I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • No Secrets

    "How come you never talk about a Mom, do you have a Mom?" asked my 4 and a half year old granddaughter?

    "I do have a Mom, but I haven't talked to her in many years," I said.

    "You could call her", she said.

    "Yeah, I could, but I don't want to", I said.

    Why, she asked.

    I then told her that when I was a little girl, some bad things happened, and my mother didn't do things that would have helped.  I didn't go into details. I just then talked about how little children need adults who will help them when bad things happen.  That little children shouldn't be left alone to be in their hurt.

    I told her I would never leave her alone if she was hurting.

    She agreed and gave me a Hug.

    "I love you grandma", she said.

    "I love you too", I said.

     

    As we then continued to work on parts of her Halloween Costume, it came to me, that I would much rather be on this side of the conversation. I am not sure I could handle the opposite.

    How would it be to try and explain in a reasonable account of being okay, or complacent, and even apathetic about sexual abuse to a child.

    I think, many people believe, if they themselves are not party to the abuse, BUT are there, it isn't 'as bad'. 

    I feel good knowing, I won't have to have that conversation – of knowing, but not reacting.

     

    She also asked about brothers and sisters. I told her I had many, but that I no longer talked to them. She again, asked why?

    I told her, there were various reasons for each of them, but that it all came down to being with people that I trusted.

    That sometimes, you choose not to be with people who don't make you feel safe.

    She accepted that.

    I again, felt good being able to show her I have boundaries.

    That I am able to discern who I feel safe with.

    I love the image of having someone older say to you, I have boundaries.

    It is okay to not be with everyone.

    It is okay to feel unsafe and stay away.

    It is okay to set up boundaries and end relationships.

    It is okay to honor your feelings.

     

    I had wondered how the conversation would go, if and when, a grandchild asked.

    The conversation flowed into our space of creating, and was allowed.

    No secrets were formed or kept.

    It was all allowed into the light of day.

    There is a podcast, "Family Secrets" by Dani Shapiro.  And, it shows how secrets alter a child's life, EVEN if they are unaware of them.  

    I love how my 4 and a half year old, noticed and asked.  

    Noticed, that I didn't have a family.

    But, that grandpa did.

    She wondered.

    We think little ones are unaware - when often they are picking up on small details.

    No matter what is the reality in our worlds, it is best everyone knows how things are.

    It is the unknowing – or having to keep a secret, or not being able to talk about things that are not pleasant, that distorts us.

    It doesn't change reality, it changes who we are.

    I want my grandchildren to know that I came from a family of secrets, that I had things that were unknown to me. And, that there were things we didn't talk about.  And, I am not willing to propagate that into my family.

    There is nothing I will not talk about.

    No secrets to keep, or to hold, on my limb of the family tree.

    You can talk to me about all things, always.

     

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    A healthy family carries no secrets. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • “Know My Name”

    I finished reading "Know My Name" by Chanel Miller, a victim of sexual assault.  You perhaps know her perpetrator more than you know her.  Brock Turner assaulted her. She was admittedly blacked out from drinking.  

    This book shows the landscape of victims.  How the justice system works to suppress and minimize the victims, while being so expansive and generous to the perpetrators.

    Her being unaware of her abuse did not lessen its affects.

    Just as children who block it out or whose mind's don't record it are similarly affected just as deeply.

    If you wonder why more victims don't come forth or why there are not more trials for sexual assault, you may become more informed reading this.

    I began listening with a curious mind.

    I wanted to know about the girl in the news.

    Her victim statement has been read millions of times, and her video seen by thousands.

     

    We all need to know more about these crimes and we are educated more, each time a victim shares her story.

    Thank you for showing us who you are and how sexual assault alters who you are.

     

     

  • All perfect

    This Fall weather is simply breathtaking. It is actually hard to go to work, ignoring the facts of what glorious things I could be doing outside.

    I drove along the lakeshore and whimpered at the lake, the colors and the fresh fall air.

    Feeling sorry for myself as I tossed mail.

    Until I had to make a delivery at a home.

    The woman who came to the door was in the midst of cancer treatment, and told me so.

    She spoke of her treatment, and how it appeared that 'it wouldn't get better'.

    My petty anguish vanished.

    Certainly, it would have been a delightful day to be on the water.

    However, it is more incredible to be healthy.

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    She stayed with me.

    She was smiling, and very accepting.

    While I was fighting the mail delivery – instead of kayaking.

    I learned there are often many places we would rather be, and even different lives.

    I was so grateful to be me.

    I settled into the mail.

    Fairly sure I will kayak again.

    Perhaps not today.

    Today, I am grateful to be healthy, and to be so very lucky to be enjoying the fall weather, colors and smells.

    I am going hiking with ladies shortly.

    I sat in an outdoor cafe and worked on my art.

    Life is good, it is incredible.

    Today.

    May I always remember that health is so very important, and when I get spunky about having to work instead of play, may I get reminders to bring me back in focus.

    She rode with me today.

    I held her in my heart.

    Vowing to live more in this moment with my health.

    My health has allowed me a ton of incredible memories. Just in this past summer alone, or even week.

    First Health and the rest is all perfect.

     

     

     

     

  • With Change Comes Loss

    I heard on a podcast, that with change comes loss.  

    Doesn't that make sense?  

    I think harder than adding something new, is losing something old.

     

    Giving up a part of your life that has become comfortable, even in its discomfort.

     

    As our trees turn color, we are experiencing the change of seasons.  One season is over and it leaves, and a new one comes in.

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    We lose Summer for Fall.

    We can fight it in our minds, but nature changes – naturally.

     

    As we endeavor to change our lives, we may fail to recognize the grief of losing something, as we reach for something new.  

    In the waking up to my sexual abuse, I had to let go of the idea of who I thought my family was.

    Lost the cocoon of denial, for the sharp reality of truth.

    Letting go of the whole package of family and its dysfunctional wrapper, was by far harder to do, than reaching toward an unknown future.

    Behind me was a Me, I used to know as well. 

    With me as I changed was grief and uncertainty, and a self that was unfamiliar.

    The new pattern that I was hoping to bring into the generations after me, was knitted together by each action I took, each No spoken, and every relationship I challenged.

    Looking at the overview of my life, I can see that change truly does come with loss.

    Patterns are not changed without a loss.

     

    Which I believe is why most people don't change.  It isn't the new unknown future, but having to say good-bye to the old.

    Even if it is toxic, they know it and know how to navigate within it.

    You also know who you are,  even if it is a stressful role in a dysfunctional relationship.

     

    To walk away from all that you have known, and to allow yourself to be standing on a pinpoint of nothing is very scary.

    You cry for the past as you step into the unknown, a stranger to yourself.

     

    We find comfort in the knowing.

    And, it is very uncomfortable to not know who you are or where you are going, and do it anyway.

    Perhaps, in the case of abuse, it was easier to go, than it would be to stay.

    Once you know the landscape of abuse, and all its unrealities, and perceptions that are wrought with lies, it is impossible to stay and feel secure, or at peace – let alone loved.

     

    Walking as a person, who cast aside her past, in order to start a new pattern was overrun with emotions.

    My insides held the contrasting emotions of grief and freedom.

    The leaving was bitter sweet as they say.

     

    The woman I was, who drove the car, allowing my children to be with a pedophile, was horrifying to know. She had to go.  Her beliefs, thoughts and values, were not healthy. My resolve to change, and to redefine myself led the way.

    Once you are aware of your unawareness, you can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend, that being in the circle of abuse is okay, on any level.

    I was very strict in what I allowed or didn't allow.

    My new pattern's core was love and freedom, peace and joy. 

    First for myself, and then for others.

    Change isn't an overnight event.

    I had to slowly let the old me die, while birthing a new one.

    Saying good-bye and hello.

    The cost of not changing, was to repeat the abuse, by allowing it to happen – unchanged and yet knowing.

    What I believe causes most people to not react when they hear about an abuser they know, is that they don't want to lose what they have.

    Lose a family

    a friend.

    Lose a way of life, a church and faith, a familiarity and core of home – all of which holds a part of you.

     

    It isn't the abuse you are unwilling to let go; but yourself.

    It isn't seeing a new reality that terrifies, but that you may have to let yourself go and redefine a new you.

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    With change comes Loss.

     

    Abuse is passed on from generation to generation, mostly because we don't want to lose who we are and become someone we don't even know.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A Superficial Reality!

    As I thought about the different ways we all see Estrangement, it perhaps is more, how we see the world.

    I go back to Rachael Denhollender and her words, "Can you really know a straight stick, when all you have ever seen are crooked ones?"

    How can you know what love is, if you were raised with abuse?

    If you have never required more, can you know more?

     

    I was raised in a religion that preached the evils outside of it.

    That all hell would break loose if you were to leave, and then even go to hell when you die. Like they knew this with the utmost convictions; while most never stepped outside the circle they were raised.

    How can you know something, without experiencing it?

    This reminds me of Plato's Cave, where they believed the validity of the shadows of the wall, and nothing outside of it.

    Here is a definition of the cave I found. 

     

    "The allegory contains many forms of symbolism used to instruct the reader in the nature of perception. The cave represents superficial physical reality. … The chains that prevent the prisoners from leaving the cave represent that they are trapped in ignorance, as the chains are stopping them from learning the truth."

     

    It truly is like we were all raised in caves, or silos of beliefs, and thinking, and what we call love. The cave colors how we see the world.

    In estrangement, we left the cave.

    It was too painful to stay.

    Once you understood the play of shadows on the wall were not real.

    The love wasn't real.

    I wasn't real.

     

    It is like the shadows were covering up the secrets or dancing in place of the truth.

     

    Outside of family, religion and the truth – the cave – life is different. It shines in technicolor.

    For me at least.

    And, I will be honest, I didn't leave without fear.

    Fear of finding hell or its close cousin.

     

    It truly was like going to another planet.

    And, becoming a new person.

    I had to walk and talk and be different than I had been in the cave.

    In fact, the mind I used to believe in shadows was useless in reality.

    I had to use a mind that sought the truth.

    I used to seek the fullness of reality.

    My mind was used to relating to the superficial.  I had to tap reality to be here now. Not in a pretend world that my mind could quickly conjured up.

     

    Estrangement is actually freedom from the cave of unreality.

    Or, denial – ignorance.

     

    This is why I see Estrangement as a good thing.

    A positive move in my world, to leave behind the chains of ignorance and a superficial world.

    What I can't impress upon the most, is truly how superficial it is. How there is nothing to grasp on to. How different our minds are.

    One mind believes the superficial is reality.

    The other mind believes only reality.

    There is no common ground for these two minds, as far as I have found.

     

    And, as Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time."

    Regardless of what your mind believes, reality runs along unscathed by your belief in a superficial reality.

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    Photo by Julia Griffith Clayton

  • Superficial Reality

    As I thought about the different ways we all see Estrangement, it perhaps is more, how we see the world.

    I go back to Rachael Denhollender and her words, "Can you really know a straight stick, when all you have ever seen are crooked ones?"

    How can you know what love is, if you were raised with abuse?

    If you have never required more, can you know more?

     

    I was raised in a religion that preached the evils outside of it.

    That all hell would break loose if you were to leave, and then even go to hell when you die. Like they knew this with the utmost convictions; while most never stepped outside the circle they were raised.

    How can you know something, without experiencing it?

    This reminds me of Plato's Cave, where they believed the validity of the shadows of the wall, and nothing outside of it.

    Here is a definition of the cave I found. 

     

    "The allegory contains many forms of symbolism used to instruct the reader in the nature of perception. The cave represents superficial physical reality. … The chains that prevent the prisoners from leaving the cave represent that they are trapped in ignorance, as the chains are stopping them from learning the truth."

     

    It truly is like we were all raised in caves, or silos of beliefs, and thinking, and what we call love. The cave colors how we see the world.

    In estrangement, we left the cave.

    It was too painful to stay.

    Once you understood the play of shadows on the wall were not real.

    The love wasn't real.

    I wasn't real.

     

    It is like the shadows were covering up the secrets or dancing in place of the truth.

     

    Outside of family, religion and the truth – the cave – life is different. It shines in technicolor.

    For me at least.

    And, I will be honest, I didn't leave without fear.

    Fear of finding hell or its close cousin.

     

    It truly was like going to another planet.

    And, becoming a new person.

    I had to walk and talk and be different than I had been in the cave.

    In fact, the mind I used to believe in shadows was useless in reality.

    I had to use a mind that sought the truth.

    I used to seek the fullness of reality.

    My mind was used to relating to the superficial.  I had to tap reality to be here now. Not in a pretend world that my mind could quickly conjured up.

     

    Estrangement is actually freedom from the cave of unreality.

    Or, denial – ignorance.

     

    This is why I see Estrangement as a good thing.

    A positive move in my world, to leave behind the chains of ignorance and a superficial world.

    What I can't impress upon the most, is truly how superficial it is. How there is nothing to grasp on to. How different our minds are.

    One mind believes the superficial is reality.

    The other mind believes only reality.

    There is no common ground for these two minds, as far as I have found.

     

    And, as Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time."

    Regardless of what your mind believes, reality runs along unscathed by your belief in superficial reality.

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    Photo by Julia Griffith Clayton

  • Enough to leave

    The sentiment about estrangement, is often misread. It is believed, that we leave our families for a worse life. That we are choosing to live a life of pain and suffering, loneliness and grief. And, that there is no way life can rebound into something Better than being with family.

    Mostly, it is hard for many to wrap their minds around the idea that life being estranged IS better than life with family.

    What many fail to acknowledge is who we are leaving.

    Or, what we are giving up.

    And, even more, what we are gaining.

     

    Estrangement is complex, and typically happens when adult children recognize the toxicity of their childhoods.

    We are choosing love over hurt.

    We are not asking them to change, we are changing our lives.

     

    I did not leave a loving environment.

    I am not going from peace to into hell.

    I am not leaving the light for the dark.

     

    Estrangement is seen as being a negative.

    However, in my experience it has been positive.

     

    How can it not be?

     

    Not only for myself, but also for the generations behind me.

     

    It is up to each of us to decide what our legacy will be, how we live our lives, what our relationships will hold and how we live out our own truths.

    There is a direct correlation between choice and outcome.

    I love the laws of the universe, they will not be fooled.

     

    It is a drastic measure to leave family relationships behind.  That is the cost sometimes needed in order to feel love.

    Love of self.

    And, without that, you truly can't love anyone else.

     

    My landscape of estrangement is love.

     

    "How is that working for you", was a question thrown at me in derision by my brother.

    His view of my life is so completely different, than mine.

    His view of me, is not my view of me.

    Estrangement can be seen in two different ways, depending upon where you stand.

     

    It is working for me in countless healthy ways.

    Love, and being able to love, is the most remarkable.

     

    Estrangement often is the cost for love.

    How can you quantify that?

    To live among family without love, would not be living at all.

     

    And, to live with love so bright, it often hurts my eyes.

    I love love.

    I love that I can feel it deep in my cells for me.

    And, for those I love.

    I love that my love allows others to be free.

     

    Yes, estrangement is working well for me. I love its peace and its joy.  I love knowing that I can do hard stuff, that I have the courage to stand up for what is true for me. 

    I love that I can see my brother looking at me derision and even hate.

    I see him disproving of my life and me.

    It makes complete sense standing where we are standing.

    Loving what is.

    Estrangement is beautiful.

    My life is completely different than when I was part of the family. 

    I am completely different than when I was in my family circle.

    And, who I am today, is light years from whence I came.

    I love who I am, and I love my life.

    Estrangement is loving yourself enough to leave.

     

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  • What is a Girl Worth?

    I listened to "What is a Girl Worth" by Rachael Denhollander, her story of breaking the silence and exposing the truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics.

    This books shows how it seems impossible stop abuse, but how it can be done.

    If you ever wondered, why victims remain silent, or why it takes so many years to come forward, this may answer some of those questions. 

    She waited 16 years for the right opportunity.

    I was emotional in many parts.  

    Parts where she acknowledges the cost of doing what is right.

    Of knowing something is evil by recognizing what is not.

    If you can't see evil, there is a good chance you have no idea what is not.

    And, do we all know what is the right thing to do – truly.

    Do you know what is right, only when abuse happens outside of your circle?

    But, can you see what the right thing to do is, when it happens, among those you know.

     

    When you have the opportunity to act, do you?

    It also shows how much doesn't change.

    How organizations are slow to own their part in creating a culture of abuse.

    The blindspots many of us can have, when it comes to someone we know.

     

    Mostly, this book affirms my understanding of how the landscape of abuse looks and operates, and how.

     

    While I believe I have done what is the right thing to do, it has not come without a cost.

    I also believe, that abuse continues to flourish among many families within the culture of abuse in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    It does, because so many fail to see the evil among them.

    Fail to see the crooked stick, for they have not seen a straight one.

    Rachael knew she wasn't alone, and she knew there had to be hundreds, but was blown away to see what over a hundred looked like all when faces and bodies were gathered together.

    To see all the girls/women who too were abused by Larry, as they gathered to give their impact statements.

    But, what healing power to be with each other as they broke their silences.  Their power was taken back as they spoke up.

    It is my hope, that some day, the right day and opportunity will arise, for so many silent voices to rise against the church that blesses these sins away.

    I understand, the cost of doing the right thing.

    And, more I understand the cost of doing nothing.

    Abuse doesn't go away because we chose to look away.

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    What is a girl worth in the eyes of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church?  Who has more power than a little girl in the church?  When will a child, for I know boys too are abused, be considered more valuable then an adult?  The culture of male dominance alone is the perfect breeding ground for abuse.

    What is a girl worth?

     

     

     

     

  • Time Tapestry

    On a podcast a while ago, a question was asked, "How do you see time in your mind?"

    And, the conversation discussed, how much time do you typically see ahead of you in your mind, or where is it located and how is it organized etc.

    My time is a day at a glance, that is often reduced to hours and even just on the lip of this moment in time.

    Time is up and on the right side of my head.  

    There may be an event or two up ahead, but they are blurry – just out there.

     

    Sometimes, time seems to fly by.

    Often for me it goes unnoticed.

    Unmarked and unremarkable.

    And, actually at work, I will race with time, IF I am focused on it.

    If I am quilting, I will lose huge sections of time.

     

    Time can carry weight or become inconsequential.

     

    Time is also marked by memories.

    How much time has passed since a certain memorable event happened.

    Often time holds the measure as to how much we have changed and/or our lives.

     

    There have been moments in my life, where the passage of time was sad.

    Where I couldn't believe it would keep marching along, when my life was so broken.

    It trudged on, separating me from my old life uncaringly.

     

    A past wedding, evokes hope in love.

    A past death, brings up good memories and sadness.

    A relationship that was broken, brings up astonishment that it truly is over.

     

    Time does have an organizing mission.

    It does keep us on track and piles up our memories by date.

     

    What I am finding, I no longer spend oodles of time in the past, nor fretting about the impending future.

    With my day at a glance, or an hour at a glance in my mind, I pay more attention to right now.

    I am shocked by the volumes of time that has piled up while I live for today.

     

    As I look backward upon my estrangement from family, especially the most recent break with my brother, I am shocked that 4 years have gone by in a flash.

    It does take time to readjust to the absence of a relationship.

    The times where I wanted to talk, to call, to check in, to inquire….are now gone.

    There is a blank wall of time that now separates us.

    My life has continued on.  He is able, if he chooses to catch glimpses of mine via social media.

    He blocked me out of his. So what I see of his life is a dark passage of time. A silent movie of nothing.

     

    I see less, and hear less of what is going on in my family of origin, and time passes on.

     

    The separation is real.

     

    And yet, my brother's question to me, "how is that working for you" echoes.

    It is working just fine.

    My life, and theirs, have moved on.

    Mine is different.

    Astonishing so.

    My time is fully used up with so much of what I love and with whom I love.

    With very little, stress and angst of dysfunction present.

    Most, is within me.

     

    I am very respectful of time, and its passage, and how it does seems to speed by.

    I am living life in tune with truth and authenticity and love.

    My soul is at rest in time.

    I do each day what feels right for me.

    I see less time and more and more of what brings me love, peace and joy.

    Knowing, there will be days, where time drags by, when sorrow has gripped me yet again.

    Days, where life changes, someone passes, a relationship breaks, etc.

    Life is marked by time, but it is the emotions we enjoy in each moment of time, that makes our lives.

    I see piles of beautiful emotions behind me.

    Even the darkest lend depth and learning to my life's journey.

    Making time for what I love, creates a beautiful passage of time tapestry.

     

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    Photograph by Hannah Kling

     

  • WIND

    WIND – Women In New Directions, is turning 7 years old (young).  I don't recall if our first meeting was in August, or September – but it was in 2012, shortly after the Dial Help Gala where I was the keynote speaker.

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    From the very beginning I began to meet new women.

    Women that I would not otherwise have had the opportunity to spend time with.

    Our paths crossed in moments where we needed each other's courage to move in a new direction. 

    I thought I was doing this to give back, adding to our community. 

    Instead I was giving this to me.

    Giving to me, women who have accompanied me as I grew, and stretched in to new places.

    Seven years ago I was feeling fairly well inside. I knew who I was – or more –  who I wasn't.

    I had left many old relationships and circles I had been part of, and was making my way onto new pathways.

     

    The greatest part of WIND is the women who gather each week. Women whose life journey hasn't been one of their dreams, or that their lives have worked out perfectly.

    I gather with many resilient and strong women whose dreams were crushed and still they reach for love and joy. Women who are adaptable to change.

    They are willing to grow and change directions, gathering up new dreams and goals.

     

     

    We gather in Art and Creativity. Expressing ourselves, learning new techniques, and playing with color and design.  Spending time exploring the world of Art and ourselves.

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    This summer we took our art outside, due to the wonderful weather we have been having; and leaving our mark in Nature.

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    And, nature left its mark on us, restoring our inner balance and bringing us peace.

     

    We have been slowly adding activities and learning more about our area trails and natural resources.

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    We get outside in all weather, becoming 4 season girls!

    I am amazed at what we all have added; and how much each activity has added to our lives.  We also see the seasons now as to what fun activity will get to enjoy!

    I for one, am no longer 'surviving' the cold months or even the hot and buggy ones, I am enjoying what each one has to offer.

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    We often meet on Sunday Mornings for an extra fun event.  I call it My Church.  

    The overflow from WIND is how much of these activities I have brought into my life for the rest of the week.  Which have added to what I do with my family now.  Introducing many of these activities to the next generations. 

    I am so grateful to have such a full spectrum of things I love to do!

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    And, we also have gone camping!

    Which offers us a whole weekend of doing things we love to do.  

    And, we have connected with women in Ontonagon, who have shared their area with us.

    Our latest adventure had us exploring a shipwreck near the shore in Lake Superior. A wooden coal boat that sunk back in the early 1900's.

     

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    What I know for sure, is that my life is richer with all the friends I have met through WIND and I am a person of more depth because of the women I have met and their lives they have shared with me.

    Who I am as a person is so much different, having been part of WIND for 7 years.

    Here's to more adventures, more fun and new friends!

    Thanks to all the women who have participated; there would be no WIND without each of you!

    Each comes just as they are, and fit in perfectly.

    WIND certainly has lived up to its name, we truly have become women in new directions!