I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Most Gorgeous thing of all

    On Instagram Mirna Valerio asked,

    "Tell me how you came to love your body. Tell me how you love what your body has been and is able to do? Tell me how your body amazes you every day. Tell me how your body has defied expectations (both your own, and others). Tell me how you encourage others to love their bodies. I want to know your story of body love and honor. If you don't have a body love story yet, that's okay. Take the opportunity to read others' stories and be inspired, motivated and encouraged. Look at your own life and make a plan for how you will try to love yourself a little more each day."  Mirna

    I love this.

    Isn't that an interesting story, "How I came to love my body."  

    The more popular story is why I don't love my body.

     

    How I came to love my body, was when I was 46 years old.  By then a mother of 4 children, overweight and fairly inactive.

    It wasn't that my body suddenly deserved love, but rather I was made aware of how it carried my truth.

    I loved and honored my body, not for its size or shape, but rather for its wisdom.

    I became aware of the soft body within the body.

    The world of feelings and unexpressed emotions.

    The awakening to my innocence filled me with worth.

    It was the polar opposite of how I had viewed myself prior.

    I loved my wounded little girl and her wise body.

    She came before the good opinion of others.

    Before their needs and what would please them.

    This wounded messed up girl unraveled herself using her body as her guide.

    I loved the wisdom stored within my body.

    I am not certain, who I loved first, the neglected little girl or the wise body.

    It appeared as one.

    What I want most for others to know, is that they are worthy and that their truth is priceless and that their bodies are wise with truth.

    For years I worked on re-working a new pattern of living for me.

    And, slowly began adding activities that I now love.

    I love what my body does for me.

    It is beyond what my heart can hold.

    They are all seemingly small things; but are life altering.

    Just the feelings of Me loving Me is life changing.

    Imagine a life where your very starting point in all things, is love.

    It makes all of life infused with love, peace and joy.

    I know that with this self love comes the courage to be disliked, as a title of a book states.

    The courage to be my self always.

    I simply can't imagine living any other way.

    I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, and how I feel about me IS what I bring to each of them.

    I love my mind for what it has gone through and its ability to rewire and re-string new meanings of life. I love its ability to change its beliefs.

    I love my body for all the incredible things it allows me to enjoy. A million sensations in a day.

    I love the story of how I came to love my body.

    I came to love it first through feelings of sorrow, grief, and pain beyond what my mind could hold. 

    I felt the darkest and learned that the depth of sorrow would also be the depth of joy.

    I honor my body by living the truth of what is.

    I don't see my body as a size or a shape. 

    I see it as an incredible complex and vital part that holds love.

    It is the vehicle that allows me to experience life.

    The vast wonders and levels of living.

    The million ways to love.

     

    My granddaughter and I began stating what we loved most about our day before going to bed.

    Last night, she misspoke and called it our gorgeous things.

    "Grandma, what was the most gorgeous thing today?"

    She's almost 4 and its about Mommy, kitties and me.

    I love that we lay and reflect before falling asleep about our gorgeous things.

    How I came to love my body is the most gorgeous thing of all.

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  • Not to lose it.

    There is a thought, that when we leave the church, we then become "lost souls".  And I can understand how this image appears in their minds. 

    However, I am quite certain there are also found souls.  

    Souls who have found themselves by eliminating the middleman.  By stepping out in the world, beyond religion.

    It is scary, and very freeing, at the same time.

    The hardest part is that we are often seen as detached and perhaps 'unsaved' or, a foreigner in their land.

    We become the 'other'.  

    Whereas prior we were one of them.  Often categorized as "the right church" or the "True" religion, part of God's church and his saved children, etc.

    It is like you are going from the popular group, to the unpopular group; from the chosen to the unchosen.

    We have chosen now to be 'unsaved' or, willing to be in hell and not heaven.

     

    I truly do not feel lost at all.

    Or, unsaved.

    Or, that I am heading to hell when I die.

     

    It is weird to be out on your own in the world unaffiliated.

    To live life as a free agent.

    I am sure it is as strange to see us without a religion, as it is for some of us, to see them with one.  

    There are two different schools of thought, and we are no longer matching.

     

    Some, who have never tried living life without a religion, find it very hard and even unimaginable to be living without one.

     

    It was a foreign concept to me too.

    As I said, it is a very scary process to leave the religion of your childhood.  Or, to leave the path that feels secure and so inclusive by God and others. 

    To have none of the old reassurances about life and death.

    To dare and step off the path, into the land of the unknown.

    Into the same land that is preached against.

    We are walking among what many would now call "Unbelievers".

    Or, lost souls.

    And, to be sure, I did feel lost at the beginning. Until I realized that God didn't live in the church.  And, I wasn't only valuable with a the religion franchise.

    Perhaps it was when I discovered I didn't leave God behind, it became less scary.

     

    I can understand the sentiment, that I would be lost without religion. For it does appear to be the truth, when you feel so identified with the religion.  

    It was a huge identifier of who I was, until it wasn't.

    I would even say, in my case, it stole my identity.

    It was more me, than Me.

    My individual thoughts and desires were drowned out by the religion's preferences.

    I found me underneath the layers of beliefs.

    And, I also found, that my life didn't run amuck, when I no longer believed in the faith.

    I wasn't walking hand and hand with the devil.

    I didn't become evil, etc.

    I actually became more thoughtful and present. 

    I am eager to see how others see the world and even death.

    I am open to learning new ways of spirituality.

    I am less judgmental and more inquisitive about other ways of life.

    And, just plain curious to the human journey and how we are nurtured into different faiths and how they have impacts on how we live and see others.

    I am learning how often religion is given, or forced upon us as children and spirituality something we can discover on our own.  

    Spirituality isn't franchised either.

    Religion is often fear based. Fear of what will happen if you leave or when you die etc.

    Spirituality feels more about the present and true self.

    It is true I have lost the connection I felt within the church.

    I have lost the respect.

    I have lost the faith in their message.

    I have lost the trust in their actions.

    I have lost the belief in their way.

    But, I did not lose my soul when leaving there.

    I feel that I have found it.

    I did not realize the weight and burden of the religion until I set it down

    The sheer load of unworthiness or the identifier of 'sinner' dragged me down.

    Outside of this belief I found my self worth.

    In fact, oddly the sentiments of the religion about Self, mirrored or echoed the feelings of abuse.

    Perhaps because I discovered my abuse the same time I left the church, I could see the connection being equal.

    Regardless, I within myself, felt my soul's worth outside of the religion.

    The correlation between the dysfunctional family and how I needed to be and how I was viewed when I challenged its beliefs, equaled that of the religious community.

    The two most powerful sources that created my self worth, were both equally dysfunctional.

    So, when I hear that I am a lost soul or perceived as one, I would have to say, my soul was lost both in my family and religion.  

    However, once I stepped into my own power and began to see and challenge things, I found it.

    It stood with me as I walked into the dark.

    I was never alone upon leaving.

    Perhaps even, I had to leave both places because they were hurting my soul.

    I didn't lose my soul for leaving, but rather was led by my soul.

    We walked together into the unknown.

    Knowing that what we were leaving no longer, if ever, was healthy for my spirit.

    I left to save my soul, not to lose it.

     

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  • Right to Criticize Me

    Mostly I blog or write on here to sort out my mind, and to place unanswered questions, I write to unscramble frustrations.  I am doing this mostly for me.  And, most often by the end of the blog, I have a new awareness.

    Sometimes, I just want the record of the days news or history or to keep a new understanding written down.

    I want evidence, if you will, how prevalent sexual abuse is within church communities, how I am NOT the anomaly that many accused me of being.

    Perhaps I too, want my voice to be heard, in my voice.

    To write what most won't listen to.

    I write about my experiences, and my insights, and my viewpoint.

    I write to bring to light to an area that has been in the dark.

    That operates in the dark.

    That needs there to be silence and no one talking about it.

    Where no one challenges the faithful.

    I am willing to get the flack for speaking out.

    Which is why so many are silent.

    I want to be the prod to make others think differently.

    For I could have used a prod years ago.

    Someone has to be the one to speak up.

    To ask the tough questions.

    To be willing to be seen as 'short sighted' or how little I know.

    I deleted a Facebook post, which I should have kept.

    It is amazing how they will come full guns upon me, instead of going where the real trouble is.

    That church isn't about Man.

    Really?

    It is about God.

    Yet, the man is who is in the churches sexually abusing.

    You have to put your God down for a moment and deal with this.

    God isn't going anywhere.

    What I am trying to tell you all, is that while you are worshiping your God, Man is running around abusing the children. 

    What can we do about this?

    What can you do?

    The sheer frustration to me, is that you will continue to worship and go and see God, regardless of what is going on underneath.

    The underneath needs attention.

    It needs you to stop and refocus your attention.

    God can take care of himself, the children cannot.

     

    I can't even begin to remember my old faith, the way I was unwilling to place anything before it. I can't know what would have shook me out of that faithfulness. Well, what did was my niece saying Grandpa touched me.

    It was abuse within my family.

    And, perhaps the closeness that echoed in me.

    But, what will it literally take.

    Hollering back at me is not the answer.

    Belittling me isn't going to work neither.

     

    What do I know.

    I know, that if you the truly faithful continue on being faithful, it doesn't affect the lives of the abused.

    What I needed as a child, were church members to be horrified.

    To not keep up the image of the goodness of the church.

    I needed them to get rid of the darkness it operated within.

    I needed light upon what was making us all traumatized.

    I needed the good christians to have been more concerned about the children than their relationship with God.

     

    There has to be a way for you all to keep your God and to protect the children.

    There has to be answers.

    A new way.

    As I have said a thousand times before, you can't keep doing what the generations before you did, and expect things to change.

    Abuse isn't going to stop itself.

    Abusers will not decide one day to stop abusing.

    Children are being molested and we have to find ways to not be co-conspirators by our inactions.

     

    I walked out of my church.

    I walked out of my family.

    I didn't do these things because I hated God.

    I didn't leave God, I left due to the fact that abuse wasn't being dealt with, at all.

    In fact, the very nature of the church's business was to forgive the 'sins' abuse that the perpetrators did upon the children.

    This was too much for me to handle.

    I didn't leave my family cause I stopped loving them.

    I left because their actions were not going to stop abuse from happening again.

     

    I needed to change what I was doing, in order to be the end of the abuse cycle in my life.

     

    I can't see how doing the same thing you did prior to knowing of the abuse, will affect change.

    I can't, and I can't not speak out to women who are perplexed and outraged at the volume of abuse, and YET, they are not making life changes in their own lives.

    I get it.

    Change is hard.

    Looking deeply into what is going on and how your actions may or may not be a contributing factor is hard. But, WHO IS GOING TO STOP ABUSE?

    It feels like the apathy is winning.

    The faithful are remaining faithful.

    How is it going to be stopped?

    I have been told repeatedly to keep speaking out, keep being brave, keep having the courage and to keep this blog going.

    Really?

    To what end?

    What changes have others made in their lives that will stop the cycles from picking up speed.

    The numbers in the catholic church that have been exposed, by a few States doing the investigating, are the tip of the iceberg in that religion.

    That religion.

    That one religion.

    What about the others.

    What about the church you attend?

    What about within the circle of your friends and community?

    What are you willing to give up to save a child from having to experience trauma?

    Go ahead and blast me, I don't care.

    I have had more wrath than I ever expected to be sent my way for speaking up.

    But, at the end of the day, you all sit with your actions, your God and your religion.

    You get to see how your life is preventing abuse or enabling it.

    I am not mad, I am frustrated more at the non-abusing folks than at the abusers almost.

    It takes a village to keep the darkness dark.

    My one blog isn't loud enough to shake the foundations upon which you all stand.

    What will topple the cycles of abuse?

    What will make it harder for abusers to abuse?

    Will it matter to them if you are diligently worshiping your God?

    Will it matter to them if you are keeping the family close and unchallenged?

    Will it matter to them if they see how you forgive and forget?

    Know, that the abusers are watching you.

     

    And more, the children are watching you too.

    What will they see you doing?

    I can't know, if I have done enough to stop abuse in my family's tree, from my life. From the lives of my children and grandchildren.

    I can't know if what I have done is enough.

    Or, what more can I do.

    I can know is that I am trying

    I am sharing how abuse is seen from the eyes of a victim.

    What is helpful and then not helpful.

    I can be outspoken in my life and hope that at the very least, there are no dark places.

    Will my new pattern be enough?

    Will there be more generations beneath me who is still abused?

    Will what I have done, matter?

    I believe, based on what I needed my mother to do, that it is a start in the right direction.

    I am doing what I wished would have been done for me.

    At the very least, look at your pattern, your cycle and see if there are changes from when you were a child. 

    As I sit here today, as I sit here with myself, I am at peace that I have tried.

    I have done what I can to change the pattern in the cycle of abuse within my life span.

    I can only affect my life.

    Each of you will have to do the same within your own life cycles.

    This blog has not been for naught.

    It has allowed me the space to unravel and old pattern and reconstruct a new one.

    The me who began this blog was not the me who is sitting here today.

     I M perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

    This is my rendition of trying to stop the cycle of abuse.

    Certainly there were places I could have done better, but at least I am in the arena trying to wrestle this beast.  

    Only those in the arena with me have the right to criticize me.

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Theodore Roosevelt 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Faithful

    As another church scandal hits the news, another almost 300 priests are named in sexual abuse cases in Texas, how can this religion, NOT be smeared?

    How can its validity still stand strong?

    Seriously, I am asking how its content can still be a container of hope, love etc?

    How can good people stay?

    Or maybe, what will it take for you to go?

    I sincerely can't understand how you can keep the faith separated from the sexual abuse that is so prevalent within it.

     

    I had a conversation with a woman from another church, (not catholic) who was abused say 50 years ago, and she was telling me about how it has gotten so much worse.  

    And, I asked her, "how can you stay in a church knowing that so much abuse is going on?" And, she said, it isn't the church.

    I asked her to tell me how she can hold them both, but in two separated containers.

    How can you have this undying faith and belief in a system that YOU KNOW has not stepped in and stopped abuse.

    She herself knows that the leaders have been abusers. And, yet she has faith in it.

    Faith in what?

    How can the system whose leaders abuse, still be something to be faithful to?

    How can you separate it into two cans, the abuse and the faith?

    Seriously asking?

    I truly do not get it.

    I am mind blown when talking with folks who still remain so fervently faithful AFTER knowing about the abuse inside their faith.

    How can catholics hold the system, the faith, separated from the abuse.

    How can it NOT touch the faith, when the leaders are doing the abusing?

    And, the old adage, we are all sinners, is not an answer.

    Just as someone told me, no sin is too big to forgive, when talking about my father sexually abusing little girls.

    Seriously.

    IF that is what your faith teaches, do you not see it as a problem or perhaps a benefit to those abusing inside of your faith?

    What I am losing faith for, or hope in, is the non- abusing to leave.

    When will it be enough?

    How many children will it take to make you seriously look upon the faith you are holding dear?

    And further more, how can that same faith not hold the trauma of all the children that have suffered in the name of God, in the hope of you going to heaven one day.

    I just don't get it.

    It makes sense to me that pedophiles abuse children, that is what they do.

    What doesn't make sense is good hearted women (and men) staying. 

    I just don't get it.

    Certainly the God you believe in, would want you to at some point take a stand.

    At some point walk away from systems who repeatedly abuse and cover up, who continue to make a new victim over and over again.

    How can you not be mixed in the mixture of abuse, coverup and knowing?

    You are playing a part in the whole culture of sexual abuse.

     

    In each abuse scandal that happens, the very large and focal ones we all see, the similar refrain that weaves itself through, is how many knew.

    How many knew and did not report.

    Or, how many knew and forgave them.

    The victims stand, abused again, when they discover that good people knew and did nothing.

    Meaning, they did not exit the church.

    They did not give names to the police.

    They did not show some sign of being anguished by the fact that abuse was going on.

    If only, the good hearted would leave.

    If they would lead the way out of the abuse.

    If they would show the victims, that their lives mattered enough to go.

    I sat across from the woman whose whole life was led by the church she believes in, whose whole life she tried to be as good as she can be, whose whole life was littered by the acts of forgiveness, her intentions, faithful.

    And, yet. 

    She wasn't able to take a stand.

    Against what is soiling her religion.

    Instead, she remains faithful.

    Obedient.

    Compliant.

    Steadfast.

    A member of a church that continues to not make it their business to look into matters of abuse.

    Now tell me what is she a member of?

    She doesn't see her forgiveness as being an instrument that keeps the pedophiles washed white as snow.

    She doesn't see her ability to hold their sins in one container and the ideal of the faith in another.

    Isn't that like holding on to  the highest potential, even when there is little evidence to hold it.

    Like loving what some one could be, not what some one is.

    What is the real picture of these churches?

    What is the real content?

    While you are holding on to the picture of wholeness, of good, of hope, of love, you are not seeing the abused children.

    Perhaps these are not your children, not in your circle, not this or not that, but the fact remains, the system you have faith in, which guides your life, IS also a smoothly operating system that systematically has for decades and decades, kept in the dark the facts they have known.

    Sexual abuse is prevalent inside.

    It isn't like the leaders are shocked.

    They have helped keep the darkness, by covering up the abuse.

    And, I can't but help see you as co-conspirators, for you too know and do not leave.

     

    In all my years of trying to figure out the landscape of abuse, the part that stumbles me the most, is those who are unable to move.

    Unable to change their minds.

    Unable to see that there is only one container.

    One reality.

     

    I find that the most faithful, the most diehard believers are the most frustrating.

    Their believing minds will not accept another thought that contradicts what they were taught to believe.

    As the quote says, "A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still."

    There is a mind blockage that keeps them from moving differently than they have all these years.

    Something inside of them refuses to give up on their religion, refuses to see that IF it can knowingly coverup sexual abuse against children, IT has very little value.

    How can it maintain value after decades of coverup?

    How?

    So, in the wake of another headline, what will leave me most confounded, is the lack of movement from the faithful.

     

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  • Circle of Abuse

    "Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."

     

    What many fail to recognize is how their own upbringing is a contributing factor in how they perceive victims.  And, worse how they view rapists.

    How they have been taught to look at the woman.

    What was she wearing, what was she doing, what was her state of mind, is she promiscuous, etc.

    The women are the first to go on trial in a rape case.

    And, sadly even children victims are doubted in child sexual assault cases.

    So many folks are unaware of their own direction of questioning in how it creates the landscape making it easy for rapist to move around, appearing 'normal' – rape culture. 

    If you can muddy up and messy up the woman's character, you can make her appear worse than the rapist.  

    You can make her appear mental, slutty, and discount the concepts of repressed memories, or trauma induced amnesia.  You can focus on her drunkenness and dress and make it appear that any man would be UNABLE to resist rape.

    Really?

    Part of the rape culture, is believing that men have no control over their own bodies, that women control their sexual urges.

    Period.

    That there are no men with common sense, and real character and morals and values. Men who find no pleasure in overpowering or even having relations with a woman who is unconscious, drunk etc.

    There are many facets to how each of us contribute to the culture of rape, by how we respond.

    In what direction do our thoughts and feelings flow.

    My experience in talking about sexual abuse, is that it is quite rare for an abuser to admit it and very rare for the abuser to go unsupported.

    For him to be cast out of the circle of his influence.

    Instead, he has many making excuses, forgiving and forgetting, and rebuilding his character up around his crime.

    Or, simply many who will not end their relationship with him, being a good friend, good son and daughter or a forgiving wife etc. 

    It is rare that anyone holds him accountable.

    The focus is misdirected to the victim and they will show evidence in how she carries the blame. Victim blaming is distorting the crime.

    As a victim, I can see the culture more clearly based upon my own experience. Based upon who stood up for whom and how I was treated.

    What is also hard to find is the piece of ground for commonality.

    There truly are two sides. One victim blaming and shaming and the other holding the abuser/rapist accountable.

    Can there be even a tiny place where we can all agree?

    Perhaps that a crime was done.

    But, until and unless you place the blame where the blame lies, you will not see a criminal.

    You will see a friend, a cousin, a brother, a dad, a husband or wife. 

    My other thought is, is it kinder to overlook and look around the flaws in someone's character that is capable of raping women?  

    Is it kinder and more conducive to a family to overlook and forgive abuse?

    Why is there a rape culture?

    How did it ever make sense to support the man, no matter what?

    Why was it easier to throw the woman under the bus, in order to keep the system going?

    Here is another thought.

    What is the cost of recognizing that your friend, father, or brother or husband IS a rapist.

    What will it mean in to your world. To fully bring it in.

    To drop all manner of pretense and just sit with the reality of his actions?

    How much of what you have built up in life will now have to be re-examined.

    How much of you would have to change to bring this in?

    How many relationships would you lose if you supported victims?

    What so many fail to realize is that each latest victim, just doesn't appear to be the one to support, perhaps next time. Perhaps she will be of great value, more valuable than the friendship or relationship or Faith.

    Will there really ever be a time where the victim's life will mean more than yours?

    Ever?

    What I came to learn, was that until I was able to see and empathize with a victim, I too was unable to grant the rapist his true responsibility.

    I didn't see me first as a victim.

    I instead saw a child.

    Then, I saw myself as a child.

    And, then I saw victims.

    And, with more horror, the Rape Culture.

    Of the many who unwittingly are playing into the hands of rapists everywhere.

    If this blog, could open one eye to see what they are doing, it would be worth it all.

    My crying appeal, once I saw was " I See too Much".

    Yet, reality and I were one.

    I no longer will pretend to pretend to pretend.  

    For it isn't kinder.

    It is to be part of the rape culture.  

    Part of the criminal circle of abuse.

     

    Here is the link, that restarted the conversation about Ben Johnson – Convicted Rapist- registered sex offender.

    https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/crime/crime-and-courts/2018/12/20/cincinnati-cyclones-player-parole-sexually-assaulting-teen/2378474002/

     

     

  • Keep it in the dark.

    As I followed along on a Facebook feed, my feelings were of frustration.

    https://www.facebook.com/catherine.haataja/posts/10218743622122398?comment_id=10218760461623375&notif_id=1547850850956528&notif_t=feed_comment_reply

    Frustration of two different viewpoints not really understanding the other.

    Their intentions to be heard, fell on deaf ears; neither side making inroads into a topic that is hard to speak about, let alone hear.

    Sexual assault victims

    Convicted rapist

    And, those of us looking at it from the outside.

    Who do you believe and what side are you going to speak from.

    What is unusual about this case, is that even if the court of the land found him guilty, some are still unbelievers. Some place equal parts guilt upon the 16 year old girl; where she was, and her drunken state.

    What many fail to appreciate, is how they are unintentionally contributing to the rape culture. 

    Did you know, when you question the actions of the victim, you are trying to lessen the blame the rapist holds.

    Did you know when you place doubts on the courts, you are trying to get us to see his innocence.

    Did you know you are ignoring his rape, when you agree that he is a young man of faith and character. Besides, give me one common denominator between a rapist and a man of character.

    Did you know when you are arguing with those who are concerned about his release, you are ignoring the threat he is.

    Did you know, we know we will be challenged MORE, than you are challenging his reputation, and speak out anyway. Trying to break the culture of rape. Trying to break the silence of victims and to support them.

    Did you know, victims of sexual assault KNOW you will be gunning for them, when they speak up about your friend, a church member, a family member, and still they do so, in order to help save another girl from meeting the rapist unaware.

    Did you know, that victims are speaking up, not to wreck a reputation or ruin someone's character, or for the money. They are speaking up to stop another girl from walking in their shoes.

    Did you know your loud angry voices, are exactly why many are silent.

    Did you know your doubt, is the second assault upon them.

    Did you know you creating a unsafe place to report sexual assault, allows the perpetrators to continue making new victims.

    Did you know you are collaborators with the perpetrators unwittingly, when you look doubtfully upon the victim.

    Did you know that there are more who stand with the perpetrators, than who stand with the victims.

    Did you know that when we change the way we treat victims, more victims will come forth.

    Did you know that the more victims are believed, the less victims there will be.

    Did you know that perpetrators need victims to be silent, in order to maintain their lifestyle of preying upon those less powerful.

    Did you know by disempowering victims, you are leaving them vulnerable to the next perpetrator.

    Did you know that your voice can either be raised to empower victims or to doubt them, to empower perpetrators or disempower them.

    Did you know, it is rare for the perpetrator be without champions. Friends and family will be the first to raise doubts when it comes to a flaw in his/her character. They will be unbelievers in his criminal life.

    I truly believe that many are not aware of how their words affect the culture of rape.

    I truly believe that many are innocently trying to educate and push back against what they feel is unjust and unfair treatment of a person who has done the time for the crime. They want bygones to be bygones. They want their world to readjust back to what it was before the crime.

    And, yet a crime did happen.

    A new victim was born.

    A life was changed forever.

    There is no going back to her normal.

     

    Trauma changes who you were born to be.

    While the debate goes on, other women and young girls witness the exchange and wonder about their own secrets, who to tell, if to tell, what to believe, who to believe…

     

    As I sit here, 60 years old, 14 years after my sexual assault was exposed, I know that it is better to speak out, even if the whole world doesn't believe you, you believe you enough to speak out.

     

    It is part of the healing process. To speak up, to take back your power from the perpetrator and those who unwittingly support him. It is healing to even argue with the other side, for it makes you look deeply into what you value.

     

    It also makes you look directly at the culture of rape that held your perpetrator up.

     

    You find out quickly, who is with you and who is doubting you. Who the believers are and who is an unbeliever.

     

    So, as the debate begins to fizzles out again.

     

    I hope there are women/girls out there who are finding their own strength and power to speak up. Who will not sit silently by to become part of the rape culture.

     

    Did you know, you are either shining a light against abuse, or trying to keep it in the dark.

     

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  • Acceptance to what is

    I listened to a discussion about estrangement on NPR,  on 1 A – (Below is the link)

    1A why-families-break-up

    Here are a few words that I resonated with.

    "I could be myself or I could be the daughter they wanted." Tara 

    "…a promise to myself that the Abusive Cycle that had gone on in my family for generations, stopped with me. I have grown up with a lot of shame from both our family  friends and outsiders who just simply can't understand why I would turn my back on my abusive parents. Over the years I have decided that instead of caring the shame, I would put the shame where it belongs, with my abusive family." Melissa

    "Estrangement was really a healthy solution for an unhealthy environment."

    "I don't feel like I need my family to change, in order for me to love them. But I do feel like I need them to change if I am going to have them in my life."  Tara

    "Becoming estranged actually, as weird as it is to say, was kinda the best way to just  accept them, for who they are. And stop trying to change them, stop having all this conflict where I was trying to make them into someone they just weren't. And, it was kinda the only way that I could just say, you know are okay the way your are, and you decide what you are going to do, and I am going to decide what I am going to do."   Tara

    I guess it was refreshing to hear them speak about their experiences, which echoed mine. Perhaps not in the details, but the feelings themselves.

    And the misunderstandings as to why, and about reconciliation. 

    Estrangement from family isn't an easy choice, nor one that can easily be reversed.

    And, the shame about being estranged.

    If we don't fit in, there is something wrong with us, not that there is something hurtful in the environment.

    Rarely is family scrutinized to see its contents.

    More often, we are judged for stepping away.

    I also loved Tara speaking about acceptance that comes with estrangement.  It truly does set you free to be, and allow them to be themselves. I am no longer waiting for changes or struggling with the idea that I could should or would change them.  Estrangement is accepting that the past cannot be changed, and it is not up to me to change the future in their lives.

    I truly am at peace with acceptance.

    Of who I am and who they are.

     

     

    In another podcast with Tim Ferris, he spoke about how people see the world.

    1. Those who can see.
    2. Those who can learn to see.
    3. Those who don't want to see.

    When it comes to estrangement from families of abuse, these categories are very true.

    It is true, there are many who do not want to see.  See in a way that would upset their whole worlds. 

    I write this blog for those who want to learn to see.

     

    Thanks NPR for having the discussion.

    Being estranged has offered me acceptance to what is.

     

     

    (I can't remove one, sorry you get two)

     

     

  • Splashed Everywhere.

    Today I am one of the Featured Artist.  My art work will be splashed all over a gallery.  A tsunami of color, and the creative expression of me.  I will be on display and open to critique and judgement OR showered with compliments and approval. Neither of which I can control.

    Their opinions of me are none of my concern.

    IMG_5210

    Photo by OJ

    I played with fabric and design, and both brought me peace and meditation and good energy. I loved each selection, and placement, and then a new little addition that made each feel so exciting, TO Me.

    Art to me is very selfish.

    It is joy I do for me.

    I love the fabric.

    I love the color.

    I love the birth of each lady and her attitude and expression.

    I love how she plays and explores and has grown.

    I love me expressed in my Art.

    I am not really sure you can leave yourself out of the art.

    The gentleman who received my Art, commented on how it was whimsical.

    Loved how playful it was compared to some of the art he has seen.

    Perhaps the reason is I am not trying to do Art, but rather just playing. 

    Literally, enjoying the process of co-mingling fabrics and expressing energies.

    There can be a seriousness in art and placing it above and beyond. Art can be unreachable and unattainable. Or, it can be imperfect and achievable.

    Mine is the later.

    I am not trying for perfection.

    That idea blocks art from flowing.

    Daring to be imperfect is way more fun.

    And without rules to follow.

    Sometimes the more imperfect, the more perfect it feels to me.

    It's the imperfections that make it stand unique.

    Perhaps the reason I embrace imperfection in my art, is that I began creating and using quilting as Art Therapy, when I discovered my sexual abuse.  I was a broken woman getting my energy from playing in fabric.

    I was shattered and would feel whole and okay, when I sewed.

    I leaned away from the pieces of my life I could not fix, and concentrated on creating beauty to keep me from drowning in sorrow.

    I would walk 2 miles a day, in one direction I cried.  When I turned to face the sun and home, I made myself dream of quilts and ideas. 

    Today, I am healed beyond where I ever dreamed I could be, and I still enjoy the process of creating. Of adding art. Excess amounts of it, to my world. 

    I wonder if now the joy, love and peace within me needs to come forth. Whereas before Art was a handle I used to keep from going completely under.

    All I know for sure is that, as a friend said, "I like the idea of an embarrassing amount of art." 

    And, what you will see if you go to the Calumet Art Center in January, is my art splashed everywhere!

    IMG_5222

    Photo by OJ – The other artist (Birds) is Michele Cedarquist!

     

     

  • Regrets at a minimum.

    Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

     

    1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

    This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

    It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

    2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

    This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

    By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

    3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

    Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

    We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

    4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

    Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

    It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

    5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

    This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

    When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

    Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.  Bronnie

     

    And, on a podcast with Lewis Howes, she spoke about the 6th regret, as  Not learning the power of kindness. To ourselves and others.  The hardest part of kindness is receiving kindness and love for ourselves.

     

    As I sit here on the Eve of a New Year, and in the first year of my 60's, these are great reminders to live a life that will have the least amount of regrets, as well as the most fun to look back upon.

    I have number one down pretty well, in that I live my life true to me. It wasn't always the case, but in the past 14 years, it has been my number one goal in each moment of life.

    And, number two, I truly don't work too hard, or too much.  I have plenty of play time in my days and weeks, so that one too I am okay with.

    Number 3, is another one I have managed to hone my skills at.  It has brought me great inner peace and self definition. I know who I am now, because I am aware of my feelings and I have the courage to express them.  I have also learned, that not everyone will appreciate, or accept how I see, and feel the world. And, I am okay with that. As I am free to be who I am, they too are allowed to see and feel me in the manner in which they do. While I am estranged from many, I feel that it is the truth of who we are, and reconnecting isn't what would be true for me.

    As for staying connected to friends. There are friends that I have outgrown.  I am okay allowing the natural separation that has happened. I would no more want them to be in a place they are uncomfortable with, anymore than I would want to regress.  I am connected to those I feel connected to. And, the adage is true: We have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have learned to identify them.

    I am getting much better at letting myself be happier. About expressing things that upset me and why.  And about looking into how I am the unhappy maker. It took me a long time to realize, it is my job. And, I took back the control from others.  I no longer allow others to make me unhappy.  Even more, I seek things that make me happy.  I move towards happiness.  

    As for the 6th kindness regret. I have learned if you can't be kind to yourself, you will not be able to give kindness to others.  Being kind to me, was hard to learn and receive. It was achievable and I have learned this art form well.

    I agree with these regrets, and more agree with living life regret free.

    In my past, I see my evolution, and how my last days will unfold in peacefulness.

     

    IMG_4922

    If we had the urgency of the dying, we would be able to become more honest with our lives and self.

    I have lived more than I have yet to live.

    I aim to live a life that will bring me the most peace in the end.

    Leaving regrets behind.

    If we live right, we can eliminate our regrets.

    I had to find the real definition of regret.

    "Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity)"

    Regrets are missed or lost opportunities.

    Times we held back instead of reaching forward.

    Times we said No, when we wanted to say Yes.

    Or, even times we said Yes, when we needed to say No.

    I am learning to catch opportunities and trying new challenges, to gather to me and my life, things that I will look back fondly upon.

    Imagine of life of great memories, compared to one of great regrets.

    My new year will be to leave the regrets at a minimum.

     

     

     

  • What you add each day.

    As the year comes to a close, most will look to make resolutions for next year.  I just saw a blog about doing a "Past Year Review" instead.  

    Tim Ferris suggest this as a guideline.

    "1. Grab a notepad and create two columns: Positive and Negative.

    2. Go through your calendar from the last year, looking at every week.

    3. For each week, jot down on the pad any people, or activities or commitments that triggered peak positive or negative emotions for that month. Put them in their respective columns.

    4. Once you've gone through the past year, look at your notepad list and ask, "What 20% of each column produced the most reliable or powerful peaks?"

    5. Based on the answers, take your "positive" leaders and schedule more of them in the new year. Get them on the calendar now! Book things with friends and prepay for actives/events/commitments that you know work. It's not real until its in the calendar. That's step one.  Step two is to take your "Negative" leaders, put "Not -to -do List" at the top, and put them where you can see them each morning for the first few weeks of 2019. these are the people and things you "know" make you miserable, so don't put them on your calendar out of obligation, guilt or FOMO (fear of missing out) other responses.

    Tim Ferris

    I so love this idea.

    For, when you see the glob of a new year on the horizon it is hard to know how to sculpt it into a 'good' year for you.

    But, when you look back on your last year, you can for sure see what worked and what did not, what made you feel alive and what made you feel less than.

    And, I believe, if your past year is a blur, it would be a good idea to begin marking up your calendar this year, for next year review.

    Be honest and clear, on what you did and how it made you feel.

    I will now sit down with last years 356 days and see how I managed my year.

    And, perhaps if you know that your year will be reviewed, you will be more aware of what you add each day.

     

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