I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Step into the Unknown.

    From Elizabeth Gilbert's latest book, "Big Magic"

    "Fear is Boring"   I love that phrase!

    "Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture.  I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist or an unexpected ending.  My fear was a song with only one note – only one word, actually – and that word was "STOP!" My fear never had anything more interesting or subtle to offer than that one emphatic word, repeated at full volume on an endless loop: "STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!"

    "Which means that my fear always made predictably boring decisions, like a choose-your-own-ending book that always had the same ending: nothingness."

    "I also realized that my fear was boring because it was identical to everyone else's fear.  I figured out that everyone's song of fear has exactly that same tedious lyric: "STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!" True the volume may vary from person to person, but the song itself never changes, because all of us humans were equipped with the same basic fear package when we were being knitted together in our mother's womb. And not just human:  If you pass your hand over a petri dish containing a tadpole, the tadpole will flinch beneath your shadow.  That tadpole can't write poetry, and it cannot sing, and it will never know love or jealousy or triumph, and it has a brain the size of a punctuation mark, but it damn sure knows how to be afraid of the unknown."

    "Well, so do I"

    "So do we all. But there's something particularly compelling about that.  Do you see what I mean?  You don't get any special credit, is what I'm saying, for knowing how to be afraid of the unknown. Fear is a deeply ancient instinct, in other words, an evolutionary vital one….but it ain't especially smart."

    "For the entirety of my young and skittish life, I had fixated upon my fear as if it were the most interesting thing about me, when actually it was the most mundane.  In fact, my fear was probably the only 100 percent mundane thing about me. I had creativity within me that was original; I had personality within me that was original; I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original. But my fear wasn't some kind of rare artisanal object; it was just a mass-produced item, available on the shelves of any generic box store."

    "And that's the thing I wanted to build my entire identity around?"

    "The most boring instinct I possessed?"

    "The panic reflex of my dumbest inner tadpole?"

    "No"     Elizabeth Gilbert

     

    How interesting that fear is screaming to stop.  

    To stop life and all its wondrous opportunities to experience something new.

    Imagine a life where you said "YES"….instead of STOP?

    Where would you go, what would you do, what choices would you make different and how would they impact your life?

    Being able to say yes regardless of the fear is huge.

    It isn't as Elizabeth says…..to be fearless; but brave.

    "Bravery means doing something scary."

    And, I have heard that being fearless, is to feel fear….but to do it anyway.

    I have vowed to say Yes to me.  

    In the past, I stopped…..out of fear.

    Fear stopped me from being me. From voicing my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings. It stopped me from being me, out of fear that Me would not be acceptable.

    And, the fear was right.  

    I wasn't accepted as me within the dynamics of an abusive family.

    Not the me, with a voice and one who spoke up for herself.

    The old Me had to be silent, and to go along to get along. To be loved, I had to have no voice, different than what was good for the other.  

    She died when I said "Yes"

    I remember being terrified. Yes, terrified to express myself. To stand out and be different, to speak my truth, to say that which was true for me.  I used to feel like I was going to die or be murdered for it.

    And there was a death.  A death of the old me…and more.

    A death of a relationship.

    I lost many due to saying Yes to me…..when in the past I stopped. 

    I stopped myself from speaking my mind, my truth, and being Me.

    Imagine, the multiple ways fear stops us from being all we can be…

    The new me is very mindful of how I answer life's questions.  How I respond will always be to say Yes to me….or stop being me.

    For 46 years, I stopped being myself for love, peace and joy within a family…..and it didn't end well.  

    So, now….I don't stop.

    I continue on with reality, regardless of what it asks and who I lose.  For even if, I stopped, it wouldn't change reality….Only me.

    I would stop being an authentic, creative, unique Me.

    And, over time….I would be a Me, even I couldn't love.

    I love the me that doesn't stop being Me….out of fear.

    I am brave enough to know the scary outcomes of always being honest…and living out what is true for me.

    I love that I am not a boring STOP person.

    But, a yes person… as I step into the unknown.

    IMG_4690

     

     

  • Fall Equinox

    "Equinox – This is the day when both the daytime and nighttime are of the same length, which has been long interpreted to mean that the world is in balance. Once the autumnal equinox passes, the nights begin to get longer and the temperatures will start to fall. Autumn is a time of dual purpose––it is time to gather the main harvests and it is time to determine what is needed for the upcoming winter. This is also about balance and as such, fall is considered the season of balance, a time during which you can restore balance to your own life."

    In the past few days, I have been sitting with a decision I made…and pondering not really the outcome, but perhaps how its decision sits on me.  How does it change who I am or perhaps NOT change me…but how it has changed a relationship in my life.

    What I do know is that I have been living a well balanced life for awhile now…and I do know what will tip me out of balance.  

    I can tell, immediately how 'off' my body feels when even contemplating doing something that goes against my inner peace.

    The oneness I feel or the settledness I feel while in balance can detect quickly what will upset it.

    I feel it is in my best interest to keep the inner balance….even at the cost of an imbalance in the outer world.  

    I am willing to lose a friendship, end a relationship, ask for space to keep my life in balance.

    I know, that in the cycles of life, I will naturally have moments, where I tip out of balance.   Where my inner world has to come to terms with an upsetting moment in life; a death or tragic circumstance.

    But the balance I am talking about is the way we choose to navigate this world.  Where we can know what is yanking us out of balance, but in order to make someone else happy, we are okay tipping.

    I used to tip so much, I pretty much lived my life upside down…in order to bring peace to others.

    I no longer am willing to have my inner balance imbalanced for another's happiness.

    I am unwilling to let my life go off balance due to the choice another makes.

    I step aside.

    In order to keep my balance.

    While I sat with a choice I made to keep me in balance…I tried to find a way to accommodate keeping me in balance…while standing with something that I don't agree with.

    I couldn't find a way.

    To stand with something I don't agree with, I automatically tip.

    I lean.

    I fall away from what is true for me.

    That in and of itself….makes me lose my balance.

    I love that on this Fall Equinox….I was pondering my balance while juggling the weight of a choice I made….only to find that by standing by me, I am keeping my balance.

    I love that Fall is about restoring balance.

    And, what I love even more, is that I practice this throughout the year.

    IMG_4680

    On this Fall Equinox, we created kites and hung them in the wind…our intentions and what stands between us and our furthest reach…written upon them.

    Our words perhaps will help restore a deeper sense of balance to our lives.

    IMG_4675

    Some wrote what to do….

     

    Others, what to let go of….

    IMG_4677

    Both will restore balance…Happy Fall Equinox!

  • A Tutu and Works of Art

    Wearing a Tutu elicits so many different responses…within and from the outside.

    "I don't need attention that bad…" was one of the negative thoughts spoken out loud.

    My own sentiment from long ago.

    But it wasn't about gaining attention…it was about having fun.

    A perfect opportunity to wear a Tutu is the Keweenaw Color Run/Walk!

    Being silly, childlike and filled with joy and happiness with yards of tulle dancing around your hips.  The Tutu begs for you to dance around, twirling…

    In the past, I didn't have within me the space to do this.  

    I felt so pleased that I was able to do this with grace and not shame or embarrassment.

    I was in a place where the Tutu didn't define me, but added fun to my already happy state!

    I was able to meet the Tutu and join its energy of play.

    My first ever Tutu wearing at 56.  I loved it!

    As we waltzed down the street covered in colors from head to tow, with the dancing Tutu, a family was exiting a church.  A young child clutching his Sunday School paper,  looked at us with great interest. The mother's face showed her disproval in her tight lips and adverted eyes.  

    The perfect clash into her Sunday of worship…were 6 Tutu ladies, walking to start the week of Pride at Michigan Tech.

    Our playful, fun and laughter met up with the seriousness of worship.

    Did the child ask about us?

    Did she respond?

    I can't know know know what truly went on after our brief few second encounter; but I felt her non-acceptance of us.

    We clashed with her ideals and beliefs….what she was striving to instill in her child at their place of worship.  The very demons she is hoping to spare him from were yards away…on the sidewalk in front of the church.  

    Tutu wearing Pride walkers.

    IMG_4618

    I was her years ago.

    I don't know what I would have said or did say…if my children had witnessed a parade of walkers drenched in color merrily walking along…kicking off the start of Pride Week.

    IMG_4613

    It felt so right that the walk began and was held during church hours.  It felt like our joyful walk, twirling dance of color and communion with others… was to offset the solemn energy of sinful talk…typical in many churches.

    The simplicity of community joining, was to me what church is all about.

    The acceptance of all and to have music, color and physical movement…moved our spirits to the level of joy.  That is church.

    IMG_4622

    A church outside and one where Tutus are not only accepted, but needed…and our laughter the song that is sung!

     

    Then, in the afternoon, I went to church again.

    IMG_4637

    This time, my Art Class was held in an old church.  Its space dramatically changed from its original; yet not.  

    Art fills the space and the old stainless windows bring in colorful light.

    The juxtaposition between the old use and new, is so striking.

    Both are in the business of Spirit.

    Yet, to me….Art is so much more joyful and uplifting. 

    IMG_4641

    Art connects you with your inner well…and fills it.

    My old church labeled us Sinners.  

    We were not filled with positive energies, but subtracted from.  

    We were drained of spirit by the rules, beliefs and dogma that was preached.  

    Our individual expression frowned upon.  

    We were judged by our sins and the world was evil and to be feared.  

    In my Art Class there was no judgment and free expression was appreciated.  There were no rules or beliefs that we needed to learn.

    We arrived.

    The blank canvas awaited our paint.

    A group of individuals happily did as they felt drawn to draw.

    We each chose our colors, our design…we freely created in harmony.

    The church this time was total freedom.

    IMG_4648

    What a beautiful use of a church.

    I love how my Sundays now are mostly used for Art.

    I would so go to this church EVERY Sunday.  I could stay all day and my soul would be overflowing.

    IMG_4650

    (Michele's Art)

    I always left my old church…knowing I was a poor sinner.  One who could only hope would die with her sins forgiven…so I could escape Hell in eternity.

    This Sunday, I left the church feeling so excited to have experienced Heaven on Earth.

    Both of my Sunday experiences included friends and strangers….alike.  We joined to play and walk together in peace, love and joy!  No negative talk allowed.

    IMG_4654

     

    In the back of my jeep was the remnants of my Joyful Sunday….

    A Tutu and Works of Art!

    IMG_4656

     

  • Opportunity to Shine

    A trip of tests!

    First, our son's truck was broken into, his crucial papers stolen, along with his phone.  So began a search of getting his needed papers back up to Alaska, so he and his dad could drive through Canada.  With help from our daughter, the mail, and a bit of cash, things were ironed out.  All while traveling the highways and byways of Alaska.

    Things that were not replaced were special CD's he had purchased for his dad to listen to while they passed through back country.

    Then, our motor home didn't have a functioning furnace…and the temps dipped as low as the mid to upper 30's some nights, but averaged near 40- 45.  How to keep the sense of adventure when you are too cold to sleep soundly?  My husband wasn't phased at all…he said, this is what camping is about.   The Motorhome company reimbursed us 2 days for being uncomfortable for 11 days.   

    Camping has its quirks, but also its beautiful views.

    IMG_4183

    This view is literally from our camper door!   Cool in more ways than one!

    The second hotel, charged my debit card twice….and wasn't 'able' to undo it until the morning.  I had wanted them to just undo everything and we would relocate to a new place.  But, we were held hostage in order to speak to the manager in the morning.   A hotel with a fabulous lobby and very outdated, not so clean rooms. (I typically judge a hotel by how clean the lobby is…not no more.)

    In the morning the Manager, undid all charges.  Yet, my bank online still doesn't reflect this.  We are still on the solving stage on this one.  The accounting department for my bank said it takes a few days to catch up.

    After a not so restful night in the sketchy hotel, I then walked into the lobby of my newest selection…and gave them my predicament. That, I had a hotel for two nights, but due to their incompetence, I left….and was willing to wait in their lobby, until a room opened up. 

    They had a room and allowed me to go in at 9:30am.  Offered me access to their breakfast bar….etc.  Baked cookies at 7pm tonight and are giving me a later check-out…like 1:30pm.  That allows me less time in the airport before my flight.  If you are in a need of a hotel near the Airport and one that offers Shuttle service, pick MicroTel by Wyndham.

    I love the juxtaposition of what goes wrong and the splendidness of what goes right.

    IMG_4550

    Then, I while playing on my computer….an email came in. "You missed your flight!"

    I panicked.

    Jumped up to get my itinerary and sure enough, I had missed it….an hour ago.

    My heart raced and I quickly dialed up the airlines to see what could be fixed.

    Thinking, I was either going to be here a few days more OR paying up the nose to get home….I sweated while the patient agent tapped at her computer keys.

    Low and behold, I was able to get on my 'original in my mind' flight at no extra fees.

    What has been so interesting about these mishaps, is that they fit into the vacation and not ruin it.  My husband said, if they are something we can solve, they are no longer a problem.  I love that.

    The rainy days were accepted, the foggy ones too…as much as the most beautiful ones, we rode them out.  It didn't ruin anyones attitude or 'wreck' our vacation.

    IMG_4083

    In fact we got to see the two sides of the same thing…to see them in both the dark and light.

    IMG_4099

    It has shown me that I can flow and find creative solutions when things don't go according to plan.  

    I am adaptable.

    Going with the flow means to deal with things as they happen, staying with the solution instead of focusing on the "thought" this shouldn't be happening.

    It is amazing how others will help you as you seek to solve…and how quickly you rise into the new changes and find peace there.

    My husband and I ebbed and flowed with my son's life…as he tied up lose ends, it often left us at lose ends; but we easily converted from family to couple and back again.  We flowed from vacation to problem, back to vacation…keeping time with what was.

    IMG_4054

    I adjusted to rustic camping along the ocean shores…roughing it…and back to hotel's luxuries.  

    I said yes, when in the past…no would have been the only option.

      IMG_4461

     I revisited places where we had been before,  but took advantage of new views.

    The places had changed some…and so had I.

    My fear of heights are still with me, and it's a forever companion, that arises with feelings of anxiety.

    Roads without guardrails and steep drops keeps me alert…and I try and appreciate the grandeur these roads offer.  

    I would like to say I could live here, but the distances and drop edge roads would take some time to adjust to.

    Imagine how different we would view life, if we looked at how we solved things.

    Who we are is how we respond when things don't go according to the plan in your head; but our ability to stay with life as it unfolds.

    The bad…often gives us opportunity to shine.

    IMG_4181

     

  • Ultimately Gain

    Palmer, my birth town.  My second visit there since I was two.

    IMG_4486

    Just a small town street, who in 12 years has added a few updates.  New places to eat, some art and a new hospital.  

    I had wanted a picture of the place I was born, but it is now…

    IMG_4489

    The DMV.

    My beginning.

    As I stepped into this garden, I felt a wave of emotion…

     

    IMG_4507

    I felt it; but didn't try to define it.   The early years…my starting point; my past.

    IMG_4514

    The beauty and immense expressions of Palmer…as it grows.

    I saw a display of an old creamery…my father worked at one. Was this his old working place?

    IMG_4530

    Odd, how my birthplace comes with baggage too.

    Like a forever ghost riding shotgun….always.

    IMG_4491

    It can't be just my birth town, my beginning….

    I am attached to them from my earliest of days.  Not a seed or plant that is separate in a garden.  Who arrived alone.

    IMG_4512

    The extreme size and boldness amazed me…nature and I.

    Perhaps I am alone.

    Have always been.

    Even from a huge garden.

    It is about the individual.

    Who we are, what we are, and how we grow where we are planted…

    I have traveled a long way.

    To be who I am today.

    I felt the extreme and harshness of Alaska's beauty….and mine.

    We tend to aspire to calm perfect easy lives, and yet, it is the complications, challenges, and moments that require the most from us….that gives us our character.

    The moments that I have had the most to lose….it was in that moment, I was defined…and refined as Me.

    On the scale with me, was always something that I wanted badly.

    But I was on the scale too.  

    Me and _____.

    Who I am, is not created by the easy road; but by the roads I traveled that were the most hard.

    And, the hardest is to lose someone,

    to honor Me.

    And harder still, to release that person to live out their own karma, mistakes and lessons.

    To love by freedom.

    Knowing as they experience life's choices…the results are already written.

    I step aside and they freely go.

    Perhaps what grabbed me the most about the garden, is the closeness, the beauty and the roots.

    Sometimes it feels like I am a stringless balloon….or a jellyfish.

    Going with the flow.

    Being true to me,

    and reaching to what is my highest nature

    IMG_4357

    Which often means, letting go of family and friends; to rise and reach my fullest expression of Me.

    As I stood in Palmer, I was reminded of my little self and the journey she agreed to, the steps she would take; and what she would lose….and ultimately gain.

     

     

     

  • Inspired around Art.

    Finding Art in Homer was so much fun for me.  It is so inspiring to share in another's passion and to see what they love to do.

    The Homer Burning Basket project, was one I wished I had stumbled on a day earlier.  How fun to invite others to play with your art, to create.   I wished I would have added even a twig or two…but, felt I needed lots of time.  

    IMG_4346

    I had collected a few pieces of sea shell, and could have donated.  Next time I will add something.

    IMG_4347

    I will read more about the "Reach" or "Homer Burning Basket" projects.

    IMG_4357

    The Lead Artist was so excited to be doing what she does and wide open to having others add to her vision.  She expects you can do art…without needing proof.

    IMG_4352

    IMG_4361

    Next time Mavis Muller, when someone like you invites me to add art, I will say "YES"!

    I look forward to seeing photographs of it complete and on fire!

    From there I stopped into Normal Lowell's Gallery.

    Wow, and WOW, is all I can say.

    If you could see the way he plays with the contrast of light and dark, to see his strokes on canvas, his clumps of paint….and how huge some of his work is; it was beyond words.

    IMG_4364

    87 years old, legally blind and still in love with painting and loving the challenge of contrasts!   

    A huge part of his work isn't for sale, but part of his personal collection…which he displays in his own gallery and its open for the public in the summers.  

    IMG_4381

    He appeared excited at the prospect of soon going back to his studio.

    And, what a studio setting he has.  It wasn't open to the public.

    IMG_4397

    I kept saying "Way to go Norman….you did it!"  

    His wife Libby, mother of his 5 children, has paid her dues too.

    Here is their first cabin…

    IMG_4388

    Built by Norman.

    IMG_4384But Miss Lilly had to raise 3 girls and two boys in this two room cabin.

    IMG_4385

    Until Norman put aside his brushes to build their present home, in the 1980's.

    IMG_4389

    Imagine staying with your passion, while your family endured harsh living conditions in an even harsher environment?

    It takes courage to keep forging ahead…to the eventual greatness. To keep working the contrasts of your imagination.

    IMG_4371

     

     

    IMG_4379

    He has no intentions of stopping. His will be a life of Art…until the end.

    I love how he adjusted the light in his studio to accommodate his failing eyes.  His will finds a way.

    Inspired by how Art breathes through them….

    PS.

    Mr. Norman's art had prices tags of $37,000…..again, "Way to go Norman"!

    But his private collection will be priceless one day!  But, I feel to the bottom of my soul, Norman didn't do it for the money….he did it cause his soul had to do it.

    I feel most alive and inspired around Art.

    IMG_4380

     

     

     

     

  • Empowered to be you!

    After a week in Alaska, I noticed that the focus is more on individual; than blending in. The more you notice nature; the more you notice the nature of each individual.

    And, the race to compete monetarily is obsolete.  In fact, it seems wasteful to own things that are not pertinent to your survival and creature comforts.  

    IMG_3793

    To be off the beaten path in so many ways.

    IMG_3983

    It seems your passion is all you need to follow…and explore.

    IMG_4046

    Even the trees seem to be exaggerating their differences…or, perhaps these forests accept the oddballs as wonderful additions to their landscape.

    I believe, that there are folks among us, who just can't find their step with the music of the rat race called life.  And, they find they can march to their own beat up here…and blend in when doing so.

    I talked to a woman, who came here 37 years ago.  She came on vacation, met and fell in love with a fishing boat captain.  They parted ways, in three years, but she stayed.  She winters in Hawaii.  In the summer, she is on the Spit in Homer selling her Art along with fellow artists.

    IMG_4295

    She said many of the folks in Homer, head out to parts unknown each fall. And each fall it may be a new place.  I told her, they have to be very comfortable and even friends with the Unknown.

    A life of an eternal wanderer….except that Alaska is one place they all come back to.

    At first I thought of them as less fortunate; but most are choosing to follow a life that is creative unknown.  To explore new parts of the world…traveling light.

    Alaska makes no obligations on them…its wild nature matches their own.

    IMG_4166

    The expectation only lies within you. You hear your own beat and step accordingly…

    IMG_4280

    Being yourself eliminates the quandary of getting dressed. You dress for the weather and the activity….period.

    It appears foolish to prance around in fashion, instead of practicality.

    Alaska allows you to restore who you were born to be.

    It strengthens you with its harshness.

    It settles you with its beauty.

    It puts life into perspective with its very majestic mountains.

    IMG_3814

    What concerns you….disappears in its grandness!   Your greatness overshadows what you perceived as wrong.

    Alaska heals and re-balances you…allowing you to truly feel empowered to be you!

    IMG_3813

  • Totally Herself!

    11950197_10101155446747657_6835677790501090057_o

    She chose her guest list carefully.  She paid attention to the smallest of details, she listened to what brought her peace, and what she loved….what felt happy and fun for her; and when tied all together….it was incredible.

    It is hard to articulate how this is a metaphor for life; that by what we allow or don't allow, what we say yes to or no to… Matters.

    Each small detail weaves itself into the tapestry of moments.

    Creating you and your moments.  The milestones and just normal routines are all created in your choices. How you vote each item in or out.

    11986368_10101155446188777_6706542829155461525_n

    This Wedding reflected my daughter and her husband.  11903868_10101155419357547_7481539611118595102_nTheir joy with games allowed us all the opportunity to play and be a kid again.

    Perhaps it was the playfulness, and the familiarity to close friends and family, that created the energy of the day.  It was wedding picnic…

    It was an authentically HER day.  She didn't have to do that which she didn't want to; what made her feel uncomfortable or out of sorts.  She moved around her day with ease….being herself.

    This allowed the rest of us to be ourselves too. We didn't have to put on a social face, just be ourselves in fancy clothes.

    And, even swim in fancy clothes.  OH MY God, this was the best way to end the long day of fun…cooling off and washing off our fancy clothes!

    11902471_10101155492715537_7738309938541143535_n

    Her friends have become my friends. My daughters…my friends.  I LOVE this the most!

    11919124_10101155407725857_3883086184470309920_n

    Right before the plunge!  Or after…

    11903795_10101155411817657_99499803334451718_n

    A wedding day that was all about being you!  About sharing your special day with friends, with those who you feel connected to.  Those who will celebrate you and your love.

    Her wedding was a complete reflection of the beautiful, playful, quiet, loving, detail oriented…her.

    We all felt honored to be chosen to be part of her day.

    As the mother of the bride, I felt affirmed in all the tough choices I have had to make over the past many years.  For in doing so, she too, could make her own choices…it has given her the power to empower herself.

    11916101_10101155464147787_7506429300503112507_n

    I feel that by being a strong woman…she had a model…to be totally herself!

  • No Decorations Needed!

    "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

    From Chapter 13 "Embracing My Anger"

    "I also had a persistent fantasy of stabbing my mother in the face. The recurring image of something so horrific was quite disturbing. I'd never considered doing anything like that; blood makes me nauseous and even hurting someone's feelings bothers me."

    "I tried to suppress my feelings by thinking loving thoughts and imagining kind things about my mother. I berated myself. But the frequency and intensity of those thoughts wouldn't allow me to discount them."

    "I had to own my desires and find out their source.  Where did they come from? What purpose did they serve? What was the significance of destroying my mother's face? The fantasy was an important clue."

    "I remembered an incident from my childhood. I was alone with my dad in my parent's bedroom. My mom took great care in decorating the whole house, but especially their room. The bedding matched the drapes, which coordinated with the carpet. Their bed rested on a raised platform that was designed to make it the focal point of the room."

    "My dad perched me on the edge of the platform while he sat on the floor across from me.  He had several pornographic magazines spread out next to him. While my dad put his finger inside of me, I looked up at the drapes and thought that appearances were all that mattered to my mom. She could make the house look like a palace, but it would always be a dungeon."

    "My mom was more interested in an image than reality. I was enraged that she chose to sacrifice me so she could keep our family looking perfect. My slashing fantasy was an expression of my anger to make everything look nice, rather than making it nice.  Her face represented the image that was so important to her."

    "One of the primary ways I expressed my feelings towards my mother was by letter writing. I wrote many letters and emails to her.  This is one of them:

    "Dear Mom, 

    You're such a LIAR!!! You claim I'm the one who's lying and you hide behind your religious facade and your pretty house and pretty clothes. You're disgusting! With all the effort you put into pretending you're so good, you could have actually been a good person.

    All my life, I thought I was the problem.  I thought if my own mother didn't love me, I must be unlovable. I took on all the hatred, resentment, judgments and disgust that you directed toward me and turned it on myself. I learned to feel those things about me.

    I worked so hard for you to love me. All my life, I wanted to be close to you. I worked to get good grades, I tried to behave myself, but you didn't seem to see me. 

    When I was ten, the school psychologist noticed something wrong with me after she observed me for only a few minutes. YOU LIVED WITH ME!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU NOTICE?????? You never saw me at all.

    But, I WAS THERE!!!! And my abuse DID happen!!! No matter how much you deny that and accuse me of living in a fantasy world, your husband did disgusting things to me.  YOU were disgusting toward me too!!! How dare you make your life easier by sacrificing me! I deserve better than that!!!

    "My buried anger was coming out. Through my anger, I was not only objecting to the abuse, but its false messages. My anger was the shift into validating myself instead of the lies. It was my declaration that I deserved to be treated better."

    Freedom to Be Angry

    "All my life I judged myself for being angry. I denied my anger and tried to cover it up with more acceptable feelings. I was doing the same thing my mom did – I was decorating over things I didn't want to see or feel."

    "As long as I rejected and denied my anger, I didn't control it; it controlled me. It spilled out unintentionally on me and others I cared about."

    "Displaced anger is impossible to get rid of. As long as I projected it in all the wrong places, I could never work through it; there was a never-ending supply."

    "Giving myself permission to "feel what I feel" has proven the shortest way out of that emotion. Processing my anger allowed me to resolve it."  Christina

     

    First of all, this anger is towards the non-abusing parent.  I get this.  So, imagine the feelings towards the one who actually did the abuse.  Which is in the next bold section titled "Anger Toward My Primary Abuser"

    Back to the correlation between her wanting to slash her mother's face and the root source of it.  How the true anger comes from her mother putting on the perfect family portrait instead of seeing what is going on with her child.

    The rage is not being seen and the attention to detail goes into the decorations of the home!

    I have done both. 

    I have raged and displaced my anger.  It wasn't until I directed my anger at my parents, did the unlimited supply of anger start to decrease.  And, when I placed my attention in the direction of the source of my anger, my children came into focus.

    My home and its decorations seemed so minor compared to the lives of my children.

    I get this completely.  I also know that when we decorate our feelings instead of showing them, doing as our mother's did to our home….putting on a good front!

    We are trying to make kind, things that are not kind.

    The fake face and pretend life is worthy of knife slashing anger!

    What we want most is for someone to see behind the facade…to see us.

    "Can you see me and do I matter" is the line Oprah uses.

    The rage is that the pretend fantasy of a loving family matter more.

    The rage is to feel invisible…

    And then as we break the silence, a full out war is raged against us. We have to prove the fantastical family didn't exist. It is to battle with our mother's to show the truth against the fictional life she created.

    What is so unbelievable to me, is how strong this fantasy is.  How, even when my father was in an orange jumpsuit, the family saw a father.

    His biggest cover up was just being a dad.

    And, his strongest supporter was my mother decorating their marriage and family…and I, her second in command.   

    Until I saw and felt the truth, that lay beneath.

    I no longer decorated, but stood at one with reality.  

    My decorating with pretend feelings was broken.  

    All I was left with was the real raw emotion.

    I was not able to pretend to pretend to pretend.

    I met me for the first time. 

    The real me.

    And, I met my real past ungarnished and horrifying.

    It's brilliant tragedy was me.

    By accepting the truth, I fell in love with Me.

    No decorations needed!

    IMG_2733

     

     

  • Give Away Your Power.

    more from Chapter 12 – "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

    "Owning My Power"

    "I've realized a little at a time over many years that I am capable of improving my own life in big and small ways.  As a childhood victim, one of my only powers was complaining.  As I've transitioned into viewing myself as an empowered adult, I've learned to listen to my thoughts.  I've become alert to grumbling or whiny expressions that are meant to gain me sympathy – as though I'm completely at someone else's mercy."  Christina

    What I didn't know, is that complaining is to be disempowered; to believe that someone else holds your happiness/joy/love etc.

    And, that as a child, that was our only power against the bigger adults…to complain, in hopes they would treat us better.

    Very interesting to note.

    Instead of complaining, an empowered adult has the power to change things in their lives.

    Christina gave this example…

    "When I was still learning to own my power, I planned to complain to my husband that he never spent time with me, but I stopped myself.  That sounded like an accusation, not the invitation that I intended.  I was blaming him and placing all the responsibility for our relationship on him, as though I was powerless.  In the past, whining didn't accomplish anything other than drawing us further apart, which was the opposite affect I wanted."

    "This time, as an empowered person, I said to my husband, "We haven't spent much time together lately and I miss you.  Are you free for dinner on Thursday?" I took responsibility for my feelings and my relationship and I had a date."  Christina

    The difference between whining and complaining and then being empowered for how we feel, plus carrying our part of the relationship…is vast.

    Living life as an empowered adult is the answer and healing from a childhood of being a victim of abuse…in all its forms.

    When you complain; you give away your power.

    IMG_3526