I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • It is so.

    On Evelyn's blog,

     http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/

    I was told I was "Insulting".  It came as a surprise; but not so much.

    I had to look up the word "Insult" to see if my intentions fit the definition.

    "Speak to or treat with disrespect – or scornful abuse.   To affect offensively or damagingly."

    The conversation is about sexual abuse within the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church).

    How did I insult them?

    I am a past member.

    I was also victimized by sexual abuse while being a member.

    In my experiences, many (but not all) parishioners knew.

    No one contacted the police; upon knowing about a perpetrator (my father).

    My viewpoint is from here.

    And, it is insulting to (some) if not all, members.

    My 'sweeping' generalizations are affronting and off putting and are treated as false accusations.

    I have sat with this.

    They (most, but not all) don't like to be clumped together.

    So, I tried to see them as individuals; separately IN their beliefs.

    Trying to not lump them as one moving ameba.

    Here is what I know of their beliefs; for at one time I believed it to be so.

    Women are not allowed to;

    Use birth control

    Color their hair

    Paint their nails

    Wear make-up

    And, I am sure Tattoos are out.

    I lived by this ideology for 46 years.  The church (Beliefs) owned my body.  I believed it was a sin to do thee above.  It was many years after leaving the church that I realized I now owned my body.

    As far as I know; the women of the church still believe this to be true.

    Just this alone; makes them one.

    They all align themselves underneath these beliefs.

    Certainly there are other factors in their lives that are different….but, there are so many life controlling beliefs that create an image of being of one mind.

    To those who have had free will, where their bodies are concerned, this will seem madness.

    Another part of the belief system is controlling what the body does and where it goes….what is acceptable and what is not.

    I am guilty of seeing them as one large belief system, moving around under the control of consenting beliefs about their bodies and sins.

    So, not only are they told what they can and can't do with their bodies, they are also told where they can and cannot go.  Certainly, there are places that are neutral, but it is the idea, that they agree to being controlled.

    I know, that while under the spell of trying to remain sinless; they inadvertently become one.

    I am almost certain my sharing experiences of ill behavior was equally as insulting as making sweeping generalizations and keeping them in a group.

    I don't find that I am insulting them; but instead pointing out where they perhaps, are insulting themselves.

    I am not being disrespectful; but respecting their beliefs…and yet am told I am insulting them.

    I don't believe they know or are aware of their sameness and yet are.

    It is a sleight of hands…within their own minds.

    I literally tried to keep my end of the conversation about me and my experiences.  

    There is a saying about speaking and tossing paint out to see where it sticks.

    To me, those who rise rapidly in defense…the paint is sticking.

    My words struck a cord…somewhere.

    The second part of being told I insult folks was to look at what I was saying and how I could water it down to lessen the bite.

    Immediately, I felt that to make them appear kinder….would water down my experiences.  It would be to disrespect me; or insult my truths.

    Purposefully and for the sake of their 'comfort'.

    I won't.

    Here is the dilemma the members of this church (most) are facing.  If the truth about abuse and the lack of reporting etc are too insulting to hear….how can they change what they don't acknowledge?

    It appears they have no troubles finding fault in me, my delivery, my recounting, and the way I see most members.

    I am insulting; not that abuse within the church is.

    When faced with the challenges…I feel I have lost the battle.

    The battle being to have adults step up to help the children.

    What am I supposed to do or say, when they quickly attack the messenger.

    It stuns and amazes me the antics of the wily mind.

    Another part of the discussion that has me at a disadvantage, is that most; but not all, don't use their names.  Some a first name, many just their initial. 

    It is to be in a roomful of people who can see me; but I can only see a few, the rest have their faces blacked out.  I don't know to whom I am speaking or by whom I am being called insulting.

    This discussion, I feel doesn't even get to leave the gate…for it is stalled by their unwillingness to welcome the truth no matter how it walks through.

    I left it saying perhaps they need someone with a gentle kind manner to deliver the goods.

    But deep in my bones, I know it isn't me….personally.  It is what I am carrying.

    I made a quilt today.

    A Peace on Earth, Quilt….and before I could walk away….I felt the words were missing something.

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    They were. 

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    "To Me."

    "Peace on Earth to Me…."

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    If each of us were to keep peace inside of us; we would have a peaceful world.

    To do this for me, I must honor me.  

    My past

    My feelings

    My truth as I know it.

    How will watering it down save a child?

    How will making the church kinder and sweeter be of use….when, in my experience it isn't so.

    This is, what I believe they(many) are doing; in hopes that if they believe in the kindness of its members….abuse will walk away.

    Sadly, it isn't abuse that walks away. Abuse stays; while good intentioned people are not believed, called insulting…etc.

    You all are together within the church…who is in there with you?

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    Certainly, I who is on the outside….isn't doing the abuse inside.  The harm isn't coming from outside of this religion…

    It is inside…and I, on the outside, am trying to tell you it is so.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Seem kinder….

    Why do I feel invited and wanted; when a blog post talks about abuse within the families of the FALC?  Why do I feel they want to hear what those of us who have been abused, have to say.  Words about their faith and their non-actions?  Even as I type "non-actions" I know they will jump and attack this.

    They attack any words or suggestions that shine a negative light upon their church; faith and its members.

    How can you have a dialogue about a negative subject and its neglect by so many and not speak in terms that are not favorable.

    What I feel they want the most is to discuss abuse within the church, but to leave the church and its teachings and its people alone.

    This rang a bell of familiarity this morning, in regards to my family.

    Meaning, how can we discuss freely, the abuse WITHIN the family and not dissect and tear apart the family?  

    This is the trouble with abuse when it happens within families and friends and within families that belong to the same religion.  

    There is little room to navigate this subject IF you can't talk about the very problem and its source.

    Just sit with the fact that they are seeking to break the silence about abuse within the churches families….but let's not speak unkindly.  

    I was expected to stand against abuse; but not family.

    How, when abuse happened within the family.

    This is the same strong negative wall that arises when you are trying to discuss abuse within the families of the church.   They are not open to criticisms in any way, shape or form. But let's discuss….

    Really?

    And sadly, the one who is trying to show the evidence, the proof and their failures IS the one who is attacked.  I have had years of this already….do I truly need more?

    Why do I put myself in the position to be attacked for speaking out?

    The answer is the child who is still a child in this system.

    I don't want to be the silent compliant adult, who knew and did nothing.

    And yet, I can see and feel the pressure of how resistant they still are.

    And, of course I am lumping them all together when only a small segment has spoken.

    But when I enter into the arena where there is an attempt to open the door upon abuse; the responses are so similar….between the opposing parties.  That is why I guess, I say "they" and "all".   

    My brother did a blog post in 2011, September in fact….and his frustrations of meeting this resistance is so eloquently worded. And Felt.  

    It shows our caring and trying and our failing.

    http://messyguru.typepad.com/messy_guru/2011/09/waiting-for-dorthy-to-call.html

    Failing….to get the kind folks of the church to believe enough to rise and organize and revolt; for the children.

    Unless and until you try and elicit movement from members, you won't truly know the strength of their resistance. The questions they fail to ask and the things they focus on.  It is mind boggling at best and completely tiring at least.  

    Yet, what keeps me coming back are the children that hang in the balance.  

    Are we traveling down a road that will open up one day….or is it a brick wall I am beating myself against?

    Sometimes I wonder if my silence would have been more beneficial….but it seems I am unable to sit by in silence…when abuse and the FALC are mentioned.

    This is a trigger for me.

    I want to be part of the movement for change…to be the voice of the voiceless to give a hand to the children who are still in harms way.  

    There appears to be a very narrow road filled with land mines as we dare to break the silence.

    What I feel most will want, is for things to remain the same; but change. For their religion to come out unscathed….while the monsters are taken out.

    How?

    Is it possible to remove the father and still have a complete family?

    Can you poke about in a religion to sew up its holes and not insult someone?

    For today…the discussion has yet come to terms as what we can do different. All I have met with so far is what I can do different.  I can speak kinder and not make broad assumptions, I can do this and that….

    I have to change and the perhaps the churches families will seem kinder…

     

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  • Too Much to Lose.

    What I should have known, but didn't, is that a person will only hear, if he has nothing to lose.

    It isn't the power of our words, nor the facts of reality; but literally how what we say impacts their world.  What will it cost them to hear us.

    What part of their world will end?

    What person's imagine will shift and change?

    What will it then require of them to bring it in?

    I am exchanging words on a blog and noticed how confrontational the conversation becomes when I bring up sexual abuse and the FALC in the same sentence.  

    However, when I have spoken of my sexual abuse and the FALC with folks who are not in this faith…the flow is completely different.

    My story doesn't change, the facts don't change, the people don't change….but the listener is different.

    The sentiment of the original blog, was to bring up the subject of sexual abuse within the families of the FALC, and to also challenge its members to act.   

    Through the commentary on the comments…you can see the steep hill that will be needed to start making a difference.

    I am not sure what will mobilize them; for there isn't a stir towards the victims, but much action towards defending the church and its people.

    What I am also so amazed by, when we mention abusers in the church, no one asks for names….locations etc.

    Now, if there was a murmur of a teacher in a school district that their child attended, you would see a riot erupt.

    Isn't it so fascinating how the mind works.  How it knows what will affect your life, what will change your world and the cost of truth entering in.  And, it will put up a righteous fight to keep your world unchanged.

    I didn't know that in order to have an open mind, you have to be willing to lose it all.

    Or, have nothing left to lose.

    Our minds hear, not our ears.  It isn't the truth itself that matters.  It isn't the content, or the precise facts; but rather what we personally will lose if we were to hear, hear, hear what a victim has to say.

    Or, not even a victim. 

    A friend…who can see clearer; because they have nothing to lose to see your truth.

    Our minds create our worlds over reality.

    I know, that I personally, had a completely different view of my whole life.  There was very little that touched reality; yet I believed in it wholeheartedly.  

    Someone suggested I seek therapy.  

    I would suggest they seek reality.

    The greatest therapy that I have had, is the lessons of bringing my mind into reality.

    You have to be willing to lose it all, in order to gain the incredible thrilling and brilliantly devastating reality.

    Once you walk with reality; you will not settle for the world the mind creates.

    My ears have an open mind…and I have learned to lose with grace; to reality.

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    Some may say I am black and white; that I don't know where the grey areas are.  All I know is what is reality and what is not.

    Who has an ear willing to hear…

    And, who has too much to lose.

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  • From Whence I Came.

    From "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert…

    "Motives"

    "Oh, and here's another thing: You are not required to save the world with your creativity."

    "Your art not only doesn't have to be original, in other words; it doesn't have to be important."

    "For example: Whenever anybody tells me that they want to write a book in order to help other people, I always think, Oh please don't."

    "Please don't try to help me."

    "I mean, it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don't make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls. (It reminds me of this wonderful adage from the British columnist Katharine Whitehorn: "You can recognize the people who live for others by the haunted look on the faces of the others.") I would so much rather you wrote a book in order to entertain yourself than to help me.  Or if your subject matter is darker and more serious, I would prefer that you made your art in order to save yourself, or to relieve yourself of some great psychic burden, rather than to save or relieve us."

    "I once wrote a book in order to save myself. I wrote a travel memoir in order to make sense of my own journey and my own emotional confusion. All I was trying to do with that book was figure myself out.  In the process, though, I wrote a story that apparently helped a lot of other people figure themselves out – but that was never my intention.  If  I'd just sat down to write Eat Pray Love with the sole aim of helping others, I would've produced an entirely different book. I might have even produced a book that was insufferably unreadable. (Okay, okay…Admittedly a lot of critics found  Eat Pray Love insufferably unreadable as it was – but that's not my point: My point is that I wrote that book for my own purposes, and maybe that's why it felt genuine, and ultimately even helpful to many readers.)   Elizabeth…

     

    I understand this and it makes great sense.

    I love that I am not responsible to help others with this blog OR with my art.

    Although to be honest, I did want to go public with my journey so that others would see they were not alone…and in hopes it would help someone.  For, at the time I was so confused, there wasn't anyone writing about this experience that I was going through.

    I have tried to help, and write with helping in mind.

    But, now I know why some of my greatest writings are when I am trying to just figure me out.  It is for my own selfish purpose.

    When I am doing my art…it is all about me.

    On rare occasion I try and make it a viable message….and those fail.

    My best pieces of Art, are those that I don't even understand until years later.

    There is a burden when doing anything for others….if it is just that sole purpose; if you are not enjoying the doing of it.

    This was great for me to read tonight as the discussion on another blog is taking on the issue of sexual abuse in the church….or the families of the church.

    I often write my comments as 'helping' and I am sure they feel heavy.

    I will have to watch how I interact and the reasons why.

    I should be able to discern this by how I feel.

    If it flows freely and I am not trying to help or teach; but express me….it should feel and be genuine, and less burdensome to others.

    Often I am learning more about myself as I respond and ponder and reflect at who I was prior to discovering my own sexual abuse.

    The two lives are so completely different.

    As I try and talk to the women who are walking where I once walked….I will have to find a way to talk; for I am talking to Me in my Past.

    I truly don't know what the tone will be; what I can say or how…that will connect us.

    Is there a place for us to stand….a piece of ground that overlaps.

    A common place where the old me and this new one can meet?

    Something we both have in common?

    What part of me now is the same as the old me?

    Nothing comes to mind.

    My free spirit and my caged self….

    The sleeping and the awakened.

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    My frustrations lie in not having a common road; a place for us to meet…a language we both can hear…and be heard.

    Who I am today is like a free soul; unburdened…because I can see.

    I stand with my truths…even the ugliest I embrace.

    It is like I am still the same me; but one that sees all of me and loves her.

    The old me didn't see much.  Okay, didn't see myself.

    At all.

    How would I have been able to help another see; if I myself was blind?

    A person born into captivity has no trouble with their cage.

    You can't see something wrong when wrong has been your normal.

    It is a miracle that I am who I am today….coming from whence I came.

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    "Relax, you are not in charge…."

  • The Child in Me.

    Isn't it so telling, that there are two sides, when we speak  about abuse within the families of a strict religion?  

    From a church community whose lives portray high morals and values and yet, when it comes to 'breaking the silence' about abuse…the silence is deafening.

    Many of these same members will pull children out of classrooms, will stalk teachers about their curriculum and yet, when a evil entity enters their family and abuses their children.  Silence.

    How is it that they can be so outspoken to spare their child from learning about different concepts in life and be so quiet when it comes to expressing the sins, failings, crimes among the folks on the pews?

    Is there a double standard for those outside of the church, compared to inside?

    Is there also a different bar set for those inside the family….like no bar at all. Any kind of behavior is acceptable…and the mother will not explode in an outcry of what is 'good' for her child.

    I just am confounded and amazed at the double lives so many lead.

    How dare they be outraged at a child watching a movie and be okay with Uncle, Father, brother, son so and so, molesting a child.  I know, again, there will be outrage for my wording here.  I get it.

    What you all don't know or fail to remember IS THAT I WAS YOU.

    I lived in complete denial for 46 years.

    I too tried to shelter my children from the 'sins of the world' while allowing my child to be friendly with a pedophile, who's my father.  I get it.

    I had fear set deep in my bones about my father and I denied my body….and instead choose to keep sweet with the family.

    I was you.

    I am not just spouting off without experience.

    I am trying to awaken you to what I too didn't know and what no one spoke to me about.

    I have spoken to many women within in the church and some from other strict churches and it is like there is a wall called "belief" or "Faith" that stands in the way of action.

    They are waiting for it to be okay to tell.

    Waiting for the climate in the church to be okay with speaking up and taking actions.

    They know their child has been abused.

    They know, they were abused.

    They also know, if they speak of a sin that has been washed away….they become a sinner.

    Their faith holds them back.

    Their faith keeps them silent; complaint in order to arrive at heaven's gate one day.

    Their own personal future is standing in the way.

    And, more often than not, their own abuse has limited their ability to see abuse; for it will mean to deal with their own.

    The list is long and entangled; between religion, their faith and abuse….albeit repressed or too afraid to address it for it will mean grave changes within their family.

    There are also those folks who don't want to fully bring in evil into their sacred religion and faith.  It is their belief, that the evil has been washed away in the sea of grace and it isn't something that they can now take to the Law of the Land, or put up a boundary against.

    I too used to believe in this magical forgiveness.  Only to find all that I forgave lingered on and had a life of its own.  The sins were who they were, not an anomaly.

    The false belief is that the abuser 'can't help themselves' and the teachings of the church is that the body has sinful needs.  Removing all blame and responsibility from the sinner and giving it to the one who was the victim of this sin.

    I know, that there are minor sins….but the belief that even the most evil among us are to be forgiven is where pedophiles fall through the crack and flourish.

    There are two sides.  Denial and the Honest truth.

    Just knowing we butt heads; means we are not on the same page.

    Where can we stand in agreement?

    What is up for scrutiny?

    Is it possible to lay down your faith and would you?

    It wasn't until a small child echoed my experience of abuse with my father that my eyes and ears opened.  

    I was no longer unaware.

    What can I do or say to elicit the same response?

    Is there anything to convince a person against their will?

    And isn't the actions of folks in denial the very content of denial?

    Perhaps I speak for the child in me…

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  • Bring a Child Peace

    Each time the topic of sexual abuse arises within families of the FALC (first apostolic lutheran church), the first line of defense is "the church isn't to blame for the failings of individuals"…

    It is like they can't bear to have their church lumped in with the abusive families….even IF the abusive families are members.  

    Even if the foundation of the churches teachings go hand and hand with the agenda of the perpetrators.

    The core belief is the "forgiveness of sins" and each time this subject comes up, there is one in the crowd who will remind us "there isn't a sin to big to forgive" or "all sins are to be forgiven".   Meaning, we will serve the abuser our forgiveness of the evil act he/she has done.

    Secondly, the churches rules for women in particular is that their bodies are not their own.  They are unable to do with them as they please…for to do so is a sin.

    Each family within the church structures their lives and homes to echo the teachings of the church….and yet when abuse enters, they want to sever the church from the sins.

    If I felt to the depth of my being that the morals and values of the church honored and respected women and children, I would be less critical of the church when addressing abuse by its members.

    It is my belief that most members of the church are 100% Christian. That their goal in life is to be compliant to the church at all costs.  Even the cost of innocent lives.

    I know this will enrage and insult many.

    I also know, that children within the church are suffering in silence due to this very strong belief among its members.

    Their faith is first.

    Always.

    No matter what.

    How dare you even attempt to smear its reputation.

    Reputation for what, I ask?

    We (those inside and outside of the church) need to start a constructive dialogue, but each time we begin, we are shut down.

    The double edged sentiment that they are for the children is so hard to see and believe, when the first thing they defend is the church.

    Is it possible to lay the church down and talk about abuse?

    Is it possible to put aside the forgiveness of sins and talk about who did what to whom?

    Is it possible for women who have been subjected to limited freedom to now stand up and walk and talk with courage?

    The biggest hurdle is for them to lay down their faith and put aside their beliefs to enter into the arena of sexual abuse.

    To see clearly and hear horrific truths about the members of their church.  Can they?

    Members of their families…extended families, folks they share a pew with each Sunday.

    Will they place the title "Christian" on the ground and see the monsters?

    My mother, EVEN after seeing her husband in an orange jumpsuit, STILL didn't want to hear about her husband; different than her ideal of him.

    Denial is running rampant.

    And, in my experience, the forgiveness of sins is a major contributor….for it wipes away reality so the abuser once again is a clean christian man/woman.

    In order for the voices of the abused to be heard, the church and its agenda has to be set aside.  And, knowing this, makes it a huge fence that allows the abusers to abuse un-seen and un-reported.

    Imagine?

    When a victim of sexual abuse comes forth, will a church member hear or only defend their faith?

    We the victims know what is important by what you defend.

    When you come out of the gate with words of not wanting your church to be equal to the 'failings' of its members….

    Faith wins and Victims lose.

    Abusers wins and the abused lose.

    And you cannot in good conscience say you are against abuse.

    You are against anyone 'trashing' your church based upon the sins of its members.

    Oh, and another thing, once I am again upon the soap box.

    To say "abuse is everywhere, in every neighborhood and church…." 

    To 'lessen' the impact that has when found in the christian families….incites me.

    For sure the FALC doesn't own the sole market on abuse; but its numbers are staggering.  Incredible the lineage of families that have abuse weaved into their legacy.

    And, if you understood the perfect climate for abuse, the church ranks very very high, due to is strict rules and lack of freedom for its member…plus that nifty wiping away mechanism for sins.

    The Old Apostolic church "Elder Board" just recently told its members that it is "okay" to report abuse to the law.

    Yes, that's right.

    Has the FALC done the same?  Is it in the Greetings of Peace?

    Just as you can't bear a discussion where your church/faith and beliefs are questioned, I can't find a way to discuss this without including it.

    Hence the silences.

    Who is willing to give up their long held beliefs for the sake of a child?

    Oh, and here is the link to a blog that started this….

    http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/#comment-10806

     

    When you think of God's peace….think of what would bring a child peace.

     

     

  • What Is and What Was.

    "In order to forgive, something has to die"…Brene Brown, speaking with Oprah.

    I agree with this.  

    The forgiveness I was taught, was that IF you forgave someone, then nothing changed.  It kept reality the same.  Like, the Sin never happened; it was washed away.

    When forgiveness has a loss attached, a death of what was…it isn't wiping away anything, but bringing in a new truth that changes everything.

    It dovetails with "Forgiveness is accepting that the past can be no different."

    You have to accept it and in doing so something will die.  A relationship, a dream, a future…

    Forgiving them for changing your life.

    One thing Brene talked about was regrets.   She made it sound negative IF you had none.   I don't.  

    But, I don't consider it a negative in my world.

    The reason I have no regrets, is that I did the best I could with the understanding and awareness I had at the time.  I didn't act less than I could, out of choice.  It was the highest I could respond given where I was at the time.

    Making people feel that regrets are a positive thing; equals to believing things could be different.   The opposite of the forgiveness message that Oprah speaks of.

    How can you forgive yourself, IF you have regrets?

    Or, how can you fully love yourself if there are parts of you, you can't accept?

    It is to look at your past and wish you were different.

    I believe, in order to fully accept yourself, you have to fully acknowledge all the things you did and why.  

    I acted perfectly perfect, coming from whence I came.

    I was displaying my awareness or the lack thereof.  I was acting completely as someone who lived in denial would act.   There is nothing I would change….IF I could.   

    It was reality unfolding as it would given the circumstances of my childhood, my teachings, my religion, my abuse…I acted completely normal coming from abnormal.

    I just don't believe it is helpful to wish things were different….that is the road out of reality.  And, you can't learn about yourself unless and until you walk hand and hand with reality of what is and what was.

    There is much I do agree with in this interview….

     

     

     

  • In Charge of Me.

    "Relax, you are not in charge" was the thought that arose in Yoga today…as my left hip joint felt like it was strung way way too tight.

    As I stayed in a posture, I could almost feel the constricted joint…and I asked the question while rubbing where it screamed in pain; what belief or thoughts is creating this?  What came was for me to relax for I wasn't in control.

    Instead, I could relax and let it be.

    I wasn't in charge of anyone but me.

    I don't know, if there ever was a time that I felt this to the DNA of Me….this letting go of being in charge.

    As I write this, I also know that those of us who were abused, need this facade in place so not to see/feel/hear the trauma of abuse. We need this false sense of being in control in an otherwise uncontrolled environment.

    If we keep us in charge; than the world will not go to hell in hand basket.  

    In our minds we need to believe we are in control in an out of control world.

    So we stay in control of everything.

    We hold ourselves accountable for things we can no way control.

    This ridiculous belief that saved me from feeling out of control has now outlived its use.

    Relax, you are not in charge.

    If their world falls apart….it does.  If all hell breaks loose, oh well.  Like I actually was making any headway in anyone's life anyway.  They all were going merrily on their way….while I felt in charge of them.

    In charge, so not to see the mess beneath.  I used my mind to work at taking charge instead of seeing them out of control.

    It actually was the sleight of hands…for I would see them as they were about to plunge and try to save them; for I was in charge IF they fall.

    Relax, you are not in charge.

    You didn't put them on the precipice…nor are you the one that sends them over.

    My hand in their lives…has been withdrawn.

    My hand that felt the need to save…to pull them back, to be in charge.

    Relax and let them go.  For going is what they want most.  It is the pull of their journey that tugs them.

    This will be my new mantra…when I feel the urge to control or be responsible.

    "Relax, you are not in charge…."

    I now can be okay when life falls apart….for I wasn't in charge.  

    Journeys will flow, ebb and change…at their free will.

    I love that I am not in charge…I feel the energy of being set free.

    Relax…relax, relax.

    I believe, I never felt that someone was in charge.

    And, took the empty seat.

    I am now getting up and walking into my life; alone.

    I want to just be in charge of me!

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  • Care the most.

    Just living your life, often is very hard. And harder still if you are a recovering Co-Dependent.   

    What I fail to know about myself, is where I am attached, until another person's life choices are not mine.  And, I feel like part of me IS making that choice.   

    It is then, I know I am way too attached.

    To bow out with grace and let life be….is a huge relief.

    I get to just be me, doing what I love.

    Today in Yoga, I felt like I had taken my left leg and pulled it back to me.  Like perhaps part of my body was stuck in the lives of others….as I cared.

    I was taught that care meant taking over a life.

    Not that care meant being solely responsible for your own soul and knowing each and every other person was solely responsible for their life's choices too.

    It is their soul's journey.

    I recalled a paragraph from Byron Katie.

    "I don't know what's best for me or you or the world.  I don't try to impose my will on you or on anyone else.  I don't want to change you, improve you, or convert you, or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love.  The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

    I have learned when my will appears imposing to exit.

    What I have a harder time with is withdrawing my care.

    I am fairly good at accepting things as they come….and go.

    The going, I know is reality showing me its strength.

    For, to try and hold on to someone who is already gone….is pointless.

    I no longer wish things to be different.

    I wish for me to adjust peacefully to their absence.

    It is helpful to return to my world.

    To bring in both my legs and do Me.  I can't live fully in my life, if a huge part of me is dancing in yours.  Or perhaps more true, stomping around.

    I love that my legs get to be here in my life.

    My life is my business and where I have to care the most.

     

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  • The Inside?

    "If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself."  Cheryl Richardson.

     

    How often do you avoid conflict?

    How often do you create a war within you in order to keep a friendship or relationship?  

    How often do you lose a friendship in order to keep peace inside?

    I used to be the biggest peacemaker on the Outside…while a million little wars raged on the inside.  I would explode for minor causes….and swallow my truths to keep the outside smiling…while wearing a fake smile with gritted teeth.

    No more.

    My inner peace is most important.

    It is all I have to identify myself with.

    It is the barometer that I lead my life from.

    When angst, turmoil, and an upset gut feeling happens….I respond.

    When an untruth is trying to convince me to its truth…I resist.

    Coming from denial, my aim now is to be as aware as I can to me and my outside world.  To see What Is….and be with it.

    I used to be identified or labeled from the outside.  

    I didn't know me on the inside; for I had denied her to the point of nonexistence.

    In order to find me, to be me, I had to start speaking and living from the inside out.

    And, it did cause a stir.

    For I had relationships based on lies to myself.

    They were in a relationship with someone that wasn't true.

    I am now true to me.

    Always.

    At the frustration and annoyance of some.

    I refuse to bend and capitulate for their ease or comfort or peace.

    I refuse to be in conflict with myself.

    In the past, I created two of me.  The outward peacemaker and the one who was denied.

    Now there is only one.

    It was to have died and to be reborn.

    It took courage and huge amounts of bravery to live from the inside out and to lose so much.  But, the alternative was to live without me. To live as a facade of me.

    While I lost much; I gained even more.

    And that which I gained has substance.

    Value

    Morals

    Integrity

    Authenticity

    Uniqueness

    Creative energy

    Unknown depths and adventures.

    The brilliance of being Me.

    I make no apologies for who I am.

    I will not die as me, in order to agree.

    The truest conflict there ever is….Is between you and YOU.

    Who are you….Inside?

    How much of you have you denied?

    Is the fullest view of you….from the outside….or the inside?

     

    I am making Angels.   I feel them as the energies that have helped me be Me.

     

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    The Angel of courage….to be Me.

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    and, the Angel of Love….dancing with Peace!