I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Love and truth are one.

    Martha Beck wrote about honesty check-ins.  Where you set a timer and when the buzzer rings throughout your day, you see if what you are doing is in agreement with your truth.

    "At your first few honesty check-ins, you may notice nothing at all. Or you may feel only a twitch of nerves, a wisp of sadness. Ask yourself, What could this sensation be trying to tell me? If no answer arises, that's okay. Just write "I don't know," set the timer again, and repeat.  Your truth is like a wild animal; if it's been attacked or suppressed, it may take some time to show itself. Be gentle. With time and repetition, you'll eventually connect."

    "When a new truth comes up, it may be a simple yes or no, or a flood of realizations: Maybe you don't want to say no to your mother for fear of losing her love. Or you hate business trips (that's why you always get migraines on planes!) Or you're dying to be outdoors, not cooped up inside. Write down everything without judgement.  If your smack-dab in pure authenticity, write about the joy.  If you've been lying until your pants burst into flames, write about the misery and anger."

    "An honesty day is a hero's saga. With each check-in, you'll come closer to your real moment-to-moment truth. As the Good Book says, that alone is enough to set you free. Over time, when you become more aware of the ways you deceive yourself, you may begin making subtle (or not so subtle) behavior shifts. You may choose authenticity more often. Obligations may become unbearable. Unwanted relationships will wither; better ones will blossom."

    "This is addictive stuff. My own honesty day led to another, then a week, a year, and then an indefinite commitment. Take it from me: You're about to change your life. The more honest you are, the more you'll find yourself doing what you love, with people you love, in places you love.  You'll realize that nothing really true is unloving, and nothing unloving is ever really true. That wild creature, your true self, will come to meet you, then guide you home, one day at a time. Honestly."  Martha

     

    What I LOVE about this concept is this one line. "That nothing really true is unloving!"

    And, she is so right. The more truthful I became in my life, the more there was to love about it. 

    If you are not loving your life, there is a real good chance you are not being your honest self as you respond to life. 

    I will try and make checks today, to see what I am doing and how I feel about it.

    I don't like how I feel when I am doing something I don't want to do.  There truly is a huge difference between what I love and what I don't love.

    My body feels completely different.  

    Between light and excitement and weight and dread.

    What is true for you, is loving.

    And, "nothing unloving is ever really true".

    You simply can't love yourself if you are unable to be true.

    Love and truth are one.

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  • Truth over titles.

    When we are asked to respect the president, just because he is the president, we are not seeing the man, but the title.

    This is the exact same thing that happens within families where abuse happens. 

    Honor thy mother and thy father.

    Regardless of the person wearing the title. 

    It is the title that society wants us to pay homage to.  Upholding it, creates a false representation of who is behind it.

    It is like they get a free pass, due to the word that describes their job.

    See my title, it means more than who I am as a person.

    Family carries the same burden.

    We honor words and not the folks who live under its umbrella.

    This becomes a blind spot.  

    Often one of convenience.

    For when you literally see the actions, it will require you to make changes.

    Another form of denial to concentrate on the label and be faithful to it, rather than truly see who is wearing it

    People get more insulted when they see someone disrespect the president, than when the president does something disrespectful.

    Same goes for parents.

    My actions of estrangement are more often questioned than why I left my family. 

    Or, it is asked, "when will you 'forgive' (return).  Like it was me with the problem in the first place.

    Seldom are the probing questions about my parents and how they lost their title.

    I believe most would rather see the title, and believe in a world that isn't there, than to see reality of what is.

    Believing in titles allows us to have a gentle kind world.

    Dad, sounds so harmless.

    Being free to see, brings respect back to the titles.

    Some folks are just not qualified to wear them.

    Do we still have to respect them, when they don't fit the title?

    Can we keep our respect for the title and let the person's truth allow us the option to respect or not respect them?

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    Being free to chose who we respect, is a freedom.

    A title doesn't hold the power for automatic respect.  We certainly do not want to be victims of the title and without a choice.

    Respect is earned by the individual.

    By how they act.

    Who I respect is up to me.

    Respecting someone who is unworthy, is denial of their truth, and it shows disrespect to you.

    Denial of your own truth and feelings.

    I respect the truth over titles.

     

  • Joy is Living!

    While listening to a podcast, "Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais" as he spoke to Chade-Meng Tan on Joy… they spoke about thin slices we can experience during the day.

    His one example, was when your throat is dry and you take a sip of water, feel that!

    I do this on my first few sips of Tea!  

    Joy

    We often think it has to be big grand and expensive; that we have to travel far and strange and do adventurous things.  But, you literally can feel joy, crawling into bed after a full day and laying your head on your pillow.

    Or, the taste of chocolate, the sound of birds singing, the color as you paint a gourd!

    Watching for tiny slices of joy will increase joy in your world.

    One other thing that caught my attention was when they were speaking of peace.

    How, when we are craving or desiring something, it steals our peace, because we can't be at peace until we have it.  Whatever IT is.

    Mine are simple cravings. Sweets.  I am fine if they are at hand, but not so fine when they are not.  Mostly, it would be thinking of what you 'should' have; but don't.

    It is the absence of wanting, where peace is found.

    Another thing that I am learning is how self care means taking time out for your self.

    What I am finding, is that the more there is to do, the more 'needs' there are, the less I take care of me.  Which is the opposite of what needs to happen.  In the midst of busyness, is where I need my space the most.

    A recharge.

    A retreat.

    Ask for a timeout!

    As a busy mom, I rarely stepped out of being a mom and did something just for me.

    Now, as a busy working, mom, grandma, I am finding it still applies.

    Solo time, is key for me to stay in balance.

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    Sometimes we need to make waves in order to maintain balance and love, peace and joy in our worlds.

    Joy is knowing it is up to me to design my life.

    Today I will seek joy in simple things and see how many slices I find!

    Slices of Joy is living!

     

     

     

  • WIND

    What would a mission statement read like for WIND?  Women In New Directions.

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    WIND has changed directions just as the women who have grown with it have.

    What started out as a support group of sorts, has turned into adventures of the mind, body and soul.

    The more we have dared to do, the more WIND has changed directions.  I love the fluid nature and unknowing.

    WIND is active and creative.  

    It is art and physical endurance.

    Connection and friendship.

    Exploring new art forms that stretch and move our minds and soul.

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    We explore our inner worlds with some projects, our goals, hopes and intentions.

    And, out in nature we gather strength, peace and navigate paths we may not have traveled alone.

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    WIND is open, free and expanding.

    It includes all and if applied weekly will change your life.

    We are women in new directions.

    We know sorrow, pain, fear, and heartache.

    We know love, peace and joy.

    We are familiar with life's darkness and welcome it, share it, explore it.

    We laugh at life, ourselves and the joy of being.

    We want to inspire other women to gather and play.

    We range in ages from the 20's to the 60's.  I love this the most.

    Women who find themselves being pushed into a new direction, can learn to embrace the new.  Women who find themselves stuck in no direction can come and learn how to wiggle free.

    WIND isn't a place, nor does it have an agenda.

    There are no rules or boundaries.

    WIND is free

    WIND is like your very best friend.

    Open, loving, daring, adventurous, daring, exploring, redefining, listening, speaking up, creative, artful, imperfect, perfect, inviting, challenging…

    WIND, if it had a mission statement, would be Women In New Directions, being badass.

    We strive to grow and embody who we truly are.

    Our differences is our strength.

    We encourage each other with honesty and heart.

    WIND has given me so many new friends, new experiences, new directions.

    It has changed who I am.

    I am now a hiker, biker, snowshoe, ski girl.

    I have learned so many new different art forms, I feel more expressive.

    I even got a Tattoo with WIND!

    I have traveled on trails, climbed up hills, walked over Brockway Mountain, up Porcupine  Mountain, snowshoed in the dark, etc becoming a badass outdoor lady!

    My life is so much richer with WIND.

    WIND moves with inspiration and desire, with hopes and dreams and challenges.

    It changes you in ways you can't even know, until looking back at all the different directions we traveled!

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    Oh the places our feet have gone!!

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    WIND dares each of us to be who we were born to be!

    What is WIND's Mission Statement?  I will have to try and boil it down to a paragraph.

     

  • Disconnecting

    Yesterday I listened to this podcast about the value of boredom. I found it very enlightening and something I will now pay attention to.  

     

    I loved how he is back to notebook and pen.  When I was at my most stressed out, I would not go anywhere without paper and pencil.  Sharpened pencils and a journal captured many years worth of releasing emotions and expressing feelings.

    My job and the rural nature of my route takes me off the grid.  

    I do use my phone as a listening device for podcasts and books.  I listen a lot.

    I also use my phone as a camera.

    What I do find though, while listening is often an emotional bubble arises. 

    I am wondering now, if I am processing life moments and not letting them pile up.

    I love this idea that boredom and down time have a very important role in our lives.

    I am betting that while I am out in nature, this too is an opportunity for our bodies to speak to us.

    Another way to listen to your life, by disconnecting.

     

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  • Unwillingness to listen

    "The voice for truth speaks to every person on the planet, every single day, and that voice is as loud as our willingness to listen."  Gandhi

     

    I love this quote!

    Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, truth is in the ear that listens for it.

    You truly have to want to know the truth.

    Most often the truth will upset a false ideal you have.

    And, if you are completely in love, committed and faithful to the false, you will not have a listening ear for truth.

    Who knew that the truth depends upon a willingness to hear it?

    I did.

    My words bounce back from unwilling ears.

    Most will attack my knowledge or question my estrangement.

    Those who hear my truth typically are not affected by it. They have nothing to lose to hear me. Those with the most to lose, hear the least.

    If you are willing to listen, the truth will speak.

    I used to ask, "what am I not getting?"  I asked for the truth.

    It is amazing that inside of you is a wall built against certain truths.

    A buffer of sorts built up to protect you from knowing that which is painful or terrifying.

    We then become a prisoner inside of the buffer wall.

    Separated from reality.

    Reality is seen only when we listen.

    I remember feeling that I saw too much. Too much of reality.

    When in fact, I heard to much.

    Nothing was off limits.

    No word was discarded.

    All were accepted.

    Pedophile.

    She knew.

    They knew and did nothing.

    I don't know who I am.

    What I believe.

    Where I came from.

    My own truths.

    The list of things I hadn't heard, all began reciting their lines.

    An avalanche of truths flooded me; the truth felt my willingness to hear.

    Even while I was trembling with fear.

    Breaking the silence, begins with our own ears.

    I wonder if the opposite of denial is willingness?

    Nope, it is agreement, approval, affirmation, avowal…

    Yet, my journey changed completely with my willingness to listen.

    And, the one who I had to listen to first, was me.

    My life.

    My feelings.

    My inner soul.

    When I listened to me, I became Me.

    I heard what I loved, what brought me peace and joy.

    I heard what broke my heart.

    I heard false words with actions that didn't match.

    I heard silence, and no remorse. Excuses and defense.

    I listened to me, even when others didn't agree.

    Our willingness to hear our own truths, is to live with integrity.

    Being unable to live your truth, is to live as an imposter.

    I am not sure how much of reality you can see if you are not aware of your own truths.

    This unwillingness, is the framework of denial.

    Which is why our perceptions of reality are often not the same.

    We only see with our willingness to listen.

    I keep making waves in the sea of unwillingness to listen!

     

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  • Lived in Pretending

    "I am the most comfortable in the truth" Glennon Doyle Melton

    The podcasts that I am most drawn to are those of people who dare to live their truth out loud, the ones whose lives were altered due to the awareness. Who have made great changes into living authentic lives.

    What I heard today, after you become aware and living mindfully, you have a hard time around folks whose lives are littered with lies.  Or to be drawn toward lives who live on the surface of life.

    Once I had unraveled all that was untrue for me, untrue lives don't hold my attention.  I am not drawn or feel the desire to know more lies. I can't pretend to pretend to be interested.  

    And, I am more drawn to nature and its open spectacular self!

    Enjoying all the different ways to spend time in nature, feels right to me.

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    I am always honored when others share their truth with me, or when we work to discover the lies they cannot see.

    I had always thought that denial meant you knew, but denied it.  I am now more believing that denial is not knowing a truth; but that it lives with you.  If this makes sense.

    It wasn't that my truth arrived when I was 46, but rather it lived hidden from me.

    Although there were signs that I wasn't living true to me.  

    My feelings were not honored.

    Choices often were not available.

    I lived life on the surface.

    Not wanting to know too much, not even aware of not being aware.

    Looking back, I would get anxious when my inner self had the chance to be known.

    I didn't know me.

    But, didn't know that I didn't know.

    The who I knew was a survival self and the beliefs of the church.

    When the truth leaked out, the old me crumbled. 

    I was left without a self and yet as a self with wide open eyes.

    To be made aware of your own truths is a remarkable experience.  Typically it does come with drama, trauma, pain and sorrow.  But, it leads to a life that has a wide open landscape of seeing.

    I truly love being around folks who are wrestling with the truths in their lives.

    Regardless of the truths content.

    The realness excites me, and it feels like a real being connection.

    I am more comfortable with the uncomfortable truths than with lives lived in pretending.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Truth persists, always!

    In the past few months, I have been listening to the ways women have been resisting and persisting, and this idea resonates with me.

    I had to look up their definitions to see if I totally understood their meaning.

    Resist – Withstand, be proof against, be resistant too, keep out.

    Persist – continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure.

    I believe, the reason I was drawn to this concept, is that this is how I have been towards abuse in the past 12 years.  

    I often question my path compared to that of my siblings, and look deeply within to see my truth and walk with integrity and authenticity.

    Often, it doesn't feel like I have a choice.

    That the path has requirements and I follow.

    When you look at my resistance and persistence, it is as if I am being led.

    And, I am.

    But, more by the road against abuse, than my own personal wishes or desires.

    Often I am judged personally for a choice that the path demands. 

    If you truly are against abuse, your own personal life will often take turns you would otherwise not take.

    My turning away from folks, often was painful for me, and yet it is what was needed to be faithful to victims and to stand against abuse.

    I looked up the opposites of Resist and Persist.

    The opposite of Resist is "comply, conform, go along".

    I love this knowing.

    For, it is what I have always felt.  That there was really only one choice, IF you are standing against something…otherwise, you are going along with it!

    And do you know the opposite of Persist?  

    It is to "cease, give up, leave, quit, stop".

    I was never willing to do this.  

    No matter what.

    Or, who thought I should.

    The path was chosen, when a child broke her silence.

    And, when my denial ended.

    I didn't resist the truth.

    I followed where it led.

    Truth persists, always!

     

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  • Going anyway!

    I am not sure what an adrenaline rush is, or over the top excitement, the kick people get by doing scary things, but maybe I felt that as I skied the Great Bear Chase.

    Would it be possible that what some people call adrenaline, I call fear?

    Is the rush putting yourself close to the edge and careening almost out of control that is the rush?

    What I do know, is that rush of it all, was more draining on my emotions than on my physical strength.  Sure I was tired, but I was more emotionally drained.

    I haven't experienced being in fear physically in a long while.

    Not only in fear of going down hills out of control; but actually doing it.  I almost wanted to close my eyes and open them when I landed.  I didn't know how to try and control myself on the hills.

    It was as if seeing a beginner, try.

    To see how it went.

    It was sorta scary the futileness I felt about landing standing on my skis and the daring I had to just let go, knowing it had a 90% chance of ending poorly.

    When I went down the Hairpin, I was in the tracks, and when I approached the bottom, in a crouch, it wasn't far to the ground, the landing was much less impacting.

    Coming down the groomed, icy no track hills, was sheer insanity.

    I felt my precariousness, over and over again.

    It is one thing to do one hairpin.

    It is another to do a different kind again and again.

    What is also weird, is that even if I walked, I was still feeling fear of the trail.

    Instead of getting back my control, or feeling in control, my insides didn't calm down until the finish line…and even after I was home, there were aftershocks of shaky limbs.

    It was like my body's nerves were being held in check until I was under a quilt sipping tea!

    And, retelling of the event the first time, had me shaking.

    Fear, adrenaline, terror, rushes, excitement maybe are too close to abuse and its emotions.

    Could that by why I have unknown fear of things I have never tried.

    It is not the event; but the emotions that come with it.

    I will still be in fear of hills that are not tracked, but I will try and capture my control early by keeping me and other skiers safe, as I walk down the hill…and then commence my skiing.

    It takes a special set of courage to do that which is unknown.

    I feel that I had courage to even begin, after seeing the start of the race to have a hill with no tracks and fairly icy, and for the first downhill slope to have no tracks.  I could at that time been mere minutes from the safety of my jeep, instead I took the long way home, 10 Kilometers and I was back where I had started.

    Spent.

    Emotionally and physically challenged and stronger because of it!

    The hills won't scare me, for I know which ones to attempt and which ones to walk.

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    As I quilted this quilt, it came to me, beginners and trick skiers have a lot in common, our moves are quite insane!

    To me, it took more courage to attempt the hills, than those who have traveled down a thousand successfully.

    Daring to try without skills, is being in fear and going anyway.

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  • I Finished

    The Great Bear Chase!  Wow, and OH MY God, is all I have to say.  First of all, I am not an intermediate skier, for those trails are for badass skiers!  Beginners beware!!  Or, folks like me who love to ski with tracks!

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    Start of the race is an icy incline without trails and it was by sheer luck I didn't fall going up.  Then, onto a slopping downhill, without tracks.  Knees already shaking and we are 5 minutes into the 10K.  And, there are skiers in front of me, skiers on side of me, skiers behind me.

    Go go go!

    I was registered into the CLASSIC 10K. Classic to me means tracks.  

    My second attempt at a hill without tracks, I made down, but it wasn't pretty….only to be met with a steep icy incline.  I fell. 

    The second steep down hill, I felt I may as well give it a go, the bottom wasn't too hairpin looking….but, I wiped out.   Glasses flew, skies all crossed and poles every which way. It wasn't as gentle as my purposeful fall on Hairpin at the Tech trails.

    Another Fear Met and conquered.  I can fall badass!

    After that, each time I came to a trackless hill, I took my skis off.  Except one time, it didn't look too bad and I tried again, only to fall part way down. 

    I really didn't want to injure myself, so tried to be a gentle badass!

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    I learned it is easier to take them off at the top and walk down, then to try and remove them while legs and skis are crossed and poles going every which way – on my back.

    By the time we were in the last 4 K of the race, the 25 K skiers were racing by!  And, they were racing, not just trying to finish. So, I walked down more hills to stay out of their way and up a few too, just to keep them racing by me.

    They were serious, and I would have been messing with their times!

    I think, the hardest part of the race is not knowing the trail and what is up ahead AND not being able to ski without tracks down hills.  I guess in my mind classic means tracks and I am comfortable in them.

    We did have some nice tracked downhills as well, and on those I feel quite comfortable.

    But all in all, Swede Town trails are hilly!

    Oh, and one time me and real ski racer were going down the hill neck and neck, poles out into a tuck, eyes watering, hair flying – Felt pretty badass then!

    And, you have to remember we were skiing in about 5  degrees with some strong winds.  It was very cold!  Takes a badass to think she can do 10 K in that weather.  And, we did it.

    I had a buddy, who waited while I climbed down and Up. She did not take her skis off once. She is a badass intermediate skier! Her time would have been much better, had she not taken the time to ski with me!

    I am sure I hold a few records – for most steps taken, most times I took off my skies, and I am even thinking the most BMI – Boy are there some sleek muscled skiers!  Not an ounce of fat on them!! Oh, and did I mention 704 skiers registered; the most ever!

    After the icy no track beginning, I then fretted about coming back down that hill to finish, on my butt or with a big wipe out.  Instead, it was a nice gentle hill into the finish gate!

    Fun to hear the people cheering, bells ringing and knowing you only have a few more glides to go!  I made it!  It wasn't pretty, it wasn't perfect but it was a finish!

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    We had three of the full time employees of Chassell Post Office in the race.  Kenny came in third in his division!  Kenny was our inspiration for signing up!  

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    So, here are a few funny things.  First of all you wear a Race Bib. Pam and I noticed we looked like were are wearing training bras, at the End of the Race!  It is so funny.  And, the people at the Finish, couldn't read my numbers.  Seems my training bra had ridden up on my falls along the way!  We got the giggles!

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    And, so we then changed into warmer dryer clothes and had a delicious pasty dinner.  I had hot tea, water and was feeling pretty badass for completing and UNDER 2 hours!

    After eating, we are on the bleachers, chilling and waiting for the winners to be announced and behind us sits some serious skier dudes and they are discussing the race and talk about a woman out there who could have been making quilts she was going so slow. Well, since I was the slowest in the shortest race, IT had to be me.  HOW funny…and almost true! (and thankfully, I had taken off my bright pink hat and hyper green jacket and the riding up bra, for I don't think he knew it was me sitting in front of HIM!) 

    Oh my gosh, this is how it feels to enter into a higher level of play than where you are!

    All in all, I am happy that I did the chase.

    I am happy that even with knees shaking at times, heart racing at times, heart pounding , walking, and falling at times, I was successful in finishing!

    I didn't quit.

    I flew head first into my greatest fears while skiing!

    I did the Chase! 

    I am a bit sore from my wipe out, but no broken bones – and, it was the scariest thing I have done in awhile!

    But, I finished!