I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • The Way You Move!

    “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”

      ~Anne Taylor Fleming

     

    My solo dance has changed and it has affected our duet, for I am a new dancing partner.

     

    In the duet I am the odd one and we both feel my differences.  In places where I used to go, he goes alone, and in my new ways I go alone.

     

    Perhaps we are both learning new solo dances.

     

    The relationship is what the dance looks and feels like when we are together.

     

    I feel that it is my fault that we keep stepping on each other’s toes, tentatively trying to learn new moves, or feeling unsure as to where to step.

     

    We are out sync and out of tune, and it leaves you feeling uneasy and unsure.

     

    It isn’t like investigating a new relationship, for we have 28 years of being together, of growing and sharing.  It seems harder to make changes within an old dance.

    How easy it would be to bail out and go solo, where you can twist and turn and not bump into someone’s feelings, put up boundaries where you are the only one affected, where my actions only matter to me.

     

    For no matter what I do there is a ripple into those within my house.

     

    I took for granted the smooth dance moves we had, the rhythms and comfort we had knowing each other so well, I wonder how long it will be for my new solo moves to seem normal within the Us.

     

    What cuts to my core is I am not doing this on purpose, upsetting our world for something to do, I am just moving the best I can under the cruelest of circumstances.

     

    I didn’t set out to disrupt our dance, to step on people’s toes, to ruin the duets; I am just a dancer in reality, where in the past I was dancing to a song in my head.

     

    Our moves are awkward at best, stilted and unrehearsed, and sadly at times, more at ease alone.

     

    I was trying to shield the impact of my world imploding and the fall out it caused, but in the end it was felt anyway.

     

    I guess this is what it looks like when a family is impacted by tragedy and when one person changes so drastically that it splashes on everyone.

     

    This is what life is, changes change the way you move!

     

  • Life of Freedom

    The leader of my childhood religion will be laid to rest today, yet his teachings will live on within many of his devote followers.

     

    His word and guidance led my mother’s life, which in turn greatly influenced mine. 

     

    Born into this religion, it was what I was raised upon. Like food for the body, this controlled my mind.

     

    What is unreal to me is that I didn’t know that my mind was controlled until after I left the church, for while I was there; insanely I felt this was my choice.

     

    It is not a choice if you are not given an alternative.

     

    Inside the walls of this religion you hand over your mind and your body. 

     

    It owns them both, like a robot you then march forward. 

     

    A good Christian soldier mindlessly unquestionably and in Faith walks on, blindly following where the preacher leads.

     

    Your inner guide is replaced by the spoken word in church.

     

    This spoken word from the preacher overrides all individual choice, and in fact individual choice is seen as the devils urgings.

     

    The only way this system works is that a child is born into it, before it has power of Self, it is programmed and brainwashed into believing the message of the church. 

     

    The children are the seeds of the next generation.

     

    It isn’t so much the elders of the church that keep this system going, but rather the children which are crafted into little Christian soldiers before their minds ever know a free thought.

     

    Bending and twisting the free spirit into a controlling mindless Being is the only way this insane religion will work.

     

    No one in their right minds will hand over their body, their mind and surely not their soul.

     

    Oddly enough, the preacher man believes he is saving souls and perhaps he is, saving them for his own good. 

     

    They are giving up their lives for the cause.

    The sheer volume of children that are born into this religion boggles the mind.

     

    I had thought that the children were the residual affects of the sin called “No Birth Control.”

     

    But it is more insidious than that; it is where the power comes from, it is how the army continues to grow from inside the walls.

     

    Being born into captivity the little children seldom escape to live a free life.  For inside the cage lives their parents and family members. 

     

    In order to be free, you leave them all behind seemingly puppets on the preachers string.

     

    As many mourn his passing today, I will mourn the thousands of little children stuck inside the cages of their own minds, who may never know a life of freedom. 

     

     Outside the box 2

     

     

  • We are Free.

    Freedom is that instant between when someone tells you to do something and when you decide how to respond. 

    ~Jeffrey Borenstein

     

    Yesterday it dawned on me that in our communities, many of the folks who are against government taking more and more rights away from us, offer little freedom to their own children, and many are within the confines of strict religious cults.

     

    Where they are told what to wear and not wear, what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’, what to believe and not believe, where individual freedoms are extinct.

     

    Is it only odd to me that these folks held prisoners in their religion, are claiming they stand for freedom, that these parents who dictate life to their children, fear the loss of freedom?

     

    Do they even know what freedom is?

     

    Most are baptized as children into this religious prison, made to comply with rules and have never know a day of freedom for they were born into captivity.

     

    How can people who have never been free speak of maintaining their free rights?

     

    What rights are they afraid of losing? 

     

    How can you stand up for freedom while being held a prisoner in your own life?

     

    Is this only preposterous to me?

     

    What some think of freedom is really being free to move around their cage.

     

    An animal born in a Zoo doesn’t have a clue what it would be like to be free.  How it feels to live with out fences.

     

    We are only as free as the space between the fence and us!

     

    And when all fences disappear, we are free.

     

  • The Girl She Was Meant To Be.

    I found myself seeing myself but with my old perception and then with my new perception could see my old self.

     

    It is like looking in a two-way mirror seeing your self on both sides. 

     

    Amazing to see such contrasts between the two.

     

    It dawned on me that I am a crazy, daring, bold lady, a woman of courage who tossed aside 46 years of rules and regulations to follow her own truth. 

     

    I am in awe of the distance between these two women, and they both are Me.

     

    The lady I used to be didn’t break rules, she followed along obediently even if she didn’t want to, people pleasing was her full time job, and choice making wasn’t her strong suit, her sense of self was gotten from the multitude of labels she covered her self with.

     

    My new lady tossed out all the rulebooks, and set out on her own, using her own body as her guide, for the first time ever.

     

    I remember stating, “It was like I was going to find myself, I didn’t know who I was or even that I was missing.”

     

    And it was the truth.

     

    I left my old me and I walked away, for the old me was a combination of other peoples ideas of me, their needs of me, their wishes of me, I was a me of their dreams, but not of my own.

     

    The old me was built up for reasons that had little or nothing to do with me.  Even if I didn’t know who I was, I knew for sure who I wasn’t.

     

    A child molester once said, “I changed who she would have been,” and he is right.

     

    A little girl who has been molested loses her way, her passions, and her spirit. 

     

    Her life is only about surviving.

     

    In this two-way mirror on my journey I see how the same courage she had to survive, she used to set herself free. 

     

    From the wide view I see a fearlessly bold lady who has taken her life back.  Who will no longer just survive, but she will live.

     

    She will live her own dreams, have her own ideas, make her own wishes and suit her own needs.

     

    Self lovingly at last, she is free to be the girl she was meant to be.

     

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  • Dance Going On Inside!

    Sight challenged isn’t just for those whose physical eyes have technical problems and hearing challenged isn’t for those who can’t hear sounds.

     

    I am thinking there is a much larger Sense Challenge going on, where most are not connected to their own bodies.

     

    It is amazing when you are connected to your senses how much there is to feel, see and hear.

     

    As I did my yoga on the river yesterday my senses were overrun with sensations a feast so large that you can only sample a little at a time.

     

    My eyes were witness to wildlife along the river banks, to the flies dancing on the river, to those buzzing and landing nearby, to clouds slowly making their way across the sky adjusting their formations as they move along, to floating butterflies coming by to see how my poses were going.

     

    My body felt the heat of the noonday sun, the relief of the gentle breeze, the coolness of the water I sipped, to the uneven ground I stepped upon, to the stretching muscles, the concentrated balance, to aches and sharp pains of a body unaligned, to the relaxed breath in between poses.

     

    My ears picked up the concert of birds singing loudly competing with Bikram’s voice, the distant sound of cars, the loud splashes of the beaver delightfully playing, the wind in the leaves…

     

    And behind all of the senses is a feeling of awareness.

     

    It is the awareness that makes the other senses come alive.

     

    Without awareness the whole orchestration of the Universe goes unnoticed.

     

    The more you see the more you see.

    The more you hear the more you hear.

    The more you feel the more you feel.

     

    Our bodies are used to appreciate the Universe and I believe there is a whole other Universe inside of us.

     

    There is an echoing dance going on inside!

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  • Reality has no Delete Buttons

     

    I am way confused about the applications of religion, the way religion believes that you can hand over your burdens to God, that Jesus will carry the things you don’t want to deal with, that he is a dumping off place.

     

    How can you literally hand the “bad stuff” over?

     

    Like what do you do actually?

     

    How do you take experiences and actions and bundle them up and hand them over?

     

    How do you remove them from your past?

     

    Isn’t it odd that this ‘forgiving and forgetting’ technique is only used for things that are troubling about other people; you never remove the ‘good things’ only the bad things you don’t want to deal with.

     

    It reminds me a huge delete button.

     

    When a person’s action hurts or makes you feel bad, and you don’t really want to address it, you can hit this button.

     

    When an incident happens that changes the original picture of someone, you can just hit the “I forgive you button” and like magic they continue to be ‘good’.

     

    This button will allow the other person not to have the hassle of changing, or making corrections; you are just agreeing to not see them.

     

    Agreeing to not see them does not make them disappear.  You are just two people pretending something is no longer there.

     

    It is like living in a world where hurtful things happen, but you are denying they are there, you are determined not to see/hear and feel them.

     

    I am amazed and blown back that many actually believe this works.

     

    This delete button is in your head; it really doesn’t work in reality.

     

    You simply can’t walk along and hit this button when people’s behavior is unkind.

     

    You can’t create a new version of someone by overlooking his or her behaviors/actions! It simply doesn’t work in reality.  In reality the person continues on doing that which he does and you are just overlooking it.

     

    How supposedly intelligent individuals cannot see this NOT working puzzles me.

     

    The only delete button is actions.

    They have to act different.

    They have to walk a new walk to change their behavior.

     

    You simply can’t forgive and forget enough times to make the other person change.

     

    My mother tried this repeatedly and my father continued to abuse little girls.  Her forgiving and forgetting allowed him to not have to change.

     

    Oh MY God you simply can’t stuff this stuff into a belief in your head and make the world a better place!  You have to deal in the real.

     

    What is so insane to me is I am seen as the one with the issues for I have no delete button anymore!  I am the problem, because I will not forgive and forget.

     

    My delete button is broken.

     

    I am out of my mind and into reality.

     

    Reality has no delete buttons!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I will see.

     

    What I know for sure is that you can’t convince people against their will.

     

    Their will is inside and it is their experiences of the world, their minds and beliefs that are standing in front of you.

     

    You simply can’t take the wall down from the outside, no matter how you articulate your words trying to explain your actions; they will simply not hear what is said in the manner it is presented.

     

    Their beliefs block it out.

     

    Anymore than their words will convince me against my feelings and experience.

     

    To get someone to experience what I have, to make them feel what I feel is to hijack their bodies, and I can’t.

     

    They are the sole owner of that body, their beliefs, thoughts and fears.  They are quite happy doing what they are doing; otherwise they would change.

     

    What I have to change is believing they want to change.  What I have to change is trying to change them against their wills. 

     

    I must accept what is.

    I must accept their will.

    I must accept their beliefs.

    I must accept who they show me they are.

    I must not try and change them.

    I must not try and convince them against their will.

    I must not try and change their beliefs.

    I must meet them right exactly where they are at, in acceptance.

    They are perfect. There is nothing there for me to change.

    Anymore than there is something in me that I want them to change.  I want them to see me exactly as I am.

     

    I don’t want a pinch of something that isn’t me added to me, not one false ideal, thought or belief. 

     

    I want me to be seen as me.

    All my actions exactly as they are.

    All my words as they are intended.

    And I will do the same to others.

    I will see you as you are and not who I want you to be.

    I will see your actions pure.

    I will hear your words clear.

    I will not make an illusional you.

     

    You get to show me who you are.

    I will see.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • That is not buried.

    “If you were to die today, who would be buried? The person you are or the person you are trying to become?”

     

    This question was asked to me by my sister.

     

    My response was, “me”.

     

    When I went back to get it for this blog, I re-read it and it is even more profound.

     

    I am not trying to become someone, but rather I am trying to undo the parts of me that are not true.

     

    I am becoming more and more myself and less and less false.

     

    If I were to die today I would die knowing that I was working like hell up against the fury and discontent of family and friends, to become me.

     

    Just me.  Not trying to be someone else, just me.

     

    I lived for 46 years in lies, both inside and out.

     

    I lied each time I was silent and didn’t stand-up and against ideals and beliefs that I didn’t feel were right.

     

    I lied to others and myself, there was little of the real me in any relationship I had.  I was raised on lies, so I was more lies than reality.  I could only be what was put into me, lies.

     

    If I had died 5 ½ years ago, they would have buried a girl who had no idea of who she was, what brought her joy, what freedom meant, I would have died lost in dysfunction, a girl of lies.

     

    My life would have been all for naught.

     

    Today, if I were to die, I would die knowing who I am, what I stand for, my truths, my errors, my wounds, what heals me, what brings me peace, my passion.  I would die knowing me.

     

    I feel so blessed to know who I am, to know all the dark corners and the bright spaces, to have freedom and joy, peace and love, all within myself.

     

    I will die and they will bury me.  Not someone I am trying to be, for what I am trying to be, is Me.

     

    Yet that Me, is my Soul and Spirit….the only part that is not buried.

     

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  • Caretaker of Me!

    “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

      ~Friedrich Nietzsche

     

    Peer pressure will always be there, the calling of a group, or the pressure to just go along with everyone else, to keep the peace, to not ruffle feathers, and it is usually at the cost of self.

     

    What I think we instinctively feel is that we will be alone IF we go against the pack and it is usually the case, and nobody wants to be the odd man out.

     

    So, instead of owning yourself, you just go along so you are not alone.

     

    Being alone isn’t seen as a worthy goal, going with the flow and peacefully accepting the group consensus is.

     

    What I find so intriguing is that I feel the draw of being part of a group even if it is dysfunctional and painful group!

     

    My old co-dependency feels frightened to be disconnected and separated.  I feel the anxiousness at times of never fitting in or being together like that again.

     

    It is like I have two separate dialogues going on at one time, my free spirit is cheering and celebrating, ‘thank God we don’t have to be part of that ever again,’ and my co-dependency longs to join up, hook up, tag team with anyone, be part of a group of any kind, to fit in and not be dangling free.

     

    Once I can separate who wants what and what I really want, peace settles back in.

     

    What relief that this body is no longer for rent!

     

    I am the owner and caretaker of me! 

     

  • Real Me.

    “Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication.  They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others.  Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.” 

    ~Author Unknown

     

    When I began following my truth and spoke with emotional honesty, it really never occurred to me that I was sealing the deal on having no relationship.

     

    How sad and telling that most of my past relationships were based upon phoniness, either theirs or mine or both.

     

    When I could no longer tolerate the absence of emotional honesty and the other side wasn’t ready for the full exposure to emptiness, our relationship ended.

     

    Our phony relationship lay exposed.

     

    It is funny how you can miss what wasn’t there, how you ache for the closeness you falsely created, incredible to grieve a loss of something you did not have.

    It seems mental to feel separated and alone when a phony relationship dies. 

     

    How can I grieve something phony?

    How can I love something phony?

    How can I have a relationship with phony?

     

    Phony was the only family that I knew, was the only me I knew.

     

    It is funny that you can crave a false thing, something that has no substance, like a drug.

     

    It isn’t the drug itself, but the feeling.

     

    I felt like I belonged.

     

    Now I am standing separated from them.

     

    I am different, perhaps no longer co-dependent.

     

    Feeling strange at being totally alone and separated, yet totally connected to feelings, my emotions and me!

     

    The phony me died, the phony relationships died and they gave birth to a real me.

     

    “It takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.” 

    Homer Simpson