I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Originality is the New Norm.

    As I thought about compassionate or empathetic picketers, I wondered what their signs would say, and if I were to join, what message would my sign display.

    I think my sign would be for those who were abused as children, for those who grew to be mental due to the nature of being hurt by those they loved.

    My sign would encourage them speak their truth and walk strong, knowing that you get stronger with each voiced memory and feeling, airing out the long held secrets.

    I would dispel the belief that there is a normal, a perfect way to be, and instead show them my imperfect me.

    I could begin a group of I M Perfect people.

    People who have walked in the darkness, been lost in mental confusion, denial and pain, who are tired of trying to be something they can never be.

    Normal. 

    Trying to be normal is trying to be not you.

    Normal.

    What is Normal?  

    Who is the measure and rule of normal? 

    I have yet to meet one normal person. 

    I think it is a myth.

    Maybe my sign would say, “There is No Normal” or “This is My Normal.”

    I will picket normal. 

    If we get rid of normal, we can get rid of all the prejudices against abnormal people.

    By taking normal out of the picture, we all become abnormal.

    Well, I had to look up ‘Normal’.

    1.                   usual: conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom

    2.                   healthy: physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy

    3.                   occurring naturally: maintained or occurring in a natural state.

    What is the usual standard anymore?  Is there truly one?

    I have to look up ‘abnormal’.

    Not normal; not typical or usual or regular or conforming to a norm.

    What we call abnormal is not conforming to a norm?

    But what if we can’t conform to norm, because we didn’t have a norm to conform to?  Then what?

    Are we abnormal?

    I would hasten to bet that there are more abnormal folks than normal. 

    Did you know that 20% of the homes have a mom and dad?  Yet we still call that ‘typical’ even when 80% of homes are not that.

    I bet reality has changed, but we forgot to change the norms. 

    There are no Norms in reality only originality.

    Originality is the new Norm.

  • A Party of Like Minds

    As a Mail Lady during a political season we deliver lots of campaign messages or ideas from individuals trying to win your vote, and as I see it, they are all negative. 

    They don’t tell you what they themselves are doing, but what the other person does or will do, negatively. 

    It seems like hate mail of the other candidate and they are trying to gather a team of haters. 

    A few weeks back I also saw picketers in front of two churches on a beautiful fall afternoon, seemingly nice friendly peaceful folk, holding up hateful signs.

    What juxtaposition between the hateful signs, the church, a splendid fall day. 

    Will a hateful sign really make you change your mind? 

    How is holding up a sign at what we are supposedly doing wrong helping anyone, isn’t that actively sitting in judgment?

     Looking outward at what we are doing wrong, instead of sitting in quiet repose of self. 

    You can literally feel the negative energy that flows off the paper and into your awareness. 

    The only thing you will gather with those signs and political ads are more of the like-minded folk, like a magnet sweeping humanity to find negative energy. 

    If this is true, imagine what would happen with compassionate signs.

    It is interesting what we are drawn to whether it be negative energy or positive, healing or hurtful, abusive or loving, even without signs we seem to find our own party.

    A party of like minds.

     

     

  • Working Self

    My Mail Jeep came to me with a broken starter, it could be a faulty wire, or just a bad starter, either way, each time I turn the key I am surprised. 

    It keeps me living on the edge, on the pinhead of unknown. 

    Getting upset really isn’t constructive for it literally can’t help but act the way it acts according to what is wrong with it. 

    I can relate to the jeep and find correlations in wanting something to be unbroken that is broken. 

    Inside of me are faulty wires, connections that lead to nowhere or wires long forgotten and for me to expect myself to act and respond normally is crazy.

     Malfunctioning is normal for me.

    Just as not starting every time is normal for my jeep. 

    How much easier it is to replace parts on a jeep in comparison to emotional reconnections inside of me. 

    Each disconnection is felt and grieved as the new ones are born and celebrated. 

    We don’t actually get new parts we transform the parts of ourselves that are broke.

    Little by little we rebuild ourselves into a full working self. 

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.  ~Author unknown

     

  • Driving on the Right Side

    To see my route from a few feet higher and a foot to the right was a whole new view.

     

    I seen the inside of mailboxes I have never seen, for their bottoms were even to the car top, and now I can look right in.  I will even be able to make sure all out going mail is out going!

     

    I feel like I have grown up and that I can now do this job like it is meant to be done, instead of with a handicap of being too short.

     

    Instead of everything being a struggle and barely in reach, it is right there.  Now I am noticing the really low ones, that were low for the car, are almost out of reach, but they are an exception.

     

    The relaxed nature of my car’s steering wheel allowed for a few degrees in each direction before it would follow, in the jeep, it responds immediately.  It kept me on my toes, no more looking for packages while driving!

     

    I only went to the passenger side a few times looking to drive from there, a reflex that has to be broken.

     

    The shifting will take some time, for the wipers came on a few times and I didn’t move an inch, but was surprised to see the washer fluid squirting up!

    Inside the jeep will also take time for me to get used to, as I find a sequence of how things will flow, when and where lunch will be served, where the stamps fit best, where out going mail basket fits best, where the small packages are easily reached, where the pen and small change will be kept, like moving into a new office space!

     

    And believe it or not, my right hip and leg were sore from all the leg work it now had to do, no more just kicking back while the left leg did it all.  Only one time, did I get in and put my right leg out to straighten me in the seat, and gun the motor, for I had stepped on the gas, and looked around for the ‘racing’ car…and it was Me.

     

    It is amazing what our bodies get used to and how creatures of habit we become.

     

    This just shows me how unaware you can become when you are in the same routine, until you change something that makes you do things differently.

     

    In a short while I will feel normal driving on the right side.

     

     IMG_5076

  • Upset the Arrangement.

    There is a land called, “It would be Nice” and it is full of wonderful well-intentioned dreamers, folks who are stolen from reality in a fraction of a second.

     

    One second you are here, and before you even see yourself leave you are there, and once you are there; you can only know it by how you feel.

     

    In the land of it would be nice, you feel unhappy, unsatisfied, discontent no longer wanting to be where you are, but someplace else doing something else, with someone else. 

     

    While sounding like a nice place, it leaves you uneasy.

     

    No one warned me of this phrase and how it doesn’t allow you to feel what is going on right here and right now, for as soon as you say the words, “it would be nice,” you change locations and your feelings follow.

     

    As Byron Katie stated in one of her books, you can be sitting on a couch and feel like it is heaven, until you think, “It would be nice to have a pillow”, and then you are uncomfortable with just the couch.

     

    From Heaven to Hell without moving anywhere except in your mind.

     

    The three words Byron Katie says cause the most suffering are, would, should and could.

     

    What I didn’t know is that these words are the expressways out of reality, an escape route to a place far from where you are standing.

     

    You mind leaves reality, and takes your feelings with, and all that is left is the physical body, but it can’t feel or know it is in the here and now, for the mind and awareness are gone.

     

    Have you ever driven a car and can’t recall passing things, like ‘mindless driving’.  Your driving but your mind is elsewhere, that is leaving reality.

     

    Once you are aware of how much you are not aware, it is scary to know how little in a day you are actually present and fully connected to what is.

     

    Often times it is when you are doing ‘mindless’ tasks, or when you are where you don’t want to be, you visualize yourself to be elsewhere. 

     

    Most often you are unhappy with how life is operating at this moment and want to affect change, and do…but all you really change is leaving the scene in your mind.

     

    Leaving what is for what should be.

     

    Not wanting what is there or wanting more than what is there and even less, forever trying to arrange life to suit your mind.

     

    I can visualize three islands, Would be, Should be, and Could be, the islands of life’s discontent!

     

    It takes practice and sheer determination to not try and rearrange life as it appears, to just sit softly in acceptance being bent by life, instead of trying to bend life into what you feel would be better.

     

    It’s to go from being a duck on a river trying to direct the flow, to being a duck floating in total submission.

     

    Floating in total submission doesn’t take away from the duck or the river; it shows them in perfect harmony.

     

    It seems insane that the mind wants to make corrections to what is happening right now, but it does, and perhaps that is the meaning of insanity.

     

    Insanity is the mind trying to control the Universe.

     

    I had to look up the word Insane.

    It means, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged.

     

    So, I had to look up the word deranged.

     

    Transitive verb deranged-·ranged′, deranging-·rang′·ing. to upset the arrangement.

     

    To upset the arrangement.

     

    Does that mean to Upset arrangement of reality?

    To be upset with life?

    To want to arrange things better, different, more to your liking, to be forever at war with reality?

     

    If it is true then we all are insane in various degrees, with mild or extreme tendencies, and perhaps the tougher reality is to swallow, the more extreme the Upset.

     

    So when people get upset, due to the fact they don’t like arrangement of life, they are mentally derranged or insane.

     

    The opposite of insanity is total acceptance to what is.

     

    Is that right?  That if you are not mentally with reality you are arranging it differently in your mind, you upset the arrangement to suit your needs, then you are insane.

     

    If this is the case, then I truly was insane and mentally deranged for most of my life, and still fall into this position from time to time.

     

    Insanity is to upset the arrangement.

     

     

  • Thy Will Be Done

    A thought came to me last night as I lay down to rest, “Being a Victim is easy….”

     

    Being a victim requires NOTHING from you, you get to just sit and wait for the world to change.

     

    Victims always have someone to blame you are never held accountable, you are blame free, a loving kind individual and the world is beating you up.

     

    Someone is always coming in and wrecking your world so you lose your kind demeanor.

     

    It is by far easier to point a finger at the cause of why you act the way you act, than it is to change your actions.

     

    “If someone can steal your peace, You are the Loser”…says, Bikram.

     

    I just never felt to the depth of my soul, that being a victim was the easy way out that it required less than actually making a change.

     

    It seems that it is more painful to be a victim, but now I am wondering if that is true?  Maybe it is actually harder to change, to walk out of the old patterns, and do something different.

     

    Make a new response; require more from your self and less from the world, to bring back to you the ownership of all your behaviors.

     

    Instead of people out there pushing your buttons, keep your fingers on your own buttons; turn the buttons inward, so when you explode, it was you who did it, not some outside source.

     

    Changing from victim to empower is wearing your emotional clothes inside out, so all the buttons are on the inside, where there is no one to blame but yourself, each and every time you speak or act out, you are the only one hurting yourself.

     

    Is it possible to be Masochistic to self?

     

    It is a cycle of self-abuse.

     

    How is it easier to remain in that role, than it is to stop the pain?

     

    It just doesn’t seem right that it is easier to be hurt over and over, to have your hopes and dreams dashed again and again?

     

    How is it so much easier to be so out of control of your self?

     

    And yet, most of the victims I know are working so hard to control the world and yet are unable to see that they are the ones out of control in their own world.

     

    There is a slight but profound difference between being in control in a world that’s in control, or being out of control by and out of control world.

     

    The mirror affect yet again.

     

    If you are a victim, the world is out to get you.

     

    When you are not, the world is out to give you all that you could ever dream and more.

     

    It is literally impossible to be kind in a mad world, the laws of the Universe works beautifully always, "Thy will be done".

     

  • What Isn’t There to See!


    To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. 

     ~Ken S. Keyes

     

    We have two eyes and I am thinking we need to use them for two separate things; one to see what we have and the other what is missing.  I also suggest keep one eye working more than the other, perhaps even wear a patch over the one who is a forever counting what is Not here.

     

    Our train of thoughts need to keep the track to the positive eye well used, and abandon the tracks to the one that is forever reporting the doom and gloom, the worrier, the spoil sport, the one that is adding up a long column of negatives, when there is a whole world of good to be calculated.

     

    I know that by switching how I look upon my job makes a difference, if I can see all the positives, the downsides will fade from neglect.

     

    I heard Dr. Maya Angelou say of people who whine, ‘stop you will let them know a Victim is in the area.’

     

    So in the vicinity of your voice how is it being heard?

     

    What are you mentioning most often, the things going right or what is going wrong?

     

    We are either a victim commentator of life or one that sees things as they are and rolls by accepting, being enthusiastic or having enjoyment in what is, as Eckhart Tolle suggests.

     

    If you can accept what is going on, you are no longer a victim.

     

    When you fight it, you become a victim to It, no matter what It is.

     

    It is raining and you want sunshine, the rain will victimize you.

    Just by wanting what is not there, IT takes your power; your eyes are on what isn’t happening.

     

    When you keep your strongest eye on what isn’t happening, you waste what you have in life.

     

    Can you have what you don’t see?

     

    Yet we believe we can have what we don’t see by focusing on what isn’t there.

     

    How backwards this all is…What we can see, we don’t and what we don’t we focus on.

     

    Seeing what isn’t and not seeing what is.

     

    Like a trick mirror, reporting back what isn’t there to see!

     

  • The Hardest Part

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0aUbbYWjNw

    Lyrics to the song by Coldplay, The Hardest Part.

     

    And the hardest part,

    was letting go, not taking part,

    was the hardest part

     

    And the strangest thing

    was waiting for the bell to ring

    It was the strangest start

     

    I could feel it go down

    Bittersweet, I could taste in

    my mouth

    Silver lining the cloud oh I, I wish

    That I could work it out

     

    And the hardest part

    Was letting go, not taking part

    You really broke my heart, oh

     

    And I tried to sing

    but couldn’t think of anything

    And that was the hardest part, oh, oh

     

    I could feel it go down

    You left the sweetest taste in my mouth

    The silver linings the clouds

    Oh and I, Oh and I

    Wonder what its all about

    Wonder what its all about

     

    Everything I know is wrong

    Everything I do, it just comes undone

    And everything is torn apart

     

    Oh and it’s the hardest part

    That’s the hardest part

    Yeah that’s the hardest part

    That’s the hardest part

     

  • Cheering for the Butterfly!

    We would rather be ruined than changed;
    We would rather die in our dread
    Than climb the cross of the moment
    And let our illusions die.

    ~W.H. Auden

     

    As I sit in the graveyard of my illusions, I am left with merging emotions, crashing upon each other, overlapping – sorrow and freedom, sadness and joy, feeling left out and being spared, all swaying within like ghosts.

     

    Memories of happier times try to overpower awareness of reality’s raw experiences; a game of pretend almost arises, like an abused woman who refuses to see the man who beat her, by focusing on the good times.

     

    Hope plans a future that isn’t to be, sorrow knowing you can never go home.

     

    Being sprung free and yearning for the cage.

     

    Celebrating while crying.

     

    Unable to firmly grasp one without feeling the loss of the other.

     

    It feels like I am dying while alive, grieving for my own self.

     

    Having one foot in the grave of my old life, while learning to walk in my new.

     

    The hardest part is to let me die, to be strong and keep killing the illusion, the dysfunctional relationships, letting them go on without me.

     

    I wish I could say I am tough and this is easy to feel the sorrow and pain as another section of my life dies…and I am left in the space of empty.

     

    The wise say that without change we would have no butterflies.

     

    But the time between caterpillar and butterfly is you are neither, suspended in time…

     

    You don’t fit with the caterpillars anymore, and you still have no wings to fly.

     

    In a cocoon I live, one life not finished and new one not fully begun.

     

    Suspended in soup of transition.

     

    Crying for the caterpillar and cheering for the Butterfly!

     

  • Life with Empty Arms.

    I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. 

    ~Frederick Douglass, escaped slave

     

    Last night in a dream I was able to see what I carried around, what I have been trying to put down or at least find the owner.

     

    In my dream I was holding a boneless fat baby and dragging this huge duffle bag, which was his.

     

    Life seemed to be moving along all around me, opportunities to engage, from adventures to shopping to eating in fine diners, people coming and going, and there I was with the floppy baby.

     

    I couldn’t get a good grip to hold it, for the chub was slippery and I tried really hard to keep its head up and limbs looking normal, while dragging this huge heavy bag.

     

    In yoga today, it came to me that this represents my spineless self, the one who didn’t stand for anything, but instead had to be carried around.  And this self came with a ton of baggage.

     

    This baby was forever hungry; all I recall is the mouth under a head of wild hair.

     

    What a great overview of seeing my self with carting around a belief system that kept me from being me and engaging in life.

     

    I knew that the baby wasn’t mine and was searching for the owner, being my responsible self; I was unable to just drop it.

     

    This also shows my dedication in not letting go, that I expect to find a person to take my old self from me, instead of just doing the job myself.

     

    Now that I have this visual of how it feels to live with self with so much baggage, perhaps I will be able to just let it go.

     

    Let it go and walk away free.

     

    Free to enjoy life with empty arms!