I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • My Dream Begins.

    I feel different in my head.  I see myself differently, my future is unclear, and my sense of who I am seems to be shaky at best.

     

    I have always known who I was and felt like an apathetic passenger in life.  But something changed.  Where before my future seemed to be locked in, like a set of railroad tracks without an exit, it no longer looks that way. 

     

    Instead it seems that life is waiting for me to decide what it is I want to do. 

     

    Shocking.

     

    It is like when I see myself doing yoga and then see the changes, somehow this too can happen in life itself.

     

    I make a choice in the morning to do yoga, and each time I do that, I am changing me inside and out.  I move and it moves!

     

    I have the choice to play in my Art, to write, to learn something new, but I have to be the one to move.

     

    A new class will not arrive in my living room, new quilt designs do not come crawling into my work area, and I have to be the one to move first.

     

    Before I think I thought, that life would offer to me the opportunity.  Now I know that I have to first express the feeling of wanting it. 

     

    I wanted to take care of my body better, and I knew by looking at its neglect that it would require something from me.  Yet, once I began doing this and have continued, it is giving more back to me than I am giving it. 

     

    The more time we spend on taking care of this body the more life it will give us back. 

     

    The healthier it is the more it is alive, the more aliveness, the more energy, the more energy the more we feel free to dream, the more we dream, the more life will open up, the more it opens up the more possibilities arise, as possibilities come, along comes the fearless trying, bringing us further and further into our dream!

     

    I can feel the avalanche of life’s possibilities; the sparks dreams are made of, the energy that ignites and explodes and how it all happens.

     

    When I move my dream begins. 

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  • Seeds For A Better Tomorrow.

    Bikram writes in his book, Bikram Yoga about the ‘Intangibles’ of yoga.

     

    “These are some of the most important ways that yoga acts on the body to create perfect health.  Keep in mind, though, that yoga is not reducible to a quantified number of medical benefits.  Even as yoga makes measurable changes in your muscles, organs, bones and spine, it also is working on what we call the ‘subtle anatomy,’ renewing and reviving you at the cellular level, invisibly taking care of every atom and molecule. There’s an emotional and psychological aspect to the healing process as well – the mind/body connection.  As much as I like describing things in terms of cars, yoga doesn’t just give you a mechanical tune-up.  This is soul-stretching we’re doing, mind-restoring and Spirit-building.  The unquantifiable improvements in your quality of life and your attitude toward life make themselves felt in every cell as well.  When you’re well, they’re well.

     

    One of the yoga’s most miraculous effects is the way it actually increases your energy, rather than depletes it.  After practicing 90 minutes of postures, you’re not dragging and exhausted – you’re raring to go.  Your feet barely touch the ground!  How can this be?  First, you are in tune, so you operate and process fuel more efficiently. You can go further on less gas.  We also believe that through the breathing exercises, you are generating vastly greater amounts of prana, life energy, so naturally you feel more energized.  On a medical level, you are taking in more air, oxygenating all your cells and charging them with energy.

     

    My guru quantified this effect; he taught that one complete Hatha Yoga session infuses the body with enough energy for up to 16 days of health and increased longevity.  Practice again the next day and you gain another 16 days, while using only one.  It’s like putting money in the bank for future use. Put that money in the bank every day, and watch it add up, with interest.”     Bikram Choudhury

     

    That sounds rather impressive and it seems about right, for what it requires of us in those 90 minutes.

     

    This is serious yoga with serious quantifiable results; just learning to grasp the beginning of each pose will result in huge payoffs.  Maybe just arriving on the mat each day is a victory against long held past routines.

     

    It seems like it can go either way, until I am standing ready to take my first yoga breath, I then know I am on the next day’s session.

     

    It is not guaranteed that I will arrive each morning, but I don’t worry or stress about it in between. 

     

    I have intentions of continuing, but you just never know.

     

    My lack of self-trust is showing, my past behaviors out number the good ones.  My endurance to continue being kind to myself has not been a steady pattern in my life.

     

    It seems ‘something’ always comes in and knocks me out of my good intentions.

     

    Each day that I do one more yoga, I am building a history of successes.

     

    Dr. Phil says the biggest predictor of future behavior is past.  I am planting seeds for a better tomorrow. (21 days)  

     

  • Who I Was Born To Be.

    “Who I Was Born To Be” sung by Susan Boyle.

     

    When I was a child

    I could see the wind in the trees

    And I heard a song in the breeze

    It was there, singing my name.

     

    But I’m not a girl

    I have known the taste of defeat

    And I’ve finally grown to believe

    It will come around again.

     

    And though I may not

    Know the answers

    I can finally say I’m free

    And if the questions lead me here, then

    I am who I was born to be.

     

    And so, here am I

    Open arms ready to stand

    I’ve got the world in my hands

    And it feels like my turn to fly.

     

    And though I may not

    Know the answers

    I can finally say I’m free

    And if the questions lead me here, then

    I am who I was born to be.

     

    When I was a child

    There were flowers that bloomed in the night

    Unafraid to take in the light

    Unashamed to have braved the dark

     

    And though I may not

    Know the answers

    I can finally say I’m free

    And if the questions lead me here, then

    I am who I was born to be.

    I am who I was born to be.

     

    (You can hear her sing this song on http://www.oprah.com 

    It is awesome to hear)

     

  • Growing Me.

    I made it 20 days, a third of the way there, and I wish I had rose colored glasses that would allow me to be fooled that there will be magic at 60.

     

    Sixty will just be sixty days; just as twenty days is twenty days. 

     

    I can’t fool myself that this challenge will bring me a new body and life, but rather I know this challenge has gotten me doing what I knew I needed to do, daily.

     

    Yes, I am happy I have 20 days of giving my body what it desperately needed, 20 days where my mind sat in the backseat mumbling weak complaints, 20 days where I focused and gave 110% of my attention to me, it shows me that if you set your intentions, it can happen.

     

    I guess my fear is that I will stop, IF I pay too close attention to the numbers, and not look at me.  Afraid that once I hit the milestone of 60, I will recline in the completion of the challenge, and once again look away from me. 

     

    I see the challenge and I see my body and I see the ramifications of getting too caught up in just completing the challenge. 

     

    I must look beyond, far ahead and have a bigger challenge, a life changing challenge, look at this being a new way of life, not just a detour in a contest of determination. 

     

    In order to have a different life and body, I have to go beyond the sixty days, otherwise my body will relax into itself, again.

     

    Maybe there is fear in knowing what I need to change, but not sure if I have the stamina to keep doing it.

     

    It is like I can see both sides, one is dangling there useless, stiff and hurting, and the other side is free of all of that, but in the middle is the place where the choice is made.

     

    In the middle is where the rubber meets the road, and I stand there each morning when I decide to do yoga or not. 

     

    It is scary and freeing to know that all that stands between fitness and me is Me.

     

    Will I love myself enough to pay attention, to put forth 110% just for me? 

     

    Is twenty days convincing enough, have I gotten in the habit of loving me and paying attention to me?  Do I believe it yet?

     

    How long will this go on and what happens if I stop?  It seems that if I stop, I stop loving me, seeing me, being with me, and revert to my old habits of letting me go.

     

    I guess I am giving my mind fair warning; I am not stopping at 60, for I am just getting started. 

     

    The seeds of self-love, self-care, and self-awareness are being planted; will I have the stamina to continue growing me.

     

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  • The Bond Strengthens

    A little bit of trust is showing, a tad of self-control, and even some owning of determination, I have completed 19 days heading in the direction of reinventing this body into becoming a physically strong and healthy one.

     

    I am just on the beginning curve, just rounded the corner, and I am feeling that I can do this, that IT is possible. I caught a glimpse of my soul in my eyes today; we are taking back this body.

     

    While reading Deepak Chopra, “Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul,” he states;

     

    “Without a doubt, the body needs reinventing. To have a meaningful life, you have to use your body – you can’t experience anything without one – and so your body should be meaningful, too.  What would give your body its highest meaning, purpose, intelligence, and creativity?  Only the sacred side of our nature. This led me to the phrase, “resurrecting the soul.”  I am hesitant to use religious terms because they are loaded with emotional baggage, but soul is unavoidable.  Ninety percent of people believe they have a soul, and that it gives their lives ultimate meaning.  The soul is divine; it connects us to God.  Insofar as life contains love, truth, and beauty, we look to our soul as the source of those qualities; it’s no accident that a perfect love is called a soul mate.

     

    There is constant feedback between the soul and body. We invented the separation between the two, and then came to believe that separation was real.

     

    You may object that you’ve never felt ecstatic or sensed the presence of God.  This simply reflects our narrow conception of soul, confining it to religion.  If you look into the wisdom of traditions of every culture, you will find that the soul has other meanings.  It is the source of life, the spark that animates dead matter.  It creates the mind and emotions.  In other words, the soul is the very foundation of experience. It serves as the channel for creation as it unfolds in every second.  What makes these lofty ideas important is that every thing the soul does is translated into a process in the body.  You literally cannot have a body without the soul.  This is the forgotten miracle.  Each of us is a soul made flesh.”   Deepak

     

    I love the line, “You literally cannot have a body without the Soul.”  Yet for so long I wasn’t aware of my soul, or that my soul had a life that was separated from that of my parents, their beliefs and life patterns. 

     

    Bikram and Deepak are in agreement, that the body runs the best when the Soul is in the driver’s seat, when the mind takes a backseat.

     

    My Spirit is tentative at the wheel; unsure and wondering, having rode so long silently in the back.

     

    Who knows where we will go, what we will do, what experiences are yet for me to experience, but how awesome to be with this delightful driver!

     

    “Life is meant to be a complete experience.  People keep struggling with problems both physical and mental, never suspecting the root cause:  that the bond between body and soul has been severed. I wrote this book in the hope of restoring that bond.  I’m as eager and optimistic as the first day I used my scalpel to uncover the mysteries waiting under the skin, only now my optimism extends to the spirit as well.  The world needs healing.  To the extent that you wake up your soul, humankind is waking up the world’s soul.  It may yet happen that a wave of healing will sweep over us, a small wave at first, but one that could swell beyond all expectations in a single generation.”  Deepak

     

    I am feeling the tentative hold of my soul and body connecting.  Each time I do yoga, the bond strengthens.

     

  • A Stranger In The Mirror.

    "You don't have to worry about changing the world; just change yourself, and you will surely inspire the world to follow. The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to reach Self-Realization is 6 inches.  Take your hand, right now, and touch yourself on the forehead with the tips of your fingers.  That is where we all must start.  Now touch your fingertips to the center of your chest, right over your heart.  That is our ultimate destination.  Six inches lie between mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love.  Six inches is all that separates us from God.  It is the true path to Self-Realization, the way is lit by yoga."     Bikram

     

    It is day 18, a nice number and my yoga is strong, or I was strong with yoga. 

     

    The pain in my hip has changed and it now feels more like a healing pain, not a stopping pain.  I am able to relax in the pose instead of just bearing it, moving slightly deeper each set.

     

    What I felt somewhere during yoga yesterday that perhaps what was stopping me was not the fear of an old memory, but maybe the fear of a new me, or the mixture of both. 

     

    As I was letting go, maybe I was surrendering to the death of the old me, and succumbing to the new unfamiliar me.

     

    In that weird spot of letting go and not able to grab firmly on to a new me, I knew that I was not alone, that I would not be asked to traverse this by my self.

     

    An overwhelming feeling of gratitude flooded me, knowing once again the Universe and I would witness together each adjustment.

     

    It did not forsake me in the darkest of times, so I am certain It will walk with me now.

    I will be in awe of the synchronicity and flow.

     

    Watching everything I need fall into place at the right and perfect time. 

     

    My only task is to give 110% to yoga each day, and surrender to the flow of change.

     

    When I look into the mirror during yoga, I see so much of my mother, for I reflect her image closely.  I look deeply each day for her to recede and watch for sprouts of a new me.

     

    About five years ago I had said that my father would not define who I am, it never has occurred to me to set the same tone with my mother, so I did so today.

     

    Her image shares the mirror with me, I had emulated her so closely, each day I desire to see less and less of her, and more and more of me.

     

    To see a Me I have not met, a stranger in the mirror.

    Soul Sister

  • Yoga Is On Your Side!

    Mastering the Mind.  By Bikram Choudhury in his book, “Bikram Yoga”

     

    You will also require the will to insist on going- even when people are telling you you’re stupid to do so – and the discipline to make yourself try over and over again, to never give up no matter what the obstacles, until you reach your goal.  You need both mental toughness and physical toughness.  In all there are five qualities of mind that you have to instill; faith, self-control, determination, concentration and patience.  Like the eight forms of yoga, they operate interdependently and simultaneously.  The good news is that you’re already learning them.  As you continue to improve your body in Bikram Yoga classes, you will also naturally increase all five Raja Yoga powers.  And your mind will be tested and toughened under the duress that only my Torture Chamber and my unrelenting Dialogue can supply.  You will become distraction proof, emotion-proof, mood-proof, attitude-proof yogi, because you have entered into cosmic consciousness.  Here’s how.

     

    First, understand that the mind is at once the most important and the most complicated subject in human life.  With a foundation of mental strength, you can truly accomplish anything.

     

    Without control of mind, you can do nothing.  You have something, but you don’t know how to use it.  The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our own minds.

     

    The mind is the communications system between the physical body and the Soul or Spirit; its primary responsibilities are to control the body and supply the Spirit with immediate and exact information.  When the mind instead gives distracted and wrong information, the Spirit cannot govern properly – in fact, it cannot assume control at all.  The ego-driven mind has had to rule for itself, and now it does not want to give up its ultimate authority over your life.  This is a bitter, perverse fact about human beings, but it is the truth.

     

    Without proper training, the mind will continue to give you the wrong information and divert your focus from your Spiritual goals.  The way it does that so successfully is with fear and desire – its primary weapons.  Like a drug dealer, the mind gets addicted to these two opposite but conjoined emotions, and when we are constantly reacting to our attractions and aversions to people, things and situations, we can’t see what really is and reopen the channels of our true Self, the Spirit.  That’s why I say that the mind has become our worst enemy.

     

    To overcome this will not be easy. The weak mind is ever growing, constantly feeding on your fears and negative habits.  And as my Guru taught me, the natural human attraction to something negative is NINE TIMES more powerful than our gravitational pull to toward the positive– another inconvenient fact.

     

    In the philosophy of yoga, we say there are five big negative behaviors, or Don’ts, which collectively are call Yama (in Sanskrit).  They are: harming or injuring others; stealing; lying; possessiveness or greed; and neglecting or rejecting the Divine.  The five Do’s, or Niyama, are keeping the body and mind pure; self discipline; training the senses; studying the Divine; and surrendering to it.  Now think of our own life:  Why are you so often drawn to the Yama, things you know are bad for you?  Why is it so hard to resist them, to get off your fat, lazy butt and go to yoga class?  The power of negative attraction.  Negative attitudes and emotions are like black holes in space, so powerful that they swallow everything that passes in front of their mouths, so even light cannot escape.

     

    Resisting them demands much mental strength and supreme control.  By regularly practicing Hatha Yoga and developing your faith, self-control, determination, concentration, and patience, you can break those powerful distractions…..”  Bikram Choudhury

     

    If you take nothing else from this section, know that each time you are about to change an old negative habit you are going against something 9 times stronger than the positive change you are making.

     

    I know this is true, coming from where I have walked; it literally felt like I was going up against an army of negative voices, to one solitary positive force. 

     

    But little by little you find your faith in your Self and your Spirit is walking with you cheering on each time you wrestle another choice from the mind.  It is once again the two choices, mind or you.

     

    Yoga is on your side.

     

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  • One Step

    During the past few yoga sessions, my left hip has been giving me lots of troubles. It is very stiff and sore and really unable to relax and give.

     

    Today while on the floor separate leg stretching pose, I literally told my body to let it go.  Let go of what seems to be in the way of me relaxing.

     

    Of course I knew that I maybe opening a memory or letting a wall down so a memory could surface, but the pain is too intense now to not let it go.  I can’t get further in the pose, for this stiff pain is in the way.

     

    It is stopping me, a blockage, painful stiffness that stops me, like a wall.

     

    Depending upon which side of the wall you are on, you will see a different view.

     

    As a little girl I had to build up a wall to block out the pain and swirling emotions, now that same wall is in the way again.  I may have to see what the wall protected me from, or at least feel it.

     

    If my fear is keeping that wall up, I said today, it is okay, let it go.

     

    As I focus on the pain in my hip and lower back during Fixed Firm, I am pushing against that wall.

     

    In Spine Twisting, the first side is the left side, and I can no longer get my self into that posture well, for the pain in the hip screams and attracts too much attention. 

     

    I have been trying to breathe and relax that hip, but can’t seem to do it, which is why today, I kept repeating, “It is okay now, let it down, and let it go, we are okay.”

     

    I don’t have access to lowering the wall or making a stiff painful joint become fluid, but I can let the body know that I am ready now to get rid of the fear inside of me, to feel what needs to be felt, to express what needs to be expressed.

     

    The time seems right to let go, to surrender and no longer resist seeing what is. 

     

    Tears came while being sung to again by Bikram, they have no direct label on them.  Just a knowing that I was going to make corrections to this body, and we were all right. 

     

    Those hurtful postures seem to be directly related to the pain a young child would feel being raped.  Perhaps that is enough, to feel that pain, again.

     

    I always feel like a child, and comfort myself with knowing arms.  I wonder if someday there will be no more pain in my life, my hips, my body, it seems almost surreal that it could be possible. 

     

    It seems like I am going backwards through the pain, and will I get to where there will be no more pain, just a flexible free strong body.

     

    One step backwards at a time….one step.

     

  • You Decide (day 15)

    I can see the beginning stages of my yoga lady’s final design, how it is being sculpted each day little by little.   New glimpses are being revealed, a straighter arm, chin closer to shoulder, leg higher, forehead touching, knee straighter, balanced longer, daily another section of my yoga lady is being refined.  And I am the sculptor, the designer!

     

    It is like being in the middle of an active Art piece.

     

    What effort I put in today, what strength I bring forth, what concentration I give, will all add its weight in building me into a healthy strong yoga girl.

     

    I could see how paying attention to this one minute or second in each pose is all that matters.  My yoga lady will grow a little in each pose.

     

    You can’t skip the beginning steps, anymore than a builder can leave the foundation and begin on the roof.

     

    It is exciting to actually be right in the middle of being the designer and being the design.  It is awesome.

     

    And only I can stop the design, leave before we get to see what doing yoga each day can do for a body that is 51 years old and overweight. 

     

    Imagine I sculpt myself, or I can lie back down and let my yoga lady design never materialize.

     

    As I faced the mirror today, I truly felt the presence of the designer and the design, and knew that it was up to me to keep this process going, I had to arrive in the studio each day, breathe deeply and then give it my all in each effort, bending and twisting, pulling and stretching, like I am a piece of clay that has sat out too long, it needs to be kneaded into a pliable living breathing  sculpture.

     

    I see two choices, just two small decisions to be made each day. 

     

    A lump of clay or a sculpture, you decide….

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  • Pleased Doing Me Day 14

    I am sitting here with Bikram’s voice continuing on, another class is in session in my house, and I am not doing it.

     

    His voice is encouraging my youngest daughter to put her young body into the same positions I just came from.

     

    Imagine doing this yoga at 19 years old~

     

    I can’t wait to hear how it went.

     

    While I did yoga today, I had a few postures where my mind ran away with my attention, so I was doing them, but not really focusing on the muscles that were being stretched.  It seems for me, I daydream on the floor poses.  When I do this my body doesn’t get 110% benefit.

     

    I also know that when I focus intently, and bring in the breath to help me, my body responds in smiles and high-fives!

     

    Pride spreads throughout my body.

     

    Each day, inch by inch there is progress, certainly no perfect pose pops out, but a wonderful start.

     

    The yoga critic wants to slip in and she is very judgmental and it wants this body to do things it is way not ready for; the critic doesn’t believe in imperfections being perfect.

     

    The critic doesn’t allow for beginners to look like beginners, for old stiff bodies to be old and stiff, leaning into the postures to the best of their abilities.

     

    It is like that loud mouth fan that screams at the player to do better, while never leaving the bench.

     

    I wonder if the yoga critic ever did Bikram yoga?

     

    Who is this critic, where did it come from and just what does it expect from you.  And if you leave the yoga, don’t you think it will follow you and then become a critic of something else?

     

    A critic arrived when I began quilting, actually a bunch, we called them the quilt police, and another arose when I ventured off into the land of Art Quilts, an art critic was born.

     

    I am wondering if the critic is fear based?

     

    Dare to move beyond the words of your worst critic, fear of failing and looking a fool, of disappointing yourself and others, fear of not succeeding, and of not doing it right.

     

    If you listen to the voice you won’t move.  You will stay right where you are, and the critic wins.

     

    You can’t please the critic, but you can be pleased with your self.


    I am pleased doing me!

     

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