Author: bjukuri

My head is fairly quiet, the loud voices have all but been silenced.  They didn't suddenly all shut up, but I found, that the more my life aligned with my feelings, the less noisy my head became.

I wonder about the conception of the voices, where did they arise from?

Are they us questioning ourselves, or are they an echo from someone in our lives.

In the past my mother's voice was the loudest, deafening out my own quiet knowing.

The beliefs and words of the church scrambled to be heard as well.

My fears were loud and unreasonable.

And, the wishes and hopes for things to be different often grabbed the microphone.

All of them shouting and clamoring for attention, in my mind.

Each time a situation happened, a crowd of voices began shouting.

It was as if I had no vote in the matter.  

I only was able to choose who I listened to.

Whose direction would I follow.

I was a puppet, with many puppet masters.

And, it is no wonder that I felt like a chameleon. I changed depending upon whose voice I was following. I never could hold a steady course for me.

However, once I began making choices based on my feelings, and not the voices in my head, I began to slowly redefine me. Or actually define me.  It was the Me for the first time.

I wasn't listening or pleasing the outside. I was acting from what I felt inside.

I believe, when the voices were being neglected, they grew silent. They knew I no longer believed them wholeheartedly.

Often, I literally would have to write down what the voices wanted, against what I wanted to do.  And, I would go into detail and how it would make me feel to do what they wanted compared to what I wanted.  I then could make a choice based on my feelings.

If it brought me peace, love or joy – that is the way I headed.

What is so shocking, but not, is how often the voices were dead wrong.

It was what the outside wanted me to do, but it wasn't healthy or peaceful for me.

There was a cost to me to follow the voice.

Perhaps it would be pleasing to the outside, my mother, or sister or friend. But the voice that echoed their needs, often left me not honoring my true feelings.

It was a simple process and it resembled guilt.

The voice would say, "YOU should go, do, be….etc. And, the discussion began.

I challenged each should of, would of, could of.

No matter who I would disappoint, I was willing to, in order to rescue my life from the voices in my head.

To become peaceful inside.

It was quite shocking how little control I had of my life, and my body.

Each time a stressful thought spoke up, I immediately was alert and aware. And, I challenged it with great respect and honor. I truly wanted to know the truth.

Many of the voices were even subconscious.

A belief buried deep.

They would be found, when I couldn't take an action, but didn't know why.

Or, I felt out of control, but I didn't know why.

Each time, I would put pencil to paper and write until I discovered the truth.

And, each time I uncovered the source of why I was out of control, I could see how I grew to be this way, and often, I then could respond differently.

Now, my head is quiet.

I wrote for at least 4 years into notebooks, and then I began this blog.  I wrote to find me, what I felt, and often, when something outside wanted me to be different.

I wrote to find my reality.

I am only at peace there.

If I am uneasy and unsure, I can know I have left the here and now, and slipped into believing the voices in my head.

Worry is a voice.

Anxiety is a voice.

Fear is a voice.

Rarely do we have positive cheerleaders in our minds.

My cheerleaders only cheered AFTER I successfully overran a voice.

Only after I decided, and then acted on my own.

And, I believe the cheerleaders voice come from the heart.

From the inner sanctuary of you.

The voice of the little girl, is what I heard first.

My little girl self, that needed to be listened to.

Her voice was little and timid at first and her cheers felt deeply.

Eventually she grew stronger, louder and more defined, as I began making more and more choices that reflected her needs.

My needs were grounded, as I said in reality. They needed, truth, integrity, actions, and whose outcome gave love to my self.

Some, still may say this is the recipe for being selfish.

But, it it literally is a loving relationship with self.

You cannot love yourself if you hurt yourself by pleasing another.

And just so you know, rarely as I changed, were there cheers from those I was placing boundaries. Instead, it was as if they grew stronger, to make sure my boundary was tough, secure and steady.

Testing to see where the line was drawn.

Most often the voice I now here is me.  A dream of an adventure, the nudge to try something new, curiosity and eagerness to explore more of life. Free from the prison of voices.

"Celebrate" to acknowledge – honor….

I celebrated Me yesterday, I turned 60.

I celebrated my journey.

all of it.

Not just the good times, the easy choices, but the tough heart wrenching tough ones.

I celebrated my open heart, after so much heartache.

I celebrated my open mind, after so many years of being closed.

I celebrated my inner peace, love and joy.

After so many years of wanting something different.

A different body, a different life, a different this or that.

I celebrated loving me right now just as I am.

I celebrated the journey it has taken me to becoming Me.

The things I had to let go of and the newness I had to embrace.

I celebrated surviving, when I thought it was impossible.

I celebrated my new love, of allowing and freedom.

I honor me, by allowing, and accepting all of who I am to be.

There is nothing I would change or remove.  All that I have experienced has brought me to where I am today.

I celebrate life, for many lives have ended this year.

I celebrate love, for many struggle within relationships.

I celebrate my health, for many are ill.

I celebrate my mental clarity, for many live in denial.

I celebrate my positive nature, for many live in heavy darkness.

I celebrate the love, peace and joy in my home, for many live unsure.

I celebrate my relationships, with their integrity, and respect.

I celebrate being a mom and grandma, for many would love the honor.

I celebrate being an artist, for many are too shy.

I celebrate the many different facets of being Me.

How grateful I am to have lived to see 60 years of age.

And, to love the me who landed here!

It is a truly great privilege to be able to celebrate your own self!

My job as I see it, is to live a life that brings me love, peace and joy.  And, it releases everyone the burden of making me happy, more joyful, more this or that.

I got it.

I am finding joy, love and peace within Me.

Happiness is being able to celebrate your life, even when, or especially when tough times have entered your journey. Our work as a human being, is to continue to rise up to peace and acceptance, in all things.

Perhaps I celebrate the most, because of what I lost, what I found, and where I have been. I know the opposite of what I now have.

I celebrate to honor and acknowledge Me!

Passive Aggressive behavior was one of the ways I was raised to respond. Instead of facing anything directly, you use a non-verbal reaction that shows your silent disapproval aggressively.  

When someone does this, even today, I am flung backwards into my early years and feel resentment that lingers for days.

And, oddly – I use passive aggressive behavior back. 

My words are silently held in my head – where I have multiple debates that are never spoken out loud.

In the past week this happened. 

One being the discussion about Dr. Ford and the Judge, and then someone turning up the music to drown out the discussion – without using her words.

A double slam.

Is how it felt.

Shutting down the topic, and using a passive aggressive behavior.

And, I was amazed and a little amused – at first.

But, then a weird thing happened – I turned back to my childhood responses.

I followed the silent debate.

And, adhered to miming our feelings.

Instead of speaking about them.

I was silent

She was too loud.

Conversation adverted.

After sitting with the overview, for a few days, I saw how someone can choose not to listen, how you truly have to have a safe and open environment to have a healthy conversation.

Two people caring enough to listen.

That even if one party is open to sharing all kinds of topics, the other person can shut it down.

I was shocked most about being brought back to childhood.

To be almost 60 and feeling like a 'bad' child.

The brushing off of my words felt so disrespectful.

Just how you block your ears and sing or holler as to not hear the other person.

To spare yourself from hearing that which you don't want to hear.

I wondered whose lesson this was, and what could I learn?

First it showed me the application of passive aggressive behavior.

How closed it is and almost violent to our feelings.

And, non-evolving.

What I learned was how you can literally see a closed ear by how someone behaves.

That words don't have to be explicit.

And, how that makes you feel.

Cast aside as if you didn't matter.

Not you or your thoughts.

This one sided selfishly arrogant relationship is familiar to me.

I was raised by a parent who used this behavior to control us.

And, I can see how it works, but how limiting it is.

This encounter brought me back to how I used to be.  How I would seethe in silence for days to show my anger. How I would use non-verble messages to portray my feelings.

I didn't have words.

More, I didn't have a secure and trusting understanding of who I was.

I was the silent victim – whose words were drowned out.

I now see how this worked so well for my mother, and later me.

Passive aggressive behavior is – I had to look up the real meaning to see if at the end of this rant, I had it correct according to the dictionary.

"Passive–aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others."

and, this

"A Mayo Clinic specialist explains the signs of this indirect way of expressing negative feelings."

and,

"Upbringing: Some suggest that passive-aggressive behavior may stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed. People may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration."

and this,

"Taking the easy road: Being assertive and emotionally open is not always easy. When standing up for yourself is difficult or even scary, passive-aggression might seem like an easier way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of your anger."

All apply to how I was raised. And, why I too chose the path of passive aggressive.

This encounter this week has taught me the code of my childhood.

I can totally see why this was needed in a home with abuse.

"People may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration."

This line is particularly poignant to me.  For without your real feelings, can you be real?

I know that this is so true. We do become passive aggressive IF we can't express our real feelings openly.

My intention is to now live fully expressing my feelings. 

And, will have to learn how to do so more effectively with passive aggressive people.

How interesting it is, that taking the "easy road" is to be passive aggressive. For, it truly is harder to be emotionally open and assertive. And, being passive aggressive, You don't have to confront the source of your anger. Which to me is the most meaningful tool used in abusive homes.

Expressing your emotions and sitting with the source of your anger isn't the easy road.