I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Blameless Freedom

    Chapter 12, "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

    "In reality, being a victim is falling under the power of someone or something else.  It's a lack of power.  The powerlessness might result from being smaller, weaker, younger, slower, less knowledgable, less experienced, having less authority, or having less social status.  At the heart of victimization is the fact that victims are overcome by a greater power.

    "Victim Blaming"

    "I blamed myself for my abuse as a way to survive my childhood. Blaming myself gave me the sense of control I needed – that I was desperate for.  To accept that I was helpless, that there was nothing I could have done, felt like death. However, if there was something wrong with me then I could work to fix it so there was hope of better treatment."

    "As an adult, going from one abusive relationship to another seemed to confirm that I was to blame for my abuse and that I had always been to blame – even in childhood.  I was the common denominator.  Some people who saw my cycle of abusive relationships that followed me into adulthood judged me for "allowing" it. I deserved whatever I had coming to me."

    "Supposedly, the remedy to "being a victim" was to accept the blame so I could make necessary changes."

    "Does that mean that if I didn't break something, I can't fix it?  If I didn't make the mess, I can't clean it up? I'm a mother so I know that's certainly not true! But I tried for years to apply that to my abuse. I had to accept "my part" in it so I could move forward."

    "In my healing, I've found that freedom coincides with the truth. If it's not true, it may help me to cope for a time, but it won't set me free.  It won't lead to empowering choices and actions. It won't promote love for myself or others – only dysfunction."

    "The truth is that victims don't make abusers victimize them.  To believe that is to say that perpetrators are the true victims – their choice was dictated by the victim. If the victim hadn't mouthed off, if the victim had worn more clothes, if the victim hadn't been walking home alone, the abuser wouldn't have been "forced" to violate them."

    "That was the way I thought when I was married to my abusive husband.  I believed that I provoked him to abuse me.  Unconsciously, I knew the cycle of abuse – the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon. The build up was agonizing.  I knew the explosion was coming, but when??? I had to get it over with and get to the honeymoon part of the cycle, which is what I lived for. The only choice I thought I had was when I'd be abused – not if."

    "In reality, my ex-husband was looking for any excuse to belittle me and to take away more freedom.  He was waiting to twist something I said or did into a reason to punish me."

    "Abusers justify their punishment by finding a so-called weakness. The weakness doesn't even have to make sense. The flaw or mistake could be "too fat" or "too skinny", "too pretty" or "too ugly", "too stupid" or "a know-it-all". What's ideal one day is a mistake the next.  The standards change to keep the victim insecure and self-doubting."

    "I've lived under the control of many abusers and each one considered different qualities a weakness."

    "I deserved to treated respectfully, no matter what flaws I have – or I'm thought to have. The truth is that I'm not responsible for my abuser's behavior."

    "Accepting blame is only helpful if I am really at fault. If I keep getting fired from every job because I'm constantly late, blaming my boss for unfair standards won't help me; blaming traffic won't help me. I'll have employment problems until I recognize my responsibility and do something to change my behavior."

    "Accepting responsibility for things that are my fault can be the first step to improving my life, but accepting responsibility for things that are not my fault can also keep me in the cycle of abuse and failure."

    "One of the problems with accepting false blame is that I became even more angry with myself. I was caught in a game I could never win.  That didn't empower me to change the circumstances or myself. If I was somehow responsible for my abuse, what good would it do to leave my abuser? If I deserved the abuse, why should I fight it?"

    "I needed to see who truly deserved the blame."

    "The truth is that I can place the responsibility on the perpetrators of my abuse while still taking responsibility for picking up the pieces of my life.  I can acknowledge it was the abuser's fault and still have power to heal."  Christina.

     

    What I failed to consider is that we find control when we blame ourselves.  This is huge.  We don't want to feel out of control the relationship is…so in order to bring some kind of control, we hold the blame.

    And, society also carries the burden of blaming the victim when they choose to see the perpetrators out of control…and that we the victims are in control of them by what we wear, where we walk and what we do.

    If you can grasp this belief; it will change your life into empowerment.

    I do remember my world spinning out of control, when I let go of the self-blame and responsibility.  The spinning was the unraveling of my story of how I I had the problem and the correction of my world.  Placing the true picture upon my parents.

    When I did this, even though my outer world raced out of control; my inner sense of self, calmed down and became clear.

    Giving back the brokenness to those who broke it…was extremely powerful.

    It left me with broken relationships, but back in control of me.

    I gave back to my parents the responsibility for the abuse in our home.

    I carried with me the part I was responsible for.  

    My silence.

    My need for attention.

    My wanting to be accepted.

    My desire to make others happy; no matter what.

    I didn't create their mess and so I had no power to fix it.

    I only could be very aware of my responsibility within my relationships.

    My actions.

    My words.

    My energy.

    My agreement….or disagreement.

    My relationships are about me.

    They tell the world who I am by what I tolerate or don't.

    Who I spend my time with.

    What I spend my time on.

    I am no longer a victim of anyone's behavior.  No one can make me do something without my consent.

    No one has more power than me in my life.

    I love that the most.

    And secondly, I love that I no longer need to blame someone to garnish control in my world.

    I let my world spin in whatever way reality is…

    I am a lover of realty, no matter what really presents.

    I accept it without blame.

    I wonder about what the Angel of Love will deliver?

    Certainly she dances with blameless freedom!

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  • Empowered You.

    "Rescued Soul"   By Christina Enevoldsen

    "I felt Like Telling was Abusive"

    "Though I'd already confronted many of those fears and false beliefs about telling, like most things in the healing process, there have been many layers to this. Another layer started to surface in the year before my parents sued me for talking about my abuse."

    "I'd heard reports of my dad's deteriorating body and mind. Though I felt sorry for him, his vulnerable position also angered me.  My feelings confused me, but as I examined them, I discovered the source: I believed that I had to stop talking about my abuse now that my dad was in a weakened condition. Because my father was no longer physically, emotionally, or mentally stronger than me, I feared that I was taking advantage of someone who couldn't defend himself."

    "I was afraid that by talking about the things he did to me, I was discounting his personhood in the same way he'd done to me. I feared being abusive."

    "My mother has said of me:"

    "She has always longed for attention and recognition and the negative recognition is so satisfying to her."  

    "I regret to say that we raised her to be self-centered and spoiled."

    "She is also without scruples, vicious, extreme, and without boundaries or a conscience."

    "It's clear to me that my mother believes I've been wicked from a very young age and that, though they did their best to instill goodness into me, they were overpowered by the evil in me and by my strong will."

    "My parents groomed me to accept an identity that made life easier for them – to protect my parents' feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn't complain or protest."

    "As I examined what abuse really is, I realized that telling my story isn't abusive. Hurting someone's feelings isn't the same as abuse. Abuse is about powering over someone else.  I am not taking away my dad's power, I'm claiming my own power. I'm exercising my right to tell my story of my life."

    "As I faced the truth about my value and identity, I also recognized more universal truths.  I didn't cause my parents' emotional distress. My parents' distress came from their own issues.  To ask me to carry that responsibility for them was dysfunctional.  To have expected that of me as a child was wrong."

    "I dont' have the power to make them feel bad or good, though as a child, I believed that I had that power.  I worked hard to make them happy in the hope of being loved. But that was a fantasy that I'm not living in anymore."

    "My silence wasn't good for anyone – even for my abusers. Those types of secrets are destructive to everyone who keeps them. Truth doesn't destroy people or families; lies do. For incest to occur in a family, it takes more than just an abuser and a victim. It's part of an entire dysfunctional system."

    "Exposing my abuse gave the entire family an opportunity to heal and to learn more about heathy and functional ways to relate to each other. It was their choice to continue to live in the lies, but that doesn't mean they were harmed by the opportunity for another way to live."  Christina

     

    What is so interesting to me, is that we are made to feel abusive for speaking the truth about our feelings….and, for taking back our power.

    We are not taking away anyone's power.

    I totally get how we are made to feel abusive by telling our story. But, Abuse is about power. And, the only one whose power is affected, is our own.

    We are reclaiming our power!

    We are in a sense, making them powerless over us…and I suppose it does feel abusive to them in a reverse fashion.  Where once they had power in our lives…it is no longer true.

    They can feel how powerless they are with us, but that isn't the same as US taking away their power.

    There is a sleight of hands here in the nuance of power taking that leaves an adult child fearing they are being abusive when they speak their truth.

    For, once we were powerless and our parents and our families had power over us and our actions and our silence.  Once we break the link of powerlessness…and reclaim our power, IT leaves them powerless in our lives.  

    And, they take this powerless feeling and place the blame on us for making them feel powerless…like we are abusing them with our truth and taking back Our power from them.  

    Is it possible to be abusive for taking back that which is our right?

    If abused children/adult children could take this in, IT is the difference of being at peace with breaking the silence and not.

    It is to know, to the depth of your being, that You are not abusing anyone when you take back your own power.  

    Abuse is overpowering someone.  Not regaining power in your own life.

    All that really changed is the ownership of my power.

    I took ownership of my feelings, my truth and my life choices.

    Everyone and anyone is powerless in my life.  

    I no longer give my power to others. No matter what, you can't convince me against my will, my truth, my feelings, my emotions.  You will feel powerless in my life.

    Each of us has our own power.  

    If you are powerless, you gave it away;

    For love.

    For peace.

    For joy

    For wanting to fit in.

    For religion.

    For being accepted.

    For loneliness.

    When I am in full power and you are in full power…we have a perfect relationship.

    Love, true love is being fully empowered.

    I love everyone the same. I allow everyone the freedom to be empowered in their lives. 

    The real and most damaging aspect of abuse is the loss of power.

    I lived 46 years powerless in my life.

    It isn't the sexual act…although it is cruel and harmful in its own right….but the life without power after.

    The simple act of silence…depletes us of our power.

    Our voice.

    Our choice.

    Are taken away.

    We become powerless after the act of incest….which is more life changing than the act during the rape of our bodies.

    The greatest tool in recovering and healing is the reclaiming of self-empowerment.

    Which is why, I believe Art and being creative is a huge tool; it is working the muscles of choices.  Of choosing what you want to do and the freedom to do so.

    Today, just own, that speaking of your abuse isn't abusive; for you are reclaiming your power, not overpowering someone!

    Free will and the ability to make choices is to be empowered.

    Being empowered is the opposite of being abused.

    You are not abusing someone by breaking your silence….

    You are healing you.  

    You are giving yourself back your power; word by word…choice by choice.

    Loving yourself is to feel your own power and owning it!

    It is scary at first to grab it back from those who have owned it for years.

    It's okay.  It is the little girl/boy coming alive.  Reclaiming the life power that abuse took away.

    Going back to that wounded child and say what they feel….and know. 

    You are re-wiring your power connections.  It will leave others powerless over you.

    Own your life and feel your power, your uniqueness and brilliance…dare to be fully empowered You!

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  • Rejection isn’t about you!

    In Chapter 9 – "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

     

    "Taking the First Step in Telling"

    "What I didn't know when I disclosed my abuse is that it's very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor.  That's especially true with incest survivors.  In incest families, the family system is a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret.  That system's survival depends on the secret, so they often sacrifice one member for the sake of the family."

    "In most cases, the survivor who is willing to talk about the abuse is the healthiest person in the family.  The survivor is the one who recognizes that truth and is most motivated to address dysfunctional patterns.  That is a threat to the family unit. The person who wants change is often viewed and treated as the enemy."

    "With incest, family members face divided loyalties. In dysfunctional families, it's more common to side with the perpetrator than with the victim.  That may be due to their own victimization from the perpetrator or unmet needs from the perpetrator.  Whatever the cause, survivors of incest are often rejected by their own family members, even if there is no doubt the abuse occurred."

    "Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful.  Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse.  They also may view it as an accusation that they aren't good parents for failing to protect the child."

    "Whatever the personal defenses, your family isn't likely to be the best source of support and understanding.  Telling a safe person who validates you makes it easier to go on to the next part of your healing.  When you disclose your abuse to someone who is compassionate, understanding, and accepting, it's a relief to know you're no longer alone.  However, sharing emotionally vulnerable moments with someone who is unsupportive may cause you to feel even more isolated."  Christina

     

    This is another affirmation of my journey.  In my experience this is completely true.

    Notice, most of the reasons they reject the one speaking out is for their own personal reasons.  It isn't about what is being said, but how it makes them feel or perhaps not want to feel.

    So, if you are one who is willing to speak of your abuse and the family is rejecting you, IT ISN'T YOU, they are rejecting; but parts of themselves.   Or, they also have needs of this family and are not willing to let them go.

    Family rejection isn't about the person they are rejecting…it is about keeping the family unit.  I knew this.  I have felt for years it wasn't about me.  

    Still, good to be affirmed on this.

    When you reject someone, it is about what you want to keep.  Who knew?

    So, you may as well do what you love….rejection isn't about you!

     

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  • When you have no choice.

    The life of secrets and hiding, is very complex and often misunderstood.  It isn't as clear as things being in the light of day.  There are mixed messages and hidden agendas and the dark contours leaves you mistrusting, not only the other person; but yourself.  Not to mention the circle of friendship.

    Often it is the person who backs away blamed for backing away.  And the secret, let alone the one who needs it kept secret, carries no burden of the separation.

    They believe that it is their right to live as they choose.

    And it is.

    But, with each choice we all make, comes a set of consequences.

    Some of your friends are okay playing along.

    Others, like myself…feel the "something" inside of me that wants Me to push away.

    I see it as my truth or my soul.

    In the circle of friendships and/or relationships, we are each responsible for what we bring into the space.

    And, also responsible for how we react or IF we react.

    I don't see how it is seen as a good friendship circle when any manner of actions are to be accepted.  Like the friendship alone has no boundaries.

    I don't recall in the past many years my having a desire to keep something a secret. If anything, I am too forthright.

    I love my circle to be secret free.

    For those who enter into a relationship with me, to feel the solid foundation of a moral code.

    My mother spoke of morals and values…but she couldn't live it.  In her circle, she forgave all manner of behaviors; the boundaries were unseen.

    I think each of us are asked over and over, in various interactions with others to clearly define WHO you are.  What you stand for, what you tolerate, how you enforce the energy in your circle that connects you with others.

    I don't mind the disconnecting.

    I know it is what I have to do in order to be me.

    Keeping my inner world at peace with my integrity…I move.

    I move closer to the truth…and, away from falsehood.

    It is as natural as breathing.

    I alone define my character.

    I will only take the blame for moving…not for creating something that caused me to move.

    Having this ability and the courage to follow it, has brought me a ton of freedom.

    Freedom to navigate and place boundaries.

    If you are unable to move…you are not free.  You are in a Love Bond.

    Bound in place.

    Love is free…always.

    You are free to hide and I am free to move away.

    This simple, yet profound freedom is to be healed from abuse.

    I will not willingly enter into an abusive relationship.

    Abuse is when you have no choice.

     

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  • Ask yourself why..

    As I rolled thoughts about secrets around and around, as well as my feelings of being duped, it came to me that there are markers of abuse tagged into the secrets.

    Or for sure living a double life.

    It just didn't make sense that I was so invested in whether there be full disclosure in someone's personal life or not.

    I couldn't jive the PTSD feelings and sense of betrayal that comes when we are made aware of this second life.

    As soon as I acknowledged my feelings of PTSD, or the over-reaction to new information, it made sense.

    How would I not be wary of 'keeping secrets' or knowing that a person has a double life?  This dance is where my anxiety come from and even my desire to control.

    I want to make sure that what I see is what I get….I don't want surprise characters popping up.

    And, rightly so.

    Comfort for me lies in knowing a person will grow and change, but in positive ways. That the surprises in getting to know someone don't include parts of them that need to be hidden away.

    That was my father.  

    Parts and interactions that didn't see the light of day; to be done in secret…

    Without OTHERS knowing.

    So, anytime there are secrets, unless for a surprise party….I am beyond wary and will exit from that party.   I couldn't when I was a child; but I can today.

    I feel better knowing that I am not over-reacting, but it is normal coming from whence I came.

    The reason so many children believe that the abuse is their fault or carry the blame is that they agree to carry its secrets.  Agree to mask their feelings and act like all is well. That the relationship 'hasn't change' due to the abuse.

    I know that in my friendships, they are not asking me to hide abuse.

    They are only asking me to be okay with their secret lives.

    I fail horribly with this.

    I don't know who they are now, and my trust plummets.

    I can understand why they don't want to disclose; but I don't know why they themselves are okay hiding.

    The dance between what we see and what we are not supposed to see is so similar to my childhood, it is no wonder I have issues with this.  

    It isn't as personal to them as I thought.  It is much more about what I now seek….in people I am friends with.

    I approach all my friendships with the same things I had as a child.  

    I bring love, trust and friendship.

    However, unlike my childhood.  I will back away when you try and engage me in the dark part of your world.  

    In my innocence, as a child, I went along with the secrets….and saw only the father. In the end; I didn't get the father minus the secrets.

    In fact, what was hidden, was what touched me the most, and affected my life.

    It wasn't that I didn't love enough or wasn't a good secret keeper that wrecked that relationship.   

    It was wasn't me…

    No matter what I would have done; he decided his character, not I.

    When the secrets spilled out, A loving father didn't appear.  

    It wasn't about me at all.

    I love that I am okay, not keeping your secrets. That I require friendships that can be lived out loud in the light of day.

    I get nervous when I catch the hint that something needs to be hidden.

    And, that doesn't make me a bad friend.

    When my son was little and he had to duck down behind the seat of the bus to play with a Lighter, my husband said to him.  "If you have to hide behind a bus seat….(You know, it isn't something you should be doing.)"

    If part of your life is lived hiding behind the bus seat….you may want to ask yourself why?

     

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  • Mask Less

    In the past few days, I have had conversations….well maybe the past few weeks, about friends with secrets.  Or maybe just things we are silent about.  Not silent with friends; but expecting friends then to be silent about it.  To give information and for it to be held by that person.  

    Like we become a container for their truth.

    Isn't it odd that we want to keep the truth hidden.  What does that say then, about their lives?  If the truth isn't shown, than what is?  And, are we then keepers of the truth or actively hiding it and participating in the building of the fake life?

    What are good friends for?

    Are they to help you live out loud… your truth, or to decorate your fake life?

    If it isn't our place to share your truth…than are you making us partners in keeping silent, your secret life?

    I find as I am older or maybe more transparent, that I don't like playing dress up with lives.

    It actually makes it seem like you have a fake friend and then a real one.  

    Which friend would be most upset by the truth being revealed?

    I don't believe it would be the truthful one?

    There has to be benefits or payoffs or something to the fake identity, the one who lives minus the truth.

    What is it?

    How would it be more beneficial to live a fake life…one where you know the truth; but you don't live it.

    Or is to to have the best of two worlds?

    Is it possible to live two different happy lives?

    What happens to us friends who know there are two lives going on?

    How can it be possible to be supportive of two very different lives?  And why are we the bad guys for getting tired of the game of hide the life?

    And, who is the real friend? 

    Who are we really friends with?

    The mask or the person behind the mask?

    Do we have to don a mask too in order to be your friend?

    One that is compliant and an accomplice in creating a whole life for the mask?

    While behind the mask sits the person who is unable to live mask-less.

    Are we not agreeing, by our silence, that the truth is shameful and too ugly to see the light of day?

    But isn't the truth who you are…no matter what mask you put on in your social world?

    And, does the mask really hide anything for your actions speak louder than our silence?

    I am confused when asked to participate in this.  I lose energy or enthusiasm for wanting to spend time there.  It seems pointless to help create a life that isn't based on the truth.  I don't want to wear a mask myself and I am surely not interested in painting over the truth for someone else.

    Even if the mask will make them happy and feel loved.

    Read that again.

    Wearing a mask will make them happy and feel loved.

    Wow.

    When who I want to be with is the one behind the mask.

    It takes courage to be a life that wears no mask.

    "Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."  Maya Angelou

    I don't know what to do with people who are asking me to be friends with their mask…too.

    It is like there is a third wheel in our friendship…one that is eroding the soul and distancing them from their truth.  

    The less interested I am in the mask….and the more they need the mask, the bigger the space between us grows.  Until the gap is so big, our friendship will be a cordial way and hello.

    And in the end, who will be at fault when the friendship fails?

    Will it be the one wearing the mask or the one who despises the mask?

    Is it the one with the secrets or the one who doesn't want to keep silent?

    And, can you be authentic and non-transparent?

    Like a closet transparent person?

    My ability to make friends with masks and trust them and grow with them is an ability I lost.

    When I was a mask….I was friends with masks.

    When mine was ripped off….so went the power to believe in the mask.

    I often feel like a failure when I can't just be okay with the mask. That why do I need to get beneath it?  Why do I have to always seek the truth in others?

    And, on the other hand, I feel used when others ask me to engage in their mask.

    Like I am not worthy of a relationship with truth.

    Secrets…to me is where the real person lives.

    I lived for 46 years under a mask.

    And, for 10 years, striving to remain mask free.

    If you build a friendship/relationship that begins with a mask or needs one to continue…will it not be one where the truth isn't welcome?  And, if the truth isn't welcome…is it a true friend?

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    This flower blooms from a sticker bush…amidst all the pokey prickly things…

    I believe real love and friendships blossom where masks are not welcome or needed.  Where we encourage and support a life that is mask free.  

    Regardless of the pains and things that hurt…beauty blooms from the truth.

    It took great courage for me to expose and own all my secrets and my family secrets.  But, I love who I am exposed…far more than I ever even liked the old me.

    And, I have great admiration, love and interest, in what lies behind the mask.

    Please don't ask me to be friends with your mask…or carry your secrets.

    Instead ask me to be there as you walk mask less.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Against the flow.

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    While kayaking Sunday morning with a friend, we noticed something really strange that went against what we had been taught, "to go with the flow".

    When we were going with the waves, we had a terrible time steering the kayak, we kept getting turned in a direction we didn't want to go in.

    We had to be very vigilant to keep us heading correctly, and we felt out of control.

    Yet, when we headed into the waves, we could keep our kayaks heading straight.

    We were both amazed at how it contradicted the sentiments of "going with the flow".

    A thought came to me this morning, that when we tried to steer our boat as we flowed, it didn't work.  However, if we gave up and went with the flow….we flowed where it took us, but not where we wanted to go.

    If you look at this as a metaphor for life, you can see the similarities.

    Often the easy route is to let the flow take you.  

    You may go easily where it leads but you yourself are not in control; you are at the mercy of its waves.

    Going against the easy flow way, you will have control and set your destination…it is harder but you will go where you want.

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    What happened when we were in the flow….and out of control, we lost our concentration and the meditation of our rhythm…for we were bumping into each other and drifting oddly.  

    However, when we both were in control and heading into the path of most resistance, we were steady.  Our conversation and paddling were not disrupted by the odd twists and turns.

    In the controlled paddle, we could forget the undercurrents and be with ourselves.

    I know this echoes in real life.

    The false sense of ease, keeps you out of control with your own goal or destination; you are at the mercy of others.   You don't have to do anything, but you don't control anything either.  You just bobble around on life's surface.

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    I love how nature teaches us about our own nature.

    This living experience and the feelings I had while going with the waves or against will stay with me.

    To be in control, you have to go against the flow.

     

  • A burden to me!

    From "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevolds….

    "Changing My Focus"

    "In my early days of working with survivors of sexual abuse, I was chatting with a friend and fellow advocate. With her children still at home, she expressed how careful she needed to be in the time she lent to her work.  Both of us agreed how challenging it was to find balance in caring for our families and working in a field that we're so passionate about."

    "I was silently celebrating in my mind, "My kids are adults now.  I'm free to serve as much as I want!"

    "A meek little voice interrupted my thoughts. "I'm still here," she pleaded. In an instant, I understood that I still had me to care for. I felt a bit of tenderness for myself, but it was overshadowed by annoyance. Grudgingly, I made a list of things I should do to take better care of myself and started to work through them."

    "As I started, I heard the impatience in my thoughts as though I was waiting outside of myself, tapping my foot, rushing myself through whatever I was doing.  I caught myself demanding, "More important people are waiting for you. Hurry up!"

    "Even when I did pleasant things for myself, it was a chore to complete. The things that most people enjoyed were a burden to me – I was a burden."

    "That was a familiar feeling.  It was the same attitude my mother had about children, about me. She took care of my physical need, but she seemed to resent how exhausting I was."

    "Just as my mother never found joy in caring for me, I never did either. It saddened me that I didn't find pleasure in doing nice things for myself.  I grieved for how my mother treated me and for how I learned to treat myself."       Christina

     

    Wow.

     

    I read this….and then jumped on the mower and moved for a few hours.

    And I weeped for the truth of this in me.

    I knew I was a burden and a chore…and I knew… I held the same 'exhausting burden' of children…not joy.  

    Joy wasn't the go to emotion…work was.  Children are a huge responsibility…a weight.

    As I mowed and wept…I felt the undoing of the burden and the exhaustion of caring for me.

    This is the energy system that was feeding or dragging me….making the care of Me feel so heavy…and not the joy or pleasure of doing good for me.

    I bought this book after a women in WIND recommended it to me.  I have had it for months, and hadn't done more than flip though pages….glancing at bold headings.

    For some reason, tonight I picked it up and read.

    And, it was exactly what I feel I can now work on to care for me in a joyous way.

    As, I have learned to be more joyfully caring with my kids.  

    I refuse to be a burden to me!

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  • Be Me!

    Is there anything to judge without the experience of truth…or perhaps your truth and the familiarity of its voice; your voice and your truth.

    How often do you think the bare truth of who you are is spoken?

    Who uses your voice and mind, if not you?

    To Judge was to make a reasonable conclusion.

    What is the reasonable conclusion of who you are?

    Do you know you…or do you know what you have to do in order to maintain peace and certain relationships, status, jobs….love.

    It came to me, as one who has learned to embrace the truth of who I am, where I came from and then….the small little voice I had ignored for years.  My soul.   That maybe the lack of true judgment comes for the lack of being you.

    How can you make a reasonable conclusion about others, IF you don't know who you are?  If you haven't proclaimed loudly this is who I am.

    In voice

    In action

    Alone, if need be.

    This is what I stand for…or against.

    Can you make a reasonable choice, if you have never reasoned with yourself?

    If you have never obeyed the whispers of your inner truth….and instead echoed the voices around you…how can you know what's your reason.

    I looked up "Reason"

    "a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event."

    "the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic."

    It is interesting to get to to the root of the reason, to boil things down and see what is your logic.  And, is it a logical conclusion or one that is based on group acceptance or an individual value point?  Or is it even based on the more selfish reasons of not wanting to be alone and different?

    I would bet, that more often than not, whether we judge or not, is based on selfish reasons, OVER reasons about the person in question,  themselves.  

    It never was about the other person…when I made the decision to exit a relationship; but about my own inner truths, emotions and feelings….my integrity.

    In order to be truthful to me, I said good-bye.

    Are the reasons self-loving, selfish, or to be loved and accepted?

    Why do we reason the way we reason?

    If you are not even truthful about the reason you made a reasonable conclusion, is it your truth?

    Again, judging or non-judging is way more about your inner world, your character, and your ability to speak and act your true nature….than it is about the person or situation you are judging.

    In my experience of the past 10 years of learning to live with the truth of being Me, all my decisions were about Me.  It was never about the other person.  It was about defining who I am.

    What I will accept, honor and respect…is what creates Me.

    I called it living inside out.

    It didn't matter how it felt or looked on the outside…it mattered a great deal on the inside as I began to form Me.

    Could I honor, love and respect me, was my first question.

    My focus was very narrow, it pointed inward at my heart and soul.

    It was to be born again, as an individual.

    The road of great resistance.

    10 years ago, I didn't know who I was…as a self.

    It was to go against all I was taught and raised to be; by those outside of me.

    In the past, my reasonable conclusion was based upon group mentality.  I literally could not conclude on my own…for I would have stood out in the group.  

    I thought as the church.

    I thought what was good for the family.

    My thoughts were based on how others would respond.

    I dodged confrontations and upsetting faces….by being agreeing with their reasons. 

    I often belittle or berated myself when I had a difference of opinion…and was applauded each time I went along.  I was accepted when I matched their reasons.

    What is so clear to me today, is that when I no longer took care to fit in, I was set free to be Me.  And, I got used to being my best friend and strongest supporter.

    I didn't know how weak and small I was, until I began stepping out.

    Or, how undefined I was.

    I didn't know me…but, I knew the group and what their needs were.  I was a complete stranger to my own desires.

    It has been a fascinating, terrifying, brilliantly tragic, wildly exhilarating, completely overwhelming, exciting beyond reason….to get to know me and Be Me!

    I would not trade my journey for anyones.

    How grateful am I…I get to be ME!

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    Actually, I can…..be Me!

     

     

  • Peace with What Is.

    I thought more on the word "Non-Judgment"  and, looked up a few definitions.  

    For at first, it seems fairly passive.

    "tending not to judge other people harshly or unfairly : not too critical of other people."

    "avoiding judgments based on one's personal and especially moral standards."

    "not making or expressing an opinion regarding a person or thing; impartial avoiding or tending to avoid making value judgments; tolerant, liberal, etc.

     

     

    That being said, there seems to be another more spiritual or conscious meaning to the word, non-judgement.

    "In its simplest form, non-judgment is acceptance."

     And, I looked up Acceptance.

    "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered."

    "the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.

    Is it possible, that if you don't accept a truth, fact or behavior…you are judging – If non-judgment is acceptance?

    That those who feel it is kinder or more christian-like to not judge are actually judging when they don't consent to receive this new information?

    Could it be possible that the very act of not changing their minds is judging reality based on their personal values and believes.

    What they feel is non-judging, is really judging; due to their non-acceptance.

    How I felt about non-judgment, when viewing it from the meaning of acceptance, was to accept all things.   

    There was nothing I was unwilling to accept.  And, in the act of receiving all manner of truths; I responded in-kind.

    It is to be, as Byron Katie says, a Lover of Reality.  

    I had to school myself to LOVE what is, and not hate and reject certain parts of life that are hard to take in.

    In fact, the harder it is to accept something, the further you are from reality.

    It amazes me that we will argue with reality.  And, again Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time.

    When you don't accept reality, all of it, you are believing in something that isn't real.

    The non-acceptance has you building another reality.

    What is most astounding, are the sheer numbers that don't reside in reality.

    In their minds.

    And, what I have found, is that dialoguing with these folks is a useless exercise.

    For, in their minds – their minds are made up. 

    There is a payoff for not changing their minds to see reality.

    Often it is to keep a husband, to be accepted by a group…to live their dream life.

    The body is in reality, and mind has not followed.  So, they live more in their minds than with what Is.

    And, we call this 'normal'.

    When I was struck dumb by how much my mind had created, compared to reality.  I vowed to follow the truth…and find normal. What I soon discovered was that I wasn't the only one who lived a few steps from reality.  It seemed most did.  Normal wasn't living with the truth. Normal as we call it, was to be selective with accepting reality.

    This selective acceptance IS what creates havoc in our worlds.

    As Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "Our left mind takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."  

    Isn't it also very telling, when you can see the slip in other people's worlds, where they are not embracing all of life.   That you can see where their minds are deluded; but not yours.

    What does it take to be non-judgmental, to be fully accepting of all things?

    Why is this mere act so hard for people to live?

    Why does it appear that living a deluded life is better than one of loving reality in all forms?

    And, if you live with a deluded mind, is it easier to navigate the world?

    To me, coming from the land of delusion, I am determined to see all.  And, to not have my mind contort reality.

    I looked up Contort.  "Twist or bend out of its normal shape."

    Not accepting what is, you then have to bend or twist and struggle to make it work in reality.

    And, I often find myself belittled or called mental, because I won't distort reality.

    My left mind doesn't work anymore.  I can't weave the most plausible story.  I can only work with what is.

    Oddly, it makes my life easier and I have a harder time with the people whose minds love to contort reality.

    Our language doesn't communicate with each other.

    I can't see their contorted reality, and they can't see mine.  

    I love what is….not what isn't.

    Once you get used to the brilliance of reality in its raw form; its impossible to live outside of it.

    Often it is just me and reality….but, what a great companion!  

    My mind is at peace with What Is.

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