I M Perfect lady

Category: Another’s view

  • Had I not created my whole world, I certainly would have died in other people's. Anais Nin

    I watched a video of a wedding, where the generations of old placed their hands upon the newly married to show the passing of Love.  

    The first thought was, how awesome is that.

    The second was the realization that even if no hands are laid upon us; the imprint and pattern of our parent's relationships are handed down.  Or perhaps we pick them up.

    Their lives are replicated unless we actively work to do things differently.

    What we do in our individual lives, affect the generation below us.

    Certainly we can change the pattern, but it will require a ton of work.

    My experience, is that in order to change the pattern of my mother, I had to walk away from her world.

    She and I are doing life completely differently, in the things that really matter.

    The love that is passed down is actually authenticity and truth of who we are beneath the roles we play.  It isn't about the marriage; but the people individually within the marriage.

    When I was breaking down my denial, my husband and I didn't know where our marriage would be in the end.  I took our marriage and laid it on the living room floor.  I told him, to let the marriage be and let us each work on our own self.  

    The person I was in denial and its blindness, was not going to be the person I would become.  Our interactions with each other would now demand a deeper truth.

    I would be required to be completely honest.  Always.

    More, I would only accept originality.  False or pretending wasn't allowed.

    Our old marriage, had me being less than honest.  

    Often my lies were lies of how I truly felt. 

    My yes could really be a No.  

    My truth was too terrifying to be included.

    It had the power to leave me alone.

    I can barely recall my old self and the one who went along to get along. Who silenced her true voice in order to 'feel safe'.  

    Imagine, being untruthful was more safe than being truthful.

    It is what my elders shown me.

    Truth was not to be present in order to have peace and love.

    Is there any love where truth is not welcome?

    More importantly, what is a marriage if a person cannot be truthful?

    The marriage is only as strong as the least truthful person.

    It doesn't matter if one is pure truth and the other is not. The lie is what defines that relationship.  

    What defines a great marriage is how much space is there to be completely yourself?  How safe is the environment for you to be you?  

    My old self didn't have a clearly defined self.  I morphed into whatever the other person needed; blurring who I was.  I didn't know me.  But, I knew what the other person needed me to be.

    I then became a more rigid structured solid defined person. 

    Of course there were repercussions.

    The old me went along and pleased others. My life was fitting into their lives without a ripple.

    The new me wasn't so easily managed.

    She bulked at things now.

    She had boundaries and limits and ideas and feelings and was very eager to express them.

    It was to be born again into Me.

    To have Me in a marriage, instead of the pleasing person was completely terrifying.

    It left the marriage alive and fluid and in the present.

    Like life.

    You never know what I will do.

    Say.

    Be.

    Nothing of the past truly followed me.

    For, I wasn't there in my past.

    The past was for everyone else's world.  Not mine.

    Now, my yes is a yes.  And, my no is a no.

    I still am learning about me.

    Who I am becoming.

    My hands upon my child will be hands of truth in knowing who you are…and being brave enough to always be that.

    You be you.

    Imperfectly.

    May the road to being you be colorful, delightful, and empowered.  My hands hold the courage to always be you.

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  • More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant


    "To Trust or Not To Trust"

    "It is impossible for people who are untrustworthy to become trustworthy simply because you want them to be that way. Trust is a matter of character. Some folks are untrustworthy because of the belief patterns that are tied to their past experiences. They may have  learned or come to believe that trustworthiness is not important. Others are untrustworthy as a matter of conscious or unconscious choice.  People show you who they are in what they do. This is not to say that people cannot change. They can.  Nevertheless, you must trust what you see people do and build your self-trust muscles until you have the capacity to say no to their inappropriate or unacceptable behavior the first time you encounter it."

    "While it is possible to love untrustworthy people, continuing to place your trust in them is not wise. Trust grows from and deepens with intimacy. Trusting others requires that you first and foremost learn to be intimate with yourself. The more intimate you are with yourself, the more truth you can tell yourself about yourself. The more time you spend in contemplation of what makes you tick, the more you know who you are, and the more you will learn about whom you can trust. When you are not intimate with yourself, your attempts to trust others will always fall short because you will overlook the key elements and important signs revealed in their behavior."

    "Self-intimacy fosters understanding. An understanding of yourself supports you in learning to see and understand other people. Understanding people is essential to your ability to trust them. This level of understanding is the result of the many small interactions and connections that occur over time. In the process, you learn to trust people's way of being: how they show up in the room, in the community, and in the world."

    "Self-Protection"

    "There is always an element of risk involved with trust, so you must be willing to risk being wrong about what you feel and sense. That means you must take precautions.  If protecting yourself by trusting what you know means hurting other people's feelings – so bit it. They can and will recover. However, when you trust yourself, your first thoughts will not be about anyone else, they will be about you and what feels right for you."

    "Remember, when you do not trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. Instead you will ignore your inner voice and intuitive inklings and tell yourself that what you feel is wrong. Why? Because your suspicions will not hold the other person in a good light. When you cannot face the truth, you'll find excuses for demonstrated bad behavior that provides a clear indication that the person cannot be trusted."

    "Often you will ignore the warning signs because they are simply too stressful or too difficult to acknowledge. Or the circumstances go against what you want to believe, and accepting the truth would create a domino effect in your life. So you dismiss or deny the very clear intuitive and explicit messages you receive by expecting people to live up to a level or capacity of trustworthiness that they simply cannot or choose not to honor."

    "Whey you do not trust yourself, what you feel and what you know, you will expect people to be who they are not. You will hope against hope that they will do things you already know they cannot do. You will expect them to be who you want them to be rather than trusting what you know about who they are and what they are capable of doing. This is not trust. This is magical thinking, and engaging in it will set you up for a big letdown. Trusting yourself is important when dealing with others because it protects you from repeated violations and devastating heartbreaks."

    "When you trust yourself, you are able to read situations and environments, and people in the way that supports your personal boundaries and keeps you safe. Self-trust also equips you to communicate to others clearly regarding what is and what is not acceptable. You know what feels right and what does not, and you do not question what you feel in response to what others may do or say."

    "Never measure your inner clarity in response to what someone else may say or do.  When you trust yourself, people cannot talk you out of what you know from within. In fact, tell others what you know as a demonstration that they cannot and will not put one over on you.  You then have the ability and willingness to alter your behavior in a way that protects you and promotes an environment in which you feel safe, and environment you can trust."

    "When you trust yourself, you know that it's okay to see people as they are without feeling bad when what you know does not put them in a good light. When you know certain people have a propensity for dishonesty, there is no need to feel bad about it. Trust yourself enough to take precautions about how you participate in their stories and activities and adjust what you expect from your interactions with them accordingly. When you trust yourself, you don't feel bad about knowing the truth about yourself or anyone else."

    "As human beings we want to think the best about everyone. But the truth is, not everyone can be trusted. Some people are at a place in their own growth and learning where they do not honor themselves enough for you to trust them. It is also true that some people, at their current level of development, do not deserve to be trusted.  Yes, people can change. Yes, people deserve a second chance.  Yes, there will be those instances when you'll think everything seems fine, only to discover later that it was not. When you trust yourself, you will take clear, definitive action the moment you feel an inkling or see a sign that something is off.  In learning to trust others, you must learn how to distinguish between your current inner knowing and your judgement about people's past or past behaviors."

    "Trusting others requires a level of intimacy, a depth of understanding, and clear evidence that the people being trusted have the capacity to honor and live up to your expectations."

    "Performance Data"

    "Trusting others is both a logical and an emotional experience that requires that your head and heart come into an agreement. Logically, you learn whether or not you can trust people by calculating the risk involved.  You may have faith in human nature and potential; however, you must also trust what you know based on what you have seen and experienced. In business this is called performance data."

    "Trusting others requires that you gather and access the data being provided through communication and behavior before you invest your trust. This logical assessment has nothing to do with expecting people to "earn your trust,"  To do that is to ask others essentially to guarantee to you that they will not make any mistakes as they learn to live up to your expectations. That is not going to happen! People will make mistakes, and in doing so, they may hurt your feelings or sensibilities. This does not mean they cannot be trusted."

    "The logical assessment that is required in learning to trust others means that you must determine, through intimate contact and communication whether or not who they are and what they do, keeps you safe. And whether or not the way they are being with you feels honorable and honest. When people never show up when they say they will, or when they always have an excuse or reason for not doing what they say they will, you can draw the logical conclusion that they probably cannot be trusted with more important things, like your heart."  Iyanla

     

    I believe without self-trust you cannot get a true read on the outside world; you will do what she calls "magical thinking".  You will live in the land of make-believe, hoping against hope that things will not turn out as they truly ARE; but as you want them to be.

    What I know to be true – for me – is that I lived for 46 years in the land of magical thinking and ignored how my body felt.  IT did not change reality, it only allowed me to deny reality.

    I also love, that I don't have to feel bad for knowing and seeing other people's truth. It is not my view of them that decides who they are; it is their behavior.  I know this seems elementary; but when you are raised in dysfunction we are taught to believe it is our job to make others shine.

    This codependent living creates zero self-trust; for we are going against our feelings in order to make others look good.  And, it leaves no choice. We have to engage and trust in those who fail us time and time again.

    I love my new self-trust.  

    I love how it feels and how in sync with reality I am.

    I don't feel sad or feel the urge to apologize for someone else's poor behavior.

    OR when my sharp stare sees who they really are.

    We had a phrase in my childhood "Believe A Head".  Where we were gullible and I am sure lived in magical thinking.  I no longer live there.

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    I think a real Badass is someone who trusts themselves completely!

     

     

  • Responses Matter to All

    Social Media is a buzz about Brock Turner; the Stanford Rapist and his lenient sentence AND his father's response.

    We all are responding.

    Some are sharing.

    Some are silent.

    Outraged.

    Sickened.

    What is not so shocking to me IS the family response.

    This IS very very typical. 

    Not unusual in the least.

    It is also NOT surprising that the judge looked more closely at how the sentencing will affect the perpetrator compared to the victim.

    In my father's case, he had many more victims and was still released with serving only a few short weeks. The family was part of the sentencing.  The family was willing to house him.  The family was more concerned about him than any of his victims. Their response mattered.  It showed their values and morals.

    What is unusual is another father's response to Brock's father.

    Fathers should be outraged.

    How we respond IS how our children understand where our morals and values lie.

    It is their guideline for moral behavior.

    What does this say about a father who shrugs rape down to 20 minutes of action?

    The strong males in our society should be outraged at this example of fathering.

    They should be speaking out!

    How we teach our children IS our response to bad behavior.

    In my experience, those who sided up to my father or made his crime less than what it was, lost huge moral ground in my eyes. I no longer could trust their moral compass.

    It matters how we respond.

    Know this and own it.

    It doesn't matter who the victim and/or perpetrator is, HOW we respond shows the world who we are.

    And, at the end of the day, our responses are who we are; always.

    I have continued to stand by the side of victims.

    My responses are clear; my actions readable.

    There is no part of me trying to make what my father did okay. All my words, writings, speaking out, speaking up and sharing publicly my sexual abuse by my father IS my response to abuse.

    If each of us were impeccable with our responses our world would change!

    The rapist's father responded like typical family members. They want their old image of the person to remain. The future to be unchanged.  They want nothing to come in the way of their family member. They do not want this one act (or a few) or many to stand in the way of their reputation. God, I wish this was unusual.  Family denial IS the reason sexual abuse is a generational legacy.

    What is unusual is to be willing to stand alone outside of your family.

    It is unusual to not stand by them.

    It is unusual to draw a line in cement and let the chips fall where they may.

    To be willing to support the victim and let the family celebrations die.

    Oh how I wish my response was the majority. 

    Victimizing women and children would start its decline IF we could all take a hard stand no matter who the perpetrator is.  

    Imagine the life of a victim then.

    To be fully supported.

    To have the family turn towards you and away from him!

    Please, don't think that Brock's father is unusual.

    He is only doing what the majority of families do.

    What you do with abusers you know or those who are in your family matter.

    Each time you decline to hold the perpetrator responsible; you turn away from the victims.

    I know it is hard.

    Believe me, I have lived it.

    But harder still is to watch good people do nothing. Good people make poor choices in order to do the easy thing.  To not take action is to actually take action for the abuser.

    The man who I applaud is the father who wrote to Brock's father.

    I would share his words; but I can't get to the website.

    Hopefully its crashed due to high volume.

    We need men to stand and say it is not okay to make light of abuse ever.  

    We need victims to stand in their innocence! 

    We need everyone to be outraged by slight sentences and belittle crimes of abuse.

    Responses matters to all.

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  • I am listening to "A Mother's Reckoning – Living In the Aftermath of Tragedy" by Sue Klebold.  The foreword is by Andrew Solomon.

    It is not the book I thought it would be.  It is a book of acceptance and one that challenges us all to consider just how much we know each other.  How much do we hide from others and why even?

    We only think we know someone; but most of us hide our deepest feelings and even experiences that are shameful.  We typically only present the life we think others think we live.

    She is a very brave writer.

    And, an even braver mother.

    She is willing to face more hatred and ridicule for doing what she calls her "moral duty" to share her failings to help another mother and child.

    Many would rather believe that her son came from a terrible home in order to do such horrific things. But, what if he came from a loving home?  This makes any one of us susceptible to this tragedy.

    What happens if there were small signs that his parents didn't see.

    What if a child is capable of hiding a whole other life?

    What if anyone is equally able to only show you what you want to see and not what is truly going on?

    How would we all feel if we were unable to discern the mental breakdown in someone?

    Is it possible that someone can cover up their tracks of deep depression and we not know it?

    Just as it is possible that a huge number of people cover up their abuse and their wounds; can we really really know someone?

    Can we know what pain lies beneath the pretend life of normal?

    What this book is mostly showing me is just how much the folks with mental illnesses, depression, abuse, bullying etc can hide.  And, even more, how those of us who should see don't.

    Who can look back with 20/20 vision and see what wasn't clear back then.

    Even as she struggled with the reality of what her son did, her mind didn't allow it all in.

    How much of our minds are really seeing what is and how much of our minds protect us from what we don't want to know, or are too afraid to know?

    What I failed to appreciate was the great actors and actresses the wounded are.  And, how inept we are at spotting changes, subtle changes that arise after abuse or bullying.

    This is so multilayered, it fascinates me.

    Just as in the abusive homes, there is someone hiding their real darkness and others not wanting to see the signs.

    Who is more the actor?

    What I know, is that showing your true colors and being real isn't the norm.

    The norm is hiding your truths behind a pretend life.

    It isn't any wonder that many can literally hide whole lives in plain view.

    We all do.

    It is just that some are volcanos waiting to explode.

    I ordered the book, because there were so many things I would have loved to highlight while listening to her.  Small phrases that capture the insanity of tragedy and its aftermath, the levels of suffering and how others treat you.  And, how grief is compounded when it is a shameful event.  

    The proper protocol is set aside and you are left trying to find a way forward.

    I love how she is willing to bare it all in order to help us all be spared her pain.  And, even more important, for us to sit with the fact, that it just as easily could be me.

    We all are creatures who tend to hide what hurts and to not see the small nuances of change…for we what we want most is for life to remain unchanged.

    We don't want to know know that our children are in pain, or are suffering.  In a letter that she received another child wrote about protecting her parents. For her parents thought only good things about her.  She didn't want to disappoint them or bring shame into their nice world.

    We are all guilty of this. Of setting the bar too high, that real life can't slip under.

    That we are too afraid to share our darkness to ruin a good relationship.

    I believe everyone should read this book, especially parents.

    Just to remind us just how much we don't know about others.  

    I believe that the more we share, the more real we are, the less we hide ourselves, the more we give permission for others to do the same.  Most don't even know that they hide themselves, that they are keeping a separate self.  But, if you are not open, you are.

    In my experience, many live two lives.

    It is my goal after living in denial to only live one life.

    One that all can see.

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  • A Simple Life

    "Acceptance has everything to do with simplicity, with sitting in the ordinary place, with bearing witness to the plain facts of our lives, with not just starting at the essentials, but ending up there. Acceptance speaks in the gentlest voice.  It commands only that we acknowledge what's true."  Cheryl Strayed – From her book "Brave Enough"

     

    Acceptance seems like a weak word, a plain no frills kinda experience; to just be here now and bear witness to what is.

    Yet, it is extremely hard to literally do just that.  

    To accept without adding anything.

    Or, even more importantly, taking anything away.

    Acceptance and truth are partners.

    Without fully accepting what is, you are left believing lies by the virtue of non-acceptance.

    What has been the most remarkable part of my healing journey is the non-acceptance of plain facts.  The way the mind can literally neglect huge portions of life and call it good.

    I am not so sure you can see your own truth without accepting the facts in their full content.  Nor, do I believe, you can see another's truths; when you have discounted yours.

    Acceptance often is a horror show at first glance. You will have to see that which you have chosen not to accept in order to survive. Denial has to be non-acceptance.

    Acceptance is the act of consenting.

    Perhaps with abuse; when we don't consent, it leaves us naturally in unaccepting.

    What has been my greatest supper power is to accept what is; always.

    No matter what.

    No matter who.

    I accept the plain facts.

    It was tough getting used to living this way.  But, once you realize the fruitlessness of living "not accepting the plain facts" you will demand acceptance of your self.

    Full acceptance quiets the mind.

    Leaving you with vast silence and space to appreciate this now moment in time and all it brings into your awareness.

    I also believe that acceptance and awareness arrive at the same time.

    Or awareness comes in a millisecond ahead.

    I looked up "awareness".

    "knowledge or perception of a situation or fact."

    First you have to acknowledge the fact and then fully accept it.

    What turned my life upside down; were the simple acts of awareness and accepting it.

    For, I had been taught in a million little ways to live removed from reality.

    The bubble burst when I was 46.

    I no longer have the ability to pretend.

    I had to look up "pretend" too.

    "speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not:"

    Acceptance truly is living a simple life.

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  • Followed my soul.

    I finished reading "The Fifth Sister: From Victim to Victor – Overcoming Abuse" by Laura Landgraf.  The complexity of incest and its longevity is astounding. To say nothing about the repulsive displays of humanity towards their own, and the powerlessness of the child and its long lasting effects they are left with.

    The author became the black sheep of the family as she worked to keep her children safe as, she herself, set up boundaries. And, she lost the tenuous relationships she had with her sisters; due to their lack of wanting the wrath of her parents.

    What I failed to consider was that.

    How you have to be strong enough to withstand the ugliness that will come your way when you speak up and against family.  It isn't so much about the truth, but the backlash that will surely follow.

    How it is better to keep sweet than to be the focus of attack.

    While it is tough to speak of being abused within a family, it is much hard to be treated openly hostile.

    Rather than willingly bring this upon themselves, family members will keep their mouths shut about the truth and become the voices for their parents.

    In my experience, this is very true.

    It is shocking to actually see this in action.

    Here is what Laura wrote…

    "Katie calls to say "shame on you".  Carly asks me to remove myself from her life.  I am stunned. What am I?  The black sheep for exposing my parents?  Or is she not strong enough to endure the brutal barrage from them to keep her inside their control?"

    "Brandy and Daniel tell me my sisters are playing their roles in the family script and breaking away from such a family system takes a profoundly sturdy person.  They reassure me that I have immense courage. They're proud. I want to believe it all. I vacillate between confidence and terror. The very air feels fraught with pre-storm electrified stillness."  Laura

    It truly does take a person of substance to walk away. And sadly, coming from a family fraught with abuse, it is very unique to find one. For the very nature of incest creates a person with the "self-esteem of flea" as Laura says.

    The very nature of being able to heal yourself Will require you to get beaten up by your family as you leave.  It is the nature of the dysfunctional family system.

    They are only following the family script and trying to keep under the radar and in the good graces.  And, not strong enough to survive being abused as they leave.

    In her book, she writes;

    "I think the fallout of this debacle may ruin us, Laura," Mom says, arms and legs crossed as she leans back in her chair. "We may be willing to fall on this sword, but I wish to god you were mentally ill.  Then you'd have an excuse for being who you are." 

    "I go cold inside.  How can her words still hurt me?  And, yet they do."  Laura

    Thee insanity of blaming the one who is blamed for speaking of their criminal treatment to children and minors is beyond words. 

    Again, I experienced the same treatment, and I am sure my family would love to believe that I too am Mentally Ill.  It would be easier than trying to explain my absence due to the abuse that permeates the family circles.

    She asks questions at the back of her book, I am sure for book clubs.  Here is one.

    "Where are the lines of loyalty supposed to be drawn as a mother, between herself, her children, her spouse, and her community.  Do you think complicity in a spouse's mis-conduct typifies child abuse families?" 

    An interesting line to distinguish, and walk. What is your line?

    Where do your loyalties lie and why?

    It was interesting to read about the ways each family member contributed to the abuse and why, and until.

    A black sheep I am, for I followed my soul.

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    I am sure the questions she asks at the end, could be applied to our family as well.

    Perhaps I will attempt to answer them next time.

     

     

     

  • Honest Me.

    I have been writing on this blog for 7 years. 

    It is hard to believe what has transpired in that time; the changes within me….my feelings and my mind.

    A feeling of panic, and blushing shame that would often accompany some postings…when I dared to express my truth.  Mostly for the repercussions of being different.

    A grown woman, feeling young and vulnerable, as she explored her inner landscape of dysfunction and abuse….as she attempted to find peace, love and joy….and herself.

    The journey of growing up mentally and emotionally while being an adult.

    Sharing the ramifications of following my truth and its consequences on relationships where truth isn't accepted when it comes to exposing abuse.

    It is quite a remarkable experience to wake up and see what you have denied, and then see how differently you are treated by those who want to remain unmoved in your old denial.

    Denial is hard to articulate and comprehend, for it is so obvious to those who have always seen.  Those, who have never had to live outside of their reality. But, it is tragically brilliant to see  the truth for the first time….even though it was always there.

    I never understood, or fully appreciated, the strength of the mind and its thoughts and beliefs, until mine all crashed. That it could literally build a world that didn't exist and I lived there.

    I just downloaded a book, that my brother's blog (http://messyguru.typepad.com) referred to "Room" by Emma Donoghue…where the concept is equal to denial. To be raised to view the world a certain way.  

    When I try and recollect my old mind and the way it saw the world, I can't grasp it; for its basis wasn't anchored in the truth and/or reality in any way.  It was an overlay removed from the harsh realities of abuse.

    What often overwhelms me are the volumes of people who are living there.

    If truth isn't part of your world…you live in denial.

    Denying reality/truth IS denial.

    Often I hear of platitudes and wimpy excuses why the truth is better off un-lived. And, more often when will I reconnect or make peace with my family of origin.

    What most fail to consider is what they truly want is for me to slip back into denial.

    Denying my truth and who I am.

    The line of discontent between my family and I, is that we fail to see the world through the same lens. 

    "We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

    I love this idea…that truth allows us to grow.

    It takes great courage to bring truth into your world; but the rewards are limitless.

    I believe we get left at the age we were when we had to hide the truth.

    If you are abused and can't speak of it, you may grow in body size; but inside we are left emotionally and psychologically a child.

    Which is why it creates great fear to dance with the truth…and leave denial.

    Looking back over the past 11 years, I am in wonder and awe at who I was, as well as, who I am today.

    The two lives could not be more different.

    The two of Me, more distant.

     

    The most I can say about the old me, is that she was all about the outside world.  Her actions were to keep the story going…not even knowing it was just a story…and not the truth.  Her connection to herself was seen and felt from the way others looked at her. Their opinion created who she was.

    The new me, is all about the inside of me.

    My soul.

    Who I am without the world's opinion.

    Who I am to me.

    I will not ever, be untrue to me, for it truly doesn't serve anyone.

    I love who I have grown to be and my becoming continues each time I welcome the truth, no matter what the message it brings.

    Once you have felt the power of truthful living, you cannot settle for artificial.

    I would rather have the honesty of estrangement than a pretend friendship.

    An honest estrangement ,makes an honest Me.

     

    "She realized she was the only self she could be—and not being unapologetically true to herself was a disservice to her soul and the world." Elephant Journal article…"She Was Done"

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  • Without Boundaries

     

    I just watched a short clip of Brene Brown speaking about Boundaries.  

    "Boundaries are saying, "Here is what is okay with me and here is what is not…."

     

    It sounds too simple…but, try setting up a boundary.

    And, do it with family or friends.

    Do it with integrity and honesty.

    About how you feel.

    Boundaries are where you find your value.

    They clearly show what is okay with you and what is not.

    I have a ton of respect for people with boundaries. They are showing me their value…the more boundaries, the greater they value themselves.

    So, it is equally the opposite.

    I don't feel much connection to people without boundaries. 

    The image I have of them bleeds out endlessly and is blurry.  It is to see a person without clear lines of definition. 

    Who I was for the first 46 years of my life was a blurry non-self image.  Not only was I not clearly defined to myself…I was a chameleon; I changed for your approval.

    It was very terrifying to set up boundaries, and extremely liberating, and totally self-loving.

    Boundaries are what defined me.

    Identified me as me.

    Loaded me up with value, integrity and honesty.

    To me, setting up boundaries is the healing modality that is needed to recover from abuse. Being able to use your voice and make a choice to what you will or will not allow.

    It is key to a healthy lifestyle.

    Living without boundaries is terrifying to me now. It feels like I would disappear without them and perhaps I would.

    I love knowing that I can fully articulate what is okay with me and what is not.

    Those who are without boundaries may see me as someone who is cold and distant and very selfish….for I will not lower my standards for anyone to flop over.

    Mine remain high and solid.

    Boundaries are a personal choice.

    Perhaps what defines a dysfunctional home the most IS the lack of boundaries.

    Where there isn't the clear lines of character and intrinsic knowing of what is okay and what is not.  Where children are not taught, or given the right, to have a personal boundary against everyone.

    I am pretty sure that parents who are without boundaries…create homes where anything goes.

    And, can love live in a boundary-less home?

    Who is there to love if there are no boundaries?

    Who is there to stop the bad behavior if there are no boundaries to cross…where all manner of behavior is okay and will be forgiven and forgotten?

    One of my greatest achievements was finding my own boundaries.

    Coloring in new lines and boldly shaping me.

    After 46 years of living blurry and fleeting without borders…it felt exhilarating to see me take shape.

    I think the root of all fear is not knowing who you are, and having no clear boundaries against hurtful people…being a fluid moving blurry picture that anyone can use for their own image.

    Being a clear and concise self…doesn't allow others to paint me different.

    I am who I am…to me and to all equally.

    My boundaries don't change or weaken or lower….it doesn't matter if you are friend or family….my boundaries are about Me.

    Boundaries empower you to be you.

    You lose yourself when you are without boundaries.

     

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     To watch the video - https://www.facebook.com/theworkofthepeople/

     

     

     

     

     

  • I am Becoming.

    "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty….is what I am listening on the route.

    It is a novel about a woman who hit her head and lost 10 years of her life.

    She woke up to being a mom of three and in the midst of divorce. 

    Her younger self didn't know what to make of the life she found herself in.

    Her last memory was being totally in love with her husband and expecting her first baby.

    What have you accomplished in the past 10 years and how would it be to have it all erased from your memory?  What would your ten year younger self think of who you are today?

    This is a remarkable thought, sitting where I am or more, where I came from.

    Would I like to erase the past 10 years?  When the past 12 have been the remaking of me…and, miss all the lessons and growing I have done.

    I would miss all the pain of the growing and, all the brilliant insights and moments of personal successes.

    I would miss the closing of relationships….and the openings of new ones.

    I believe my younger self would be in awe of who I am today.

    To feel the peaceful existence of my life.

    She (Alice) wondered about relationships that had grown cold and distant….and realized the space grew from the lack of mutual truths.

    When one or both pretended a truth didn't exist.

    I understand this.

    I truly believe that relationships are as close as each party is to their own truths.

    When we have to pretend things are not as they are….the gap widens.

    Truth or the inability for truth to live in relationships, is what defines them.

    I love the path that I am on.

    I love the direction I am going.

    I love the relationships I have and welcome new ones along the way.

    I love the energy of my life.

    I love the new additions I am adding.

    I love the falsenesses that I have had to let go of…and my ability to do so.

    I love seeing what I have done in the past 10 years and its affects on my life.

    Who I am today is beyond where I thought I would ever be.

    And, it excites me to see who I will be 10 years from now.

    What I do today will create the woman I am becoming…

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  • On My Way…

    I am reading books about hiking and the latest was "Walking Home" by Sonia Choquette.

    There were a few pages I earmarked….

    "Is there something I am hiding from? Is that why I can't release myself from what I want to be released from?  I know I've hidden my real needs for a long time. Not just from others, but from myself as well. Maybe I want and need a lot of support, and I been in complete denial of this truth all my life. Maybe I want to relax and stop proving to others that I am so spiritual by taking so much responsibility for everything, asking for so little, and then being angry because what I was asking for wasn't really true.  Maybe I am tired of asking so much of myself, and maybe I am angry that others don't feel the need to do this like I do. Maybe I don't know how I feel and I am not as clear about how others feel. Maybe I am completely confused. Maybe if I accept all of this I can release the past more easily."

    What I loved about her inner dialogue is that it was searching for answers….it didn't know and yet it knew.

    How often do we give ourselves permission to ask and answer the hard questions and to walk the new truth?  How well do we truly know ourselves?  

    What I had discovered at 46 was I didn't know me at all.  Perhaps when your whole world falls apart it is the grandest opportunity to discover you.

    Here is another earmarked page.

    "The rhythm of my footsteps took me into a deep state of meditation and for hours my mind became silent as I slipped into a resting place with God."

    Whether you call it God or Universe or Reality….it is a place where there is no contradiction.  No stress or pull or worry.  It is harmony with what is….in the moment where the mind rides along a silent content passenger.

    I found this space and live there much of the time.

    I also think, that the mind and its thought are often trying to get you to see reality by the incorrect picture it paints. Daring you to see beyond the images it tries to lay upon reality.

    Once I fell onto the landscape of reality in its tragically brilliant display….I stayed. 

    The mind would try and remove me; to lure me away to a 'kinder' place. I refused to follow.

    I learned from Byron Katie…to be a lover of reality.

    And, in doing so…found a peaceful mind.

    The space where reality breathes…some would call Grace.

    I didn't walk the 500 miles of the Santiago…I walked into the harsh reality of my life that I had denied for so many years.  

    You can use what you see and make them teachers for you.

    Here is another earmarked page.

    "Stripped down to a more comfortable level, I resumed walking, and I did I began to notice huge black, slimy, gooey, slugs all over the path. I looked ahead. They were everywhere. The Camino was giving me a very important message by placing these in my path today."

    "My mind started saying, Slugs and leeches. Slugs and leeches. The more I saw, the the more I began to reflect on people in my life who had been – and were still – slugs and leeches."

    "These were people who didn't take responsibility for themselves. People who were deadbeats and didn't pay their bills or tell the truth. These were people who promised what they didn't deliver and didn't think they had to. People who were more interested in what they could get from others than what they could offer."

    "I could see how I had entertained so many of these slugs and leeches because I didn't have strong enough personal boundaries to say, "Go away.  I am not interested."

    "I carried these people way too often and way too far. Who knows why really. I just did."

    "As I walked, I knew it was time to stop hosting such people in my life. People who were not really interested in showing up with integrity, for example. Or people who were more committed to drama than creative solutions. Or people who felt sorry for themselves and expected others, like me to rescue them from their own emotional BS. I knew that I had allowed way too many of that kind of person to take my energy and drain my spirit. It was clearly time to let go of the slugs and leeches in my life."

     

    Truly, life is teaching you every moment of every day. Look around and see its lessons.

    I again, didn't travel anywhere and life presented me with exactly the right picture to correct my vision of reality.

    Sonia also discovered this….

    "I was also keenly aware of the difference between my ego and my spirit, and how painful and heavy my ego was to carry. It was dead weight and brought nothing good with it. Nothing.  It only perpetuated stories that isolated me from life and love and everything I wanted or needed. It set up battles and power struggles with others that no one would or could ever win."

    "It wasn't that I was done with my ego. I knew that wasn't possible. My ego was part of who I was. It was the lower part. The confused part. The never satisfied, never secure, never trusting part of me. It was also the vain part. The scared, manipulating, thin-skinned, hypersensitive, easily offended, easily threatened, and entitled part."

    "It was the part of me that said, "I am right and they are wrong." It was the part looking for love and not finding it. When it took hold of me, I was no longer connected to my spirit, my true and beautiful self. I became lost."

    "I had no illusions that I was done with my ego. I knew it would, again and again, trying run my life, as I was only human. I knew it would flare up when I was tired or feeling insecure, or felt afraid to be seen. Only now, I knew how to tame it. There was only one way. I had to love myself fully and unconditionally. I had to have compassion for myself and be sensitive and responsive to my authentic needs. I had to pray for guidance and give myself time and space to nurture my spirit and enjoy my life. I had to stay present in the moment and not leap into the future or fall back into the past. That was a tall order, but I knew it would bring me peace."

    "I also needed to stop seeing my ego as "the enemy" and start seeing it as the "me" who needed more love. I didn't have to fight my ego when it flared up in pain. I needed to soothe and calm my ego, handing it over to the care of my spirit and to God to quiet and reassure."

    "It was simple. When I loved me, I was filled with grace. When I didn't, the battles and pain began."  Sonia

    While I know the simplicity of loving yourself with full acceptance of your reality sounds simple….it is a very long road to hug your own heart.

    But, this was my way forward.

    I only made choices that were loving for me.

    I took responsibility of my own heart.

    If it didn't feel loving and kind to me…I turned away.

    No matter who I had to leave.

    Living a life that honors your heart and spirit is The Way…as the Camino Santiago is often called.

    What I found is that when I looked at myself, to see where I had gone wrong – where I had not be completely truthful, I was searching for the path to being me.

    The Camino is marked with clam shells and arrows.

    Our life paths are not so clearly marked….but, they are deeply felt.

    When I am at peace, I am on My Way…

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