I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Free!

    We all have dates we remember, dates that can be celebratory and dates that can bring sorrow with reflection. Dates, marks of time, moments where our lives held significant changes.  

    We give these days power…or try to control ourselves as they approach.

    Today is December 4th.  The day I heard truth spoken about secrets; dark secrets.

    A day I was able to bring in all of reality- denial was broke.

    It calculates the amount of time that has passed.

    The start perhaps of a trail of sorrow.

    Or, the journey of learning.

    I can look upon it with eyes of what I have lost.

    And do at times.

    Mostly, I am grateful for what I have gained.

    My inner transformation has created a person whom I am very comfortable being.

    As the space expands into another year, the distance between my old self and new grows larger.  As does, who I was, compared to who I am.

    I look at the passage of time and it does seem incredible that I am no longer part of my family and haven't been for roughly 12 years. That is insane.

    On NPR, a conversation was about a soldier and how he was able to tell stories of his time at war.  Whether he would tell the real truth or a proxy story.  To make others more comfortable, he would tell a proxy story instead of what really happened.

    This struck me.

    How often do we live by proxy…to make others more comfortable so not lose a friendship or face the consequences of the truth?

    Imagine a world where truth is celebrated heard and accepted, no matter its content.

    I believe, that so many suffer due to not being able to be their truths.

    In the past 12 years, I have had to allow all truths to enter into my space; not just the easy ones or the ones that reflected well upon me.  Nothing was off limits.  My denial recovery depends on my ability and desire to be present with what is.

    My true self comes naturally with plus and minuses.

    Ups and downs.

    Highs and lows.

    Sorrows and joys.

    There is no part that has to be kept hidden and separated.

    As the season of family is in full throttle, I could get depressed and overwhelmed with my losses.  In the past, this time was the hardest.  Now, I am used to being separated.

    Being different then the rest.

    Removed from the family exchanges.

    The distance and time has made them dimmer.

    Their lives have gone on…and changed.  

    I have lost touch. 

    The loss is of something I don't know now.

    It is no longer a new loss.

    It is a fading memory.

    Time does heal by gathering more now times in its place.

    I am a ghost in their worlds.

    And, they in mine.

    Time passes, people change, distance steps in, hearts heal, lives grow and expand with new experiences. 

    The estranged create a new world where the loss grows smaller with time.

    Unlike death. We don't strive to include remembrances. 

    We seek to fill the holes.

    Changing the patterns of abuse into new self loving ways.

    I feel successful as a past victim of abuse.

    I have left the legacy of abuse behind and all its trimmings.

    I may be standing alone, but I am not passing on the torch of denial, which is the key component to abuse.

    Celebrating 12 years denial free!

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  • It Can!

    "Unless you can fully accept what is, joy is impossible." From the "Book of Joy" by Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama

    It was so fun to listen to "The Book of Joy" and hear their delight and playfulness, even when both have experienced the opposite.  

    I think we often believe that a 'good' life is one where we don't bring in negativity, where we are not sad or sorrowed by life. When in actuality, the best life is one where we are free to feel it all.

    Another phrase I heard on a podcast relating to joy was about controlling life.

    You simply can't experience joy IF you think you are in control.

    Joy is more often around me, now that I have completely lost control.

     We all know what we control and what is out of our reach and yet we continue to fight with what is.

    Whether it be the weather or someone else's behavior.  Our minds act like we can make a difference.  We can't.

    This isn't a talent that I created.  My life spiraled out of control so fast, that my mind couldn't find a way to stop the spinning and I landed dumbfounded in reality.

    The mess was bigger than I could control.  Which gave me nothing to do but accept.

    Which was hard.

    But freeing.

    What controlling feels like in my body is stress, hard, heavy, depressing, anxiety, joy killing.

    I don't tap into that place very often anymore.

    My body doesn't like it.

    Now, that it has had the taste for freedom, it doesn't like the burden of control.

    I have let so many relationships go, due to my desire to control them.

    I let them have their way with me.

    If someone asks for space, Space it is.

    I LOVE that they are in control of their lives.

    We all are.

    What most don't realize is what is in their power to control and what needs you to let go of.

    Once you learn this, you will automatically find joy.

    It is scary and extremely liberating and mysterious and curious.

    You can't know what will happen; but you are open to all possibilities; for you have not tried to control how it will go.

    Life has much more joy than it has sorrow. 

    And, when my body feels sorrow, I am joyful it can.

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  • Be where your feet are!

    I am not sure if the FALC would consider themselves "Fundamentalist" but the article below certainly helps explain a lot of what I have experienced.  It explains how anyone outside of their religion is wrong.  Period. 

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/11/the-dark-rigidity-of-fundamentalist-rural-america-a-view-from-the-inside/

    Here is a paragraph that explains so much.

    "Religious fundamentalism is what has shaped most of their belief systems. Systems built on a fundamentalist framework are not conducive to introspection, questioning, learning, change. When you have a belief system that is built on fundamentalism, it isn’t open to outside criticism, especially by anyone not a member of your tribe and in a position of power. The problem isn’t “coastal elites don’t understand rural Americans.” The problem is rural America doesn’t understand itself and will NEVER listen to anyone outside their bubble. It doesn’t matter how “understanding” you are, how well you listen, what language you use…if you are viewed as an outsider, your views are automatically discounted. I’ve had hundreds of discussions with rural white Americans and whenever I present them any information that contradicts their entrenched beliefs, no matter how sound, how unquestionable, how obvious, they WILL NOT even entertain the possibility it might be true. Their refusal is a result of the nature of their fundamentalist belief system and the fact I’m the enemy because I’m an educated liberal."

    Trying to get this belief system to hear the outside IS near impossible.  

    While this article may seem a bit "out there" it is completely true in my experience.  The bubble they live in is not conducive to any other perspective etc.

    This writing has affirmed my journey in trying to shed some light on the topic of abuse within the church.  Me, speaking from the outside is immediately doubted.  Not because of what I say, but because of their belief system.  I knew this…and yet have not been able to articulate it as well as this article.  I know it is about politics; but it can be about anything.

    Their minds are not open to anything outside of their circle.

    In one of my latest exchanges on Facebook, my speaking of abuse and those IN the church speaking of abuse are heard completely different.

    My frustrations on this two-sided view point, where I am seen as the devil and the one who wants to take down the church….and the other as kind and wiser, is now more clearly explained.

    I don't know how the church, within its belief system, will be able to Heal victims of abuse and/or get the abusers to turn themselves in. (which was suggested from the pulpit)

    The article suggested  a changing of minds can only happen when it becomes personal.

    Someone else had suggested this to me. That change wasn't going to come from the outside; that it had to start inside of the church.  After this article, I would have to agree.

    The writings on this blog have been for me to understand me; mostly by seeing them, which was where I came from.

    It is so very hard to explain and see clearly the closed mind.  It is a rock wall of insanity; with no cracks to let the light in.

    The beliefs are not founded or based in reality.

    Which makes it harder to argue against.

    You are not matching wits, you are talking to a deaf wall of righteous beliefs – beliefs in a system without checks and balances or even facts or equality or humanity.

    How can you relate or appeal to their senses; when the System cloaks them completely.

    I am the problem.

    Not their closed mind.

    Not their system.

    It is easier to see me as being wrong than their system.

    For they have built their lives, raised their children and passed on the poisonous mind to each new generation.

    What would happen IF they found out they were wrong?

    How much of their world would they lose?

    Would they too, find themselves standing alone outside of their family?

    I may be alone.

    I may be seen as mental.

    Yet I am forever grateful that somehow I fell out of that fundamentalist mind.

    The difference of living in the system of fundamentalist and outside is polar opposites.

    Like breathing or not breathing.

    Love or indifference.

    Freedom and imprisonment.

    Those imprisoned in the system can't even blame their jailers, for it is their own mind.

    The real war will happen in their minds.

    I literally had to write it out on paper how the mind was seeing reality compared to how reality was. 

    I couldn't trust my mind.

    It had been created within the fundamentalist system.  In order to get out of it completely, I had to keep writing and seeing it on paper.

    This may make complete nonsense to many. But, it was to unravel your sense of the world while being that mental mind.

    I have often sat in awe of the journey out of there.

    To awaken to the fact that I had based my life upon a world that didn't exist…a me that wasn't real and it was from there I had to reclaim me.

    Find me.

    It was to wake up in a world that was completely insane and in my case evil.

    The devil and the evils of the world were not 'out there' but in here.

    In my family.

    In the religion.

    In my mind.

    In the bubble of the fundamentalist mind, church and family.

    I have been asking IF I should be trying to go back in to the church and help others in there.  If I am being uncompassionate to concentrate on those who are already out.

    This is another answer from the universe.

    Change will come; when it is personal to them.

    Their journey, will happen like mine did. When you can all of a sudden see, that which you didn't see before.

    What I know for sure, is that the fundamentalist can only see what those in power want them to see; all else is blind to them.

    It will not be IF I can say it correctly or prettier, kinder, with more compassion. It isn't up to me. 

    Something personal or catastrophic will tumble them out.

    I can, without guilt, go and be me.

    Completely free!

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    How difficult it can be, when your feet are not free!

    "Be where your feet are" is freedom to me!  It is more precious because for so many years I didn't live or was aware of where my feet were.  Another quilt that is coming is "LOVE your NoW!"

    Today, "Be where your feet are!"

     

     

     

     

  • Badass Imperfect Ladies!

    When you live your life from the inside out, your feelings are engaged and alive. I most often Feel someones energies, before I See them.  The words are garbled and the intention is clear.

    As they enter my space, I know what energy they carry.

    My feelings light up…and my body responds.

    Immediately.

    Sometimes, my mind will try and convince me that what I feel isn't what I feel.  However, my body isn't a liar.  Its responses are beyond the mind. 

    My mind wants a friend.  My body recognizes the lack of respect.

    My mind wants to be part of a certain group, my body doesn't want to go.

    When I 'went out of my mind' I landed in my body, in my feelings and emotions. 

    Living from the inside ,compared to with the mind and the outside, can be at times, very lonely.

    Often I am standing alone, against many.

    I had read a short article about how woman throughout history, often used their craft or art to express themselves, when they were unable to be heard. When their voices were not included in the conversation, they spoke up in fabric, words, and needlepoint.

    I get this.

    At times, when my voice and my words are not heard, my Art holds the space.  When my emotions have no where to go, creating awaits.

    It is almost like a scream towards the close ears.

    I am depicted and thought of as the evil one. I am the outcast and the estranged.  The mental one.  

    Yet my art does not show this.  

    My energies and joy flows into shapes, colors and design.

    I understand now more than ever, this at a deeper level, why working with my hands in art was so important.

    For the words falling from my mouth landed unheard.

    Folks from my old self circles treat me like a leper.

    Like I am the one with the problem.

    And, perhaps I am.

    The truth sayers are not always welcome or appreciated.

    It is easier to shut me down, unfriend me, turn away, than it is to hear me.

    I love my art more.

    The expression it gives me.

    How it is infused with good energies.

    Like attracts like.

    Those who can't be near me are repelled in their honesty.

    Another great insight was to know that the Universe is on my side.

    I was given the gift to create wonderful strong powerful empowered joyful adventurous inspiring soulful women…and to be friends with those who look like my art.

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    Badass Imperfect Ladies!

     

     

     

  • Free to give.

     

    Being asked to give of my time or money is a very personal exchange.  It is one that I haven't contemplated for a long while.

    There was a point in my life, where I stopped giving completely, for it seemed I didn't know how to do this correctly. If this makes sense.

    My giving emotions or connection was broke. I gave for all the wrong reasons.  I didn't know if I would be able to give with a giving heart.  

    To feel the connection with the receiver so that it was an empowering exchange.

    A equal flow of joy.

    I am not sure I can articulate this correctly.

    For, we are often asked to donate, and most often, we mindlessly give.

    However, I now pay attention to what I give to.

    What am I contributing to?

    What am I adding a part of me with?

    How does it make me feel?

    Does this match with my values or morals?

    Where am I putting me and does it agree with who I am?

    When we give, we are placing a piece of us into the lives of another.

    We are sharing.

    Again it is an exchange.

     

    We often speak of exchanging gifts.

    I have to look up that word.

    "Exchange"

    "an act of giving one thing and receiving another (especially of the same type or value) in return."

    To me, it is when we have a mutual respect and value each other…we are exchanging love and kindness.  However, if one side doesn't feel the same way, it isn't an exchange. It is lopsided. 

    This unevenness or difference in respect is where my giving falls away.

    It is inauthentic to me to give where I am not respected.

    I honor this.

    Funny, when I feel the mutual love and respect, giving flows naturally.  Something within me doesn't bulk or feel uncomfortable.

    There are times when I don't give, that I receive silence.

    Which leaves me puzzled.  Like it wasn't my choice to give; but an expectation.

    I can give when I know that the piece of me I am sharing will be honored and respected.

    There is a phrase among quilters, "Quilt Worthy".

    Meaning will the person see the time and effort it takes to make a quilt and treat it with respect.

    I now see this term spreading to all facets of my life.

    Gift worthy.

    It isn't about whether they are needy; but do our morals, values match.  Is there a personal respect, kindness and love for each other. 

    Am I free to give or not give and it will not color our relationship?

    If you don't not value me, you will not value what I give.

    It will not be an empowering exchange for me…or for you.

    We will then be exchanging a gift that carries disingenuous energies.

    Giving for me isn't about need; but rather an exchange of energies.

    How you see me, does ignite my giving heart…or close it down.

    My self-respect knows when I am free to give.

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  • Asking.

    I see the outcome of the election and can relate that too my own personal upheaval or disruption to my life. 

    When I was clearly defined by my religion and family, I wasn't anchored into a deeper part of Me.  I didn't know who I was, when both of my identifying sources changed…and I was lost.

    Lost, confused, angry, and very scared.

    When after trying to change the outside, I knew that the only one I could have any power with was me.  I wasn't able to sway or convince anyone to see what I saw or to experience what I had.  While I was so adamant about changing their lives, my own life was neglected.

    I wasn't doing me.

    I wasn't with me.

    I wasn't feeling me.

    I wasn't here.

    After losing myself yet again trying to figure them out, I stopped.

    I left them all to fend for themselves; which freed me up to do my own life.

    What I know for sure, is that the things that seem the worst often reveal to us our biggest gifts. 

    I am so completely grateful that I was given the eyes to see the truth, no matter how horrible it was to see.

    For, in doing so, I was able to then change my life completely.

    What I had first blamed on the church and family, actually turned out to be Me.

    I was the cause of all my angst.

    I was the one who was not seeing their truths.

    And, my own.

    I wasn't looking deep enough in my own life, at my own needs, secrets, beliefs, thoughts, prejudices…

    It is so damn easy to ask someone else to change; but try and change your own mind.

    Try and sway your own sense of the world to see a new view.

    What is so disempowering is to try and change other people.

    It completely leaves you powerless.

    What I also think is so telling, is that many hung their hats on someone else being the change they wanted to see in the world.  Yet real lasting change happens at home.  Not only at home; but in your very own life.

    I feel so unaffected by the election.

    Now.

    And, when there are applicable results in my world that will be asking me to respond, I will.

    What I know for certain, is that my peace, love and joy are not held in another's hand.

    I am no longer a codependent upon an outer world to make me feel a certain way.

    The deeper we are rooted in who we are and our understanding of humanity; the more compassionate and at peace we are.

    Upheaval is natural.

    It too has its own feelings. 

    Feel it.

    And find your center in the midst of chaos.

    Ask, what is the chaos showing us?

    What can we learn from this?

    About ourselves.

    What I know, is that throwing words at a mind that is unconvinced only wears you out…and keeps you out of your own life.

    The greatest way we can affect change is to be the change we want to see.

    Do, what you wish they would do.

    My life has prepared me for this.

    To find peace and not be defined by others.

    What I also know, that when I worked so hard to change others, I learned the most about myself.  So, what you think is their lesson, could really be yours.

    What is this here to teach me, is what we should all be asking.

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  • Standing Firm with Pete Rollins…Robcast

     

     

    Above is a podcast that echoes some of what I have been thinking about since the results of our latest presidential election.

    What is interesting about this conversation is it is with a gentleman who was raised in Ireland…so, he understands when a country is divided.

    Very insightful -my calmness was explained as well. 

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  • I Didn’t Know

    When two sides can't find common ground, how do you find a foothold?  

    How can we hold on to our own values and morals when others believe in the opposite?

    When ignorance isn't so much that they don't know; but it feels they ignore the truth?

    I believe, we all have to rub up against things that insult our values, in order to strengthen what we believe and to find out who we truly are.

    I listened to NPR yesterday and a man suggested that the Norwegian countries were mostly the same and they didn't have as much conflict; there is no one different than them.

    In America, we are the melting pot.  We have the opportunity to experience diversity and learn about other traditions. And, yet sometimes we act like we live in Finland…and we are all the same; that we come from the same paths, traditions, and we look exactly alike.  

    I also believe, instead of trying to change their minds, it is important we continue growing as a person.  To expand and stretch our own concepts of humanity.  To look inwardly and see our own prejudices.  Even to learn how others see you. 

    What is their experience of you, shows you the other side.

    Recently, I was given a view of me that I had not seen or even contemplated.

    That I am an "UnSafe" person.

    I was shocked and I reeled from this truth for a day.  

    Me, a woman who speaks out loud, who breaks the silence of abuse, IS unsafe?  

    How?  

    It has always been my intention to empower women. To give them a voice and a choice.  

    My journey for myself has been to find peace, love and joy.  

    To be more spiritually connected to the spirit of me. To align my feelings, my truth with my voice and my actions. To live a life of authenticity.  How, then can I ever be unsafe?

    How am I hurtful?

    As the conversation continued, I understood completely how this is so….for some.

    My outspoken, breaking the silence of abuse voice, is a sign that IF an abused women is seen with me, she is thinking or seeking to be like me.  I am a threat to her abuser.  And, it places her in more danger to be seen talking to the "likes" of me.

    What I hadn't considered was the consequences for the abused.

    For those un-empowered.

    How even those who are planning on rising up, cannot show their rise of revolt.

    At first, I shed tears for the added pain I caused.  

    I then shed tears for me, for my aloneness, even from woman who like me, have experienced abuse.  I make their lives worse, not better.  I cannot be their friend.

    After a few days of sitting in this new truth of me, I came to believe that I am a threat.

    And, a promise.

    A hope on the horizon.

    That it is possible to leave the ashes of abuse and rise.

    I am a sign.

    While I have been treated like a leper, it wasn't all about Me.

    It was more directed at their own personal landscapes; I was shunned in order for them to save face.

    To keep their worlds spinning with the least amount of damage.

    The absence I have felt, the silent voices not joining me, were at times a very heavy burden to carry.  To stand often as one, against the many. 

    I felt I had to be stronger, just to carry being me.

    And, I was drawn to other strong women.

    Individuals who were often black sheep, badasses, misfits and rebels.

    Women whose lives gave them obstacles to rise against. 

    Strong women are not born; we are made by what we overcome.

    I can stand stronger today, knowing that I am not only a threat to the abusers; but the horizon of hope.  

    How you see me, depends upon where you stand.

    I am willing to stand alone.

    Willing to be shunned.

    In order for women to know it is possible.

    To escape the legacy of abuse.

    To find the You, you were born to be!

    I am your very loud and visual cheerleader – cheering you on.

    I will now look upon the silences without judgement.

    For, forgive me, I didn't know.

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  • A Stronger Me

    What we are seeing today in the political world, is just another view of what many of us have experienced in our lives.   What I had thought, previous to the outcome, was not to let it define us.  Or, more importantly, hold the power for your well being.

    To find that place inside of you, that goes beyond what others say and do. 

    And, to be okay.

    Well, more than okay.

    Each of us still are who we were yesterday.

    We will each continue forward on the track of our lives.

    Defining who we are by how we act as a response to life and not the triggers.

    I am still married to a very kind hearted man.  Who will define, and be the role model to my son.

    I am still the controversial woman who stands up for her truth and against abuse…and is a role model for my daughters, that you define your own Self.  It isn't how others treat you; but how you treat yourself.  The truth of your own life matters.

    My life holds extreme amounts of things to be grateful for; its peace, love and joy.

    Time will be the true teacher of the meaning of this election.

    Each of us are asked to continue on sowing our truth, finding our love and being even more accountable for our actions.  

    I will lean harder into being a stronger Me.

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  • Imprint upon humanity!

    Today we Vote.

    Each day we vote.

    We vote on the choices we make and why?

    We vote on evolution or progression….

    We vote to try and stop evolution.

    We vote with our voices or our silences.

    We vote for with the friends we make and those we cast aside.

    We vote with our inner feelings.

    Some in fear and some with awareness.

    We vote awake and we vote while under the spell of ignorance.

    Some votes matter more than others.

    Yet each vote we make defines to ourselves who we are and what we stand for.

    What we see as our future or cling to our past.

    Each of us paddle our own canoes…and the directions we seek.

    Each of our voices matter.

    We are a integral part of humanity.

    We do sway its balance.

    Let your voice align with your inner soul of who you are.

    Vote and add your imprint upon humanity!

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