Author: bjukuri

I was listening to a fictional book, "All Fall Down" by Jennifer Weiner and she was writing about a woman who discovered her mother had been an alcoholic for the first time when she was in rehab.

She had a wonderful way of writing about the fact that we are living very close to piercing the curtain of denial. That just one slip and the veil is broken and we are tossed into a completely different world.  The life and childhood and even the relationship between her parents completely changed, once she knew that her mother was not who she thought she was.

She described it as two worlds living by each other and in heartbeat, you can be tossed into the other world…and the old one is now closed to you.

I am uncertain if I can correctly articulate the how close this other world is; while you are an unbeliever that it exists.

How cleverly it is disguised by your unknowing.

It is right there.

But your faith in the other world is so complete…you don't ever even comtemplate a different view of your parents…say.  You just continue to believe your childhood version. Until.

Until something pierces the veil of unknowing.

This cover that was placed there when you were too young to know. To incapable in undestanding the nuances of adult behaving badly.

And yet.  Once she knew, she understood her self better and her parents became strangers to her.

I understand this.

If you can visualize how awkward it is to be living a life not knowing the truth and not being able to fit in and feel comfortable. Something is "OFF" and you believe it is you.

I guess I hadn't seen it as two complete worlds running side by each….and me living in one (the false one) and my parents living in the real world, keep it from me.

Keeping it from me by not letting me live there.

Not allowing their truth to live with me.

Again, not sure if it makes sense to you all, but it certainly does to me.

The spin they place on reality when we are children and believable…is what helps creates this alternate world.  And, our need and survival upon them.  We need to believe in a world that isn't cruel.

I guess I had taken complete ownership of my denial, that it was my fake world…and didn't consider their hand in helping me stay there.

The multitude of ways of covering it up…and the stresses of not letting the two worlds meet.

How we see what we believe and not see what is.

These two worlds exist side by each….always. 

Which world you live in depends upon many things.

It wasn't until she see herself as her mother…and she was having a hard time pretending this "other world" was her life.  When the truth was too hard to cover up or she was tired of trying…or her husband was tired of the lies he kept stumbling up…that she gave up pretending.  And, it all fell down.

What falls apart, when our lives fall apart, is often the fake world. The one we pretend is us.  The one we share with others, but isn't our truth.  When my world crashed, it was on the pretend one.

Each time we lie or deceive, we are creating another world.

And, I wonder how many folks die living in a fake world.

How many live in just one world.  One where truth is told, no matter what.  Whose life has only one side…reality.

Interesting to know, if you are not being wholly authentic, there is another world running at your side. The two lives of you.

 

 

"Codependents go numb by obsessing, controlling and denying."  Melody Beattie

"Codependency is subtle, insidious. To recover from chemical dependency, we admit that we're powerless over alcohol. We realize we aren't controlling alcohol; it's controlling us.  Now alcohol was controlling me again, but it was the alcohol someone else was drinking.  That's what made it so confusing. I began to see I'm powerless over almost everything.  It's a painful, defeated feeling when we admit we're powerless and our lives are that messed up. The good news is, when we surrender to what we're powerless over, we discover our true power."

"Recovering from addictions was grueling. But surprisingly, healing from codependency became fun after I surrendered to the pain. It feels good to take care of ourselves. I became excited, then obsessed – but now I was obsessed with codependency. (Obsession can be positive,) I wanted to learn everything I could – not about the alcoholic, but about this thing that had brought me to my knees. The perky woman who welcomed me to my first meeting was right; If we're alcoholics or addicts and codependents, we are Double Winners."

"The wheel of life turns constantly. It's the wheel that creates paradigm shifts, changes in perception, and changes in our lives. Often events in one person's life symbolize these larger shifts in the world.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama was ousted from Tibet.  But many people say that the Dalai Lama's los was the world's gain. His departure from Tibet symbolized the enlightenment principles spreading from a tiny country atop a large mountain all the way around the world to the United States.  These principles became the basics of recovery and self-care; nonattachment (letting go and detaching); nonresistance (surrender and acceptance); and awareness (taking inventory daily).  Recovery also encourages prayer and meditation.  People in recovery learn to live like little monks – they're offered a spiritual way of life."

"We connect with ourselves and learn to connect in healthy ways with other people. We develop a personal relationship with God, a Higher Power of our understanding. We find meaning in every detail of our lives; there isn't anything that we did or that happened to us that can't be used for good.  We finally find our purpose instead of feeling like a mistake. Plus we get the tools to handle any experience we encounter. These are some of the gifts of recovery. That's what we win, and its a lot more than two things."  Melody

I honestly think most people have no idea that they are codependent and are absent from their own lives; so off center they have disappeared.

They don't realize they are gone, for they have been missing since early childhood.

It's insidious ways has us so focused on what others think and want, we don't even know we are not present.

Do you know when you have lost your self?

Can you find a self you don't even know?

Is it possible, that the only reason you can tolerate living codependently IS because you are not there to protest?

I find this extremely intriguing.

How we as a society have been raised via religion and abusive families to leave our self behind in order to capitulate to their needs.  And, also were rewarded with attention when we did so.  We became another individual, leaving our own self behind, in order to keep the peace in our family.

The codependent self is our false self.

It lives only in the eyes of other.

When I broke down in 2004…it was the codependent that shattered.

While my life appeared to be in complete ruin…a sprout of Self was revealed.

I caught a glimpse of my life and saw I wasn't there.

It was all built upon the needs and demands and rules and beliefs of someone else.

I set out to find my missing self.

I did so by staying disconnected from what others needed/wanted me to do for their own peace and edification.

While it was tragic on one hand…living 46 years as a codependent…it was equally as thrilling to finally be able to be me.  Excited filled the void where codependency once lived.

Being self centered is to have a sense of self and honor that, no matter what task or relationship you engage in.

I am now 10 years in the process of living a life as a separate being.

 

 

More about Boundaries….from Melody Beattie. 

"It's not a boundary if we can't enforce it."  (Love this line!)

AFTER SETTING BOUNDARIES PLAN ON:

.being tested to see if we're serious, especially if previous boundaries were empty threats.

.feeling "after burn" (guilty) for saying what people didn't want to hear.

.needing to be creative to enforce some limits.

.some boundaries taking enormous amounts of energy to enforce.

.people being persistent if they're obsessive, dependent, or spoiled.

.losing some relationships when people can't use us anymore.

.people trying to guilt us into changing our mind.

.people becoming angry when they realize the boundary is real.

.people lying or behaving desperately to get us to back down.

.some boundaries hurting us (to set) as much as they hurt the other person.

Questions:

"Are we willing to do what it takes to enforce a boundary? If not, we'll have to start over. Then the person will push harder. By giving in, we teach people that if they push enough, our boundaries collapse."

WEAK SPOTS

"We may be expert boundary setters. Boundaries roll off our tongues like butter. People barely know a boundary was set. WE know we have a right to express ourselves – except with one particular group of people or one person.  For some reason, that's our weakness with boundaries."

"Many people say that romance comes and goes, but friendship is forever. However, friends can be the hardest to set boundaries with. Although many people expect to argue in romantic relationships, there's an unspoken agreement not to argue with friends."

"Don't resist your weak spots. Awareness and acceptance bring change. The harder it is to set a boundary, the more important the boundary probably is."

Questions:  Who is the person or group that's your boundary weakness?  Do you know why?

BOUNDARIES THAT HURT

"Sometimes we deeply love people whom we need to separate from unless their behavior changes. Even if it's our child who's doing something that harms or disrespects us, we may need to distance ourselves for a while."

"The day arrives when a child isn't our baby. When they become adults, our children need to take responsibility for their behaviors. Setting limits will be good for us and good for our children, too."

"No doubt, some boundaries can hurt us as much or more than they hurt the other person. Maybe that's why it's called "tough love."

Questions:

What is the most painful boundary you've set?

Is there a boundary you're delaying setting because you know how much it'll hurt?

BOUNDARY SETTING TIPS

"Say "Can I get back to you on that?" if someone catches us off guard asking for something. Don't blurt out, "Yes." Retreat until we know what we want to do."

"Prepare for setting difficult boundaries by writing or rehearsing what we'll say.

"Don't explain or justify our actions unless people ask and we want to tell them. Excuses weaken our power."

"Don't forget; Boundaries include saying what we want, enjoy and like, too – not only what doesn't feel good."

"If we spent years not knowing we could say no, we might spend years saying no after we learn we can.  If we didn't get to experiment with power as children, we may go through the terrible twos when we're adults."

"If we feel our boundary collapsing, wirte a reminder letter to ourselves about how it feels when we let someone do what the boundary concerns. Write a letter when the feelings are fresh. When we're tempted to give in, read the letter.  It may stop euphoric recall and help us remember how much that behavior hurts."

"If a boundary involves people doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing. Then, everyone involved can clearly tell if and when the boundary is met."

"Set tough limits in blocks of time to reduce the sting. Set a boundary for six weeks or six months. Then, review the situation. Boundaries don't have to be forever. They can be "until".

"Someone sending hostile thoughts at us for saying "no" can be extremely disruptive. The more bonded we are with people, the more likely we'll feel what they feeling whether we're talking to them or not. If we react by sending back angry feelings, we'll be even more disrupted.  Unhook from unspoken or silent hostility. We we send only loving thoughts to people, it makes those boundaries easier to set."

"If a boundary involves complaining about a service delivered stay focused on the issue. Don't attack the person. Be specific how we'd like the problem solved. We won't always get satisfactory resolution, but our chances improve when we don't put people on the defensive by attacking them. Besides, who wants an angry dentist drilling our teeth or a resentful stylist cutting our hair? They may be working at a job role, but they're people and they have feelings too."

"Sometimes we may think we reached our limit. We may want to be done with a relationship, but when the person calls, we give in and see him or her again. Sometimes the more we resist the person, the more we get pulled back in.  If that happens accept we're not ready to enforce the boundary yet – or we would. It's like the Chinese finger, cuff trick. The harder we pull apart our fingers, the more stuck we get. By relaxing instead of resisting, we set ourselves free."

"We don't have to yell to show power. The more certainwe are about our limits and our right to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly – or softly- we talk. Sometimes a person is being aggressive, or a salesperson is trying to bilk us, we may have to stomp our foot and loudly insist that the behavior stop. We may have to call the authorities. When we need to raise our voices, we'll be more effective if we do it like an actor playing the role of an angry person that if we're screaming because we're out of control and our anger is controlling us."

"We may find ourselves in difficult situations – legally and emotionally. We either get a divorce or let a spouse ruin our credit. It's a decision only we can make. If we can't decide, maybe it's not time. But remember – not deciding is choosing. Do we want the consequences we'll get? Laws are constantly changing. Check- maybe you can legally protect yourself in ways you didn't know existed."

"Other circumstances have legal complications. We have responsibilities for children until they're adults. "Living with my teenager was hell," many parents said. Call the school or police. They may be able to tell you what your responsibilities are; they will probably have the most current resources. Or consult a competent attorney. Knowing your legal responsibilities and options is part of taking care of yourself."

"Get support from a group whose members have similar problems as yours. Don't attend a group with women talking about being married to alcoholics when you're dealing with a teenager engaged in abusive behavior. Whatever you're going through, you aren't alone. Other are going through a similar experience. Support will help more than you know. A group equals more than the total of its members. Something happens that strengthens us in ways we won't know exists until we have the experience."

"If we ask for help and look for answers, we'll find the information, clarity, guidance, and power to set and enforce the limits that are right for us."  Melody 

If setting boudaries is really is being honest and truthful, it is so amazing that folks will have issues with it.  That we will literally be attacked when we say our truth and hold others accountable for their own actions…

When I began this process I was totally taken aback by how others would treat me when I set boundaries. Like I was insane and that I wasn't kind.

That I had a problem with their problem seemed to make me a worse person.

Perhaps it was the sheer volume of dysfunction that I was swimming free of that was so incredibly hard to swim against.  It showed me the level of pretend I had choosen as me.

I was not living my truth, speaking it or walking it.  I was such a pretend person that when I started saying what I really felt boundaries began to rise and relationships began to fall.

I wasn't prepared for the back lash.

I wasn't prepared for those closest to me to strike back with hateful words.

Intuitively, we as children, have to know, that our truths will have consequences.  That the other person whose behavior is hurting us, will not take kindly when we stop taking it.  

My fallout was to be left alone.

As a child, this would have devastated me.

So, instead of living my truth; I pretended to survive.

I know that sounds dramatic and over the top.

But, until you have literally spoken your truth and then taken the steps to protect it and enforce your boundaries.  You haven't experienced the consequences of it. 

Try it. And see what reactions have stood between you and your truth. How will they respond and what will it mean to the relationship between you.

What I have seen or heard most say to me….is that they couldn't do what I have done, for they 'love' their parents or siblings too much. Really?  Or is it more comfortable to be a pretend person than to actually feel what isn't there.

Even what isn't there of yourself.

Here is what I know.  I was truly nobody. I was a compilation of lies.  I was a stockpile of no's that should have been yes….and yes's that should have been no's. I had no clue who I really was; but knew that all hell would break loose if I didn't pretend.

It totally amazes me the distance between my truth and my pretend self and the contrast of both.  How absent I was and then how present.

While living truthfully isn't easy it will bring you back to yourself.  You will begin to be reborn…and the pretend relationships will die.

 

Melody Beattie writes about boundaries in "The New Codependency".

"Boundaries"

When:

.we're done saying "yes" when we mean "no";

.hurtful , disrespectful behavior must stop;

. we're ready to say how we feel, whether people want to hear it or not;

. we're willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that became one-way streets;

. we're ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them they didn't pay back money they borrowed instead of us feeling awkward when we didn't do anything wrong;

.we can't stand what's happening;

.we're done letting someone drive us crazy;

.the pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person;

.we'll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occurr;

. we want to stop doing something but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something but people don't want us to do that;

"When I'd say, "I wish I could buy boxes of boundaries – I'd take four," in my talks after writing Codependent No More, people laughed and cheered.  The word boundaries as it applies to personal limits was only now entering our vocabularies. I didn't know much about boundaries yet.  Many people didn't either."

"Boundaries aren't something we just "get".  They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear."

"Boundaries are the limits of Love."

"TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY;

.what we'll do if people don't stop treating us a particular way;

. what people can or can't do to or around us – in our space;

.how far we'll go for someone;

.how far other people can go with us;

.what we will and won't tolerate;

."yes" when we mean it;

."no" when that's our answer;

."maybe" when we are unsure;

.what we will or won't do if people don't respect the boundaries we set.

"Boundaries come from speaking our truth.

BOUNDARIES REQUIRE

.self-awareness,

.self-love,

.honest communication,

.saying the hard stuff,

.aligning with or stepping into our power. 

Limits can make or break relationships. They aren't only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.

HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:

.respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;

.asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding or insisting;

.doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;

.asking if its a good time to  talk when we call;

.not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;

.not borrowing, without asking;

.paying debts on time;

.telling the truth;

.being nonjudgmental;

.not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;

.not pushing our beliefs on others;

.not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;

.calling at normal hours unless it's a true emergency and not drama;

.not talking about others behind their backs;

.not assuming we know the facts unless we do;

.not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors;

When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask!   Melody

Part of growing up or healing from abusive childhoods and even adult relationship IS to learn how to set boudaries or to even find them.

I learned that I have very few boundaries and that it was quite shocking to me and others when I discovered this tool.

And, I love her line…"Boundaries come from speaking out truth!"

I set out to speak my truth and set boundaries along the way.

It wasn't overnight.

Each moment of time and in each encounter I faced my truth.

And in doing so set another boundary.

You don't have to know what you like or dislike, what you have to be willing to do is feel your truth and then speak it and enforce it by requiring this….and setting out a consequence when it doesn't happen.

What I know for certain is being truthful has given me a life that honors me and in doing so honors who they are too.

I am not concerned or trying to change anyone; rather I am only trying to live my life in truth.  And I honor my truth enough to say it out loud.

 

 

Again, from "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins.

"There is a simple way to become conscious of the underlying emotional goal behind any activity through the use of the question, "What for?"  With each answer, "What for?" is asked again and again until the basic feeling is uncovered. An example would be the following. A man wants a new Cadillac. His mind gives all the logical reasons but the logic doesn't really explain it.  So he asks himself, "What do I want the Cadillac for?" "Well," he says, "it is to achieve status, recognition, respect, and solid citizen success," Again: "What do I want status for?" "Respect and approval from others," he might say, "and to ensure that respect." Again: "What do I want respect and approval for?"  "To have the feeling of security."  Again: "What do I want security for?"  "To feel happy."  The continual question, "What for," reveals that basically there are feelings of insecurity, unhappiness, and lack of fulfillment. Every activity or desire will reveal that basic goal is to achieve a certain feeling. There are on other goals than to overcome fear and achieve happiness. Emotions are connected with what we believe will ensure our survival, not with what actually will. Emotions themselves are actually the cause of the basic fear that drives everyone to seek security constantly." David

 

What I found so intriguing in this, is that we keep looking towards new goals but rarely ask "What For?"

And, at first glace the reasons seem kind and even healthy, but what drives the goal is by far more important.  What feelings lie underneath?

David Hawkings has what he calls a "Scale of Emotions".

"The Scale of Emotions"

"For simplicity and clarity, we will utilize the scale of emotions that correspond with the levels of consciousness. A thorough presentation of consciousness levels , their scientific basis, and practical application is found in Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior".

"Briefly, everything emits energy, either positive or negative. Intuitively, we know the difference between a positive person (friendly, genuine, considerate) and a negative one (greedy, deceitful, hateful).  The energy of Mother Teresa was obviously different from the energy of Adolf Hitler; most people's energy is somewhere in between the two. Music, places, books, animals, intentions, and all of life emit an energy that can be "calibrated" as to its essence and its degree of truth."

"Like goes to like." The different energies constellate in "attractor patterns" or "levels of consciousness."  Each level of consciousness (or attractor pattern) is calibrated on logarithmic scale of energetic power, ranging from 1-1000. The level of Full Enlightenment (1000), at the top of the Map, represents the highest level attainable in the human realm; it is the energy of Jesus Christ, the Buddha, and Krishna. The level of Shame (20) is at the bottom, close to death, representing bare survival."

"The level of Courage (200) is the critical point that marks the shift from negative to positive energy. It is the energy of integrity, being truthful, empowerment, and having the capacity to cope. The levels of consciousness below Courage are destructive, whereas the levels above it are life-supportive. A simple muscle-test reveals the difference: negative stimuli (below 200) instantly weakens the muscle, and positive stimuli (above 200) instantly strengthen the muscle.  True "power" strengthens; "force" weakens. Above the level of Courage, people seek us out because we give energy to them ("power") and we have goodwill towards them.  Below the level of Courage, people avoid us because we take energy from them ("force") and we want to use them for our own material or emotional needs."

Here, we deliniante the basic scale, starting from the higher energies to the lower:

Peace (600)  This is experienced as perfection, bliss, effortlessness, and oneness.  It is a state of non-duality beyond separatemess and beyond the intellect, as in the "peace that passeth all understanding."  It is described as Illumination and Enlightenment. It is rare in the human realm.

Joy (540) Love that is unconditional and unchanging, despite circumstances and actions of others.  The world is illuminated by exquisite beauty, which is seen in all things.  The perfection of creation is self-evident. There is closeness to unity and discovery of Self; compassion for all; enormous patience; the feeling of at-oneness with others and a concern for their happiness. A sense of self-completion and self-suffieciency prevails.

Love (500) A way of being that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive.  It does not proceed from the mind; rather, it emanates from the heart.  Love focuses on the essence of a situation, not the details.  It deals with wholes, not particulars. As perception is replaced with vision, it takes no position and sees the intrinsic value and lovability of all that exists.

Reason (400) This aspect differentiates humans from the animal world. There is the ability to see things in the abstract, to conceptualize, to be objective, and to make rapid and correct decisions.  Its enormous utility is problem solving. Science, philosophy, medicine, and logic are expressions of this level.

Acceptance (350) This energy is easy going, laid back, harmonious, flexible, inclusive, and free of inner resistance. "Life is good.  You and I are good. I feel connected." It meets life on life's terms. There is no need to blame others or blame life.

Willingness (310) This energy subserves survival by virtue of a positive attitude that welcomes all expressions of life.  It is friendly, helpful, wants to assist, and seeks to be of service.

Neutrality (250) This is a way of life that is comfortable, pragmatic, and relatively free of emotionality. "It's okay either way," It is free of rigid positions, nonjudgmental, and noncompetitive.

Courage (200) This energy says, "I can do it." It is determined, excited about life, productive, independent, and self-empowered. Effective action is possible.

Pride (175)"My way is the best way," says this level.  It's focus is achievement, desire for recognition, specialness, and perfectionism. It feels "better than…" and superior to others.

Anger (150) This energy overcomes the source of fear by force, threats, and attack.  It is irritable, explosive, bitter, volatile, and resentful. It likes to "get even," as in "I'll show you."

Desire (125) It is always seeking gain, acquisition, pleasure and "getting" something outside oneself. It is insatiable, never satisfied, and craving. "I have to have it." "Give me what I want, and give it to me now!"

Fear (100) This energy sees "danger," which is "everywhere." It is avoidant, defensive, preoccupied with security, possessive of others, jealous, restless, anxious, and vigilant.

Grief (75) There is helplessness, despair, loss, regret, and the feeling, "If only I had…" Separation.  Depression. Sadness.  Being a "loser." Mournful, as in "I can't go on."

Apathy (50) This energy is characterized by hopelessness, playing dead, being a "drain" to others, being immoblized, and the feelings: "I can't" and "Who cares?" Poverty is common.

Guilt (30) In this energy field one wants to punish and be punished. It leads to self-rejection, masochism, remorse, "feeling bad," and self-sabotage. "It's all my fault," Accident proneness, suicidal behavior, and projection of self-hatred onto "evil" others are common.  It is the basis of many psychosomatic illnesses.

Shame (20) Characterized by humiliation, as in "hanging your head in shame." It is traditionally accompanied by banishment. It is destructive to health and leads to cruelty toward self and others.  

"In general, we can say that the lower end of the scale is associated with lower vibrational frequencies; lower energy, lower power, poorer life circumstances, poorer relationships, less abundance, less love, and poorer physical and emotional health. Because of the low energy, such needy people drain us on all levels. They tend to be avoided and find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail).

"As we let go of negative feelings, there is a progressive movement up and the scale to Courage and then beyond, with increasing effectiveness, success, and more effortless abundance. We tend to seek out such people. We say thay are "high". They give off life energy to all living things around them. Animals are attracted to them. They have a green thumb and positively influence the lives of all with whom they come in contact. At the level of Courage, the negative feelings have not all disappeared, but now we have sufficient energy to handle them because we've re-owned our power and self-adequacy. The fastest way to move from the bottom to the top is by telling the truth to ourselves and others."  David

It is amazing how our emotions are markers for our consciousness and how we interact with our feelings creates the content of energy we hold.

When I began living from the inside. Feeling the feelings I had overlooked and denied, the feelings were very overwhelming and intense.  It would seem like the negative ones would kill you and demolish who you are, and instead…I faced each of them and allowed them to be….felt the honesty of each.  Eventually, like hungry children, they became silent.  And, I didn't die.

Looking back, it is hard to explain the force each carried…and how it felt to be so small in comparison to its volume. It is almost like the color and sound were on full volume and I had previously been living in a black and white silent world.

Or dead, maybe frozen…and suddenly very alive.

Here is another paragraph that really struck me.

"Fear of Life is really the fear of Emotions.  It is not the facts that we fear but our feelings about them.  Once we have mastery over our feelings, our fear of life diminishes. We feel a greater self-confidence, and we are willing to take greater chances because we now feel that we can handle the emotional consequences, whatever they might be. Because fear is the basis of all inhibitions, mastery over fear means the unblocking of whole avenues of life experience that previously had been avoided."  David

This is the only way it makes sense that so called normal folk, can't hear and understand the facts about incest and sexual abuse within families. What is more true, is they can't handle the emotions the facts bring with them. 

 

In "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins, he writes…

"Feelings and Mental mechanisms"

"We have three major ways of handling feelings: suppression, expression, and escape. We will discuss each in turn."

1. Suppression and repression. These are the most common ways in which we push feelings down and put them aside. In repression, this happens when unconsciously; in suppression it happens consciously.  We don't want to be bothered by feelings and, besides, we don't know what else to do with them and try to keep functioning as we can. The feelings that we select to be suppressed or repressed are in accord with the conscious and unconscious programs we carry within us from social custom and family training. The pressure of suppressed feelings is later felt as irritability, mood swings, tension in the muscles of the neck, headaches, cramps, menstrual disorders, colitis, indigestion, insomnia, hypertension, allergies, and other somatic conditions."

"When we repress a feeling, it is because there is so much guilt and fear over the feeling that it is not even consciously felt at all.  It becomes instantly thrust into the unconscious as soon as it threatens to emerge.  The repressed feeling is then handled in a variety of ways to ensure that it stays repressed and out of awareness."

"Of these mechanisms used by the mind to keep the feeling repressed, denial and projection are perhaps the best-known methods, as they tend to go together and reinforce each other. Denial results in major emotional and maturational blocks. It is usually accompanied by the mechanism of projection.  Because of guilt and fear, we repress the impulse or feeling, and we deny its presence within us.  Instead of feeling it, we project it onto the world and those around us. We experience the feelings as if it belonged to "them."  "They" then become the enemy, and the mind searches for and finds justification to reinforce the projection. Blame is placed on people, places, institutions, food, social conditions, fate, God, luck, the devil, foreigners, ethnic groups, political rivals, and other things outside of ourselves. Projection is the main mechanism in use by the world today. It accounts for all wars, strife, and civil disorder. Hating the enemy is even encouraged in order to become a "good citizen." We maintain our own self-esteem at the expense of others and eventually, this results in social breakdown. The mechanism of projection underlies all attack, violence, aggression, and every form of social destruction."

2. Expression. With this mechanism, the feeling is vented, verbalized, or stated in body language, and acted out in endless group demonstrations. The expression of negative feelings allow just enough of the inner pressure to be let out so that the remainder can be suppressed. This is a very important point to understand, for many people in society today believe that expressing their feelings frees them from the feeling.  The facts are to the contrary. The expression of a feeling, first tends to propagate that feeling and give it greater energy. Second, the expression of the feeling merely allows the remainder to be suppressed out of awareness."

"The balance between suppression and expression varies in each individual depending on early training, current cultural norms and mores, and the media. Expressing oneself is now in vogue as a result of a misunderstanding of the work of Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis. Freud pointed out that suppression was the cause of neurosis; therefore, expression was mistakenly thought to be the cure. This misinterpretation became a license for self-indulgence at the cost of others. What Freud actually said , in classical psychoanalysis, was that the repressed impulse or feeling was to be neutralized, sublimated, socialized, and channeled into constructive drives of love, work and creativity."

"If we dump our negative feelings on others, they experience it as an attack and they, in turn, are forced to suppress, express, or escape the feelings; therefore, the expression of negativity results in the deterioration and destruction of relationships. A far better alternative is to take responsibility for our own feelings and neutralize them. Then, only positive feelings remain to be expressed."

3. Escape. Escape is the avoidance of feelings through diversion. This avoidance is the backbone of the entertainment and liquor industries, and also the route of the workaholic. Escapism and avoidance of inner awareness is a socially condoned mechanism. We can avoid our own inner selves and keep our feelings from emerging by an endless variety of pursuits, many of which eventually become addictions as our dependency upon them grows."

"People are desperate to stay unconscious. We observe how often people flick on the television set the minute they enter a room and then walk around in a dream-like state, constantly being programmed by the data poured into them. People are terrified of facing themselves. They dread even a moment of aloneness. Thus the constant frantic activities: the endless socializing, talking, texting, reading, music playing, working, traveling, sightseeing, gambling, movie-going, pill taking, drug using, and cocktail-partying."

Many of the foregoing mechanisms of escape are faulty, stressful, and ineffective. Each of them requires increasing amounts of energy in and of itself.  Enormous amounts of energy are required to keep down the growing pressure of the suppress and repressed feelings. There is a progressive loss of awareness and an arrest of growth. There is a loss of creativity, energy, and real interest in others. There is a halting of spiritual growth and eventually the development of physical and emotional illness, disease, aging and premature death. The projection of these repressed feelings result in the social problems, disorders, and the increase of selfishness and callousness characteristic of our present society. Most of all, the effect is the inability to truly love and trust another person, which results in emotional isolation and self-hatred."

"In contrast to the above, what happens instead when we let go of a feeling? The energy behind the feeling is instantly surrendered and the net affect is decompression. The accumulated pressure begins to decrease as we constantly let go. Everyone knows that, when we let go, we immediately feel better. The body's physiology changes. There are detectable improvements in skin color, breathing, pulse, blood pressure, muscle tension, gastro-intestinal function, and blood chemistries.  In the state of inner freedom, all bodily functions and organs move in the general direction of normalcy and health. There is an immediate increase in muscle power. Vision improves and our perception of the world and ourselves changes for the better. We feel happier, more loving, and more easygoing."  David

It is amazing and quite shocking and incredibly true, "People are terrified of facing themselves. They dread even a moment of aloneness."

Imagine. We don't want to face ourselves!

We will do endless amounts of behaviors to keep us from seeing who we are and to acknowledge own and be responsible for our feelings.  

I know this to be true.

I also know, and recognized, it was up to me to take the negative and neutralize it and not spew forth more negative energy.  

David goes on to write….about Feelings and Stress.

"There is much attention and publicity given to the subject of stress without a real understanding of essential nature. It is said that we are more stress-prone than ever.  What is the essential cause of stress?  Certainly is is not the external precipitating factors. they are merely examples of the mechanism we described as projection. It is "they" or "it" that is thought to be the culprit when, in fact, what we are feeling is merely the letting go of the inner pressure of repressed emotions. It is these repressed feelings that make us feel vulnerable to external stress."

"The real source of "stress" is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within to be triggered by a stimulus. The more fear we have on the inside, the more our perception of the world is changed to a fearful, guarded expectancy. To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place.  To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person, it is a world of temptation and sin, which they see everywhere. What we are holding inside colors our world. If we let go of guilt, we will see innocence; however, a guilt-ridden person will see only evil. The basic rule is that we focus on what we have repressed."  David

I am enjoying this book so far and I am only on the first chapter!  It certainly explains how we all see the world so differently.  How you see it, IS what is inside!