I had a restless night. I was awake in dreams out of control, where my body was overtaken by emotions of incapacitated movements…but I rode them out, awake while dreaming.
I heard and felt the rumble and pulse of being overcome and withstood the roaring and muscle freezing energy and then felt it weaken and fall away.
The quarter moon was out my window and if I saw the moon, I knew I was awake in being awake and not awake in the dream of being awake.
I know this will not make sense to many, but it was empowering to not be over run by a terror dream, but witness to it.
I fell back into this terror emotion dream a few times…and tried to stay awake long enough to not fall back into the same state again, but failed.
I recall the pulse and fast flow of my blood as it surged…ready to take flight or fight…it was like getting an inner body view of terror. And, the train like sound as it roared at me, coming unbidden and unwelcome, yet blasting into my restfulness and completely overtaking my body, BUT not my awareness. I was awake and did not succumb to the roiling blood flow. I remained a witness.
I awoke to wonder what was the significance of that dream?
It was weird to see these terror feelings come from nowhere and to disappear and for me to be affected by it, for I felt it all, but also to remain detached.
I also had dreams where I was shown how I was mistreating others unintentionally and then how others were aware. Like I had misplaced a child and adults were waiting with her, reluctant to give her back, like I was the unfit mother…and I wasn't aware, aware that I was the one who lost her, and not she who lost me.
It was an odd night.
Yet not so odd. I have been tossing around in my head my walking away, my estrangement and my lack of reconnection, my setting boundaries and standing firm. The life after walking away from abuse and how it impacts and echoes…
It appears that my line in the sand is cement and others are free to dabble in old relationships seemingly 'more' loving than I.
There is no rule book for estrangement, or at least none that I have found…and yet the family rule book appears large and rule-less…
Family rule trumps and supercedes all actions of reality, it seems to have a separated life and view of reality where plausible will overtake rational thought.
I get confused as to where I am standing and why, when others have leaky boundaries and step over and under them from time to time…and I, like a stubborn mule, remain behind my line.
Perhaps the emotions of the dream are the emotions I would feel if a leak sprung in my line; where all the abuse in its distortion will come rushing in and overtake my life.
I have no desire to go into the swirling waters of distortion…it is the undertow that lies beneath "Family" in abusive homes. Underneathe the label brother/sister/mother/father lies a vortex…
A vortex of energies that carries no markers of love. It is the terror grip of no control…a prison void of awareness.
It is this sinkhole of blackness that keeps me away…where reality and clarity are not welcome… only the distorted feel at home here.
In the bright light of morning…I feel assured. I would rather be alone, than to be plunged back into that sea…where I would lose my self, my awareness, my peace, my love, my life…and the freedom to be me.
This is a small piece I worked on yesterday, inspired by the border in Fran Passerello's quilt. I love the idea of bring creative inspiration to the borders. It ironically or not depicts great motion and color surrounded by blackness.
I M Perfect lady 