I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • “I believe you”

    In the news and on social media I have witnessed how victims of sexual assault are treated; by how the event is publicly overlooked and unaddressed and/or the victims themselves are evaluated.

    It seems we either are ignored… or lambasted and interrogated about your life and life choices.  If you can show you are a more worthy opponent than your abuser, perhaps then your truth will be accepted.  If your abuser is someone who has created a public reputation that is bigger than yours…it will be near impossible to be heard and have folks 'change' their minds about him.

    His mask of normal will not be nudged by your truth.

    And, there is a really odd collaboration of voices that refuse to be used for victims of abuse…and whose tongues are held quiet as if the abuser holds their mouths closed with an invisible clamp.

    I find this so maddening. I sometimes can hardly stand the insanity of it all.

    People find it so easily to expound upon the virtues of success and team wins…but when it comes to lending their voices to support a victim in a sexual abuse crime, they go mute…and words fail them.

    Isn't it quite remarkable in the ways we use our voices?  And even more remarkable is when we don't.

    Who votes on when we speak and when we keep silent OR who do we give our voices to?

    This thought was quite perplexing and vexing to me.

    How easy it is to cheer for a winning team who truly doesn't need our voice…they won.

    And, how difficult it is to give our voices to those who need it.

    Those whose own voices are not loud enough to make others believe their truths…and would greatly appreciate a choir of support and yet their ears echo with deep silence OR questions and inquiries twisting and riping apart their words, intentions, motives, and life situations.

    We get to pick one of the two.

    1. Silence

    2. Interrogation

    The third choice of lending support by adding their voice and convictions is seldom offered unless and until the abuser confesses…

    It is like the world is waiting for an abuser to admit and announce to the world FIRST and then they will cheer for the victim.

    What would it cost the average person to side with a victim BEFORE a criminal trial?  

    Does the majority of people still believe that we would willingly suffer the silence of indifference and/or interrogation, along with willingly doning the garment of shame, blame, and stigma of abuse for what….attention???

    Do most folks sit with what it is we supposedly have to gain by breaking our silence?

    It's my understanding that "False reporting" happens 1% of the time and the other 99% are telling the truth.

    How are these statistics ignored and not believed?

    Why is it that silence and mistrust or disbelief is our knee-jerk reaction?

    For generation upon generation we know that the abuser has more power and yet we place the powerless victims in a position of having to try and convince us they are powerful???  

    Sexual abuse is NOT about sex….but power.  Their victims are those of less power, and they (abusers) use their image, their station in life over the victims KNOWING the victims will NOT be believed.  They even tell the victims "No one will believe you."

    My head hurts with the puzzle of this …how good people fall victim to supporting the perpetrators by clenching their mouths shut.

    And they have the audacity to explain and excuse their silences.

    Do they really NOT know that they are playing into the play book of the abuser perfectly; speaking the lines that the abuser has sold to the victim.

    "Who will believe you?"

    And, not only the lines from the abuser, but the lines that we ourselves repeat and believe, based UPON how we see other victims being treated.

    How many examples are there of people rushing quickly to the sides of victims?  Is it often that we site the abuser BEFORE a criminal trial?  

    How is it that we as a society will slam a victim into a slot of "LIAR" until it can be proven otherwise?  Why is this okay?  How come the abusers get to wear the label "truth teller" when despicable things are being shared about them?  And yet we transfer these labels…and victims are tagged and categorized fabricator until it can be proven otherwise.

    Mostly the victims are again, of less power, less status, less age, less income, LESS LESS LESS…

    Does this imbalance make us automatically put our words and thoughts and votes and beliefs on the scale with the most?

    If I could carefully articulate how it feels to be standing alone on the scales of 'justice'….on the scales of humanity; alone against the world and your abuser…perhaps then, you would lend your voice.

    What will it take for the majority to start standing with the victims?

    How is it that most don't want to be the minority and speak up.

    Even if the minority are victims of criminal behavior done against them.

    Don't people get it.

    Victims get victimimized again…when they are made to stand alone.

    In my case…alone with my pants down, all my father's shame was laid upon me. I couldn't then understand the folks who turned their backs or sealed their lips with silence…or worse yet crucify me.

    I wonder when humanity will get this?

    When they will dare be the voice in the silence…saying, "I believe you."

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  • You Thought you Knew…

     

    Video: WSJ Live: Andrew Solomon on Strengths in Difference.

    What I hadn't thought about is our "Vertical" identity; the things we naturally inherit from our family of origin, the language we speak, color, religion etc…and then what Andrew calls our "Horizontal" identity that we get from our peer group.

    He suggests that most parents ideally love their exceptional children…but it takes a long time to accept them.

    He is mostly speaking about the exceptional child; those born with differences…but what came to me my peer group of adult children of abuse…my horizontal group.

    I became an exceptional child at 46 when I acknowledged my abuse; when my denial broke.

    Andrew speaks of how society is expanding and changing, in there being less stigma for the exceptional…but I believe the most challenged today are the abused children peer group.

    Mostly because its acceptance would threaten the 'normal' family and 'normal' parents…creating them to the 'exception' not the rule.  In order for the stigma of abuse to disappear, the normal family will lose its grip on normal.

    Our peer group most often doesn't ideally get parental love; for in abusive families it isn't there.  Let alone acceptance.

    In fact, most often our families are the ones to turn their backs on us IF we insist on aligning ourselves with our peer group.

    And if we turn our backs on our peer group, we turn our backs on our truth.

    For some reason I knew we were the most stigmatized for our 'exceptional' status was created by family or someone known to our families.  

    While it appears that the stigma is about us and our past of being sexually abused, it is much more about the family losing its reputation…and about changing the images and ideals we have about it.

    Bill Cosby is in the news about sexually abusing women.  How many will adjust their preconceived ideals about him and change him into a man who rapes and abuses women?

    His sterling image is more at stake than the women…and yet most will want to know more about the women accusing him; than question him and his actions.

    This is the stigma we face.

    In order for us to be loved and accepted in our peer group, someone has to fall.

    Someone's reputation will be sullied.

    Someone's love will turn to abuse.

    Someone's life will change dramatically.

    Our peer group, "children of abuse" are mis-labeled and seen as the wrong doers…and are gladly cast off in order to save the reputation of our abusers.

    We are questioned, our motives scrutinized, our words doubted…and the abuser is allowed to stand mute and will gain volumes of supporters based on his carefully constructed mask he/she presents to the world.

    The stigma of being abused IS that we are falsely accused of being the wreckers of family, the non-forgivers, the ones out to ruin an otherwise good person or family.

    By casting us as the bad guys you all are letting many abusers run free all because you don't dare change your ideals about someone you thought you knew…

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • About Me

    I am reading "Zimzum of Love" by Rob and Kristen Bell.

    "Zimzum (originally tzimtzum) is a Hebrew word used in the rabbinic tradition to talk about the creation of the world – not in a scientific way but more like something somewhere between poetry and metaphysical speculation.  Followers of this tradition began with the assumption that before there was anything, there was only God. The divine, they believed was all that was.  For something to exist other than God, then, God had to create space that wasn't God.  A bit esoteric, but stay with me.  Their contention was that for something to exist that wasn't God, God had to contract or withdraw from a certain space so that something else, something other than God, could exist and thrive in that space.  And the word they used for this divine contraction is zimzum. God zimzumz, so that everything we know to be everything can exist and thrive."

    "We loved the is word zimzum, and we were struck with how well it describes what happens when you're married,  The more we talked about it, the more we found ourselves bending and stretching this word, making it our own."

    "You meet this person, you fall in love, and you zimzum – creating space for them to thrive while they're doing the same for you.  This zimzuming unleashes energy and creates space that didn't exist before, generating the flow that is the lifeblood of marriage."

    Chapter 2 Responsive.

    "The space between you is extremely responsive.

    "We've Drawn this image for responsive as a large, bold arrow toward the other person because everything you do and everything you are affects the flow between the two of you.  It's like a finely tuned radar, or the needle on the record player, the slightest notes and sounds amplified along with every bit of dust or smallest scratch."

    "People often aren't aware of just how responsive the space between them is.  It matters what you say, it matters what you do, it matters what you think about this other person, it matters how you think about yourself.  All of it, good and bad, shapes the flow between you."

    "To keep this energy field full of life and vitality, you intentionally actfor their well-being. This movement is the foundation of your life together. It's what everything rests on. It's the engine, the catalyst, the energy that keeps the space between you humming.  It's what you return to again and again."

    "Your emotional health matters."

    "It matters when you meet someone, it matters when you're committing to spend the rest of your life with that person, and it matters when you've been together for one or seven or twenty years. Whatever history and baggage and issues you bring to your marriage, they now belong to both of you because when you get married whatever is yours is now ours."

    "We bring our entire selves to this space between us."

    "The arrow leaves you and extends to them – that's how the flow is sustained. Whatever it is – unresolved issues with your family of origin, addictions, struggles, emotional scars, wounds from past relationships, regrets, destructive habits, unhealthy patterns of reaction or avoidance – it's all there in the shared space between you."

    "You cannot keep your issues to yourself.  The space is too responsive. It's like a motion sensor, picking up the most subtle movements.  You can't hide anything, even if you think you're hiding it."

    "It's an illusion that whatever it is, "it doesn't affect the marriage," or "what they don't know won't hurt them," or "it's not a big deal."

    "It does, it will and it is."

    "You're intentional about your own health because your marriage will only be as healthy as the least healthy one of you."

    "As counterintuitive as it may seem, taking care of yourself is one of the best gifts you can give the other person you are married to This includes exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep, engaging in regular practices that feed your soul – these are all essential to giving your best to the person you love."

    "This isn't about perfection; it's about the direction you're headed in, the trajectory you're on, both of you – and the two of you together – refusing to settle, pursuing the best possible life together."

    "Pain and discomfort and the gnawing sense that things could be better are your friends. They wake you up, they stir you to action, they motivate you to get help. This may mean initiating difficult conversations, finding help in a book, a class or retreat, or seeing a therapist or doctor or spiritual director."  Rob and Kristen

    I know from experience…tons of experience the fragility and strength of the space they calls "zimzum".

    I also knew that 10 years ago when I discovered I had no clue who I was, this space between us was in grave danger.  For I was a complete blank and an utter mess in this space.

    All that I had brought, I could no longer bring.

    All that I thought I knew, I knew nothing.

    And, that space still feels immediately when I am out of sorts, when I fly in and spin with betrayal screaming in my cells.

    It is like tossing a grenade in a peaceful pond over a small action that appears benign.

    On the surface it appears that 'their behavior' is the grenade…when in actuality it is my past unresolved unexpressed emotions and history with my family of origin.

    My emotional health and its mindfields disturb the space between us.

    I bring this to the space of zimzum.

    This is the consequences of being in a relationship with someone who is wounded.

    Is it up to the other person to not set of detonation or is it mine to keep the emotions for imploding?

    How easy for me, would it be IF everyone never pushed my button, never brushed near my raw nerves, but stood far and clear from my scabs of childhood abuse. 

    But that isn't reality.

    And, it wouldn't be healthy for me to not have the inner soothing button that it is up to me to find.

    I am responsible for the energy I bring to Zimzum.

    I am also responsible to re-balance myself.

    It is up to me to find the cause and source and know its proper owner.

    To re-direct my emotions there.

    Early on when I fell into a million pieces, it also felt like our marriage lay in scattered pieces as well.  My husband was left in a place that knew no familiar ground. 

    Yet this energy space, this zimzum stretched and encompassed a new me and a different space for me to stretch and grow and evolve. 

    I know this space is very malible.

    In as much as each of us are.

    I also know, had my husband not been willing to let me change; if he demanded the old me back, that would have ceased and stopped the flow of good energy in the space between us.

    I think our greatest achievement between us as two people has been the ability for change and the acceptance of it.

    And, our courage to tackle anything that tries to create negative energy in our zimzum space!

    Often times it is the easies to blame the other….and sadly from experience, my biggest problems have always found their home in me.  I am the one to blame if you will.  And it is utterly 'fixable' if I am willing to do the work.

    There is a wimpy part or a tired part or one looking for the easy way out and it seems…separation or 'making' the other change is what is needed.  When in fact, the toughest most worthwhile change is needed from me.

    I have to readjust my perceptions…about Me. I have to look deeply within and know what about me sets me off.  What parts of me are needing my attention?  Feel this and know its source.

    We are both better when I bring a me under control to our space.

    I am even in control when I am out of control with emotional time travelers…as long as I know it is about me.

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  • Doesn’t Lie

    "Mental illness cannot be treated separately from the person; they are inextricably linked. Bipolar disorder is not like a physical illness where you can point to an empirical issue and fix it. So I feel I've answered the question, "Where does mental illness end and where do I begin?" In my case, we are one. I've made friends with the enemy, and the illness is no longer my disability."  Andy Behrman

    This stuck with me after reading his article.

    And I just experienced how the affects of being sexually abused by my father linger even 10 years into what is called healing or recovery.  It seems I can't escape.

    I believe that the wounded girl will ride with me always.

    I had thought, I could adjust my sails and she would be left on an island; separated from me.  That I could love myself enough, and she would disappear. That perhaps with enough Art Therapy, I could create myself into a person who would be unaffected by her childhood abuse.

    But I now believe I can't separate myself from her.

    I can however make her my friend…or at the very least accept and try to understand her.

    She comes forth when someone close to me spends time with the family I am estranged from.

    The feelings of betrayal flood; erupts.

    I am overwhelmed and lost.

    Betrayed and small.

    The small girl eclipses my nowadays world of being 55. I am reduced to a child inside.

    She doesn't want to be close to the "traitors".

    I once again am uncertain I can articulate how insidious the affects are and how powerful these emotions of my childhood travel into my today world and cloud my judgment. 

    What I know is that I wasn't able to consciously feel these feelings back then.  I had to force myself to participate in family…against the feelings of betrayal.

    Each time family gathers as a normal one, I feel betrayed.

    It is to pretend that my experiences didn't exit.

    I can also see how the trigger happens and also how I place the blame of betrayal upon the wrong person.  

    I back up from my husband or child…feeling betrayed…AGAIN.

    It seems they carry fumes of betrayal from my family…it sticks to their being and I can't get near.

    I place the false blame upon them…transferring my father's and mother's sins upon them.  I can't seem to separate the past from the present; it becomes one.  One big enemy.

    It gets so convoluted…it appears quite mental…overblown and distorted and yet it all makes perfect sense coming from whence I came.

    The lack of true expression as a child, creates this distortion in my adulthood.

    I have a million betrayals coming to bear each time I perceive betrayal.

    I have to look up the word "Betrayal".

    "to fail or desert especially in time of need"

    "to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.

     

    "to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty."

    Before I move on, I had to look up "Treachery".

    "betrayal of trust; deceptive action or nature."

    To me what I felt as betrayal was family betraying the meaning of family.

    By actions and their nature they destroyed the content of what family is.

    I also feel that I tried long and hard to create a family one that was stronger than the original betrayal.

    My parents betrayed family when one chose to abuse the children and the other allowed it by virtue of doing nothing.

    I tried to overlook and build around that.

    Until I 'gave up'…and accepted the truth.  We are not family.

    Yet, I am made to feel like the enemy or the traitor or the one who betrayed the family by sticking to the truth of abuse.

    I can see how I felt as a child up against this family making machine…that totally overlooks and forgives and blesses all things that are unfamily like.  Like a tidal wave they overrun my words.

    The party moves on.

    People act like family is still there.

    The illusion not broken.

    And, each time someone close to me goes to their events, it feels like new believers. 

    Converts.

    I don't have the answers as to how not to feel betrayed…or how not to feel the need to back up. For in the past I neglected these feelings and tried to move forward against the magnetic field pushing me back.

    I sit with this.

    I sit with my wounded girl.

    Giving freedom to come and go, also brings in triggers and these feelings.

    I can see why others demanded complete and utter control and compliance…so as to not feel or see or know the disillusion of family.

    I looked up "Disillusion" too.

    "disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be."

    It must be easier to paint me a new color than it would be to see the betrayal of family.

    I feel I carry the label of being mental or being overly dramatic of screaming betrayal one too many times.

    I think what gets my back up is each time they gather…it feels like they are stating the betrayal never happened; that all is well with family.

    My body reverberates the lie.

    What will always be a part of me is knowing it is a lie.  I can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend, we are family…

    I love that my body doesn't lie.

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     Here is the link to the full article about Mental Illness "Is Recovery Possible?" 

    http://bipolar.about.com/od/electroboy/a/electroboy-mental-health-recovery.htm

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What gives you life?

    "What gives you life?" asked Barbara Brown Taylor.

    What a great question!  

    Or, what makes you feel lifeless?

    What does your soul need?

    What are you thirsty or hungry for?

    On Sunday morning I was down sewing and I could not get the 'tension' correct, so I quit. As I looked up I saw sunshine and dark clouds…and I couldn't get outside fast enough.  In my pajamas with boots and coat, I grabbed a few Winter quilts and hurried outside.

    It grabbed my breath away!

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    The contrasts were spectacular!  Everywhich way I turned, another sight stole another breath.  "Oh My God" I said…over and over!

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    I had a few quilts under my arm, and there were muliple brilliant nature backdrops for which they could rest.  I was overwhelmed and infused with energy.

    Perhaps the reason the tension was off, was to get me outside.  No mistake…

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    I was overjoyed at the set up that nature had created overnight.

    I had intentions of just putting the quilts on the barn, but the woods called to me.

    The section was where we pile burnable stuff, like a refuse….and through it I trod.

    Animals had cut paths so, it was easy to navigate through the thicket.

    It was an opportunity of a lifetime…the correct sky, the right amount of snow, the trees decorated…time of day etc…and, I said yes when I seen just a glimpse through my small basement window. I went outside to see Nature's Art.

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    Seeing the barn from the burn pile side was incredible.  Sometimes all it takes is to look at something from another angle.  

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    The sunshine was behind the quilt that has sunshine behind her. I would see the double image.  One on my quilt and one as I walked around being the real life lady in nature's quilt.

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    I often have blasts of sunshine behind My Lady…a great energy source.

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    What an incredible feeling…where I, nature and my Art are all playing together in perfect harmony.

    This is what gives me life.

    It is a reminder how small I am and how large is the Universe and how we are always in sync with each other.

    Sometimes it is brilliance of a Perfect Sunday Morning…or when you find the correct  wrong definition and your life makes sense.

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    Nature…and your life are waiting to hear…."What gives you life?"

  • Don’t Turn Her Away.

    I think there is a part of us, who thinks we can distance ourself from our self; our past and our experiences AND that we can do this and do that to 'be healed'…which is another word 'to separate from the pain'.

    I also think, this striving to separate from our darkness creates dis ease or disharmony inside of us.  And the longer and harder we work to get away from ourselves, the more ourself, screams to heard…if that makes sense.

    As I continue to bring forth all the aspects of me that I have denied, the one piece I discovered is the one curled up in a self protective mode. 

    The one on guard. Clenched and ready to defend.

    Not willing to relax, breathe…or simply trust, for in this state I was abused.

    My last moment of pure relaxation and trusting was right before abuse happened.

    Once you know, you can't not know….nor will you ever be returned to the state of natural softness.

    And, it is by bringing in the wounded self and completely welcoming her and her wariness, can we both work together to be in the world.

    In striving to 'heal' we often falsely believe that we will get back to our original self, that we can somehow eradicate the affects of abuse…or even the abuse itself.

    Like cutting off the 'ugly' parts…

    But, I would appear to be very odd and none of my life would make sense IF I were to separate me from my past and move on with only the positive.

    Those negative experiences have emotions that are needing expression.

    My responses to life are based upon what I have experienced.

    I would be seen as acting really strange if you separated (erased, deleted, blessed away) all that I have encountered in this life that hurt me.

    I also believe that by embracing my pain, I am reclaiming Me.

    As I rub my painful parts during yoga, tears flow.

    Tears of being accepted and loved just as I am.

    That I create a place within me that holds me.

    I love all my brokenness.

    It is there as I bring her close inside that she heals and I become more whole.

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    I hear her cries, I feel her pain…I don't turn her away.

     

     

     

  • Invalid

    It seems to me we are lacking the venacular for those of us who are estranged from families due to abuse.  We lack new words that carry the correct meanings.  We are left with old words that no longer match our experience.

    When we hear a person say "My Ex" we know that the relationship is broken.  And while we may not get the inside story, we all are aware and no longer expect interactions that symbolize love and family…and we are okay with it.  It makes sense that you and your Ex are not together.

    For those of us estranged, we have no words that symbolize it is over.

    We are left with father or pedophile or his first name, but not my Ex-Father or my Ex-mother etc.

    Having these words and having them BE acceptable to society, would change the stigma of estrangement from family.

    Somehow, this breakup isn't recognized or normalized…and yet there are many of us who have separated from our families due to abuse.

    When a wife leaves an abusive husband, it makes sense for her to legally divorce the person who inflicts pain.  To no longer desire to be in their presence.

    As an estranged member of my family, I lack the venacular that rightly depicts my relationship….except to say "estranged".

    I guess we could put the word 'estranged' in front of mother and father…but can we ever be anulled from our parents?

    Is it possible to make 'void or null' our parents?

    Can you "declare them invalid"?

    I looked up "invalid"…."To remove from active service" or "Something no longer current or useful."

    It almost appears or feels that these definition have been hung on me.  That I have carried within me the lack of use; that I am an invalid daughter/sister.

    I believe that most children who have to leave their families don't walk away feeling valid.

    Okay, I had to look up "Valid"

    "(of an argument or point) having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent."

    I don't know the word "cogent".  "(of an argument or case) clear, logical, and convincing.

    Here is what I am feeling now.

    Due to the fact that our 'arguments' are not seen as reasonable or clear or logical with a sound basis, we are declared "Invalid".

    I feel this to my bones.

    My truth was invalid.

    My experiences, invalid.

    So, it is like I was declared annulled by the virtue of NOT being seen as reasonable.

    I have felt divorced by the family since finding out my father is a pedophile.  It wasn't his unreasonable actions that divorced him from the family; but my 'unreasonableness' in keeping him as my dad…that divorced them from me.

    It is to be divorced, but without there being grounds for it.  Or perhaps reasonable grounds.

    This is all very intriguing to me, how the tables were turned and I made to feel invalid; when in fact the family lost it validity.

    In order to keep the family as family was, someone had to be declared unreasonable….or 'removed from active service'.  

    It was I.

    We tend to carry the blame of the estrangement…the one who walked away.

    But we fail to consider why.

    I, and my truth, was invalid as far as my family was/is concerned.

    It never felt like it was a declaration that started with me, that I decided to be invalid.

    It has always felt like my words had nowhere to go.

    That their meanings and validity were not seen or held in high esteem.

    Is there a language that an incest victim can use to be heard?

    What venacular does it take to topple down a family that is build solidly upon dysfunction…where their lack of seeing me as the one with a valid reason to separate from a pedophile…declares them dysfunctional.

    And, just because they see my truths as null and void, does it make them so?

    Perhaps the reason I haven't found the correct words for my actions, is because they are not my actions.

    All I have ever done is stand by my truths, my experiences and how I feel inside.  

    What I have also known from early on in 2004, was that the only choice I have ever had is to be with my truth or declare it invalid.

    It has not been an easy road for all the while my truths have been seen as invalid.

    That I am standing up for something that they see as unreasonable, unlogical etc.

    To be valid only to yourself is tough.

    It is you against the world…or perhaps only those you call family.

    I know this to my bones.  Most victims of sexual abuse within families….either have to declare their truth 'invalid' or become invalid themselves.

    Who wants to knowingly become nul and void to their families?

    This is the prize for speaking up about your abuse.

    And, we as a society wonder why abuse continues on generation upon generation.

    Which one of you would willingly cut off all ties with family in order to walk your truth?  To speak up only to become invalid.

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  • Cover of denial.

    Family and society's image and belief in its purity or innocence, is the biggest wall a victim faces.  

    We have all bought into the belief that ALL families are safe harbors, all families are love energies…all families have our best interest at heart.  That family is the opposite of our enemy.  

    Family on its own merit is beyond reproach.

    It is like any thought you would entertain that would put a smear upon family has to be lie.  That only the clinically insane would oppose Family.

    I have been in conversations where someone will share "There is nothing more important than Family."

    Family has become this godlike group that surpasses all judgment.  It is an island to be protected at all costs.

    It has a reverance it doesn't have to work at to receive the highest praise.  Just because it's family….it remains untouchable and beyond reason and doubt.

    The energy and life-blood of Family, makes any victim willing to demean it…insane.

    How dare you….who do you think YOU are to take down this icon?

    Are you insane?

    It isn't an individual; but the collective beliefs in its potential and in its true meaning, NOT in the actual family itself…that we are up against.

    It isn't the pedophile father that we are attacking, but the dream and hopes of father/dad.

    It isn't the mother in denial, but the ideal and potential of a protective mother.

    It is the potential and belief that there is far more there than meets the eye…that they are unwilling to give up.

    For, if you sat down in the middle of just who each person is, what has been your experience with them…what kind of relationship it is and how hard you have to work to keep it or how feeble it truly is….there would be nothing to revere.

    Perhaps the greatest fear IS the knowing there is nothing there….

    What so many feel I have lost is family in its highest power.

    That I lost a loving kind protective father.  I did not.  I lost the image and illusion of one.

    And so it goes for all I lost.

    What was perhaps the hardest thing to own, was the absence of what I thought I had.  It is to hold on tightly to a diamond that is really just a stone.

    I know so many victims who are powerless and inert, unable to go against the family in their minds.  Victims who are out of control, stuck in depression and battling addictions ALL to hold Family in high esteem.

    They themselves are willing to die to let family live as love…while it swirls with abuse.

    Victims refusing to see family in its actual content are sentencing themselves to a lifetime of pain…or ways in which they keep pain at bay.

    They too believe, "Nothing matters more than family"….not their life, their happiness, their peace, their love, their self.  Nothing gets ahead of family.

    Believing this…they will never see the source of their pain.

    This sentiment has to change in order for us to get a grip on sexual abuse/incest.

    Family cannot be sacred unless and until its members are.  

    All that forgiveness of sins does is paint a pretty cloud above the original family….and it is this cloud they believe in….not the filth that lies beneath.

    I guess what terrifies most is the fear that the cloud will disappear and all the truth will lay there in the bright lights of reality.

    That is what I saw. 

    Family without its protective cover…of denial.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • When you feel it!

    When asked, "What would you say to your younger self", Elizabeth Gilbert replied, "Nothing…for she would not have listened."  

    I love this.

    I love it because, it isn't the words of wisdom that are available, but our inner desire to hear them…let alone abide by them.

    This frees me from the question I was asked. "What could someone have said to you, when you were in denial?"

    The answer there too is nothing.

    It isn't that we as a society lack the correct language, we fail to recognize that the awakening or the dawning comes from inside, when the time is right.  When the perfect storm, if you will, is set up.  

    When our inner worlds can no longer hold out against the truth.

    It wasn't my neices words alone that broke me open, but rather the feelings of discontent and deep sorrow inside of me…the doubting and restlessness about my life.  I was looking or seeking 'something'.  I just didn't know what.  

    We awaken to our truth when the timing is right…and it is divinely orchestrated. 

    There is nothing we can do to set up and in place all the different pieces for a breakdown of denial to happen.  

    And, when it does…I believe we have just a few moments to answer its call…or go deeper into denial.

    I can't say for sure if we all get the opportunity for our heroes journey, but mine began in 2004. I answered the call of my wounded child, the inner sense of self; my truth. 

    Following and being with your truth IS the heroes journey.

    It is personal…and it can't be prompted by the outside.

    Again everything in my world was perfectly set up for me…at the right and exact time.  Nothing was supposed to happen earlier…it was just the way of it.

    Once you fully embrace that our lives have no mistakes…that our heroes journey begins on time…you will see your life as a beautiful tapestry that makes you you.

    I love that I am free to be me and that it is not up to me to awaken anyone or to shove them on a reluctant journey…but rather live and let live.

    My heroes journey continues…it is up to me, as Elizabeth said…to use my pain and learn from it.  Don't let it be wasted all for nothing pain.  

    I too am happy with my life and my journey….and know when the pain comes again, which it surely will, that I again will grow and expand and learn.

    Elizabeth also said that if the change we sought happened without our efforts, it would make us weak.  I know she is right.  It is the tough changes that WE need to make that make us a powerful self.

    It is by walking through these changes that we grow into a hero.

    A hero for our inner child…our soul.

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    Answer the call of truth….when you feel it.

  • I Am Me Forever

    I discovered something very intriguing today, about myself…and I am not sure I will be able to unravel it or recreate it with writing my experience of me, and how I am able to fool a part of me and hide other parts…while living as me.  

    It is wildly intriguing how the mind works to help you survive even surviving the survival of abuse.

    While the mind played tricks to allow me to survive abuse in my childhood…it once again set in play another game I was hoodwinked into.

    In the past few days, my estrangement seemed more permanent than ever.

    It wasn't that I was more resolute, but rather events would happen and my inner psyche would not be rattled, but rather I felt more in balance than before.  Like I was getting comfortable with my estrangement.

    As I wrote about being estranged and in the early years… how I would tell myself that "For Now" I would do such and such…that it wasn't permanent, but just for now.  I was leaving room, or a door open.

    "For Now" allowed me to not say forever…to not think forever…and to not feel forever.

    It was a place for me to stand…that was like a trial basis for my new decisions.  

    It appeared to give me a way to change my mind.  It wasn't a closed room, but rather a hallway in which I could go both ways.

    I had thought this land of "For Now" was being kind to my family.

    That I wasn't setting up boundaries of forever…and I wasn't closing the doors tight, severing all recourse.

    But, you know what?

    It wasn't for them.

    It was for me.

    I needed this space or reassurance that I could change my mind at any time.

    I thought, "For Now" was for them…that at some point in the future, they would change and be like me.

    Instead today, I understood that "For Now" was for me… so as not to be frightened of the drastic life altering changes I was making…it gave me the false sense of there being a way back to the old me…later.

    I am quite sure I would not have been able to make the choices I was making, knowing it was forever. 

    Knowing that I was changing my life and it was non-reversable.  

    There was never going to be a way back.

    My old life was over…finished. 

    The doorway removed.

    The hallway was one way…forward.

    Estrangement was permanent.

    I was to live the rest of my life separated from my family.

    This wasn't a trial run at being a new me.

    This was the real deal.

    It was a done deal.

    It was over.

    There is no going back.

    The bridge is gone.

    My nature of being a chameleon, was to change into whatever was needed in this moment.  

    I could not have survived, knowing my chameleon skills were lost forever.  That the survivor self I used to survive abuse was being killed. And that this new unchanging me for your comfort was all I would get left with.  Estrangement Me was permanent.

    There will be no reunion with the old me.

    Even though I said good-bye to the survival me, a part of me relied on "For Now" it was a training wheel of sorts, that I used while I was getting used to the new me.

    Part of me now is still in awe that the road back is blown away.

    Just an empty blank void…

    There is a part of me that is excited, there isn't a road there…or a choice to yet be made. That this is final…this is me.

    That I will not have to leak even a bit of me in the hope "For Now".

    I can pour all of me into me.  

    I can be me.

    I don't have to change and change again. Never knowing who I am and what I will have to be.

    I am not this Me for now….I am me forever.

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