I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Loyal to the dysfunction.

    "Step One Summary" in Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

    "Step One requires that we admit that our family is dysfunctional and the dysfunction affects our thinking and behavior as adults. We must admit that we are powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Our lives are unmanageable regardless of appearances of self-sufficiency. Social standing or compulsive self-reliance does not equal recovery. We must realize that will power or self-determination is no match for the effects of growing up in a sick family. We cannot figure it out on our own. We need help. We must shatter the illusion that we can reason out a painless solution."

    "The shares (stories they shared) also represent the critical separation-from family work, which is necessary to gain clarity about our lives. Separating from our families means setting healthy boundaries and removing ourselves from abusive situations and family crises, which are common for dysfunctional homes. Many times adult children struggle in their ACA program because they cannot seem to break ties with destructive or manipulative relatives. We cannot grow and find our true inner selves as long as we engage in family dysfunction that is draining and unhealthy."

    "Separating from our dysfunctional family is a healthy act of defiance. By doing so, we are challenging the authority of the family lie.  We are making a statement that we will no longer be loyal to denial and dysfunctional family roles.  This can seem frightening, but we have the support of our ACA group."

    "Many adult children separate from their families with love not abandonment.  They need time away to focus on themselves and to disconnect from the gravitational pull of a dysfunctional family home. At an appropriate time, we review the relationship we want to have with our families. We will choose to avoid some family members because of they are draining or abusive. Other relatives will accept us and encourage us on our new path even though they may not understand or be willing to walk this way with us. ACA can improve our relationship with our families with the knowledge that we do not have to participate in their dysfunction. We are free to live our own lives." 

    Further on they write….

    "Amazingly, an estimated 50% of adult children of alcoholics deny or cannot recognize alcoholism among their families. By growing up in a dysfunctional home we become desensitized to the effects of alcoholism, abusive behavior, and lack of trust."

    "Recovery from the effects of an alcoholic and dysfunctional upbringing is a process, not an event.  We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to be honest about our own behavior and the thinking we developed while growing up in our family of origin…."  ACA

    This first step or recognizing our family has a problem and that we are saturated with it…is the surrender that is needed. 

    I can recall when it dawned on me, the weight, the breath and the depth of the dysfunction and how far reaching it was…like a spreading virus it seemed to be everywhere and how I was unable to even begin to begin fixing it IN others let alone me.

    The collapse of the lies and the shock and awe of reality…was horrifying and very freeing.

    In the moment I was convulsed with sobs of not being big enough to handle the big mess; was the moment I gave up.

    It was then that I was able to let them go and deal with me.

    And Me, was a big enough mess to sort out.  There was no part of me that wasn't infected.  None.  All my relationships had me in them, and my thinking and behavior was created from a dysfunctional family home.

    Again, the only one place where it didn't appear was in my quilting.  It was a dysfunctional free zone.  It was a mindless adventure in Art….where I was free from the mental mind.

    My separation wasn't to ask for space, It was literally my only chance for survival. I walked away or was shut down when I spoke of the mentalness or dysfunction I could see. 

    I saw what they couldn't and still can't.  It isn't that the dysfunction ONLY lived in my parents, IT is everywhere.  Their minds infected ours and we passed it on to our children….

    Step One says…."We have found that family dysfunction is a disease that affects every member of the family. In the individual it affects the body, mind and spirit. The disease of family dysfunction is pervasive and resilient. The disease is progressive. Our relationships become more violent, controlling, or isolating, depending on which path we take.  Our "addictiveness" to work, sex, spending, eating, not eating, drugs, and gambling, progress as well, depending upon our path."

    "Morever, the disease is generational, which means the traits and thoughts you have at this moment have been passed down from generations hence. Relief from the disease occurs when we do Step work, attend Twelve Step meetings, and seek a Higher Power's guidance. By admitting we are powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and that our lives have become unmanageable, we are ready to move onto Step Two."  ACA

    The insidiousness of dysfunction IS that our minds and behaviors are so tainted by it, we can't even see it.  We are it. And we have to use our abused minds to right our worlds.

    I know this can be done…and what it takes is truth.

    Truth is the only thing that will disrupt the spreading of this disease of dysfunction.

    What truly separated me from my family is the truth and my willingness to follow it and no longer be loyal to the dysfunction.  

     

     

     

     

  • Me from Them

    O Magazine asks 20 questions you should ask yourself…beginning with "Do I examine my life enough?"

    What a great start!  How often to you ask yourself questions about what you are doing and why?  How often are you willing to hear an honest answer AND then react according to your new trth?

    Under the first question is written….

    "Have we established that questions are marvelous, momentous things? If so, can we agree that asking ourselves, the right ones can have life-altering effects? Because have you ever noticed how questions prevent us from settling for less than what we deserve? That asking ourselves Could it be better? is a great way to make things, well a whole lot better? That a bunch of our breakthroughs, triumphs and joys occurred when we asked a few big, bold, paradigm-shifting questions?  Don't we owe it to ourselves – don't we deserve – to live an examined life? Can it be said that asking questions is what keeps us honest, drives us to aim higher – and is the very thing that makes us human?"

    "In a word? Yes.  No question about it."  Katie Arnold-Ratliff

    The first thing that struck me was that questions were marvelous, momentous things…that when we have been taught NOT to question, we see questioning as bad.  

    To question the behavior of a religion and its beliefs was deemed unfaithful.

    To question the way we were raised, unkind.

    Questions and being curious were made to be bad and so we stopped looking at things or digging into the source or tearing apart stuff to see what was there.  Just as we stopped questioning WHY we did what we did. 

    We don't ask…but rather go along to get along.

    How can we get back the freedom to ask questions of our selves as well as others and not be afraid of the answers?

    I love that questions keep us honest. That if you don't even sit with a choice and answer honestly to each decision as it comes along, you are living an unexamined life.

    I know for my first 46 years I lived an unexamined, unquestioned life.  I didn't ask…and I didn't even know what to ask of my self.  I was literally part of a whole. Where the whole went, I went.

    Especially according to family and church and even my husband.

    I literally never examined MY choice.  What my preferences were, my feelings or even understood that I was allowed to have one that was in direct competion with those around me.  I was an unquestioning good person who rarely made waves…or challenged decisions.

    I may not have liked all the choices that were being made, and suffered along silently, but I never even contemplated revolting…or to wage a rebellion against my family and church.  

    Not only did I not question them, I never even glanced my way with questions. Ever.

    I literally did not have the base of me…no foundation that was separated from the pack…no space to question or be me.

    Which is why when my father was exposed as a pedophile, my whole self crashed.  There was no part of me that stood alone outside of that, until that moment. When my whole life was a lie, I had to examine all things to find me…where I had lied to myself.

    In order to reclaim me, I had to answer each question honestly. To find myself I had to answer a million questions that I had overlooked, or was too afraid to ask.

    We don't ask, for we don't want to know the truth…

    When you want to know the truth, you will ask the tough questions…not so much of others, but of yourself.  

    When you don't have a self, it is hard to ask the questions…of you.

    It was terrifying to know I had no separate self and quite thrilling to watch her grow.

    Question by Answer by question…I grew.

    Separating me from them.

     

     

     

  • Lie for Love.

    Martha Beck writes in O Magazine….

    "It may seem that lying is easier than honesty – that it has the magical power to spare feelings and make us appear less flawed than we are.  But the truth is like fresh, clean air, while lies are like smog that poisons our psyches and interactions.  The amount of truth you must tell to any given person depends on how much healthy intimacy you want with that person. The more intimate you want a relationship to be, the more truth you must tell. It's that simple."

    She has rules about the truth…and I just picked the lines I loved under each rule.

    #1 Always tell yourself the truth.

     "The more we align ourselves with our deepest truths, the clearer, saner, and happier our inner lives become."

    Questions for clearing denial.

    What am I afraid to know?

    What am I hiding?

    What do I almost know?

    What knowledge am I avoiding?

    Warning: The truth generated by this exercise may rock various boats in your life. But to continue lying is to doom yourself to endless misery.  Sit and breathe the truth for a while. Feel how clear and bracing it is.

    #2 Tell your loved ones as much truth as you can.

    A 2012 study found that when subjects told just three fewer white lies per week, they reported noticeable relief from tension and melancholy and fewer physical ailments like sore throats and headaches.  Maybe that's because lying, even to please someone means giving up the chance to be genuinely known, understood, and loved as we are. Conversely, if someone's lying to us, then no matter how much we adore him or her, we're loving a fiction.  Without honesty, people feel emptiness and disconnection.  People grow apart when they don't share what's happening to them as they grow."

    #3 Tell acquaintances enough truth to maintain optimal connection.

    "Remember intimacy increases with honesty. Share less to keep people away and more to draw them closer."

    #5 If you're desperate to kill a relationship lie.

    "Only in relationships that are already weird and awful is lying an ideal communication technique."

    "If you think lying will "protect" a person or relationship you value, go back to rule 1. Your heart will tell you that no matter how protective lying may feel, it always poisons connection."  

    Martha Beck

    Great article and very appropriate timing…

    If all you take away from her article are these two things; the truth connects and breeds intimacy, while lying is poisonous to connection…it will help you in your life knowing when to lie and when to tell the truth.  It all depends upon the relationship you want.

    The less you want to connect with someone, the less honest you have to be.

    How I see dysfunctional families, which are built upon lies and NOT telling the truth, is that there is no deep connection there or intimacy between each other. Rather the lies or silence are actually the poison that creates dysfunction.

    Telling the truth to yourself is rule one.

    And, if you have a fear of 'wrecking' a relationship with your parents by telling the truth, you are actually retreating from a deeper connection, NOT perserving one.

    The exact opposite is happening…while you lie for love.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Is Not Love.

    Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction… and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action…of self awareness…self responsibility and self love. 

    Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

    So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

    What I would say to you all "kind" folks…does it work?

    If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

    If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

    How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

    Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

    And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

    They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

    This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

    Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

    When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

    In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

    And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth….than kindness is to lie.

    To pretend is kind.

    To deny is kind.

    Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

    Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

    In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

    Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

    And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks…they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

    Out of kindness you all look away.

    Love to me is truth.

    Love without truth is not love.

     

     

     

     

  • Fell In Love.

                 "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families"

    "Finding Wholeness through Separation: The Paradox of Independence. The Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee January 19 1986"

    "Separating"

    As we struggle to form an identity separate from our "parent" programs, we are also becoming aware of the need to separate emotionally from our alcoholic homes.  Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children.

    "To Be or Not to Be?"

    "The paradox of independence is that only in separation do we find the courage and strength to live in a world as complete human beings, capable of giving and receiving love, of creating out of a sense of wholeness.  In normal separation, children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent and loving parents, and then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe and loved. As children of alcoholics, we internalize parents who are filled with rage and self-hate and who have projected these feelings onto us. We carry this negative view of ourselves, feeling insecure and frightened of our own self-rejection and of being rejected by others. We remain in the same double-bind we experienced as children, unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

    "Empowered or Powerless?"

    "In a normal home, children also internalize the strength of their parents. They feel securely held by a sense of parental power which gives logic and structure to their lives.  With this foundation and strength, they are able to build a self and create loving intimacy. Children of alcoholics have an overriding feeling of powerlessness for being unable to stop the destructive effects of family alcoholism."   ACA

    And, further on it is written about helplessness and powerlessness.

    "With Step One, the adult child realizes that he or she is now an adult and that the powerlessness mentioned in the Step One does not engender a denial of feelings or mean that we are helpless. Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we are not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults. It means that as adults we are not responsible for going back and "fixing" the family unit.  We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin with the gradual process of learning about boundaries. We live and let live."  ACA

    It was interesting for me to read "Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children."

    They are speaking of emotional separation from our dysfunctional families.  And, I know this goes against the grain of society and of what we were taught.  

    It seems too strong of a response for most cases and often, I do hear how they can understand why I had to cut the ties, but in the next breath why they would have a hard time doing the same.

    I feel the biggest hurdle adult children have in recovery and healing IS this separation.

    What it is so hard is the double bind of "unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

    It is so remarkable and incredulous as I witness the track I find so many adult children of dysfunction standing stuck upon; unable to separate.  Like they are wearing boots of concrete, cemented in the ground.

    This is the one most pivotal movement that is needed for the cycle of abuse to end.

    There appears to be a force field that is not approachable…where the adult child can't even entertain the thoughts or consider a life beyond…family.

    The force field of being bound into a dysfunctional family is incredibly hard to break.  It's field appears to be laced with love, kindness and all manner of 'goodness'.

    I am not sure I can accurately articulate the views from either side of this force field.

    As a person standing inside the force field, I appear strong and courageous for sharing my story so truthfully.  However, if you were to ask them to do the same, you would get how they are not willing to bring shame upon their family…how they want to be kind and loving.

    What I can't get them to see is themselves seeing me differently than they see themselves or perhaps not be able to see Me in themselves.

    That they are not willing to either see their families reflected in mine, or see how they too would grow beyond the limits of their families dysfunction IF they were willing to separate.

    How can they bring shame upon their family IF I did not bring shame upon mine?

    You can't have two versions of one truth.

    It is so simple and yet so complex and extremely hard to manage…to walk away from abuse. 

    The toughest part of being abused within a family IS that we believe that love is twisted in with the abuse.  And we won't disengage due to not wanting to leave that love behind.

    It is my deepest knowing.  Love and abuse can't live in one relationship…

    You can't have both.

    You only get to pick one.

    When I went over the wall and left my family.  I did not leave love behind.

    I was going towards love, not away from it.

    I was now free to express who I was, to know intimate closeness,to express all manner of emotions and to have feelings love and  joy, and peace.  I went over the wall as a wounded child and fell in love.  

     

     

     

     

  • Mitten Tree Ladies on Film!

    David Cowardin and Lola Visuals released another segment of my filming…that we had done for "Call Me Mental"…me explaining my lady and how she sees her family in mismatched mittens; where she doesn't belong on a family tree, but on a tree of orphans.

    I love how she has risen to her new status…

     

     

     

  • The Evidence Lives On!

    More from "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families".

    "The internalization of our parents behavior is further brought about by abuse, neglect, or other unhealthy behavior.  We believe that hitting, threats, projection, belittlement, and indifference are the delivery mechanisms that deeply insert the disease of family dysfunction within us.  We are infected in body, mind and spirit. Parental abuse and neglect plant the seeds of dysfunction that grow out of control until we get help."

    "There are different definitions of abuse and neglect or other unhealthy behaviors. Our definition is based on adult children facing their abuse and neglect from childhood. For our purposes abuse can be verbal, nonverbal, emotion, physical, religious and sexual."

    "Abuse can be a single traumatic event or it can be cumulative events over time.  Some of the signs of abuse and neglect are addiction, codependence, workaholism, and phobias. Because our parents could be worriers or doubters, we can worry obsessively about events that never occurr. Regular worry or anxiety is a sure sign of an internalized parent."

    "Abuse creates the same feeling of inferiority and constant fear whether it is physical or verbal-emotional abuse. The person who is physically abused and the person who is emotionally abused end up with the same fears, denial, and lost hope. Physical and emotional abue can both produce post-traumatic stress disorder or stored fear. They create the same wound whether hitting is present or not."

    Further on in the chapter….

    "But still, a skeptic of the effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "These categories of abuse described by ACA are so general that anyone can qualify as being abused or neglected. It seems like youa re saying that anyone who was ever disciplined or corrected by a parent can turn into an addict or another addictive type.  No parent is perfect.  You cannot expect a person to escape childhood without some moments of doubt or fear that are brought by a caring parent who is only human."

    "To this we say, a caring parent always raises a caring child and adult. A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult. There is no grey area here in our experience.  Our categories of verbal and emotional abuse are not so broad if we concentrate on the type of abuse and the specific effects on the child. In ACA, we are talking about abuse and neglect that involves, belittling, threatening, shaming, hateful and indifferent behavior by parents on a regular basis. This behavior produces a felt sense of shame and fear in the child. This type of parenting creates observable behavior that is self-harming and neglectful when the child grows into an adult. These behaviors are codependence, emotional eating, drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, debtors addiction, and gambling addiction. These tend to be the most identifiable behaviors and ususally serve as a layer upon other self-harming behaviors. The ACA description of verbal and emotional abuse is based on specific parental behavior with observable results in the adult."

    "Another skeptic of effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "Yes. My parents could be harsh, but they meant well. They did not mean what they said. I know they loved me and cared about me." In our experience, this kind of selective recall is a form of denial. To think that our parents could shame us or belittle us for being a vulnerable child is too much for us to accept. Like most children, we wanted to believe that our parents cared about us no matter what they said to us. As adults, we search for any kindness our parents might have shown and ignore clear examples of damaging behavior. Societal pressures help us select memories that are more presentable. We can fear being labeled as ungrateful or as a grudge holder if we stop to question what happened in the home. So we "Forgive and Forget," yet, the ingested harms of childhood work behind the scene to sabotage our relationships and careers. Whether we admit it or not the evidence of the childhood verbal abuse is there in our addiction, codependence, or some other method of neglecting ourselves. There can also be chronic depression and extreme anxiety. Some of us can have panic attacks accompany these behaviors."

    "We cannot have it both ways. We cannot say that our childhood was perfect, loving and uneventful and then act out with addiction or other compulsions. People who truly care about themselves will tell you that they learned to do so in childhood. The thought of harming themselves or staying in a controlling relationship does not appeal to them. They do not live as enablers or as people unsure of their purpose in life. If people could learn to believe in themselves as children, then why is it so hard for us to accept that we learned to disbelieve in ourselves as children? This is near the core of our woundedness. We do not believe in ourselves."

    "People who truly care for themselves cannot always point to a childhood event that let them know that they were valued by their parents. But their actions show they care about themselves. Conversely, we cannot always point to an incident in our childhood in which we decided we were inferior or defective based on parental messages. Yet, our actions show that we really do not care about ourselves. Despite what we say, we believe that we are incomplete. We compare ourselves to others and usually come up short. There is a hole inside of us that can never be filled with enough food, drugs, sex, work, spending, or gambling. We become more aware of this hole with each failed relationship or job."

    "If some of us still doubt a connection between childhood events and adult behavior, then why do we identify with a majority of The Laundry List traits? Why do we fear authority figures and remain in unloving relationshps when others would leave? Why do we judge ourselves harshly? Why the difficulty identifying feelings or separating our emotions from those of another? Why can't we muster the resolve needed to lay down drugs or other problematic behaviors without switching to another destructive behavior?"

    "If we have related to this chapter so far, we are left with a decision to consider. We either believe that the way we were raised has a direct link to our compulsions and codependence as adults, or we do not believe it. Through denial, we can ignore evidence and continue to blame others for our decisions and confusion. Yet, if we believe there is a connection, we can choose ACA and pick up tools of recovery. We can begin the journey toward clarity and being truly responsible for our own lives. If we choose recovery, we need help finding out what happened to us so we can change our thinking and behavior. To make progress, we must want the ACA way of life. No one can force us to accept ACA. We have to want it for it to work. ACA is for people who can make the connection between childhood neglect and an adult life of fear and loneliness. ACA works best for people who can name what happened to them and become willing to ask for help."  ACA

    How interesting this all is.  From where I am sitting, it is quite remarkable that you would have the traits in adulthood that point to its infection in childhood and still be hell bent in denying it….due to NOT wanting to see your parents hand in your disconnection from loving yourself.

    Their lack of love towards you becomes a self dialogue we use.

    What a great addition to the usual dialogue in the support groups to see the connection….between who they are as adults to look backwards to see where it all began.

    What I love "A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult."

    No matter what you remember or what you forgive and then forget, or if you are moving on with positive thoughts….the evidence is showing up in your life.  Believe me or disbelieve me, it matters not.  I cannot create or un-create the lives; the evidence lives on.

     

     

     

     

  • How Many Children Will it Take?

    More from the book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families".

    "Denial is the glue that holds together a dysfunctional home.  Family secrets, ignored feelings, and predictable chaos are part of a dysfunctional family system. The system allows abuse or other unhealthy behaviors to be tolerated at harmful levels. Through repetition, the abuse is considered normal by those in the family.  Because the dysfunction seemed normal or tolerable, the adult child can deny that anything unpleasant happened in childhood. At the same time, there are many adult children who can recount the horrors of their dysfunctional upbringing in great detail. Yet, many do so without feeling or without connecting the deep sense of loss that each event brought. This is a denial of feelings identified in Trait 10 of The Laundry List (Problem)."

    "These forms of denial allow the adult child to sanitize the family story when talking about the growing up years. Denial can also lead us to believe that we have escaped our family dysfunction when we carried it into adulthood. Step One of the Twelve Steps states taht we are "powerless over the effects" of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The Step calls us to admit that our behavior today is grounded in the events that occurred in childhood. Much of that behavior mirrors the actions and thoughts of the dysfunctional parents, grandparents, or caregivers. Once we come out of denial, we realize we have internalized our parents' behavior. We have internalized their perfectionism, control, dishonesty, self-righteousness, rage, pessimism, and judgmentalness. Whatever the pattern might be, we realize we have internalized our parents.  Their behavior and thinking are our behavior and thinking if we are honest about our lives."

    "It is important to note that we have taken in or internalized both parents. This includes the parent who appears more functional compared to the alcoholic or chemically addicted parent. Our experience shows that the "functional" or nonalcoholic parent passes on just as many traits as the identified alcoholic. This "para-alcoholic" parent also passes on his or her pattern of inside "drugging" as well.  The para-alcoholic (the codependent) is driven by fear, excitement, and pain from the inside. The biochemical surge and cascade of inner "drugs" that accompany these states of distress in this parent can impact children as profoundly as outside substances. Our experience shows that the nondrinking parent's reaction to these inside drugs affects children just as the alcoholic's drinking affects them. We realize this seems technical, but it is important to understand if we are to comprehend the reach of a dysfunctional upbringing. As children, we are affected by the alcoholic drinking from without and by the para-alcoholic drugs from within. We believe that the long-term effects of fear transferred to us by a nonalcoholic parent can match the damaging effects of alcohol. this is why many of us can temporarily abstain from other addictive behaviors after growing up, but be driven by the inner drugs that can bring difficulties as we attempt to recover. Our para-alcoholism of fear and distorted thinking seems to drive our switching from one addictive behavior to another as we try to make changes in our lives."

    "Another way to think about how we acquired para-alcoholism as children is like this. The alcoholic can be removed from the family by divorce or separation, but nothing in the home really changes. The alcohol abuse or other dysfunction is gone, but the home remains fearful and controlling. Boundaries are unclear. The children don't talk about feelings. They either become enmeshed with the non-drinking parent or alienated from him or her.The rules of "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" apply even with the alcohol or other dysfunction removed. The inside drugs of the para-alcoholic are at work, affecting the children. The nondrinking parent's fear, excitement, and pain are affecting the children and are transferred to the children. This is the internalizaton of the parent's feelings and behavior in one of its purest forms."

    "Many adult children express anger at the nonalcoholic parent for not protecting them or not removing them from the dysfunctional situation. We felt abandoned watching this parent remain absorbed by the alcoholic's behavior. Ironically, many of us hold more resentment toward the nondrinking parent than the alcoholic parent."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim and self-hate. We learn rage, pettiness, and passive-aggressive thinking. From this parent, we learn to doubt our reality as children. Many times we have gone to our nonalcoholic parent and expressed our feelings of fear or shame. Many times this parent has dismissed our feelings. We have been called selfish or too sensitive when objecting to our drinking parent's behavior. In some cases, this parent defended or excused the alcoholics behavior."

    "The damage that some nonalcoholic parents can do through inaction or by failing to remove the children from the dysfunctional home boggles the mind. Some of these parents have ignored sexual abuse within their homes. In some cases, a child has been accused of being dishonest when the child tried to tell the nondrinking parent about the sexual abuse he or she was facing. This is difficult to think about or to accept, but for many of us it is true."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent, we learned to accept abusive or neglectful behavior as a natural part of life. For example, during an argument, some of us left or fled the home with the nonalcoholic parent only to return in a few days as if nothing had happened. From this behavior, we got the message that it was normal to push aside our fear and return to our abusive or shaming parent. As a result, we can have great difficulty  walking away from un-fulfilling relationships as adults. We know in our minds that we should leave, but it "feels" normal to stay. These are just a few examples of being infected by the disease of family dysfunction."

    "In the interest of fairness, we must realize that our parents passed on what was done to them. They are adult children as well. We are not blaming them for being powerless over the effects of family dysfunction. In most cases, the treatment that they handed out is the treatment they received growing up. Our parents internalized their parents. This has to be true if we are to believe that family dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next."  Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Familes.

    Each time I read the word "alcoholic" I could exchange this for Sexual Abuser  and the para-alcoholic can be exchanged for para-sexual abuser.

    This book is incredibly affirming to what I have experienced in myself.

    I had to see where the pattern started, see it in me and then change it…by doing life different.

    What I love is that it shows the change, the cycle…and that the glue that keeps the cycle going IS denial.

    You can't just blame the abuser/alcoholic, you have to bring in the non-abusing parent and see the added dimensions of effects that you have internalized…to see the complete composite of who you are.

    It is wildly fascinating and extremely frustrating to show this pattern to my family and for them to deny it…

    They deny it for that is what dysfunctional families do. They are only following the pattern of their parents…

    It goes on to say.

    "A few of our parents have been lost to alcoholic insanity or dementia. They have been depraved and pitiful or unapproachable and scary. The alcoholic is powerless over alcohol and has an obsession of the mind to drink or take drugs. The para-alcoholic suffers from a similar condition, yet it is difficult to see since it is on the inside. In essence the alcoholic and the para-alcololic are the same personality driven by near identical fear, but one drinks and one does not."

    "This is where we got confused as children. We thought we were the drinker's problem or some part of it. From the alcoholic behavior, we assumed that we were no good, unseen, hated, ignored, used or attacked by the alcoholic because there was something wrong with us. From the para-alcoholic's behavior we assumed we were less important than the drinking. We deduced that we were the problem when in reality the disease of alcoholism was the problem. We take this mistaken belief into adulthood. We can continue to act out our childhood role with our alcoholic parent or someone else. Some of us can remain stuck and feel responsible for our parents on some level. We can act out our role with the nonalcoholic parent as well. If there was dysfunction in the home without alcoholism, we can have the same misperception. We can act out a dysfunctional role with our parents or another person."

    "Many of us are adults who have not admitted that our parents are alcoholic or that there was dysfunction in the home. Until we do so, we can still feel trapped by our family. We can remain confused about the extent to which we interalized our parents' behavior. We still get pulled into family crisis or arguments that lead nowhere. We accept family abuse and neglect, believing we have no choice." Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Families.

    While many would like to believe that I have lost my mind and I am damaging the family, they fail to see the pattern they are caught in.

    What a tight web this dysfunction weaves and how incredible the force that holds them together.  It isn't love, it's fear…the inner drug of choice…or the outer drug of abuse.

    This is the blueprint or the written pattern of how dysfunction looks and works…how it literally infects one generation to the next.

    How its strength is the fact that each generation is operating dysfunctionally and calling it normal.  How they are unable to see that denial is what is holding them together NOT love.

    How maddening it is to watch dysfunctional behavior infecting the innocent children…the seeminly unstoppable spreading or stealing of love, peace and joy from the lives of little ones….as they too experience neglect, abandoment…and feelings of no mattering enough.

    What will it take to wake them up?  What crisis will snap them out of denial? How many children will it take?

     

  • “Laying it Down”

    While filming for "Call Me Mental" David and I went through each of My Story Line quilts that are hanging at Copper Country Mental Health.  

    He listened and recorded what each meant to me. I loved this part, for it is like looking at my wounded self and watching her grow.   

    I was very touched that he took the time to edit and will show case each quilt… Me and My Lady….My Story Line; quilt One.

     

    It is the prelude to the Lady; the thought and idea of what it means to be without an ego or labels…etc.  Little did I know, that it would not appear so nicely as a teeter-tooter…but more like an implosion.

    Thanks David Cowardin and Lola Visuals…What a great keepsake for me.

  • The Laundry List

    Below is The Laundry List from the book, commonly known as the Big Red Book…Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families.
     
    If you see yourself on the list….you may want to consider this something helpful to read!
     
    1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
    2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
    3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
    4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
    5. We live our life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
    6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
    7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
    8. We became addicted to excitement.
    9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
    10. We have "stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much. (Denial.)
    11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low self-esteem.
    12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience the painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
    13. Alcoholism is a family disease; we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.