I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Its Children

    Knowing that speaking out in offense of religion was going to bring with it many in defense.  Even if they don't write and bravely dispute me, I know they silently turn away in disgust from me.

    Perhaps what I have more trouble with isn't so much what religion does is what it doesn't do.

    You would think that an institution that prides itself on high morals and values would be the first to stand against abusers. Be the first to rush the police stations with knowledge of abusers.  I have not bump into any of them in the past 10 years that I have spoken out.  I have not had them message me or email me or call me or volunteer their pulpits to share words of wisdom.

    Silence.

    Silent with me.

    Silent with the detective I am connected to. (I sent an email just to make sure I am not misspeaking here…and I will report back if there is a church and pastor that has gone under my radar and is out there speaking against abuse.)

    I have spoken to people of many faiths…and they have shared how neglected this is within their churches.

    I am not just speaking of MY experience, but of many similar experiences to mine.

    I am sharing and voicing from those who have spoken to me.

    Victims…the abused.  

    In their confusion as they try and right themselves are flabbergasted that the church and its followers are so silent and unmoving.

    Like a huge meme that can only speak 'good' of the church and never questions the inactivity against abuse.

    What would it cost each person who sits in the pews and has a GREAT faith in its teachings to question it?  Would that diminish your 'faith' in your religion?

    Is it really your religion and its contents that hangs in the balance?

    Your ticket to heaven…your clan and group and fellowship?

    Does it have more to do with that, than the child who is without a voice?

    Who is in the pews next to you…watching you silently.

    Silent for he, like I know you will defend your religion BEFORE standing against it…even when we tell you abuse lives there.  

    Some will want to hold the Faith and Religion high above in pristine untouchable condition….more so than helping a child in need.

    I know you all don't mean to do this.

    But, you do inadvertently.

    Religion isn't separated from the people anymore than abuse is separated from the abusers.  

    Your faith isn't separated from you. It is you.

    I get that.

    How can we then have a conversation about this when there is no distinction between you and your religion.  

    In your diligence to defend your religion, the failure to be able to see its cracks where abuse lives, IS what keeps abuse cycles going for generations.

    I have spoken to various generations of adult children whose family's legacy has continued on for 4 generations AND they all are deeply nestled into the church and its teachings and its 'values'.

    I am not just spouting off. 

    I am perplexed and puzzled by lack of movement from Within the church. While I on the outside appear to care more for its children.

     

  • Wordless works of Art

    My mind was stirred up and I couldn't grasp a thread to formulate my thoughts against the onslaught of religious words in the book Hush.  It felt like there were multiple languages speaking languages that I didn't speak.  A gibberish of sounds; but the message was that I had to do something in order to be someone.

    And until then, I was an empty painful container.

    However, what is so painfully obvious to me, is that her idea of who I am and who I Feel I am are two completely different things.

    What I am learning as I sat with the contents of the book and the contents of me, is that when the book and my reality are at odds… believe my reality and/or experience of me!

    I disagree that the only way to wholeness is via religions…for I am without one and I feel whole.

    My way forward was to seek love, peace and joy.  And in doing so, I turned away from things that didn't embody these sentiments…for me. 

    I didn't need a map from someone else idea of what held these energies.

    I sought them out by how I felt.

    Being truthful about my feelings led me forward.

    I didn't need to do what she and many religions speak of…I used my body and soul.

    The way she describes God and his needs are so similar to the needs in many abusive homes…in a codependent way.

    My experience of the Universe or nature is free…it doesn't need the gibberish to know what to do. Wordlessly and without any prompting or direction it does what it was born/planted to do.

    I love that.

    And the most imperfect things in nature are the most artful.

    Why then is there an idea of us all matching and following one path?

    We are all humans.

    We all have our own life stories and truths.

    Which have left their imprints upon us.

    Some of us are so layered in lies, we don't know who we are…until we start living our truths…and bit by bit we unveil our natural self.

    I feel honored to be me and feel I have gained such wisdom while uncovering me.

    And, this all again was done outside of the constraints of religion.  In fact, for me….religion would have stopped me from being Me.

    By its demand that I find peace, love and joy….outside of me.

    I didn't feel like I met the author of Hush; but rather the religion that stood before her.

    I am without a religious filter.  You see me as I am…there is nothing between me and you.

    My filterless view of the world….tries to see behind the gibberish of words…to You.

    Is there a you behind your religion?

    What do you look like?

    How do you feel and be and love?

    Show me you!

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    My Lady and I…wordless works of Art.

     

     

  • What are others hearing you say?

    I feel more inspired by "The Stitch" than I did with the book "Hush".  

    I ordered 5 Kits  - Speak your silence

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    "Speak Your Silence is a nonprofit on a mission to conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse via #The Stitch, which symbolizes your voice frequency.  Profits fund one on one counseling nationwide for those personally affected."

    It is a simple concept that accepts Your voice, Your story and inspires You to speak what You have kept silent.

    They are not telling you anything, but accepting everything.

    They are not trying to direct you into a narrow space with requirements, but is wide open and spacious; accepting you as you are.

    I feel inspired to be part of this.

    Its potential excites me.

    The Stitch understands the power of speaking what you have kept silent…knowing the real you is right behind your voice.

    This is easy for me to apply and will now recognize others who wear The Stitch.

    I will begin adding this symbol near the signature on my quilts.

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    And feel proud that I am a member of this fraternity.  

    For I recall in the first few months after discovering my own abuse…how heavy the burden felt, to be part of the club, of the sexually abused. The weight of it seemed to drown me out.  Little did I know, it was the beginning of the road to self discovery.

    And each time I spoke of it, the stronger I grew…inside.

    What was once a strange voice with strange words…is now very familiar; it's Me.

    All of me.

    The Me that lived behind the silence.

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    I love my voice.

    I love what it has to say.

    I am not sure there is anything more powerful than using your voice and speaking your truth.

    It truly sets you free.

    The you that is hidden behind the silence.

    My imperfections are now perfectly Me.

    Each time another one of us speaks their silence, we open up the space wider…sending out courage energy that inspires another.

    The Stitch is a Zig Zag, symbolic of your voice frequency…what does yours look like?

    What are others hearing you say?

    By wearing the orange zig zag stitch, you help conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse and support your loved ones in sharing their stories!

     

     

  • Hush

     "Hush – Moving from Silence to Healing after Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Nicole Braddock Bromley…sounded like a great book. She wrote this in 2007 and will be coming to Michigan Tech on the 28th of March.

    She lost me….before she was half way through.

    In chapter 5 "The truth shall set you free" she writes…

    ….you'll never find genuine healing outside of a relationship with God. I would be doing you an injustice to tell you that breaking the silence and accepting the truth about your abuse is the end of your healing.  I've heard many speakers say that you should never expect to overcome the pain of sexual abuse. They say that you'll aways feel empty inside because of it. My message is different.. I just can't leave you there!"

    "You see, I know from my own experience that knowing God was what quieted my    questioning heart and allowed His healing waters to flow in and out of my life. Some of you may be thinking, "This may have worked for Nicole because she has a close relationship with God, but it won't work for me. I don't have that. The greatest news in the world is that you can have one too! What God has done for me, He is longing to do for you."

    "If we're truthful, we have to admit that our own efforts to cope with abuse haven't really worked. In many cases, they have just added more problems and injuries; and in the end we still feel shame, pain and sadness. We've hurt others and ourselves, and in so doing, we've hurt God. But the good news is that all of this can be forgiven and the slate wiped clean. This happens through a personal relationship with God's Son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for us so that our sins could be forgiven and we could become children of God."

    "All you have to do to join God's family is to admit that you have failed Him, realize that you need him, and ask him to forgive you and to come into your heart to be your Lord and Savior. This is a simple path to an up-close-and-personal, day-in-day-out relationship with the God of the universe."

    "Once you're in God's family, you can start to get to know Him. Ask Him to show you His true character and reveal to you any lies you've believed about him, He will.  he wants to show you! No matter what you are struggling with, take it to the Lord. If it's a lack of faith or lack of desire to know Him more, tell Him. He can handle it.  He wants to hear from you.  He wants to answer you. He wants to help you."  Nicole

     

    These words leave me without words.

    I don't know where to begin to begin.

    She goes on to say…..

    "Replacing lies With Truth."

    "Although most lies took root when you were abused as a child, your abuser isn't the only enemy you have. Satan will try and get you with his tricks as well. He doesn't want you to get very far on your healing journey; in fact, he will do everything he can to trip you up by keeping you from knowing the truth. The apostle John says this about him: "He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44)

    "LISTENING TO SATAN PLANTS THE SEED OF A FALSE BELIEF SYSTEM DEEP WITHIN US."

    "Dwelling on his lies allows a poisonous vine to grow in the soil of our minds and then spread until it affects every area of our lives. The longer you allow it to live on the inside, the more it will manifest itself on the outside in behavior that keeps us in the darkness and bondage. The only way to break free of this oppression is to root out each lie and replace it with truth. When we demolish lies about God, all the lies that stem from a false view of Him will die as well."

    "Survivors of abuse often find it hard to resist Satan's lies because their own experiences make them seem credible. When you find yourself harboring the Devil's lies in your mind, do what Jesus did when Satan tempted Him in the wilderness; Counter each lie with a truth from God's Word. This is the way to resist Satan, and God promises that when you do this, "he will flee from you" (James 4:7)."  Nicole

     

    I will go and listen to her.

    But, my overall impression of her book is that it is a dis-service to those of us who are breaking our silence and sharing our truths.

    It left me with one choice.

    Hers.

    I would not recommend this book.

    I can't wait to sit in the audience and feel her message.

     

     

  • This is My Legacy

    In the late 1990's I made a quilted wall hanging from a pattern called "We May All Have Our Differences" by Linda Christensen.  

    A photo of this quilt was pasted to a card I received today….from my mother.

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    This quilt may have planted the seeds to my Lady that was to follow.  

    I actually did the hand appliqué that this pattern required.  It was my one and only hand appliquéd quilt….ever, and I gave it as a gift to my mother.

    How ironic is the name…."We may all have our difference" and its deeper message besides the body's shape and size.  And, that I created this quilt before my breakdown into reality from denial.

    I continue to marvel how my quilts have been speaking to me and how I missed their deeper message.

    As I sit here, a new grandmother; what has been the most profound is My Legacy.

    I feel the space I am offering to my little granddaughter.

    Another avenue that wasn't open to me.

    I have forged new ground.

    Shown another way to deal with abuse.  

    Modeled how it isn't a life sentence…nor does it have to be handed down.

    By going against my mother and her chosen path, I have given my children and their children a new way forward.  

    THIS difference is what has kept my mother and I estranged.

    My mother never changed course. 

    She kept repeating the pattern she was given; denial.

    See sin and Bless/ forgive, forget….repeat.

    A never ending cycle for abuse to flourish in…and the victim no way out.

    As I gazed upon her handwriting, I could not imagine what words she could give me as a new grandmother.

    "Grandchildren are a reward for having children.  Completely different than a parent. You have all the fun and none of the responsibility." (ironically, she didn't know how to spell responsibility – "she had to look it up," she wrote)

    She is so wrong.

    Our responsibility to our grandchildren begin with our children.

    It begins with our responsibilities of being a authentic women.

    It grows from the truth…and our reactions to it.

    It isn't just fun and games AFTER neglecting our parenting responsibilities.

    I feel as a grandmother that I have lived a life that my granddaughter can be proud of.  My morals and my values have content.  They are not just words or sentiments of a religion's facade…or thoughts in my head. I live my morals and values in action and deed.

    I literally feel that I have deflected or neutralized the legacy of my mother upon my grandchild…by being a different woman than my mother.  By doing what she wasn't able to do…to walk away from family; when family abuses.

    And, she comes in seemingly free of any responsibilities of what her parenting did to me…and feels she is entitled to continue engaging with me…regardless of my actions of estrangement.

    She isn't responsible for my childhood damage; nor is she responsible for the work and effort I have done to rid myself of its mark.

    She appears to be oblivious to her legacy and thee affects it had upon her children…and their children.  What does she feel she has imprinted upon us?  What marks do we carry from her and her life's choices?

    I know she doesn't know know know what she has done; what her true legacy is.  That the only thing she can hand down is what she has lived.  No would of, could of, should of, is passed down.  Just how you responded to life.

    We can only experience our parents by what they do; not by what they meant to do.

    I know that some feel she loved us. 

    She did her best and loved us.

    But the proof is in how we each feel about ourselves; our self esteem.

    Did she protect and fight for our innocence and little child self?

    Did she put aside all of her comfort and connections to our abusers.

    Did she see the child first and then herself?

    As a mother; did she nurture us and keep us from harm….or, when the abuse was discovered, did she make drastic changes to ensure we never had to be with our abuser again?

    No.

    How can a woman who shirked her responsibilities as a mother…become a grandmother and then a great-grandmother?

    Is it possible to keep skirting your responsibilities…but claiming the roles?

    I feel that I have earned the right to be called grandma.  

    I have created a safe place for children.  

    I have shown I can keep my distance from folks who abuse or who are friends with abusers.

    I am a real grandma.

    A safe grandma.

    This feeling has filled me with great peace.

    I know that I prepared this place for the little ones who will come into our family.

    They will not have the same landscape I had to endure.

    There will be someone in their family who has set the pattern in place that shows what to do when abuse walks in.

    I may have been a slow starter….but once I began, I did not stop until I cleared away all that wasn't love.

    My beautiful little granddaughter will know love.

    For I now know what love is.

    Love is being responsible for your own truth.

    Love is being free to be yourself.

    All she has to ever do is be herself, and live her truth.

    Grandma showed her how!

    This is my legacy!

    My Ladies are women who dance to their own truths!

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  • Ruby

    "When you get something on the page, it leaves your body."  Cynthia Bond – Author of "Ruby"

    I loved this line in her interview in "O" magazine… and I loved her book, "Ruby". 

    When asked why she wrote…."I was just trying to stay alive, and writing was the way I could do it."

    She also says, "My memories of abuse are not linear – they're like swatches of fabric I keep trying to stitch into a pattern.  Often they don't make sense.  I try to match colors, like piecing together a puzzle.  Is that sky or water? Paint or blood? I started having such vivid memories, I couldn't move.  I was afraid I would hurt myself. Finally I started writing. I got help. My mother saved my life again and again. I wrote and wrote, and started putting together a novel. I didn't mean to. And I had no idea it would end up being so long – it was originally close to 900 pages.  When my agent saw how long it was, she urged me to break it into three books.  This is the first."

    I loved the way she writes…

    "She wore gray like rain clouds."

    Yet it is a book that is laced with abuse and how it is seen or more… overlooked.

    Very colorful characters who interact in a way that creates the climate for abuse.

    Her landscape is different than mine, her heritage not the same; the abuse in the book much more severe…and yet the outcome remains the same.

    Loss of self.

    Voices in your head echo the way your abuser (s) see you. 

    Another line…which I heard went something like this. "Until you hear the lie of your abuser, you will not see your self."

    As she ends the interview, she says "No one was ever brought to justice, though everyone knew who did it.  My grandfather died knowing his daughter's killers remained free. I'm glad I'm in a position to talk about these atrocities."

    I see this as the flow of how humanity changes when abuse appears and its journey.  Not only what it does to lives; how they change…but then the course correction that is possible.  

     

     

     

     

  • Work of Art

    How fun it is to see someone see My Lady for the first time.  I get to see her again, through their eyes. And, I get to share her/our story.  

    My art goes beyond what you first see; the deeper connection is to feel the power of humankind…resilience – hope- freedom- empowerment – courage and boldness to name a few.

    Oh and the energy of the My Lady, is expressed in so many ways.  I love the changing emotions.  I love that my feelings are often displayed in the fabric.

    I also love, that often I don't even grasp what I am creating until it is done or until months/years later.

    When they go and hang out at a new venue, I get to see them once again with fresh eyes.

    I love My Lady.

    I am proud of her.

    I love her adventurous nature and how willing she is to be seen.

    Yet each time I unroll my fabric bundle of quilts…it is to unfurl my soul.

    I am sure there are still remnants and visages of my me that fear to be seen in my entirety.  Where my art, my wound and my recovery are all embraced.

    As a fiber artist; I am sewn into each piece.

    Just as quilts are cut up and rearranged; so am I.

    Rearranged into a work of Art.

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  • Gambling with reality.

    "She had a fantasy, that no reality could compete with," was a line in book I was listening to.

    In the story, the woman had created a husband; a perfect husband and was incapable of bringing into reality who he really was compared to what her mind had painted.  He had passed away 6 years ago, and at the time of his death there were secrets she didn't know.  

    And, she LOVED her version of him; regardless of reality.

    If she brought in reality, it would change how much she loved him.  

    He would become a stranger; and unlovable.

    How common is this fantasizing and then blaming reality when you have been duped.

    Isn't this denial?

    How hard is it to let go of perfect for the imperfection of reality?

    What mostly crashed in my world 10 years ago was the fantasy I had; my vision of my family…minus reality.

    Many see me as mental now; while they cling to their fantasies.

    While they continue to forge relationships with the unreal.

    That if you pretend to pretend to pretend enough…your fantasy will override reality's imperfections.

    I marvel at the minds ability to take the least amount of information and weave the most plausible story… as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says.

    Not only create a story, but to believe in it wholeheartedly AND then LOVE it.

    Love the story in the mind…over reality.

    Leaving reality and its sharp contrast and relentless attention to details, completely untouched.

    It has boggled my mind to watch this in action.

    It doesn't matter how big a stretch it is between reality and fantasy, fantasy will win IN THEIR MINDS.

    To lay them down on paper side by each, they would be polar opposites and yet they will go with the mind.

    Unflinching.

    Unseeing.

    Blind.

    Blind to what is.

    Denial.

    "The action of declaring something to be untrue."

    How do you declare something untrue?  

    Is it by saying the opposite?  

    Or just not speaking the truth.

    Can you save your fantasy by omitting the truth?

    I had to look up fantasy.

    "the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable."

    It isn't to just dream a fancy dream; but to dream the impossible or improbable.

    Do you know what improbable is?

    "not likely to be true or to happen."

    Its synonyms are "unconvincing, unbelievable, incredible, ridiculous, absurd, preposterous, outrageous…."

    "Since improbable means something is unlikely but not impossible, your optimism allows you to keep hoping."

    The fantasy is betting your whole life upon something that is unlikely to happen.

    Living and holding out for the less than 1% chance it could be true….while the other 99% is ignored.

    Remaining optimistic against all odds. 

    That is where my family of origin resides.

    Waiting on the improbable.

    I wonder if reality can only come in when you give up all hope.

    When you let go of 'it's possible'.

    When you realize that Hell will never freeze over…

    It is the slimmest of margins that keeps folks in denial.

    Imagine, the only thing holding you in denial is the smallest of chances that the improbable WILL happen.

    You are gambler who bets only on the worst odds.

    And, you gamble with your life….

    Your happiness,

    Your love,

    Your joy,

    Your peace and

    Your self on the worst; in hopes they will someday change…or your fantasy will match reality someday.

    Gambling with reality.

    (And, reality wins only 100% of the time….Byron Katie)

     

  • After Me.

    Have you ever consider what your content is?  How much of your self you see as physical and how much mental, OR how much you consider the part that doesn't seem to age and has its own likes and dislikes, that is drawn or feels passionate about certain things. The space that isn't body or mind….and then, how much do each part make up in your world.

    Like is the body 50% and the mind like 30% and how can you know how you have divided your self. 

    I am also wondering with age if these numbers change or do they even change daily or minute by minute.

    And further more, how do you see yourself and then how does it feel?

    How in touch are you with the part of you that is unseen and untouched inside?  And, where do you focus most upon?  If you can sit quiet and try and see yourself from many angles, you will see you are multifaceted.

    I also believe, that when I had shut down and away my true essence; my soul….I was living with more fear, for I was connected more fully with my body.  Not the inner psyche, but the flesh and bones (size and look).  I was also connected more fully to the labels; but not the lady wearing the labels.

    To see my wife duties but never giving the lady doing them a second glance.

    Same with being a mom, a friend, a sister and a daughter. 

    I was all those things; minus me.

    The Me that could freely speak, act and be Me.

    And, what is so very interesting, is when I became connected to the inside of me, I lost relationships on the outside.

    I have been re-reading my journals.  I see a woman struggling with reclaiming her inner sense of self and knowing it was affecting how others responded to her.  And yet, I could no longer live in labels without Me.

    I was taught and rewarded for discarding me.

    And, in order to bring me to the labels, it would require an adjustment period.  And, in the end, some relationships could not handle the new role with me inside.

    I now see myself as 90% soul…inner being and 10% body and mind.

    I no longer am driven by the label and what society 'expects' of each label. I have redefined it for me.  My labels come after Me.

     

     

  • Fueled By Our Truth

    Elizabeth Gilbert asked to share a photograph of when you felt the most powerful.  It is odd, it isn't the one where your hair was perfect, you body size at its best and the right outfit.  

    "Generally speaking, the deepest kind of power doesn’t have much to do with anyone else at all. Nothing to do with status, nothing to do with reputation, nothing to do with winning.

    Because you can achieve all that stuff (status, reputation, victory) and still feel lost as hell. 

    No, true power comes from standing in your own truth and walking on your own path.

    That's it.

    When you are operating from that place (standing in your truth; walking on your path) you are the mightiest thing that has ever lived. Nothing can harm you."  Elizabeth Gilbert

    I have a great slide show of memories of me being powerful. 

    Perhaps one that began the roll was facing my mother.

    Staying with my truth against her perceptions and beliefs of our shared history.

    To dare and face her down. Or maybe more true, to dare stand UP for me.

    And to be the Guest Speaker at the Dial Help Gala, with My Story Line quilts so beautifully showcased….to speak to an audience about being estranged due to abuse.

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    I was reading Rythea Lee's quote ""The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence." — at Michigan Technological University.

    To speak at "Take Back the Night" being the voice of a victim who no longer cowers in silence and shame.  

    To standing in Copper Country Mental Health, surrounded again by my quilts and speaking about my healing journey from abuse.  

    1234410_10153263504400594_821554407_nWhat I love is that I am not sad; but seem to be in my Element!

    And then to "Call Me Mental"…the documentary film that is still in progress. (This was almost exactly one year ago.  Feb. 10th)

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    It is remarkable, even to me, how comfortable I was talking about the quilts and Me and my breakdown into reality…  

    And, as I was looking through these photographs, I see how I have been so lovingly handed from one new friend to another…

    How I was able to be open and trust that my words would be heard…that I would be seen; and my truth recognized.  

    That is what gave me power!

    Oprah says we all want to be acknowledged.

    "Can You see me and does what I say matter?"

    I feel very grateful for all the opportunities and my ability to say Yes and step out of my comfort zone.  To be a visual reminder to many that our power is fueled by our truth.