I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Badassery in action.

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    Extra Ordinary woman doing amazing things, are my inspiration. Pushing beyond the expectations of others!

    I created this quilt to recognize the badassery in completing a full Ironman.

    During which her bike was left in a high gear and she pushed the bike up hills.  Imagine the tenacity it takes to not quit when things get tough.

    I don't know her, (well we are friends on social media – and are becoming known to each other) but she adds hope and possibility to my world.

    She needed the assistance of a leg person. One who would carry her legs into the transition stages of the race! Adapting to her needs to be successful to obtain the goal she had her sights on.  I love that she made the race as she needed it to be.

    We all are in our own unique journeys.

    Thank you Emily for showing us all, there are no boundaries! 

    Congratulations again for being a badass Ironman finisher!!

    Badassery in action!

    To read more about her – here is her blog.

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  • This thought came to me today.

     

    "We people please to be liked, loved etc – because we don't know who we are and if we even really like ourselves."

     

    For me, this is true.

    Before I really knew myself – I needed others to define me…and kindly.

    I needed others to be the love I didn't have for myself. I had to people please, for I needed them to color me nicely.

    There was no part of me, literally, that was formed by me.

    I was drawn by how the outside world saw me. They held my identity.

    To be without an inner anchor is okay, as long as you stay in the good graces of the people who color you.

    However, once you step out of line, ugly lines are drawn upon your character.

    It is hard to go back and see me – in denial of myself.

    To see the empty lump of darkness where I lived.

    When I awoke to find the truths I lived without, I also found Me.

    Perhaps buried beneath years of behaviors, habits and co-dependent relationships, but I was there.

    I had no clue how to be Me.

    Alone.

    Against the voices I now disagreed with.

    I could no longer please them and define me, in ways that I respected.

    Outside of denial there were two roads, two choices, and only one to choose.

    To love me or be drawn by them.

     

    As I look upon the 13 year separation from my family it often boggles my mind.

    And yet, it doesn't.

    I have grown stronger during this time.  

    The art of defining me is more filled in, more complete and fully present.

    Just as my art has evolved, so have I.

    Details are added, fine tuned and adjusted.

    My clarity gets clearer, my voice stronger, my peace deeper.

    I have drawn a woman that I love, honor and respect. 

    Her actions I am proud of.

    She doesn't need others to fill in the blank spaces or shore up the sagging lines.

    I like and love this woman who is only 13 years old.

    The decisions she has had to make in order to become her – leave me breathless at times and in tears.

    The becoming of her, gave me many losses.  My voice often rang in truths that others couldn't bear to hear. Silences, and anger came my way.

    And, yet I stood – as Me – unwavering. 

    I wasn't able to go back to the lump of denial. 

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    My Lady Quilts on display at the Gala that honored Me.

    I had a brother for most of the years that shaped me into who I am today. I thought recently, of how he kept me walking my truth. I was laying a path for him to follow.  

    How to be You.

    How to love you.

    How to like you.

    How to become the you we didn't have the chance to be before abuse messed with our young lives and sense of self, the outer world and family and love, and awareness…

    How to find a way to thrive and be whole and undivided inside.

    How to let go of the fear of not being like, loved or accepted.

    How to parent ourselves into being who we were born to be.

     

    This brother was here for two weeks and we were silent to each other.

    What would I say or could say, now?

     

    I have almost three years of words to share, of growth, defining moments, places where I learned to love deeper, see broader, and becoming fuller.

    His leaving me alone helped me grow more defined.

    I heard recently on a podcast about having someone witness your life.

    How family members keep your image through all the stages of your life.

    It is this witnessing that allows you to feel the continuity of self.

    My brother was my witness on so many levels. My brokenness and my struggle to redefine me and then now a vacuum of silence – blocked.

    He helped me by being a witness of my past and allowing me to become a new Me.

    I am not sure for sure why we no longer walk together witnessing each other's lives. The closure was never that clear. Perhaps our witnessing days for each other came to the natural end that was destined.

    I can stand strong and empowered outside of the family because I am whole. A person whose legacy I am proud to hand down to the generations below me.

    I am not saying to follow my path and become Me.

    I am saying follow the path to be You.

    Free of the good opinions of others.

    So in love with who you are, you can afford to make the world angry - 

    I don't need you to like Me.

    I like Me.

     

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  • Integrity – the state of being whole and undivided.

    I heard this definition and it made complete sense to me.

    Integrity is about how you feel inside.  About doing, saying and being in harmony with your truth.

    Integrity means, you have to do what you feel, or be divided inside.

    Integrity means it isn't at all about the outside or the folks who live there.

    It is all about your heart, mind and soul.

    Often, I think we think of integrity as doing what you said you would do; an accountability to someone else. 

    I had never heard it defined as being whole and undivided.

    I love this.

    I live this.

    Integrity has brought me peace.

    I am undivided and whole.

    We often hear talk about being whole.  And, it is a fuzzy idea of what we should be. Rare is it said, that being whole is being undivided.

    We don't even speak of being divided.

    Of knowing our heart and soul want one thing, and that our mind is dictating something else and how divided our inner world is.

    Being undivided is a peace unlike anything I have ever experienced.

    Its value is something I am unwilling to negotiate.

    In the early years of cultivating this, I would write out my dividedness, the tug and pull of the waring mind.

    And, I would follow the road that brought me peace inside.

    Each decision towards a peaceful inside, expanded the peace inside of me.

    I still weigh decisions by how it would feel to me.

    This is huge coming from a past people pleaser. 

    I love that the road to integrity is to be whole and undivided.

     

    The other definition of integrity is – "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles – moral uprightness.

    This part, I believe, comes after the war of becoming undivided.  It is then you can know what you stand for and what it will take to keep you whole.

     

    As a child, I was given the moral codes of my parents and the church my mother believed in. I was taught moral principles.  In the very strict culture, you are not allowed to go out and find your own moral compass.  

    Your life is led by the compass of the church.

    You follow.

    There is no need for individual wholeness.  The completeness comes from being a good christian. You are dependent upon the 'good opinion' of others to be good. It is a very co-dependent relationship, one where your inner landscape isn't valued.

    When the places that housed my morals crashed, I fell apart.

    It was then, I discovered the world inside of me.

    A heart, a mind, and a soul were now available for me to engage with. 

    When I found my own wholeness, I no longer needed the compass of the church.

    It took years to build my own compass and moral principles.

    I didn't know what I was doing when I worked to keep peace inside of me; the wholeness was Me being Undivided.

    I thought I was creating a new me, when in fact I was creating one without division.

    A whole representation of Me.

    There are many who feel that a victim of child sexual abuse will always be broken, and damaged.  I believe, that we can undo the damage, when we become empowered and live with our truths. 

    And, now I can see how following our integrity will be very healing.

    Perhaps we will have PTSD, but if you are living undivided, it will be less impacting.

    I have compassion and understanding with my heart and mind. I know the path they have walked, the psychological damage that was done and the broken heart.

    Both have experienced deep wounds.

    And, yet both are stronger where they were broken.

    My heart knows heartache so it loves differently.  My mind knows the narrow path of denial and religion and is now open to new ideas and reality.

    Integrity for me truly is accepting what is without division. Without leaving pieces out.

    Undivided.

    Accepting reality as a whole is to live with integrity, as well as finding what connects the mind, body and soul.

    What is your truth? What part of reality are you unwilling to accept? What part of you are you shutting out?

    Wholeness cannot be found while being divided.

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  • Art loves to be seen!

    My 3 year old granddaughter was helping me add beads to my quilts. She would suggest colors and placement. I loved her ideas! 

    After each quilt was tagged and ready for the show, she would say, “Hold it up Grandma” and she hugged it, saying to the Lady – “The people will be so happy to see you!”.

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    I love her simple expressions of Art.

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    How she feels the soul of Art.  She is very intuitive, for in each piece is the soul of the artist.

    Art is very important to humanity, where we are often too shy to show our true nature, to be authentic and real.

    Children and Art seem to be on the same channel.

    I am excited for the Ladies to meet with others, to socialize and be seen.  Me too.  I love seeing others see my art!

    Today, Sunday the 24th of June – from 4 to 6pm, we will be at the Wildflower's Show at 46570 US 41 – outside of Houghton heading towards Chassell!  

    We hope to see you there! All are welcome!

    Art LOVES to be seen!

     

  • Hours of Art

    An Art Show was planned before the flooding rain came.  And now…we wondered do we carry on.

    Are there rules, or is there a period between disaster and when we gather for joy?

    The show is scheduled for Sunday Afternoon, exactly a week after the rain.

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    How are we supposed to respond in the days after, in our lives, with our plans?

    I know that there are families facing really hard times, and pain and suffering surrounds them.

    In the darker times of my life, I liked being able to leave my pain behind and look at art.

    Art gave my soul energy.

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    This show is outside, what I like to call a "Pop-up Art Show". 

    It is just a few of us, a casual affair.

    Outside along the bike path.

    While at first it seemed improper to display bright joy inspiring items, it now seems to me that it is a must.

    Artists are bringers of the Light.

    We counter the darker times.

    We share emotions of joy.

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    We inspire hope and a brighter future.

    I am drawn to art that makes me smile and touches something inside of me.

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    The emotions that art brings out, seem to be the opposite of what devastation feels like.

    Artist are needed the most when life's disasters strike.

    So, the Pop Up Show will go on.

    We will display joy and whimsy.

    We will make your heart smile and move hope inside.

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    The greatest things I needed when I was in my darkest spot, was to see someone else who had suffered and was now thriving in life.

    Pop up art shows are a way of celebrating that life does go on.

    Humanity has the incredible ability to suffer greatly and still find the strength to be in joy.

    What I know about suffering, it changes you.

    It can open up places you never knew you had.

    In those deep places of pain, one day you will feel equal amounts of love, joy and peace.

    May those who feel drawn to attend come and enjoy a few hours of Art.

     

     

     

     

  • Lie together.

    Edge States – from "A View From the Edge" by Joan Halifax

     

    "Over the years, I slowly became aware of five internal and interpersonal qualities that are keys to a compassionate and courageous life, and without which we cannot serve , nor can we survive. Yet if these precious resources deteriorate, they can manifest as dangerous landscapes that cause harm. I call these bivalent qualities Edge States."

    "The Edge States are altruism, empathy, integrity, respect, and engagement, assets of mind and heart that exemplify caring, connection, virtue and strength. Yet we can also lose our firm footing on the high edge of any of these qualities and slide into a mire of suffering where we find ourselves caught in the toxic and chaotic waters of the harmful aspects of an Edge State."

    "Altruism can turn into pathological altruism. Selfless actions is service to others are essential to the well-being of society and the natural world. But sometimes, our seemingly altruistic acts harm us, harm those whom we are trying to serve, or harm the institutions we serve in."

    "Empathy can slide into empathic distress. When we are able to sense into the suffering of another person, empathy brings us closer to one another, can inspire us to serve, and expands our understanding of the world. But if we take on too much of the suffering of another, and identify too intensely with it, we may become damaged and unable to act."

    "Integrity points to having strong moral principles. But when we engage in or witness acts that violate our sense of integrity, justice, or beneficence, moral suffering can be the outcome."

    "Respect is a way we hold beings and things with high regard. Respect can disappear into the swamp of toxic disrespect, the we go against the grain of values and principles of civility, and disparage others or ourselves."

    "Engagement in our work can give a sense of purpose and meaning to our lives, particularly if our work serves others. But overwork, a poisonous work place, and the experience of the lack of efficacy can lead to burnout,which can cause physical and psychological collapse."

    "Like a doctor who diagnoses and illness before recommending a treatment, I felt compelled to explore the destructive side of these five virtuous human qualities. Along the way, I was surprised to learn that even in their degraded forms, Edge State can teach and strengthen us, just as bone and muscle are strengthened when exposed to stress, or if broken or torn, can heal in the right circumstances and become stronger for having been injured."

    "In other words, losing our footing and sliding down the slope of harm need not be a terminal catastrophe. there is humility, perspective, and wisdom that can be gained from our greatest difficulties. In her book "The Sovereignty of Good (1970), Iris Murdoch defined humility as a "selfless respect for reality." She writes that "our picture of ourselves has become too grand." This I discovered from sitting at the bedside of dying people and being with caregivers. Doing this close work with those who were dying and this who were giving care showed me how serious the costs of suffering can be for the patient as well as the caregiver. Since that time, I have learned from teachers, lawyers, CEOs, human rights workers, and parents that they can experience the same. I was then reminded of something profoundly important and yet completely obvious: that the way out of the storm and mud of suffering, the way back to freedom on the high edge of strength and courage is through the power of compassion. This is why I took a deep dive into trying to understand what Edge States are and how they can shape our lives and the life of the world." Joan Halifax

     

    Okay, this is on page 4, so I have lots to read.

    However, what I love so far is that she is sharing the dark side of what we believe are good states.

    I have intuitively known this -first by my own experiences, and then, by watching others become harmed.

     

    There is a dark side to handling suffering.

    It isn't as simple as I have been led to believe.

    This dark side, I believe is very much alive in dysfunctional homes and cult-like religions.

    The debate I had with myself over and over again, about my own sense of empath or integrity, now makes sense.

    The real debate was more about entering into the dark side.

    Often it literally felt like I was on the edge, and the fine line was hard to stand on.

    Too much feeling wasn't better.

    And, just because I sensed their pain, it didn't mean I had to enter into it and lose myself.

    What I know to be true to me, if the actions of empathy or respect, is harmful to me, it isn't a good action.

    And, I have often been ridiculed for my lack of actions.

    This book, so far explains why much better than I could have articulated with words.

    I knew this; but it certainly helps to have someone else write about it.

    Edge States – the good and the bad lie together.

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  • We call living.

    I am in my 9th week of recovery, this week I have returned to work, biked and hiked – and the hip is holding up well.

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    Recovery pain is different than the pain of injury.

    It is more like fitness pain.

    Each time the pain gets less and the achievement becomes more.

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    In fact, I can see the potential of going further than I have ever been before.  Where the pain would stop me, I see an open space now.

    The surgeon said, I will feel good at 3 months, and notice a remarkable difference at 6 months and will continue to heal for up to a year. 

    I am excited to see where this new hip will take me.

    The more I do things I love, the more I realize how fortunate I am.  I was able to get rid of the pain and rejoin life.  

    Not only rejoin, but to find new adventures.

    Life has the potential to be as full as you choose to make it – when you are without pain.

    I am okay starting out slow.  

    Slow is still moving.  

    It is still being outside in nature and feeling the body growing stronger.

    Life isn't as heavy when you are pain free.

    The weight and pull of pain is no longer an anchor.

    I now have the thrill or pull of potential.

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    Life and doing what I love seems possible; once again!

    The recovery from physical pain is much less daunting than from emotional pain and I believe we do it a bit differently.

    Emotional pain's needs are different and require us to change maybe our hearts and our souls.

    Emotional pain is unseen.

    It follows you everywhere like a bad soundtrack to your life.

    Emotions can not be surgically removed.

    Emotional pain requires you to create a life that supports it.

    I will ponder this more, how different the recovery is for emotional pain.

    I know, it was life changing, soul wrenching, and I became a different person through its recovery.

    And, perhaps I will become a different person again when healed from my physical pain too.  

    Life, while living may require many changes in who we are.

    I love this.

    Like Art expressing itself as life.

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    The circles we engage life in, change and expand and contract, and evolve as we do.

    I love the ever changing landscape we call living. 

     

     

     

     

  • Nature of home

    We traveled over to Martha's Vineyard by ferry.  I wasn't expecting there to be so many open beaches; I pictured the shorelines all privately owned.

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    This sign appeared by a sandy road heading towards the beach, a sign that said you are welcome to drive, if you dare.

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    My husband put it in four wheel drive and on we went.  What a fabulous beach this road led to.

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    In the middle of Martha's Vineyard is this wide open public beach!  I am sure mid-summer, it would be much busier than we found it.

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    I was so excited to be near the ocean and on sandy beaches!

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    And, I think the mail jeep loved the adventure as well.  Oh the new sights we seen, and traveling truly does expand your mind. 

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    Driving down the beach on the Vineyard, can it get any better than this!

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    The majority of our time was spent seeking new sights, traveling down roads, and up hills and mountains.

    Nature is a canvas that stretches far beyond what our minds can hold.

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    The ocean beating against the rocky shore made incredible sounds!  While many flocked to this sight, to see Kennebunkport and the Bush summer place, I loved the shore!


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    I loved the wooden pathways that wound their way to the sea. The smell of the ocean, the sounds of the waves and the emptiness of it all, was simply perfect. 

    Traveling off season, we were mostly free of crowds. 

    It was hard to enjoy and capture the feelings of the vineyards.  It would be so fun to go back with my bike and a few days to ride. 

    All the shorelines I visited along the ocean were unique and fun to see.

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    So many miles to explore. I walked short distances and tried to bring in the beauty I saw. This recovery road trip not only helped with my physical recovery, but soothed my soul.

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    These shores allow us to come and breathe in peace.
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    I loved the beaches before the summer season begins
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    And the very early sunrise – 5am the beaches are empty and full of nature's beauty.
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    We travel without an agenda, no real destination in mind. We wake and wonder the roads and make choices as they appear. 

    I am so grateful for being able to see and experiences new places.  It has inspired me to travel and see more of the nature of this planet.

    My heart and soul was very happy to have seen so much, and very happy to be back home.

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    Nature of home.

     

  • Road to recovery!

    I highly recommend travel recovery; where you take a road trip while recovering from surgery. Not physically able to work, but yet in good shape to be a tourist.

    I walked sandy beaches…IMG_6232

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    And rocky shorelines.

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    Climbed a  few steps.

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    Steps leading to new views are way more exciting.

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    One tower was too high for me to climb, but just going part way was my therapy for the day.

    While walking around each new little town searching for art and interesting things I took many steps and usually investigated each shop until my hip hurt.

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    New England narrow streets held many little shops.

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    And I went down many paths to smell the scents of spring/summer.

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    10 days so far of seeing sights I have never seen before, traveling through states I have never visited. How grateful am I to recover as I travel along. That my therapy steps have been on all new territory for me!

    We are still on the road but heading towards home and further on the road to recovery!

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  • Together!

    Today I looked at my wedding album, a small, very small plastic one, with just a dozen or so pictures. Small amateur 3 x 2 snapshots of our special day. 

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    It's a reflection of how my old religion, and society in general, looked upon a couple who were expecting a child before marriage. 

    We were supposed to keep it quiet and small.

    Shameful.

    Yet, I don't remember that day as being one of shame; but of happiness and love!

    One of my biggest regrets was that we didn't have professional pictures taken.

    These small blurry and now fading pictures are all we have of that day.

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    My estrangement leaps out as soon as I opened the album, for in it is Family.  

    Pretty much just family.  My husband's best friend was his best man, so he was there; other than that, family.

    All my memories from long ago, will now carry a bittersweet tone.

    The girl in the pictures has come along way.

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    I love my innocence in not knowing what I didn't know. It is incredible to me how I lived beneath the closed mind.

    How I was able to love and nurture, and parent, is beyond what my mind can hold?  In fact, I wasn't able to truly love, until I fell apart and found the real me.

    The greatest challenge our marriage faced was my self-discovery and undoing the brainwashing of a strict religion.

    Who I was when I married and who I would become, are so far apart.  

    It is a tribute to my husband, for he allowed me to undo. 

    We laid aside our marriage in order for me to discover who I was and in doing so made our marriage stronger. A marriage is as strong as the two individuals contained within.

    Our greatest strength is our ability to be authentically original!

    I love who I am so much more today, than who I was back in those pictures. I love the freedom I have to make choices, grow and expand Me.

    Our marriage began with love, passion and unique individuals and it continues today!

    Looking back, there was no way to predict how my journey would change me and how my marriage would support the freedom to be me.

    I believe, love is free.

    It has no chains or fences.

    It is the wide open space of love.

    Inclusive and requires the integrity of truth.

    Happy Anniversary to Us!

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    We have come a long way together!