I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Just me.

    When Oprah did the interviews with the Sexual Predators, her main intentions was to sit in a nonjudgmental space where they could tell their side. 

     

    In doing so, she was able to hear why and how, and then for those of us who were abused in the audience, we could see we were targeted, groomed, lured and sought after, and it set us free.

     

    She also spoke of the child who had to take care of her self, and how if she looked in the window of her childhood home, she would see herself alone. This is what the predators see, NO one is there watching the child.

     

    What is so sad about this is the child is seeking someone to take care of them, and in pops this sexual predator and gives them the attention they crave. 

     

    We want someone to take care of us, make us feel special and they do, but with the ultimate goal of abuse.

     

    It occurred to me today in yoga, is that the little girl who was so not seen, is still seeking to be seen.  Just see me.

     

    See me.

     

    See me hurt, see me lost, see me confused, see me broken, see me and help me, or see me helping me, fixing me, doing good for me, just see me, and acknowledge me.

     

    I turned into this seeking device.

     

    Forever seeking attention, seeking help, seeking love, seeking safety, seeking comfort, seeking peace, seeking, seeking, seeking, I am so tired of seeking.

     

    To feel the uselessness of waiting this long, to once again have to be strong enough to take care of myself, leaves you breathless and weak, yet strong.

     

    As tears flowed once again, it felt like I was once again left alone to heal, that no one on the outside could help, even if they wanted to.

     

    It was up to me.

     

    I had to be with me. 

    To be with me for me alone, not for someone else’s approval.

    Just do me for me.

     

    It was up to me once again to be with myself to not wait for the other to make me feel good, or to be proud, to heal my wounds, or myself and that I am the one I was waiting for.

     

    I was waiting for me to be with me, to not make excuses, be too busy, to this or to that.

     

    By doing this yoga challenge for 60 days, it is making me pay attention to me each day; I am giving me what I needed the most, me.

     

    A me that is good enough, I am good enough alone, just me.

     

     

     

  • A Journey within a journey.

    It is day 42, with 18 to go, and I am feeling okay, I wasn’t overly excited to begin, but did it anyway.

     

    It is in the actions, or as an old friend used to say, “Just arrive.”

     

    Arrive to the mat, just place your feet together, hands under your chin and begin the breathing process.  Taking it one step at a time, and I will know when I cannot go a step further, and it is incredible that with an unwilling enthusiasm, I can still do yoga.

     

    In the acceptance mode I still get fully involved, and expend lots of energy, sweating and breathing, until an hour and a half slip by.

     

    The Spin Twisting Pose comes up and I know that I made it again, a journey within a journey.

     

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  • Feminine Self

    My 40th yoga session followed right behind a two-hour Oprah interview with 4 sexual predators and a book I was reading called “The Flying Boy” by John Lee.

     

    As I began yoga and on the Standing Head to Knee pose, as I went to pick up my left leg, which is weak and unbendable the thought came to me, “my feminine side was crippled or broken” and tears began to flow.

     

    It was like my body felt relieved that I could acknowledge this.  I felt such compassion for the wounded feminine parts of me as I lovingly stood there on one leg holding my left/feminine side.

     

    This alone would be a huge gift on day 40, but on we go. 

     

    I get to the Balancing Stick pose and as I raise my hands above my head and I begin to breathe, another profound thought comes in, “I am only responsible for love and trust,” and again tears come and a huge lightness to my shoulders.  As I was breathing in I was feeling only being responsible for bringing trust and love to my relationship with my abuser, my father.

     

    I am innocent of being responsible or guilty for the abuse.

     

    I then proceed to hold the pose of Balancing Stick for all but the last one, for on that one, again I was eager to tell you about this, and lost the connection.

     

    Those are two gifts this yoga gave me today, the realization that my feminine side is damaged, but with good reason, and that I am free of carrying the weight of guilt and shame or blame.  My shoulders literally felt lighter yet again.

     

    As I went into the floor Separate Head to Knee, where my left hip usually screams, I told it, “it is okay I understand your hurt,” and I was able to do this without pain, not perfect, not farther, but with ease and more tears. 

     

    It is like I am recognizing the physical manifestations this body has held.

     

    An overwhelming sadness came in knowing that I have lived so long without this side, this softness, this trusting openness, how hard and stiff it has left me, struggling to be stronger, tougher, when what I needed was to be more relaxed and soft. 

     

    Bikram is right, “you have no idea what yoga can do for you, Yoga makes you you.”

     

    As one predator stated, “I killed the person she could have been.”  And he is right.  But they only win if we don’t bring her back!  I intend to return to my full healthy loving trusting feminine self!

     

  • The only enemy was my belief

    When I had written the ‘community approval’ concept down yesterday, it followed me one step behind, lingering and pestering me, as to why?

     

    Why do I seek to find affirmations about my life in others, or why does someone disagreeing with me threaten me?  Why are there always they and we, two sides, friendly and foe?

     

    Why can’t it just be one whole bunch, like we are all equal?

     

    And it then occurred to me that the bases of my old religion was that we were special, the chosen one, the one and only path to God, the right Church, and all who didn’t believe as Us, went to Hell.  Them and us a definite split, God’s children and I guess the Devil’s spawn.

     

    It was from this basis I was raised always seeking to divide and separate.

     

    In fact it was preached to us to stay away from the enemy, to only congregate with our own.

     

    There is this identifier within me, this mode of operating that I seek only those who match me, and then disregard the rest.

     

    It is an enemy reflex muscle, always scooping the terrain for the ‘other’!

    I can feel how this plays out everywhere in my life, in little nuances and in large ways, always on the look out for the enemy and to self protect.

     

    I am now outside of the narrow religion but still using its tools to navigate and to communicate. 

     

    With the dawning yesterday I feel that that old tool lost its power, and that I will now operate from the standpoint we are all equal, totally, there is no enemy.

     

    In fact the only enemy is believing there is an enemy.

     

    The only enemy was my belief.

     

  • You Be You

    “I don't know what is best for me, or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else.  I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

               Byron Katie

    An old friend surfaced and I felt myself not being seen or validated, and what instead was happening, is that I wasn’t validating her. 

    The stress inside of me was that I wanted her to be where she wasn’t, to speak and think in a way that was impossible for her to do so.

    I wanted her to have my relationship with God, my experiences of life, and my views and to feel what it is like to be in my shoes.  Insane?  How unkind of me to not understand that she simply can’t, for she is in her own life doing her own thing. 

    How awesome we each get our own life, our own business and our own pathway to God.

    There is an article “Seana Corn’s First Lesson in Yoga, (on Oprah.com click on Spirit) which again expresses that all people are on their own path, which is what I needed to read today, it cemented in me, that her and I are both right in our own way.

    I no longer feel the need for her approval or validation, I allow her to be on her own pathway, but without resentment towards her.

    So quickly I get lost in the community approval thing, where I seek another’s validation, like that will make my life better, easier or more than it already is.

    I truly honor her path, wherever IT leads her, and I am sooo grateful that I am not a ‘leader’ for her, for I have no clue what is best for her, like not even a little.

    It is amazing the way the resentment dies as soon as I accepted her as herself.

    You be you…

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  • Natural part of being me.

    Day 38 of yoga is done, and it feels more doable now that I have grown some new muscles, which actually make it harder for I can go deeper and stand longer, but compared to being weak and unbalanced, trying to do a pose, this is much more satisfying to do.

     

    If you just look at the physical changes to my body, it is remarkable that 90 minutes a day for 38 days actually produced stronger muscles and better balance.

     

    As for the inner changes, they are subtle but felt within.

     

    The absence of the nagging lady whining about my laziness and me has disappeared.  I feel better about my efforts to be present with this body.

     

    Looking backwards I can honestly say there is not one thing that is bad about doing yoga each day.  Sure the effort it takes to get up and out of bed is probably the hardest, but if you just roll out, the rest falls into place.

     

    I wonder if this can be part of my normal life, that it become a new normal routine, like drinking coffee and a sweet treat used to be.  How fruit, yogurt, cereal and tea are my new normal breakfast. 

     

    In the future will yoga be natural too, a natural part of being me.

  • Full Power

    I heard yesterday that after you say No, and the other person tries to get you to change your answer, they are trying to gain control over you.

     

    Imagine that?  I just hadn’t thought of looking at that as a power struggle or as one person looking to control the other.

     

    Byron Katie has said, that if you can’t say no, I don’t trust your yes.  Now this has a new dept to it for me. 

     

    You are as strong as your no.

     

    I am seeing this in my challenge that I am saying no to laziness, tiredness, sloth like behavior, and instead of settling back in and laying there, I get up and move.

     

    Each day that I say no to my old behaviors, I am gaining control.  Certainly the old behaviors are like an old unhealthy friend, urging me to change my mind.

     

    Today that feeling was almost overwhelming to just stay in bed and quit.  It took effort to get up, to get moving and to begin.

     

    That same zapping energy seemed to be present in the hardest postures, where I needed full power to power through, like Balancing Stick.

     

    It is up to me to stick with the no and not change and follow the old behavior, capitulating under its power.

     

    Imagine the power of no!

     

    Saying no can change your life and bring you back to full power.

     

  • It Appears And Then Goes

    This 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge is just one of many challenges we are doing each day, little ones, difficult ones, and ones that bring us more in alignment of who we truly are and ones separating us from who we are not.

     

    Being a Mom challenge started roughly 22 years ago and will continue on now until I die, an endless challenge.  It is a combined experience with both sides leaning on the other or challenging the other to become their best. I have seen how I can affect this challenge; how I am the change I want to see in them. 

     

    A marriage challenge has been going on now for 23 years, during which time I have grown up and then fell apart.  What we learned most is that who we are and how we feel directly affects the relationship of us.  Our truths and our selves highly influence the way this flows.   We have rode the rough waters and sailed the smooth seas, learning along the way, our willingness to try repeatedly is amazing. 

     

    The individual challenge of just being me has been going on for 51 years, and in that time I have witnessed myself in many different roles and tasks, some more challenging than others.

     

    And all we can do in each of these challenges is to do what is being asked of us right now.

     

    As a day moves along, I am in the yoga challenge, then I flip into the mom challenge, then a mail lady challenge, then back to a wife for a while, then a mom, maybe an Artist, and on it goes.

     

    How cool is that we have a multitude of things going on at one time.  The challenge is to do each challenge fully and with presence, and not to get ahead of the challenges, or sit in one challenge dreaming of another, but to concentrate right here right now. 

    We add little pieces, fun color or dimension to all these challenges each day, building on them a little at a time.

     

    We become like a juggler juggling the many aspects of ourselves, catching and releasing each challenge as it appears and then goes.

     

    “Do little, but right, that is how you change your personality, your life.”  Bikram

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  • I Stand In Awe Of You.

    Happy Birthday brother, you have always been outstanding. 

     

    I’ve seen you standing tall, even when it was the toughest thing to do.

     

    Standing as yourself, when yourself wasn’t accepted or condoned, standing when all you wanted to do was crawl.  Standing as you, when just being you wasn’t good enough.

     

    Standing in pain, standing in fear, standing in terror, standing in anxiety, standing in amazement, standing in understanding, standing in knowing, standing in courage, standing against fear, standing when others sit in judgment, standing as you, always out standing.

     

    May you always stand tall, stand proud, stand straight, stand in knowing, stand in compassion, stand in kindness, stand as the man you are, deeply and fully always embrace yourself.

     

    I stand with you in awe of your journey, your life, and your courage to always be yourself.

     

    As another year unfolds, as you look behind, notice all the places where you succeeded, all the lessons you learned, all the times a voice was needed and you found yours, in the times of weakness you prevailed.

     

    On this birthday celebrate the multitude of ways you have overcome much that seemed impossible, you stood up and continued on.

     

    I love your spirit, your courage, and your tenacity.  I love you as you.

     

    Happy Birthday brother I stand in awe of you.

     

  • Tired Lost This One.

    Today was the day I dreaded, the day that I knew it would be touch and go with yoga, for I had such a full day and late night the day before.

     

    So, the alarm goes off, it is 4:20, and I am heavy and not enthused, at all. 

     

    The dog wanted to go out, so I stepped outside with him.  It is clear, crisp, starlit, moonlit, quiet and surreal.  I breathe in deeply inhaling this wonder, and know that I just may do yoga, now.

     

    My night was the most awful since we began this challenge, restless, sleepless, waking, sleeping for short periods to wake wide awake, and dreams that seemed so real back then, that I awoke more tired then I fell asleep.

     

    And now yoga…

     

    It was uneventful and nothing stood out except the fact that I was doing yoga with a tired body and no rest.

     

    I kept hoping I was ‘gaining energy’ in the yoga class, recouping my nighttime loss. 

     

    The headache I woke with dissipated sometime during the standing poses, and I was simply amazed at myself when the last breath was blown out and I lay down to Bikram’s song.

     

    I had faced the challenge this morning and won.

    Tired lost this one…day 33 won!