Covid 19 that has them in fear.  It is the way the government is choosing to slow down its spread. They are unwilling to lose their freedom to save the life of someone they don't know.  

    And, I am sure some are afraid of the loss of their jobs, money and what it will do to them financially. But, what I hear most is the conspiracy and how the quarantine is infringing upon their rights.

     

    Mostly, it is complicated. We are all coming from different walks of life, being asked to do the same thing.  

    Being one that still has to work, my circumstances feel different.  We try to follow the rules while being out and about.  

    I respect the virus, and I fear those who are revolting against it.

     

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  • You are Present

    On Tim Ferris's podcast last week, there was talk about a Dead Time or Alive Time. This was pertaining to how we will spend our time during the Covid 19 virus.  

     

    I see it as something that would be good for all time.

    It is good to even understand that there is dead time, and then time that is alive.

    And, can you tell the difference between time that is dead and then time that is alive.

     

    Is it the time that is alive or dead, OR is it our souls our spirits the essence of who we are feeling alive or feeling dead?

     

    During this virus crisis, I am not one who is at home, so my time is pretty much the same.  

    I don't feel like time is dead or at a standstill.

    If that were even possible to stop time.

     

    I am wondering if time isn't dead; but we are dead to ourselves. To the part of us that makes us unique.  

    There are moments when you feel more alive than dead.  Times when the inner most part of you feels alive – present and curious.

    And then other times where that part of you is silent stifled and feels dead.

     

    We join time.

    Our being and time dance through the days.

     

    I used to feel used by time.

    That it somehow had its way with me.

     

    What I didn't realize, was that I wasn't free to be me.

     

    The freedom to be myself has given me Alive Days.

    I am alive.

     

    It maybe hard to articulate the dead days of following the rules and people pleasing of others.  How there were not very many instances where I sprung alive.

    Now, it is the opposite.

     

    Even when time is carved out for work. I can decide how I will engage in those hours. Will I numb myself in order to not see the time pass, OR will I be awake to see what pops up in front of me?

     

    I hope that most everyone is finding themselves Alive.

    For, we are in the midst of virus crisis, one where folks are dying.

    If it isn't you at this time- feel what it feels like to be alive.

     

    In the first few weeks of this Virus, I was in fear of it.

    Or perhaps in fear of dying – that I stopped living.

     

    I then decided quite matter of factly, that IF I was going to die from this virus, I best start living.  I want my last days to be alive days.  I want to be aware of what being alive feels like.

     

    I didn't want my alive time to be full of worry, dread, and being dead inside with fear.

    I will instead take the time to live.

     

    I love that my life is full of alive times already.

     

    Maybe Alive Days are days we feel alive inside and have nothing to do with time.

    So, as this new virus integrates itself into our worlds, how will it find you?

     

    I don't want have dead days before I die.

     

    Maybe this virus is here to show us how to be alive.

    What is important and how we join up with our time that we have today?

    When we look back on this time, will we find that we Lived through it or did we hold our breath?  

     

    The virus has us paying closer attention to many things.  It can be a great teacher if we let it.

     

    For me, time and life feels more precious.  

    I want to be alive through these days.  

    And, I hope I appreciate the human interactions of touch and closeness so much more; now that it has been taken away.

     

    I want to feel the aliveness of human connection.

    Kisses of baby and their chubby parts.

    Hugs of friends.

    Touches of kindness.

    A hand placed in understanding.

    Gathering

    Gathering

    Togetherness.

     

    The pause is here to allow us to catch our breath in order to live with more alive days!

    Alive days now

    During the threat of the virus.

    And, 

    After.

    Live as if you might die; for we all are heading that way.

    Time isn't dead or alive.

    We are.

     

    Live for the moments when time disappears and you are present.

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  • Be Well, Be Covered, and Have Fun!

    After finding some elastic last week, I have made a few masks.  Some I gave away to Essential workers and friends.  

    I kept one for me, it was one of the first and it had design/sewing issues.  I am not good at following patterns.  Their mind and my mind - just don't see things the same way.

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    I found that when my masks were completed one side was longer than the other. I stopped pinning – figuring I could do this without all the fuss.  I guess there is a reason seamstresses pin!

     

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    I had troubles with the sides, where you are supposed to put on this cuff or hem thing.  I had to improvise a way that made sense to me.

    In the end, I was able to accomplish masks, that are serviceable and sorta worthy of wear.

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    With a little bit of seam ripping and adjusting, the masks were done.  

     

    Yesterday was my first time wearing a mask.  In the mail jeep, I am not in crowds of people, and most who I do see, keep their distance.  

    So, as the time came to make the decision to wear a mask or not into the grocery store, my sense was to just do it.

    I felt silly in the jeep with it on.

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    But, I stepped out and went into the Keweenaw Co-op, where I felt not silly at all.  99% of the folks had them on AND gloves we were issued as we entered.  As I walked around, I felt responsible, like I was doing what was suggested; when in crowds.

    Oh, and I kept my prescription sunglasses on the whole while. I wasn't about to fiddle with taking them off and on.  

    So, I looked like a fancy robber.  A friend said, "Too bad the banks are not open now!"

     

    Off to Econo Foods.  The percentages were the opposite. Very few had masks.  Most were just walking around uncovered.  

    I didn't feel weird or silly even then.  I still felt like I was doing my part in this pandemic.

    We are not used to wearing these, and it does feel weird to be covering your face, but it may become something we will find much more commonplace in the days/weeks to come.

    And, the more of us who wear them, the more others may be inclined to join us.

    There can be much fun to be had with these.  Here is what a creative friend did with hers!

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    Let's add a little fun to this time in our lives!  It is serious, but we don't have to take ourselves so serious!

    Be well, be covered and have fun!

  • Elizabeth Gilbert – Ted Interview

    I listened to a podcast yesterday with Elizabeth Gilbert and Chris Anderson and I think many will find this helpful.

     

     

    I love her calmness, her acceptance and her stories.

    "The sense that you had the control is a myth."

    "Surrender is so relaxing."

    Those two sentences are exactly what brought me peace.  I am NOT in control and it brings me peace.  I am only in control of my two hands.

    The anxiety is believing we are in control, and if you surrender, it will truly bring you into a space where life is beautiful in the midst of this all.  

    To narrow life down to this moment.

    Right here.

    Right now.

    Today or this minute.

     

     

    And, she's right in that we are very good adaptation.  It is amazing how we find new ways to live.  

     

    Her point of thinking of this social distancing as a retreat, I love.

    I am not in the space of being home for days on end, and it is leaving me feeling like I am missing the retreat.

    I am missing the days of solitude.

    The days of being idle.

    Of feeling the quiet stillness of being in the world – separated and in the space of being with yourself.  

    May all who are home alone, find things that calm you down and fill your days of creative ways to be with yourself.  

     

    I am in a different space, for I have two places to be; either at work or at home.  It has simplified my world – and leaves me in the space of doing more of what I love.

     

    I hope watching this video helps.

    Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert

     

     

     

     

     

  • I am Full

    While continuing to play in my basement, I listened to a podcast with Michael Gervais. His podcast is "Finding Mastery" – I can't find the one where I heard this – "Fear is the natural response to the Unknown." 

    They went on to talk about breaking down our fear, in how we can take it down to day at a time, an hour at a time, or focus on right here right now.

    He also mentioned, that fear that goes on long term – turns into anxiety.

     

    This is critical for so many who are in fear of the outcome of our lives with the Covid 19 looming among us.  We have to break the cycle of fear.  Interrupt our thoughts, by doing something that will put fear in the backseat.

     

    Which answers the question of whether it is a good thing for me to do Sunday Art.

     

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    These ladies were created by a wonderful artist seamstress. She was going to toss them out, and I saved them a few years ago.  In the past few days, I thought about putting clothes on them.

    So, today I tried.

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    Working with 3D art is way not in my wheel house.  I was stressed immediately.  

    My conclusion is to not try new

    things that make you anxious during this time.

    I think, if I didn't try real hard, but perhaps sewed them right on, in a weird not clothing creating way, I may like it.  

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    I tossed some yarn on her head and that was that.  I do like the clothes, and I can see how a personality could rise – depending upon what I could create.  They can afford to wait a few more months until I have a calmer sense of being.

    So, I then went back to the Flat Art. 

    On the route last week,

    I thought about making my own Large Flower Background, and so I tried.

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    I will now have a canvas to start next week's Sunday Art. And, I finished off my Art time feeling less stressed.

    The art in its unfinished stages are seeds for next week.

    I have heard it is best to leave things not quite finished, so that you have an easy place to hop onto when you re-enter your art space.

    Sitting here feeling like I had a good Sunday of Art!

    I am full.

  • Sunday Art is My Fuel

    Continuing to do Sunday Art feels like a luxury that is a staple.  

    A frivolous routine that I use to refuel myself, and escape the reality of Covid 19.

     

    The heaviness of doing something practical overwhelmed me immediately.

     

    Lightness and joy filled me as I decided, Sundays were still for being an artist!  Engaging with this part of me offsets the rest of the week.  My week would be way too heavy without it.  And, if that bright spot is always open for me to enter, I feel normal, safe and that life is okay.

     

    That being said, I went down to make large flowers, since all my panels which were few are gone.  

    I stumbled upon a fabric with delightful flowers.  I was so happy to quilt them!

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    I never know where my art will take me, what will appear and how.

    I then, looked at this as an Art mural and sidewalk.

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    Once the drawing is down, I then will select fabric that seems to want to be part of this landscape.

    It is fun to see what will appear, work and grow together.  

     

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    And, then how what makes it come alive.

    The words and bird and hearts help!

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    What I thought of as I sewed, was how we are all being asked to make the best out of difficult situation.  

    We are having to keep a tight small circle; and some are down to a circle of one.  

    Alone; but surrounded by nature, words, art and those who are our rocks of support.

     

    I know when my life was at its darkest, the two huge therapies for me was outdoors and art.  Often the people of my life seemed to complicate an already dark place.  Yet, they were crucial to my wellness. 

    Perhaps maybe nature and art – was the fuel I needed to survive what I thought then was the unsurvivable.  And, there were many who cheered me on; but couldn't truly understand where I was.  

    In this, many are experiencing our path.  We are not alone; even when we are alone.

    We have many who are in the same boats. 

     

    Maybe we can share with each other the things that help us through difficult times. The tools that we seem to be drawn to.  

    Even when life was 'normal' for me, Sunday Art was critical to my overall wellness. I need a place that is my own, where I can slip into a space where time and reality disappears.

    Sunday art is my fuel.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Before it was discovered.

    I listened to a podcast yesterday, that calmed me down, and had me thinking of this virus in new ways.  I will continue to use Hand Sanitizer and Clorox wipes and will still be social distancing, etc.  This isn't about lessing what I am doing; but it eased my mind in an odd way.

    Here is the podcast that I listened with Sanjay Gupta and Dax Shepard.

    https://armchairexpert.simplecast.com/episodes/sanjay-gupta-on-covid-19

     

    When I heard them discussing the possibility of there being folks who had the virus, prior to knowing there was a virus, I felt it was me.

    I had a weird cold, as far as colds go, in the beginning of March.  It was unlike any cold I had ever had.    

    My symptoms were a very dry throat, like way down the windpipe dry – can't swallow dry, coughing, wheezing with a tight chest, and I could not taste and I was very fatigued. I chalked it up to having to work while sick.  I pushed through tiredly.

     

    So, here is the deal, just because we were unaware of it, does it mean it wasn't here?

    If we had symptoms, but didn't have a name, could it have been the virus – prior to it being discovered?

    How can we know, or does it matter if we know or not.  Does the virus care if we know? Or does the virus silently move about as viruses do?

     

    What I am more at peace with, is feeling that I now have context for it.  The fear has lessened, due to knowledge.  And, if I am right – experience.

     

    I am also hopeful that the folks I know who also felt they had symptoms, but no name, that we are not the only ones. That there are more of us out there, who have had it, but didn't know.

    The groups of us, will do what they talked about on the podcast, we can be the Herd. The ones to flatten and drop the numbers; because we can't be re-infected so soon.  Or, so it appears.

     

    They don't know the history of this virus, we all are writing it right now.

     

    I hope this will bring hope and more calm and peace as it brought me. 

    I think we need to talk about the virus before it had a name.  

    Oh, and the elderly or those whose health was compromised, who may have died with what we thought was just pneumonia – could have been from the virus.  We can't know how long this virus has been around.  We didn't start testing and still don't test everyone.

    We may be further along in this process that we thought.  

     

    And, I will repeat, that I will not change the way I am being. I will still wipe with Clorox, and use my hand sanitizer.  I will still act like I am infected.  Even while I believe, sadly it was a few weeks back.  I was asymptomatic but contagious and did not know it.  

    I can't even know how I was infected, or the chain that brought it to me….or the chain that I began and where it went.

    I was spreading a virus, before I even knew it existed.

    Which is why if more stay home, the chains will be broken, before they even start.

     

    Perhaps our fear will be lessened by the more we know.  

    The more we talk about the possibilities of our "odd colds" whose symptoms matches those of this virus.

    It is a respiratory attacking virus.

    Different than the normal cold.

     

    I wanted to share this, and then part of me wonders if I will be criticized for doing so. For it is speculation on my part. Even if, I feel I am right, I can't prove it.

    I feel more knowledge is best, more discussions, more curiosity and wonder, will lead to more awareness and hopefully understanding, why we all need to curtail our interactions with others.

    I didn't want to keep this to myself and my family.  I want this to be part of the virus discussion – where was the virus before it was discovered?

     

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  • Lesson from the Virus.

    My feelings over the past few weeks have run the gamut; and sometimes all in one day or even in an hour.

    Mostly my anxiety has markers of PTSD and my struggle in wanting to control others. These feelings feel like time travelers of walking through my abuse.  Trying to get others to see/feel/understand the severity of doing nothing; and its cost.

    And, me failing.

    Then, letting go of it all – them all.

    It is not in my hands to steer this pandemic.

    This is a great relief.

    In my control is to put space between me and those who make me anxious.

     

    Just as in any human crisis, there are many components, and each of us can only be responsible what is in our sphere of influence.

     

    My world, as with most of us, got really small.  There is a peace in that too.  The outside world seems to have darkened or, has gone out of focus. 

    The future is way fuzzy.

    There is way too much that is unknown.

    And, while we believe that we are in a different place, it is really like any other time in life.

    We only think we know what the future holds.

    We don't.

    Perhaps this virus will allow all of us to get comfortable with uncertainty.

    To sit with the unknown, and be way okay.

     

    Just as I let go of other's and their behavior, I also let go of who will be affected by this Virus and who will not.   It really isn't up to me.  

     

    This still means I will do my level best to distance myself from others. To wash, wipe and repeat.  Many times a day. To be aware of what my hands touch.

    However, I also am even more aware of the energy in my home.

    I don't want panic to dominate.

    I do not want these weeks to pass as if we are all holding our breaths.

    Instead, I want this time to be looked upon fondly, as we had time to….

    Relax more.

    Play longer.

    Do more art.

    Enjoy nature.

    It is up to each of us, to feel the breath of our worlds.

     

    Tonight my granddaughter and I spent an hour outside. We saw geese and swans flying overhead and ducks and geese in the water. And, we heard their honks and wings flapping. We felt the mud/dirt beneath our feet, felt the wind and sun on our faces. We breathed in beautiful fresh air.  

    We talked and planned for her mom's birthday. We will create a simple celebration.

     

    The Virus is serious and it is in our present; but we can also keep new routines to make this time pass as normally as possible.  And, to not waste what we have now.  The future isn't promised to any of us.  Let us live, truly live right now.

    There is still much freedom to be had each day.

     

    It is also amazing how quickly I have not thought about going further than work.  How accustomed I have already become in the small routine of this new normal.

    I believe the sooner we do this, the quicker it will pass. 

    If we put off living, until – the virus will take from us; prior to actually taking from us.

     

    Part of my PTSD or being traumatized and recovering, is not tolerating anxiety and stress and the idea and thoughts that twist my mind about wanting others to behave differently.

    I learn, even if it takes me a few weeks, to let go.

    To circle back to my own life in a self loving way.

     

    Leaving others free to live their lives.

    There is a difference inside of me – I feel peace letting the Universe flow and me not trying to bend it into submission in my mind.

     

    The old phrase, "Live like you are dying" came to mind.

    I will enjoy many beautiful moments that I can – even in the middle of a crisis – or perhaps especially in the middle of one.

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    Which is what I want to take as my lesson from the Virus.

     

  • Words of Our Friends!

    This has been a weird week for me.  I am trying to assimilate into a new normal, as we all are.  

    I am trying to be comfortable outside of my home delivering mail, and yet feel I am walking among virus germs – and being careless.  

    My goal is to not bring the virus home, and it seems like an impossible task.

    My hands are busy all day long.

    Touching, touching and touching. 

     

    My fingerprints are never wiped clean – for long.  

    Usually, after the first half an hour or so on the route I relax.  I would go crazy otherwise.

    I settle into a story with Audible.

     

    I can't imagine the health care workers or anyone in close contact with the public. It has to be even more precarious and nerve-wracking.   

    There is the pull between doing your job and being responsible and then being irresponsible for doing your job.

     

    And, the services that many are providing need to be done by humans.  And, if not I, than who?  Who would I want to put in harms way?  

     

    I want us all to make it through without tragedy. I want us all to do our best to keep others safe.  And, I want to try and understand those who travel; but it is harder for me to.  All I see are virus germs coming to our community – and more germs to try and avoid.  

     

    The less that are out there moving about, the easier we make for those who have to be outside of their homes.

     

    It seems surreal, and then very real.

    I feel the normal we all were used to, will be no more. We can never go back to before. We will all be changed in ways that we can't know today.  We don't know who will be with us when it is safe to once again be free to move and gather.

    We didn't realize how nice we had it, moving freely without risk.

    It is true, you don't know what you have, until it is gone.

     

    I guess I want others to know, that those of us who have to be out, really really appreciate those who stay home.  Those who limit their outings to just emergency ones.  It really reduces our chances of bringing home the virus.

    I can't see my future; for there is way too much unknown, and lots to get through before we are there.  

    Plans are put on shelves.

    We have no timeline that is concrete enough to plan on.

    We are fluid.

    Present

    And grateful for what we have today.

    Or, our health today and those we love.

     

    What I think, when my mind slips off to the worst case scenario is, I want this day to be full. No point in bring a disaster before the disaster (if it is to come).  

    I need to be cautious.

    I need to be aware.

    Not only of the virus, but of things being okay today.

    We have today.

    The doom of the virus looms around our lives, and we have to concentrate and practice finding a pleasant normal, in this new normal.

    Find a routine and relax our hold on what used to be.  It is gone for now. We can find new ways of living with reduced movement.

    A friends blog suggested keeping in touch in other ways.

    https://dawnkinster.com/2020/03/19/the-written-word/?fbclid=IwAR1vwtxCCsRW_JQ63U-XClmyJVzlug3bewzfl-8B-Fa7D5N3Xe3Ub7Oej5U

    Sending cards and letters would be awesome.  

    If I have to be out there, I would love to be the carrier of your cards!

    Let us help each other through this in the safest most healthy way possible. 

     

    Stay home and let the art of letter writing make a comeback.

    Then our mailboxes will hold the words of our friends!

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  • Solved a Problem

    It was so weird to see empty shelves in the grocery store and fairly crowded isles.  

    People stockpiling their cupboards for the unknown that is to come.

    And, I will admit, I too added a few extra items, to fatten up our shelves. But mostly it was my weekly shopping trip.  

     

    The over shopping was fueled by the run on toilet paper.  

     

    We are all envisioning the empty shelves increasing, and it seems there are other items that are going the way of toilet paper.

     

    I have not experienced this panic before.

    Part of me wants to prepare,

    and the other part wants to be the calm in the storm.

    To be reasonable with the unknown.

     

    We haven't lived through a pandemic, or even extreme shortages, and we haven't been asked to survive with minimal resources.

     

    I have been listening to many different podcasts on the topic of the virus, and what we can expect and/or do.

     

    The one I loved today was with Tim Ferris and Jack Kornfield "How to Find Peace Admist  COVID 19".

     

    So, we are being asked to be less social, to spend more time alone and at home.  There are many things we can do during this time that will impact our lives in a positive way.

     

    We can see it as being on retreat.  On doing things at a slower more relaxed pace.  Using this time as spare time.  Time to do things we typically have no time to do.  

    We can meditate, write, do art, and enjoy time with ourselves and those we live with.  Taking a break from social commitments and life that often flows at speeds that make us breathless.  Use this as a relaxing resting time. We now have a real reason to be alone.

     

    This may also be the time to practice letting go of control and focusing on the present moment and what we have, and how we are today.  

    Acknowledging the fear; but not giving it too much attention. 

    Rather focus on what this extra time and space is offering us.

     

    What I mostly do not want to do is be part of the panic and rush, that is emptying out the shelves to hoard items at random.

     

    This is asking each of us, do you want to be part of the panic or the calm in the storm?

    What can we do that is reasonable, and even helpful.  Who can we help and how?

    I would rather find alternative ways to replace toilet paper, than be that person who has cases – in case.

     

    We need to think outside of the box, to explore and expand the way we see things. 
    Most of us could live for weeks on what we have in our cupboards, me included. But, we may have to get inventive on what we eat and how much.

     

    I am one of the few, who would love to be told to stay home for a few weeks.  There are projects upon projects I could work on and quilts and art and things I could explore.

    We seem to panic when others panic, instead of going against the grain. 

    Let's all try and tackle this virus with calm and reason.  And, to know there are many different ways in which we can move through this challenge.  We can either be part of the problem or part of the solution.

    We can restrain the impulse to join the panic and lean towards reasonable.

     

    This whole toilet paper deal feels like a visual example of what a panic thought does. It focuses on the wrong thing, and acts in ways that don't make sense, to the reality of what is truly going on.

    The one panic thought, leads to another and it follows folks who are acting unreasonable.

    Having an excess of toilet paper will not protect you from the virus.

     

    Mostly, what we need to focus on, is what will protect us from panic.

    Being in the present and maybe even believing we will be okay; that we will know what to do when the time comes.  Trying to guess or know what is unknowable, is where the anxiety lies.

    Instead believe in you and your ability to adapt to what it will require of you.

    Calm is knowing you will be okay, no matter what.  

    Panic has never solved a problem.

     

    (I had to look up panic "sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior." Hence the run on toilet paper.)

     

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